Heartbroken

[Jennilee]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We got close pretty fast and he told me that I am the first girl he ever loved (he is 30) and I believe him. He used to go out all of the time and is a "social butterfly"..talks to anyone and everyone, and usually likes to stay out all night. Since we got close, he told me he now understands why his friends settled down because he is happy to just be with me. All of this is great, however, when we DO go out and alcohol is involved it usually turns into an argument. I like to drink, but its not usally an all night thing..and I like to do it within reason. When we fight about these things (probably about 4 or 5 times now) he says he can't deal with it. He says he has been in relationships where this has been an issue and he simply can't deal with it, no matter how much he loves me. So this past weekend I suggested we go out for A drink. And of course , fighting ensued. I had a lot to drink and don't remember this, but apparently he said that I was rude to him all night and wouldn't talk to him. We go into a huge fight when he came home that night (my friends took me home early) and he broke up with me. It was a pretty cold breakup on his part, especially the next morning. I drove him to his car and the only thing he could say to me was "you need to pull yourself together" and drove away. He called me 2-3 days later because he said I deserved more than how it ended and explained why he did what he did. We talked for nearly 2 hours and he kept saying that he doesn't want to be with someone that can't handle that side of him. When we talk about it, I think to myself "Is it really that hard for me to just have fun with him? am I willing to throw everything away because of that?" We don't even go out that often! So basically it ended that we were going to take some time to think about things and some space. I guess I am just so anxious about when he will call and what he will say when he does? Is there anything I can do besides sit and wait? I know gthat I love him and he is my best friend. I am so confused right now!

[Star_Bright]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I know it's very painful.

 

IMO you and your ex just had different values. He wanted to go out and drink a lot all the time, and you didn't. He didn't want to change for you, and you shouldn't have to change for him (your way is much healthier. ) It never would have worked out, though, and wasn't working out, because if drinking like that is very important to them/ a high priority, then they are going to value it above other things, like staying in with their girlfriend, or just having a drink or two and then going home.

 

Since you mentioned that he admitted to having this issue with other girls in his past, it sounds to me like he has a drinking problem. He chooses drinking over his relationships, plain and simple.

 

I know you cared about him but he has made his choice, so try to realize you don't want to be with a guy who would choose alcohol over you. You can do better. I know it's cliche, but time helps. Also, making a list of all the things you hated about him (#1 is probably his love of drinking so much that he let it come in between the two of you), and look at that any time you are missing him or feel like trying to contact him (DON'T contact him, no matter what!). Best wishes, I am sorry that this happened.

[Imajerk17]

Wait I'm confused here. Who is the one whose drinking is the problem?

 

You said he likes to drink a lot, but from reading this, my understanding is that you got into your last fight because of your drinking where he said you need to "pull yourself together"... Is that right?

 

Then from reading your thread, it looks like he said he needs to be with someone who can handle him when *he* drinks.

 

 

Hard to follow what's happening here.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Imajerk17

[poorguy]

Cant' you guys just cut down on the alcohol? It's sort of sad that alcohol is the sole reason for breaking up. So my take on the situation is-Remove it and you guys are all set? If you can't do that then don't go out together.

[Leeway Harris]

I know you cared about him but he has made his choice, so try to realize you don't want to be with a guy who would choose alcohol over you...<snip>...(#1 is probably his love of drinking so much that he let it come in between the two of you...<snip>...Best wishes, I am sorry that this happened.

I like this response. I'm going through something similar right now with a close friend, who is also an ex-girlfriend. Just this weekend, we had yet another argument about her drinking. Every time this happens, every time I dare to question the role alcohol plays in her life, she acts like I've wounded her deeply, and avoids me for a while, mainly to punish me for stepping out of line. On Monday, I reached out to her, pleaded with her, in the name of our friendship, not to run away from this, and she turned her back on me.

 

So I'm done. She's going to contact me at some point in the future, and I'm going to have to tell her to leave me alone. It'll be hard, but it's necessary for my well-being and self-respect.

 

I like to drink, but an alcoholic needs to drink. When you question an alcoholic's drinking, you threaten his way of coping with life, and he'll do anything to defend it, including abandon you like yesterday's trash.

 

So, basically this guy is not a good match for you, and you should let him go. That's my opinion, as someone with some experience with this kind of thing. Don't second-guess yourself either. Don't say ""Is it really that hard for me to just have fun with him? am I willing to throw everything away because of that?" This is not your problem, it's his. Please try to remember that.

[GivenUp0083]

Yeah he's probably realized you can't handle his social butterfly personality when he drinks. Do you get jealous when he has conversations with other girls in a friendly social setting? Do you feel like he doesn't give you enough attention when you're out together?

