coyoteshawn Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 OK, I cannot do this alone and I am a total wreck. This is sad from a 6ft 1inch 250lbs guy, but I was hit with the news friday my wife of 5 years wants a divorce (together for 9 years). I can't believe the emotions I am feeling, it feels worse than a death in the family I swear. Here are my problems, classic guy stupidity it seems. I ignored all the little things, would not listen, made fun of her (always in private and in jest) and was not available emotionally. I have a terrible communication problem and say things I do not mean. I do not have many friends due to depression myself that may have helped thing get to where they are. We don't drink, drugs or anything like that, pretty much a model household. I have bought her cars, jewelry, and everything under the sun but she claims they mean nothing and that all she wanted was for me to take her to a movie now and then. What a fool I have been, and I agree when she said I just did not listen to her. I have never yelled, hit, or ever called her any bad name in anger or otherwise and never will as I love her more than life. She is unique, independent, super smart and everything you could ever want in a girl. She is thoughtful, gentle, kind and was so full of love that I just must have killed because now its just rage and anger. In the three small talks we have had she tells me quote "She is done, there is nothing left." she also said that she loves me "But does not want to love me.". She says she hates herself more than me because she is ruining peoples lives (My son from a fling before I met my wife sees her as his mom and vise versa) and my business partner is like her Dad. She has no contact from her family because she was abused from a very young age. I can tell you also she bottles everything up and only expresses anger when it the last straw. Right now she won't even look at me, and she only expresses sheer anger and rage. Again, I admit, I did neglect all the small things and I am far from perfect. I also know she is not perfect but to sound cliched, she is perfect for me. I have spoken already to a therapist myself and believe it or not she is actually going to a therapist with me thursday. She says she only agreed to go so I will leave her alone. I called the therapist and he said that she seems very angry and she may well have her mind made up but that its good she agreed to go despite the reasons. He said he cannot change her mind if she is that determined but also says that many of the couples that go to see him say the same thing and yet benefit from the experience. I keep wondering should I keep the appointment together or just go myself, I hate watching her in so much pain, I always have. I used to watch her cry and be in pain when her family did cruel things to her and it killed me so this is hurting me too. I recommended some books that she perhaps could read and that only enraged her more and said that I need to read them, not her! Thats just what I am doing, I also am honest enough to know I need support in every way. I have already seen my family MD, got sleep meds, therapy is thursday and if she continues to go or not I know I will have to continue to better myself no matter what happens. I can't put nine years and every detail into this but the short of it is this, I have a very angry, emotional, hurt wife who deserved my attention, although I though gifts and such were enough they were not. My joking hurt her feelings, and my terrible communication and trying to convey things seem to be terrible as well to her. On the flip side she keeps most things bottled up and waits until she is angry to convey them. I think this time its gone to far for her. Any words of comfort would be wonderful, and I want to thank you in advance for taking time out to even respond. I will be honest, at this time I am not prepared to just give up but I am taking the steps to transition to that emotional state. I want to also say that there has never been infidelity on either part. We already have each others passwords and use the others cell phones on a regular basis and the fact that we see each other all the time would make it hard. She only uses facebook for the company and is rarely even on the computer. She has not left yet and says she will stay until June when my son goes to see his real mom for a month. Its very hard when she is still here but "Not here."... Thanks again....
carhill Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Welcome to LS I'd say keep up the solo and joint therapy (if possible) long enough to get to a point of resolution, where you and she can settle up amicably and without rancor. The past is the past. Can't undo it. MC and IC are for the future, whatever that future is. I'm on the other side of the D (about five months now) and can say, IME, that MC helped far more than I ever thought it would. Everyone is different but, IMO, try anything to resolve this and learn from it. If that means D, it does. If it facilitates reconciliation, it does. If it teaches you lessons and tools to use in your M or in a future relationship, it's worth the money and time and effort. My sympathies....
