I Hate - Right Now (D78's Rant)

[D78]

I've wanted to update my goals thread. My goals have changed, but I haven't had time to sit down and formulate a rational sentence expressing those changes. I have this big hearing tomorrow morning (or, this morning... I need to leave my house in 4 hours and I haven't yet been to sleep).

 

So everything's been hunky dory, other than this goals issue which is minor compared to other things that have been bothering me lately. But, I started the goals thread, and I'm not going to just walk away from it even if it is an anonymous thread in LS. Especially after Leandro said not to.

 

So, you may ask, what's my problem? Why am I crying 4 hours before this big hearing that should probably result in me getting exactly what my client has needed since like 12 years ago? When crying is the ultimate instant career killer for female lawyers, and even showing up at the big court house without a big dumb smile on my face will certainly result in rumors (especially since this courthouse is in the same town as my law school).

 

I'm crying because of some dumba** bookclub I signed up with from my local library. They had different categories of books from which to choose. I of course avoided romance, drama, mystery (because the lonely old lady usually dies, or solves the mystery to go home to her cat, neither result is my ideal life). I even avoided sci fi because the bots and droids tend to hook up....

 

So, I'm left with (1) non-fiction, (2) classics, (3) thrillers, and (4) good news. Apparently the scam involves emailing you the first half of the book over so many weeks, and after that time you decide whether you want to check the book out from the library or buy it from the library at a discount. Sounded like a good deal to me, so I carefully chose my categories to preserve what I thought was this new found happiness and hope...

 

I opened my first email tonight, after putting up my materials for the hearing in the morning, altering my pants so they stay on, laying out my clothes, making sure I had everything ready...

 

I decide to take a minute to read the first chapter I was emailed this evening. I didn't notice the category on my tiny Pixi phone.

 

The story was about this couple... on an "everyday" morning. They have been together 15 years. She hops in the shower with him, like she does so often. This time, though, it struck a nerve and he left the shower. So she yells to him, "I didn't make coffee" as she walks out into the bedroom and sees him sitting on the bed. He says, "We need to talk." She says, "okay." He says, "I'm seeing someone else."

 

This s**t is totally out of the blue for her, and she goes on to describe every emotion I had when I was dumped. It was like a screenplay (even though I don't think he was seeing someone before he broke up with me, but in terms of blindsiding me and how that felt, it was almost like I wrote this book. She even tried to reconcile the mundane cr*p with her new situation...). We went to the gym, and I needed to take a shower. D-day was a regular Saturday, until 19:00, then what the hell is going on...?

 

She even talks about the neighbors who surely know what's going on. This is funny to me, because only two of my neighbors have had the nerve to even look at me since he left. The father and son next door, who have been awesome, have actually stood in my front yard with me as I cried, giving my whatever advice they could. But, I was friends with so many of these people and they want nothing to do with me now. I feel like screaming "It's not my f***ing fault!! I didn't even have any warning!!! It's not contagious (as far as I know)!!!"

 

Then I wanna scream at the public library for sending me this story. Is it a thriller (so she will kill him and his mistress?)? A good news (surely this world is not so twisted), a non-fiction (nope) or a classics (nope). I don't know what this stupid story is but I hate it. And I hate me for even feeling this crap right now when I should be sleeping in preparation for this hearing where I have an almost 99% chance of being the hero for my client. I've been working on this case since last July. I'm not getting paid; I'm actually losing money. I really want to get it taken care of tomorrow morning for my client's sake.

 

I hope my stupid crying eyes will not be swollen when it's time for the hearing. And I hate him for turning my life upside down and temporarily making me a chick who can't not cry. And I'm really not exaggerating when I say I can't look like I've been crying. Crying in court if you're a female is ....... very bad is an understatement.

 

And I hate public library book clubs who clearly don't understand the concept of thriller, or good news, or whatever they labeled this way-too-relevant story. F you library. F you JH for doing this to me. F me for letting this affect me. F recovery for being so unpredictable, where one little thing can hurt so bad...

 

Sorry about my rant. I'm gonna go try to sleep now. I feel a little better dumping all this on this little white rectangle and moving on... ?

 

Thanks LS

 

P.S. Please do not hesitate to make fun of this thread if you feel like it. If you want to make jokes, please do. It actually helps me to find humor in bad situations, and this book club thing is so dumb I'm sure I'll be laughing at it soon.

Edited February 24, 2011 by D78
spelling

[D78]

I apologize to the 48 of you who opened this thread Hopefully you didn't read it all to the end.

 

I need sleep!

[0hpenelope]

Of course I read it through to the end, D.

 

It's past the 4 hours. Were you able to kick butt for your client?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I AM SORRY!

 

Trite, but true ... time will heal.

[D78]

I did (thank goodness) finally end this case for my client. Actually, I just sat there, said nothing, and let the other guy lose it for his client. Typical.