 

It just sounds like, from what you've said, that you maybe saw his drinking as a "problem" because you don't like how he acts when out socially, and maybe he doesn't like you telling him he has to "deal with it". Unless you have some serious evidence that he's got an addiction problem and is abusive while intoxicated, then you can't ask someone to change just based on YOU not liking it and referring to it as a problem HE has to change. From what you said, YOU were the one to get really drunk, black out, and not remember what mistakes you made that caused the breakup anyway.

 

I can also relate to you not talking to him when something was clearly a problem. I can tell you that's one of the worst feelings in the world...something feeling wrong with your SO and they won't talk to you about it. I wouldn't put up with that behavior even if you were sober or drunk. I like communication. Talking about problems and issues makes me feel better, and if you ignored him all night then I can imagine how that made him feel. Everyone seems wonderful in a positive setting, but where you REALLY get to know someone is when the chips are down and there's a problem to face. How the other person handles it tells a lot about the future of the relationship, and you failed huge in that department in his eyes.

 

I'd say you lost him, it hurts, but time will heal, you'll move on. Maybe just take some time to reflect and thinkg about what YOU can change about yourself, so the next time you meet a great guy that is very social in public while drinking that you don't lose it and push him away.

Edited February 24, 2011 by GivenUp0083

[Star_Bright]

Wait I'm confused here. Who is the one whose drinking is the problem?

 

You said he likes to drink a lot, but from reading this, my understanding is that you got into your last fight because of your drinking where he said you need to "pull yourself together"... Is that right?

 

Then from reading your thread, it looks like he said he needs to be with someone who can handle him when *he* drinks.

 

 

Hard to follow what's happening here.

 

From what I read into it... which is basically based on my own experiences/observations of a relationship dynamic that seems similar (my brother and his wife), HE likes to party/drink a lot, and she would prefer not to, but does for him, and then when she does, she can't "handle it" as well as he can because she's not used to it, and it causes her to get drunk/ be upset about it even more than she is sober. He wants her to drink more and chill, she wants him to drink less and be more responsible/settle down (hence the comment about how at first he said he can see why his friends settled down/stopped going out so much once they got girlfriends).

 

IMO this type of relationship is never going to work out. She can't/shouldn't change for him, and, IMO, it's sad that he won't change some for her and not drink so much because alcohol has definitely been a problem in his past relationships and now he has given up this relationship solely (from what we have read here, anyway), for alcohol. But if he wants to always be out partying, he needs to either be single or find someone who has that similar interest. In my experience those relationships don't usually work out, or at least not without a lot of drama and upheaval, but if that's what he wants, that's what he should go find. To me at a certain point people have to grow up and stop going out and partying all the time if they want to be in a serious relationship (I am not ready to grow up, and am not in/want to be in a serious relationship. But if I were ready I know there would be certain compromises, which means not partying so hard unless my partner also likes to do that.)

[Star_Bright]

Yeah he's probably realized you can't handle his social butterfly personality when he drinks. Do you get jealous when he has conversations with other girls in a friendly social setting? Do you feel like he doesn't give you enough attention when you're out together?

 

It just sounds like, from what you've said, that you maybe saw his drinking as a "problem" because you don't like how he acts when out socially, and maybe he doesn't like you telling him he has to "deal with it". Unless you have some serious evidence that he's got an addiction problem and is abusive while intoxicated, then you can't ask someone to change just based on YOU not liking it and referring to it as a problem HE has to change. From what you said, YOU were the one to get really drunk, black out, and not remember what mistakes you made that caused the breakup anyway.

 

I can also relate to you not talking to him when something was clearly a problem. I can tell you that's one of the worst feelings in the world...something feeling wrong with your SO and they won't talk to you about it. I wouldn't put up with that behavior even if you were sober or drunk. I like communication. Talking about problems and issues makes me feel better, and if you ignored him all night then I can imagine how that made him feel. Everyone seems wonderful in a positive setting, but where you REALLY get to know someone is when the chips are down and there's a problem to face. How the other person handles it tells a lot about the future of the relationship, and you failed huge in that department in his eyes.

 

I'd say you lost him, it hurts, but time will heal, you'll move on. Maybe just take some time to reflect and thinkg about what YOU can change about yourself, so the next time you meet a great guy that is very social in public while drinking that you don't lose it and push him away.

 

I think she should just find a guy who doesn't like to drink so much. If it's not her cup of tea (and for good reason, IMO), then she needs someone who thinks similarly. She shouldn't have to change. Yeah if she didn't communicate well enough, fine, she should change that. But if she doesn't like how much he drinks or how he acts when he drinks, then he did her a favor (although I know it's hard for her to see it like that right now) because she was never going to be able to change him, and why be with someone when you don't like this apparently big thing about them?

