So sad

[4givrnt4gtr]

I'm actually pretty sad Im posting here again. I haven't had any reason to worry or wonder for about anything until now.

 

Ive been dating my bf for a year now. I love him very much but he has a lot of family problems. His mother has a personality disorder and has been abandoned by pretty much everyone but him. He tries to take care of her and all he gets back is screams and madness.

 

Ive known this for a while and I support him as best as I can. Unfortunately it also filters into our relationship because he often becomes defensive with me, just as if I was his mom, trying to undermine him and challenge him on everything he says. It all leaves me so flabbergasted when I try to help him resolve a problem and I'm met with defensiveness and accusations that Im not being supportive and that I don't understand him.

 

Just today we had an argument because his mom flew off the handle again. He called me and told me about it and how much he needs to get away from her. I listened and tried to be supportive but then he said something about how her disorder cannot be treated so I offered a piece of knowledge about a new treatment. He immediately got defensive saying I didn't understand, she wasn't like any other person, that it wouldn't work on her, that I wasn't helping by telling him this, that he just wanted me to listen and not give him solutions. I kept trying to tell him I wasn't telling him what to do, just thought he would be interested, that I didn't even know whether she had that disorder or not but that it might help.

 

Somehow that turned into how I dont believe him and how he just wanted support, etc etc. Ofcourse that upset me so I just told him it was impossible to deal with him like that, he always twisted things the worst possible way so I end up sounding like the biggest b in the world who doesn't understand or support him.

 

He apologized and said he misunderstood and that sometimes after dealing with his mom he started thinking and talking like her. Basically I told him he needs to get help to deal with him mom cuz it was starting to create a lot of problems between us as he seems to think I treat him like she does.

 

In any case, I love the guy, he is sweet and loving and has a heart of gold so Im willing to help him thru it. I started researching more about the whole thing when my mom called. I kind of told her what had happened and she started saying how I should detach myself from it all, that I should focus on my future instead and how if this is how it is before we get married imagine how its going to be later. Ofcourse this put huge doubt in my mind again. ...

 

 

I wonder if I'm believing the fairy tale that loving someone is enough, that if we both want it bad enough we can work it out. I wonder if im heading for disaster by wanting to marry him (we've discussed it a lot and we even decided to mine our own stone for the engagement ring, all we need now is the set) when he has so many issues at home and traumas.

 

Im so sad because just today I listened to a saved message from him and made my day that much better. I would hate to find out the person that has been exactly what I wanted a man to be actually might be wrong for me. Thats just so depressing it makes me want to give up on the whole idea of marriage and relationships. I hate that it seems my family aren't all that thrilled I am with him even though they are more than happy to accept his help when we needed him.

 

Im so sad tonight

[4givrnt4gtr]

Leave him! You are not ready to deal with this kind of intensity, his kind of problems, or the amount of work it is going to take to have this relationship end happily.

From the beginning I knew what I was getting into, and at first it was hard to take but after time apart I realized I DO love him, a lot, and so does he. He has been nothing but loving and kind towards me and my major support when times are rough. After we broke up for a couple of weeks I made a commitment to us that I would support him and be there for him as long as he and I are respectful, he doesn't cheat or abuse me . After this I know I love him and I choose to be with him because I know I will never ever find someone like him.

 

Your family doesn't support you, he has no family support, and you are filled with enough doubt to end 10 relationships.

The first part is true, my family doesn't support me but not because of him. I come from a VERY damaged family due to my father's cheating and abandonment and the more recent disastrous divorces of both my siblings. My family's motto is "relationships never work, no matter what" and I'm told that on a constant basis. So its more that my family don't want me to get into ANY serious relationship with anyone (literally told this by all of them....my older sister suggested I don't even get into any relationship at all) more than be with him.

On his end, yeah he doesn't have any support, and it breaks my heart

And the doubt, again is more about my family's culture about relationships and love being nothing more than a frivolous fairytale and I should not waste my time on that. I should spend day and night finishing my doctorate and pursuing other things.

 

You don't love this guy, if you did your response to your family would be way different. You don't love this guy, if you did you wouldn't think some new "solution" is going to save your relationship or his mother. You don't love this guy, if you did then you would of already made up your mind about accepting him as a complete package.

 

Well reading this made me realize even more how much I love this man....because after the wave of sadness that prompted me to write here I decided that my family's ideas, as much as I love them are wrong by the simple fact that only I and he know how much we care for each other and what we are capable of together. We've gone this far, which many people doubt we ever would given that I had to move away after four months, survived hospitalizations, surgery etc, all leaning on each other and being supportive and loving. I would be an idiot to give up that type of love.

I'm not really looking for a solution to save us, cuz we're not in danger...I was just so sad thinking that what if they are right, what if love really isn't real. What if loving and respecting and supporting each other isn't enough...

And lastly for this part, as I said before, I made a commitment to him and I to accept and love every part of him, because thats much easier than living without him. Tried that. Didn't work.

 

His lack of emotional development can't be fixed by you. You don't have enough knowledge or training to help him. How long did it take him to become like this? 20+ years? You think you are going to help him with a pill, with behavior therapy, with love?

Well, I am a Marriage and Family therapist as well as a clinical psychologist doctorate student, but training and knowledge aside, the main warning we are given is that you cant ever treat your family. Funny enough, he is ALSO a Marriage and Family therapist and doctorate student. I think it HAS helped us communicate better and know what we can and cant do for each other.

Behavior therapy wont do much for him because his problem is more cognitive than behavioral, and he also would probably need help processing the abuse and neglect of his childhood. So you're right, Behavioral therapy wouldn't work, and a pill....ughh dont get me started on that.

Now love...well if nothing else, it wouldn't hurt.

 

His mother isn't going away, and as long as he can't get help for himself and her, you are going to be miserable, and so is he.

 

This I completely agree with....and accept. God forbid something happened to his mom but as I said to him, if she doesn't want help there is nothing anyone can do. In his case though, I sure hope he stops with the pride thing about "being able to handle it" and gets help, for him and us....we'll see, but for now. we're ok, we discussed what happened, he apologized because he had called me right after the fight and he was already riled up and agreed he needed help (he also needs freaking insurance!!!!).

 

And regarding my family , well, screw them.