brokendreamz Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 My Fiance left me 7 weeks ago. We'd been together 8 years (engaged for 2). We had been planning the whole marriage and kids thing, then she left - 90% my fault. Wish she'd kicked some sense into me. Any way. I thought I had my life planned out infront of me, now I have to sell our house, try to build bridges with friends who I've not seen for ages and I'm totally devistated about the split. You get the picture... I am scared that I won't find another girl for at least a couple of years - I am no way ready to start looking yet and imagine that I'll be 36 before I hook up again, then I would want to wait at least a couple of years before the whole marriage thing and another year after that for kids etc, so I'd be 40 before the first one is born! NOT WHAT I HAD PLANNED!!! I'm in a great place financially at the moment and always wanted to be a youngish father - now would be the IDEAL time for me... Does anyone else have similar thoughts? Been through something similar?? Help - it's doing my head in!! I thought I knew my Fiance inside out after 8 years and then BOOM!! she's gone. Do we ever really know someone as well as we think we do?!?!?!? 1
marqueemoon4 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 seriously? 34 is pretty young in the grand scheme of things. of course you can start over. you have tons of time. and no, at least in my experience you never really know someone, all you know is what they choose to show you.
screwball Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Does anyone else have similar thoughts? Been through something similar?? Yep, I have those thoughts occasionally. Had them a TON before, but now it's been a while since she left me (a bit over a year). Doesn't help that my parents openly voice their opinion on wanting a grand kid. And right now I don't know - I want to call off dating and just enjoy being single for a while, but part of me is afraid that if I do that I'll miss the boat and not be able to find a wife and have a kid at some point. Not that it helps the kids thing, but my grandfather ran out on my grandmother many years ago. She is in her late 70's now and recently found a wonderful man that she is going to marry, so I'd say it's never too late that way
poorguy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 NO 34 is not too late at all. You just feel like it is because your life had recently changed and you have all sorts of things running through your head right now. Nowdays many many people don't marry or start a family until later in life for various reasons (student loan debt, bad economy, etc.). I mean really imagine being in your 20's and getting out of college and you and your SO jointly have $80,000 in student loan debt before you even hit the groung running. Starting a family and getting married may be a little unrealistic. With that being said as an example many people for whatever reason just can't and don't do it the way it's traditionally been done in years past. I was engaged in my mid 20's and the wedding was being planned. Well as the story goes neither one of us were actually ready for that type of commitment at that time. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time because of tradition, but there again it was unrealistic and that's ok. We just weren't ready for it. Truth be told had I not moved on we probably would have gotten back together but whatever. Anyways your haven't you heard that your 30's is the new 20's lol???? It's true!!! BTW do you know that a whole LOT of beatiful woman in their 20's LOVE a good looking guy in their 30's??? Trust me I am living breathing proof of that fact. I would love to meet an attractive woman in her 30's but all that is attracted to me for whatever reason is woman in their 20's and I mean that's it!!!!! Be forwarned though that woman in their early 20's usually still have a lot of growing to do whereas woman in their mid to upper 20's have often times already gone through all of it that they need to to be in an actually relationship with a grown up
dng Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 My Fiance left me 7 weeks ago. We'd been together 8 years (engaged for 2). NOT WHAT I HAD PLANNED!!! I'm in more or less the same situation. Dated for 8 years, all my long term goals were attached to her in some way or the other and she bounced 8 months ago. I'm now 36 and I think like this very often myself. I have maybe 2 or 3 friends left that are in my age group, everybody else is married or buried somewhere. I'm still picking up the pieces but I'm also picking up pace. I've been seeing several women over the course of those eight months, the oldest one I think was 28. Its easy enought to meet people but as long as you think of your ex as the best thing ever you wont be able to connect with anyone. I have no idea how to stop thinking like that, everybody tells me time will heal, blah blah blah. I think there's more to it than just time. You have to be pro-active and lunch yourself into something. I still haven't done that myself. I understand your timing is no longer optimal for your initial plans; you have no choice but to adjust your clocks and accept your situation for what it is. When I was 25 I was wondering where the girls my age were. Now I know, they were dating guys like me today so don't worry too much about availability, worry about your state of mind and how you're going to enter your new life.
worlybear Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 If I can start over at 53- you can certainly begin again at 34!
glimmer Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 No! Have faith and look to the future, and you'll already be in the midst of building something new. Just like that. Don't let fear mess with your head and make you doubt yourself and your choices. There are plenty of great women out there who are looking for someone like you. Sounds simplified, but it's true.