[Star_Bright]

I like this response. I'm going through something similar right now with a close friend, who is also an ex-girlfriend. Just this weekend, we had yet another argument about her drinking. Every time this happens, every time I dare to question the role alcohol plays in her life, she acts like I've wounded her deeply, and avoids me for a while, mainly to punish me for stepping out of line. On Monday, I reached out to her, pleaded with her, in the name of our friendship, not to run away from this, and she turned her back on me.

 

So I'm done. She's going to contact me at some point in the future, and I'm going to have to tell her to leave me alone. It'll be hard, but it's necessary for my well-being and self-respect.

 

I like to drink, but an alcoholic needs to drink. When you question an alcoholic's drinking, you threaten his way of coping with life, and he'll do anything to defend it, including abandon you like yesterday's trash.

 

So, basically this guy is not a good match for you, and you should let him go. That's my opinion, as someone with some experience with this kind of thing. Don't second-guess yourself either. Don't say ""Is it really that hard for me to just have fun with him? am I willing to throw everything away because of that?" This is not your problem, it's his. Please try to remember that.

 

Exactly. If he really valued the relationship, he would not have chosen alcohol over it. She was questioning how much he drank, he didn't like it and dumped her. Yeah she probably shouldn't have gotten so drunk herself, but I feel like she was just trying to do what he wanted--hang out and have fun and drink more. This can never lead to a good situation! I too have BTDT on both ends of it-- dating guys who like to drink all the time, and also dating guys who don't like to drink/go out as much as I do. OP I know it's hard and sudden after 7 months but it's a learning experience to determine who is the right match for you. For me, I've determined I need a social guy who likes to go out and have fun -- no homebodies for me. At the same time, I don't want someone who is constantly drunk or needs alcohol to have fun. Or who would always choose alcohol/going out over other things, like some time spent at home, or with family or doing outdoor activities, etc. For me there has to be a balance. And when I am ready to be in a relationship I don't expect to be going out/drinking as much as I do now. Some of that, yes, but it's different once you get into a relationship and I think that's what your ex didn't really understand, OP.

 

Leeway I'm sorry to hear about your friend but you have done everything you can. As I was saying to the OP, if someone has a problem with alcohol and doesn't want to change, you can't make them. It's better to just leave them rather than let them drag you down. You say your piece, you let them know you are there for them as a friend if they need support cutting back or getting sober but you are not going to nag them and you don't approve of how often they are using, so you can't be always involved in their life unless they are open to change. I don't know what else you can do but that. I have known alcoholics (I'm not saying OP's ex is an alcoholic, I just think that from what she has described he is at least a problem drinker, and here I am talking specifically about your friend, Leeway) that just keep getting worse and eventually you have to pretty much walk away from them because it sucks you down and their actions/behavior/moods start affecting you too much. You need to be surrounded by positive people and good influences. And I am SO not anti-alcohol... I have just seen the problems it can create in relationships when used in excess and I think people have to be careful. If they're not valuing the relationship more than the alcohol, it's time to split. Friendship, relationship, whatever, IMO.

[Imajerk17]

From what I read into it... which is basically based on my own experiences/observations of a relationship dynamic that seems similar (my brother and his wife), HE likes to party/drink a lot, and she would prefer not to, but does for him, and then when she does, she can't "handle it" as well as he can because she's not used to it, and it causes her to get drunk/ be upset about it even more than she is sober. He wants her to drink more and chill, she wants him to drink less and be more responsible/settle down (hence the comment about how at first he said he can see why his friends settled down/stopped going out so much once they got girlfriends).

 

IMO this type of relationship is never going to work out. She can't/shouldn't change for him, and, IMO, it's sad that he won't change some for her and not drink so much because alcohol has definitely been a problem in his past relationships and now he has given up this relationship solely (from what we have read here, anyway), for alcohol. But if he wants to always be out partying, he needs to either be single or find someone who has that similar interest. In my experience those relationships don't usually work out, or at least not without a lot of drama and upheaval, but if that's what he wants, that's what he should go find. To me at a certain point people have to grow up and stop going out and partying all the time if they want to be in a serious relationship (I am not ready to grow up, and am not in/want to be in a serious relationship. But if I were ready I know there would be certain compromises, which means not partying so hard unless my partner also likes to do that.)

 

If this is indeed what is happening, I agree with you Star_Bright.

 

If it were the *woman* who insisted on going out and partying and drinking and flirting with other guys, I'd be slamming her behavior too. Well why would it be OK then, for a *guy* to do something like that.