 

Oh, and the stinkin book was from the "Good News" book club. Go figure!

 

I really really wish you could delete LS posts

[D78]

As long as I have a rant thread, I'm going to rant again.

 

I decided to be a lawyer when I was little. I got my first job when I was 15, and I had a job until I began law school. When I graduated and passed the Bar, I started my own business. All this time, I've never felt like I was treated any different because of my sex. I don't think I lost out on any benefit because I'm a woman, and I tried to not use it to my advantage. But thanks to LS, I now know what it feels like to experience sexism.

 

There have been some posts on here that talk about women my age and how we're basically worthless. If we were good, someone would have married us by now. All the good ones have been taken by now. Most chicks at my age have baggage, so just expect to find a sub-par model. Etc.

 

I guess this is the view of many people, as no one really speaks up when it is said. I know that it's not true about me so I shouldn't care when I read it, but the truth is, it hurts. It discourages me, and makes me think I'm beginning this new part of my life with two strikes already.

 

LS is a place where people come to be supported. I wish everyone would think before they make statements about women being worthless because they've never been married, especially when the statements are made by men of the same age who have wanted to settle down. It seems like it's projecting the speakers' insecurities onto a bunch of strangers who don't need it at the time.

 

Thanks for letting me rant I have lots of cool things to do today, so it's good to get that off my chest and move forward.

[Graceful]

D,

 

I have to agree that I've often been shocked at the attitudes and opinions here (and elsewhere, actually, on other boards). The old adage, "the more things change, the more they stay the same" keeps coming to mind when I read and hear that prevailing attitude with the sexist slant to it.

 

I've tried to put demographics into the mix, since these boards are international, and within the USA alone, we are often worlds apart with regard to our attitudes, expectations, and viewpoints on the liberal / conservative agendas, sexism, etc.

 

I've also always had a job, from the time I started to babysit, to having a part-time job in high school, work-study jobs and summer jobs in college and even a work-study job while I was getting my advanced degree. When I wanted something when I was younger (which is why I got those part--time jobs in the first place and actually found them lots of fun) I was told, if I wanted whatever it was, then I needed to help pay for it. My parents were fantastic, generous and loving, but they did teach me to be self-sufficient and while they would have done anything in the world to help me, they instilled the work ethic in me to a very good end, IMHO. (although I did wish I had gotten off a different train and had rich parents once in a while!)

 

All this time, I've never felt like I was treated any different because of my sex. I don't think I lost out on any benefit because I'm a woman, and I tried to not use it to my advantage. But thanks to LS, I now know what it feels like to experience sexism.

There have been some posts on here that talk about women my age and how we're basically worthless. If we were good, someone would have married us by now. All the good ones have been taken by now. Most chicks at my age have baggage, so just expect to find a sub-par model. Etc.

I guess this is the view of many people, as no one really speaks up when it is said. I know that it's not true about me so I shouldn't care when I read it, but the truth is, it hurts. It discourages me, and makes me think I'm beginning this new part of my life with two strikes already.

What has continually shocked me as well is seeing people who are in their early twenties no less, who while I can understand the heartbreak and the pain, I cannot understand the "I'll never meet anyone again" attitude, as though they are all washed up --- huh? This is so upsetting to me that it only makes me understand more and more why so many marriages fail, it's because there are a large percentage of people who marry because they are afraid they are running out of time and not only "settle", but don't even have a clue that's what they're doing.

 

There are plenty of wonderful, healthy, smart, attractive single people. I know you are one of them, and I know I am one of them, for starters.

 

And the truth is that I have dated some great guys. I'll just come right out and say this, but I attract good people. Is it luck? Perhaps. Is it my radar? Perhaps. Do I have good judgment? Perhaps. All I know is that I don't meet or experience the jerks everyone here talks about all the time. I don't have chemistry with every guy I meet by any means, but I meet very good people and it's only a matter of time before the right guy will come along.

I wish everyone would think before they make statements about women being worthless because they've never been married, especially when the statements are made by men of the same age who have wanted to settle down.

I have to agree that I've been shocked at the number of men who have made these generalizations. There are also some fantastic men on LS, please don't think I am dissing all of you by any means. But there have been some threads that have done some bashing that makes no sense to me. If you meet a flaky woman, drop her. End of story. There are flakes out there. But to then make assumptions that only flaky women are out there, that's insulting, ludicrous and does show poor judgment on the part of the poster and the additional people who pile onto the bashing.