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Its easy enought to meet people but as long as you think of your ex as the best thing ever you wont be able to connect with anyone. I have no idea how to stop thinking like that, everybody tells me time will heal, blah blah blah. I think there's more to it than just time. You have to be pro-active and lunch yourself into something. I still haven't done that myself. That's what I'm struggling with right now. My ex demonstrated a lot of traits by how she broke up that I don't want in a long-term SO. But it's hard not to still think of her as the sweet person she was when we were together. I guess another one of those heart catching up to the head kind of things. Truth be told she is the sum total of her actions.
sumdude Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Yes you most certainly can. I had to do it at 40 when my wife left me. It's been 4 years and no, I haven't found anyone really serious yet. But I have had some fun. It's been an uphill thing at times and I imagine at 34 it would have been even easier. You are absolutely in the prime of your life dude... get on it! Life is what actually happens while you're busy planning something else. One thing I can tell you, the only thing for sure in life is change!
Trimmer Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Life is what actually happens while you're busy planning something else. One thing I can tell you, the only thing for sure in life is change! Hear hear. I understand the importance of plans and dreams, etc, but don't spend so much energy agonizing and reaching and repositioning yourself for the long run that you forget that life is what's happening today, too. Things will change. Don't miss the opportunities that such changes deliver.
D78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 brokendreamz, It's really terrible to have the rug pulled out from under you, especially when that rug is your love, your living situation, your future plans, etc. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Before you feel bad about being the only single person you know, I would like to mention one thing - if they don't already, almost all of your friends will someday wish they could live the awesome single life you are living. It's the tiny bit of GIGS that is with us all constantly, and makes straight-haired girls long for curly hair and vice versa. Instead of missing out on the positive aspects of being single right now, live it up! Ask your friend who got married at age 19 what he would do in your situation, and go do that! No matter how you feel about your relationship status right now, it is still going to be the same. You can choose to be happy or choose to be depressed. Regardless of what you choose, your relationship status remains the same (although, unless you're a teenager, being depressed will probably lower your options over time...). And before you feel bad about your speculation about being 40 before your first child is born: I could tell you so many stories, but I'll boil them down to these three - my favorite client, my favorite colleague, and me. My favorite client's son just started preschool, and I know my client is at least 45. I would bet he is older. His wife is so nice, a total babe, smart, artistic, and generally awesome. He has decorated the office in her art. You can tell they are happy and compatible. When she's not there and he talks about her, his whole face lights up. My favorite colleague is 58, and he has an eight year old and a six year old. This is the guy who most people wish they could be like (yeah, I'm a girl but whatever). He's the happiest person I've ever met. He also has more energy than me, and I'm only 32. He's been more than successful at everything I've seen him try. I've never asked my client or colleague why they had kids so late. #1 that's none of my business. #2 they are so happy there's nothing to ask. And, I don't wanna preach, but my favorite Mom and Dad are not my biological mom and dad. My Mom couldn't have more children after my older brother, so they adopted me. I know many people think that's soooo weird, but I've always felt like a normal part of the family, even though I'm 8 inches taller than my Mom Now, for the finale - I met the cutest couple this afternoon. They were so into one another, and kept making jokes and playing googly eyes (yeah that's my best description). They were at my friend's office. The woman's daughter was there to help out... What were they doing? Signing a pre-nup, AT AGE 80+. They were of the age where they revised their estate plan along with getting the pre-nup. They were the best couple I've seen in a long time. They were so happy together it was contagious. They were like teenagers. Don't ever lose hope.
Eeyore79 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 If you were a woman you'd be in trouble, because by the time you found another partner to commit to you'd be pushing it in terms of being physically able to have children. As a man you're in a much better position because your fertility doesn't wane; being a father at 40 wouldn't be such a bad thing, and it's easily possible to meet someone, fall totally in love, and get pregnant within a couple of years.
Author brokendreamz Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 WOW!! Some really inspiring tales and advice. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel... Not ready for another relationship yet, but I know I'll get there in the end. If I look back ty where I was 7 weeks ago, I NEVER would have dreamt that I'd be functioning (almost) normally. Sure I think about her ALL THE TIME!!! After such a long time together that's understandable, but now when I catch myself drifting into that way of thinking I quickly snap out of it and try to think about something positive. After reading these posts, I know I can truly focus on being happy that there is life after the ex!! Still ****ting myself about hearing about some new bloke she'll eventually get with but that's life I guess. She deserves all the happiness I could never give her so I'll try to be pleased for her when the news eventually drips down to me Thanks everyone
Recommended Posts