 

It might not quite be cheating, but it is at least Cheating Lite. It's disrespecting his partner in his primary relationship.

[Star_Bright]

If this is indeed what is happening, I agree with you Star_Bright.

 

If it were the *woman* who insisted on going out and partying and drinking and flirting with other guys, I'd be slamming her behavior too. Well why would it be OK then, for a *guy* to do something like that.

 

It might not quite be cheating, but it is at least Cheating Lite. It's disrespecting his partner in his primary relationship.

 

Exactly. I admit I'm reading into it some, and I could be wrong. But I have no other way to give advice/insight, so, that's my take on things.

[Jennilee]

Wait I'm confused here. Who is the one whose drinking is the problem?

 

You said he likes to drink a lot, but from reading this, my understanding is that you got into your last fight because of your drinking where he said you need to "pull yourself together"... Is that right?

 

Then from reading your thread, it looks like he said he needs to be with someone who can handle him when *he* drinks.

 

 

Hard to follow what's happening here.

 

Sorry If that was confusing..its hard to summarize our relationship in so many words. He told me I need to pull myself together when I was upset the next day..I guess it is just hard for me to accept that this is really what is going to end the relationship, especially considering we don't go out a lot. Just an internal struggle with myself I guess..

[Jennilee]

I think she should just find a guy who doesn't like to drink so much. If it's not her cup of tea (and for good reason, IMO), then she needs someone who thinks similarly. She shouldn't have to change. Yeah if she didn't communicate well enough, fine, she should change that. But if she doesn't like how much he drinks or how he acts when he drinks, then he did her a favor (although I know it's hard for her to see it like that right now) because she was never going to be able to change him, and why be with someone when you don't like this apparently big thing about them?

 

Its hard for me beacuse I really don't mind drinkin..just not in excess All the time. I admit that I had too much to drink (mainly because I don't drink much anymore and didn't realize how it would hit me)

[Jennilee]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I know it's very painful.

 

IMO you and your ex just had different values. He wanted to go out and drink a lot all the time, and you didn't. He didn't want to change for you, and you shouldn't have to change for him (your way is much healthier. ) It never would have worked out, though, and wasn't working out, because if drinking like that is very important to them/ a high priority, then they are going to value it above other things, like staying in with their girlfriend, or just having a drink or two and then going home.

 

Since you mentioned that he admitted to having this issue with other girls in his past, it sounds to me like he has a drinking problem. He chooses drinking over his relationships, plain and simple.

 

I know you cared about him but he has made his choice, so try to realize you don't want to be with a guy who would choose alcohol over you. You can do better. I know it's cliche, but time helps. Also, making a list of all the things you hated about him (#1 is probably his love of drinking so much that he let it come in between the two of you), and look at that any time you are missing him or feel like trying to contact him (DON'T contact him, no matter what!). Best wishes, I am sorry that this happened.

 

Thank you for your response, I wouldn't call him an alcoholic, because we don't really go out that much, it's just when we do that it is usually an issue. I used to party a lot a little while back, but I guess I had a different image of what a boyfriend and girlfriend should do together.

[lemonlegs]

Jennilee, what exactly provoked you getting angry with him? I know you said you were blackout drunk, but surely you remember what he may have done to make you angry in the first place, or at least have some idea?

 

Everyone here is suggesting that he goes out and talks to everyone/neglects to acknowledge you, is that really the case?

 

My boyfriend and I have pretty much had this problem right from the beginning. We both were party types, seeing as we were young (Me 19, him 22) prior to us dating. When we tried to drink together though, it turned into disasters usually. For me, I either getting really angry or emotional when super drunk, or both. My boyfriend on the other hand becomes a bit a-hole-ish. So, this causes him to say things, typically in a social setting where it's not welcome, and it pisses me off and I either scream at him, or start crying, or both again. Stupid, I know. But the important thing is we ALWAYS wake up in the morning fine, never still mad at each other. Not it's NOT always like this, but it has happened a lot. I personally think it's natural when two people have the tendency to get more than a little drunk. When the two of us just have a couple of drinks together, it can be really fun...

[max2go]

When alcohol is consumed in quantity, people can say and do very stupid, hurtful things, sometimes, even resorting to violence, i would advise anyone who recognises this to stop drinking and for those who are involved with anyone who abuses drink, run a thousand miles, i have been on the receiving end of a ltr with a woman who though she doesnt drink massive amounts of alcohol, after even a few drinks, changes from a caring, kind and loving person to someone i find very hard to live with, so much so, after l0- years it has ruined my life - and im still struggling with it - dont waste your life, its too precious.