 

And as long as I'm here ... I'll add this. There are lots of people on LS who only want to hear what they want to hear. I get that, the pain is awful and we all want it to dissipate and disappear. But it does no good to just get a sugar-coated response, when it is clear that the person needs to hear the unvarnished truth. I wish that there was a requirement of a box to check if the poster only wants sugar-coated responses, so I'd know not to respond when I have much, much more to say. Then I wouldn't bother. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten a huge number of PMs and I get thanked very often for my advice, but there are also times when I have spent a lot of time responding and giving very serious input, when the OP does not have the courtesy to even say a simple thank you, or return to their post. That has caused me to post less and less on this board. It feels like a waste of time to post and give serious thought to try to help someone, and not even get so much as a "thank you" --- is that really too much to ask?

 

And I'm with you, D, I have a big day ahead of me, and need to get out and about. And just to let you know, I don't feel either of us are talking about "girl power" or any of that sort of nonsense. We're talking about basic respect here. Have a nice day.

 

PS You know my music forum? Speaking of being appreciated and respected ... just last week someone on the forum told me he loves my input, not only because I have an interesting perspective and he enjoys me, but also because he loves having the "feminine" perspective as well. He said it provides lots of food for thought and helps temper some of the male dominated viewpoints and opens up the discussion. So that really made me smile!

[D78]

Graceful! Hi stranger

 

I have to agree that I've been shocked at the number of men who have made these generalizations. There are also some fantastic men on LS, please don't think I am dissing all of you by any means. But there have been some threads that have done some bashing that makes no sense to me. If you meet a flaky woman, drop her. End of story. There are flakes out there. But to then make assumptions that only flaky women are out there, that's insulting, ludicrous and does show poor judgment on the part of the poster and the additional people who pile onto the bashing.

 

It's like women who are sure that all men want is sex.

 

I should add, LS has done a lot to boost my impression of people in general. I've received so much support from LSers, men and women alike.

 

I'm too sensitive about this issue. I'm just not used to hearing people lump all women, all men, all younger people, all older people, or whatever classification of people into a category and stick a label on them all.

 

Maybe I am guilty of doing the same about men without noticing I'm doing it. Who knows?

 

 

I've tried to put demographics into the mix, since these boards are international, and within the USA alone, we are often worlds apart with regard to our attitudes, expectations, and viewpoints on the liberal / conservative agendas, sexism, etc.

 

That's a very good point. I think from now on I'll just tell myself that the comments are from people in other countries where sexism is the norm or the law.

 

I was reading about internal boundaries the other day, and about how you should use them to evaluate a statement made about you before internalizing it, rather than internalizing the statement and then evaluating it. This might be the perfect subject to start strengthening my internal boundaries. I'm not sure what happened to them, because I've lived most of my life with an attitude of I don't give a....

 

 

This is so upsetting to me that it only makes me understand more and more why so many marriages fail, it's because there are a large percentage of people who marry because they are afraid they are running out of time and not only "settle", but don't even have a clue that's what they're doing.

 

I used to have a lot of friends who settled, so I've been able to witness what it does to a person and resolve to never do it. I guess it would be impossible to figure out whether I was dating a person who was settling. Somehow not settling has kept me not single for most of my life since I was 15. I'm digging this weird single life thing, so it's gonna take someone really special to make me change my ways Hopefully that person won't be settling for me.

 

 

And as long as I'm here ... I'll add this. There are lots of people on LS who only want to hear what they want to hear. I get that, the pain is awful and we all want it to dissipate and disappear. But it does no good to just get a sugar-coated response, when it is clear that the person needs to hear the unvarnished truth. I wish that there was a requirement of a box to check if the poster only wants sugar-coated responses, so I'd know not to respond when I have much, much more to say. Then I wouldn't bother. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten a huge number of PMs and I get thanked very often for my advice, but there are also times when I have spent a lot of time responding and giving very serious input, when the OP does not have the courtesy to even say a simple thank you, or return to their post. That has caused me to post less and less on this board. It feels like a waste of time to post and give serious thought to try to help someone, and not even get so much as a "thank you" --- is that really too much to ask?

 

Have you been to the Other Man/Other Woman or whatever it's called forum? There is a permanent post at the top. Maybe we could talk the admins into adding one of those for the Break Up forum. It could state: "Attention all day ones - if you are just here to hear kind words, please put two stars in your subject line. If you do not do so, be prepared for an honest response. Sometimes honesty hurts."

 

I can't imagine how annoying it must be for you if someone doesn't reply. You put a lot of effort and insight into your posts. Your responses tend to get straight to the heart of the issue, though, and I can see how many people run like h*ll when confronted with the truth. It pushed me to about 3 inches from my breaking point, but I knew it was true and I knew I needed guidance.

 

I get the no response sometimes, but my posts aren't as insightful as yours.

 

I noticed you had been posting less, but when someone does that with LS it's bittersweet. I never know whether to say congrats or come back, so I usually don't say anything.

 

I'm glad to hear the musicians appreciate your input. I play the ukulele lately, which is an instrument with at least as many girl players as guy players. Maybe I'll take up the harmonica and join a harmonica forum