robf1971 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 OK, I cannot do this alone and I am a total wreck. This is sad from a 6ft 1inch 250lbs guy, but I was hit with the news friday my wife of 5 years wants a divorce (together for 9 years). I can't believe the emotions I am feeling, it feels worse than a death in the family I swear. Here are my problems, classic guy stupidity it seems. I ignored all the little things, would not listen, made fun of her (always in private and in jest) and was not available emotionally. I have a terrible communication problem and say things I do not mean. I do not have many friends due to depression myself that may have helped thing get to where they are. We don't drink, drugs or anything like that, pretty much a model household. I have bought her cars, jewelry, and everything under the sun but she claims they mean nothing and that all she wanted was for me to take her to a movie now and then. What a fool I have been, and I agree when she said I just did not listen to her. I have never yelled, hit, or ever called her any bad name in anger or otherwise and never will as I love her more than life. She is unique, independent, super smart and everything you could ever want in a girl. She is thoughtful, gentle, kind and was so full of love that I just must have killed because now its just rage and anger. In the three small talks we have had she tells me quote "She is done, there is nothing left." she also said that she loves me "But does not want to love me.". She says she hates herself more than me because she is ruining peoples lives (My son from a fling before I met my wife sees her as his mom and vise versa) and my business partner is like her Dad. She has no contact from her family because she was abused from a very young age. I can tell you also she bottles everything up and only expresses anger when it the last straw. Right now she won't even look at me, and she only expresses sheer anger and rage. Again, I admit, I did neglect all the small things and I am far from perfect. I also know she is not perfect but to sound cliched, she is perfect for me. I have spoken already to a therapist myself and believe it or not she is actually going to a therapist with me thursday. She says she only agreed to go so I will leave her alone. I called the therapist and he said that she seems very angry and she may well have her mind made up but that its good she agreed to go despite the reasons. He said he cannot change her mind if she is that determined but also says that many of the couples that go to see him say the same thing and yet benefit from the experience. I keep wondering should I keep the appointment together or just go myself, I hate watching her in so much pain, I always have. I used to watch her cry and be in pain when her family did cruel things to her and it killed me so this is hurting me too. I recommended some books that she perhaps could read and that only enraged her more and said that I need to read them, not her! Thats just what I am doing, I also am honest enough to know I need support in every way. I have already seen my family MD, got sleep meds, therapy is thursday and if she continues to go or not I know I will have to continue to better myself no matter what happens. I can't put nine years and every detail into this but the short of it is this, I have a very angry, emotional, hurt wife who deserved my attention, although I though gifts and such were enough they were not. My joking hurt her feelings, and my terrible communication and trying to convey things seem to be terrible as well to her. On the flip side she keeps most things bottled up and waits until she is angry to convey them. I think this time its gone to far for her. Any words of comfort would be wonderful, and I want to thank you in advance for taking time out to even respond. I will be honest, at this time I am not prepared to just give up but I am taking the steps to transition to that emotional state. I want to also say that there has never been infidelity on either part. We already have each others passwords and use the others cell phones on a regular basis and the fact that we see each other all the time would make it hard. She only uses facebook for the company and is rarely even on the computer. She has not left yet and says she will stay until June when my son goes to see his real mom for a month. Its very hard when she is still here but "Not here."... Thanks again.... Your situation is the same as mine and many others. Read enough of them and it plays almost like a script. There is nothing different about your situation. Marriage counselling is great, but only if both parties are genuinelly willing to give it a go. My wife said all the same things about staying a few months, she even told everyone about us separating (her mind was totally made up). Well guess what!! Six months down the line she's still here, we are in marriage counselling at HER request, she is talking about a future together, we have a little bit of a love life back, we go on dates. It just goes to show it ain't over till the fat lady sings. From what I'm getting in MC, I had depression issues and leant on her too much, she started to see me like another kid, women cannot be attracted to that!!
Author coyoteshawn Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 I just seen a text message between her and her best friend. In it she says that she "did not want to go to the therapy." and she hope that when its over today I will just leave her alone. Her friend is just asking the basics like "Did he argue with you?" etc. Although she of course is siding with my wife she seems to be pretty neutral and really just letting my wife make her own mind up. She also mentions how awful I have been in ignoring her and said some horrible things about me to her friend, but I should expect this right? Again, her friend seems more like she is listening rather than making snap judgements. I am in agony, but I have not argued with her, I have been polite, very light conversation. She is still very, very distant and extremely cold and only talks to me when needed or if I say something. Just an update.
What_Next Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Welcome to LS, first off I am sorry you are here. Secondly a bit of friendly advice, try to use paragraphs etc. It makes reading a post like yours MUCH easier. Now, you most definitely are not alone. Let's get something out of the way right from the word go, are you 100% sure there is no other man? Are you REALLY sure? If you are, then you still stand a fantastic chance of recovering things with your wife. If there is even the slimest chance of another man you must act entirely different. First, go to the therapy session, either alone or hopefully with your wife. It can only help. Research and read up on the 180 and use whatever aspects of it would be beneficial to you. When you first read it, a lot of it will seeem counter intuitive, but it is very effective. Your wife WILL NOT believe any changes you put forth right now, she may initially get angry about them, but stay the course and ignore that. Don't move out, don't offer to move out. If she wants out, she leaves. Keep on posting. There are lots of people that are here to help.
debtman Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Welcome to LS and I'm sorry you're here, going through this. The situation sounds very familiar, except my W had already found OM when she told me the M was over. She had been telling me for several months that she was feeling alone, disconnected, etc. and I tried making myself more available, spending more time with her, arranging things so we could go out on dates, etc. but, turns out, she was just looking for change in her life, she was looking for something new, for the passion that comes from a new person being completely into her, even though that's only a transitory part of any relationship. She was, and is, insecure, lacks confidence and is very stubborn. She has what she wanted...for now...but it won't last. And she hasn't changed. I got a second chance at life and another chance to find someone to be with AND, most importantly, I learned a valuable lesson about relationships, love and TRUE partnership. I'm just trying to say, don't blame yourself too much for the state of the relationship. There are 2 people at fault if the relationship goes south. If she needed something else from you or was being hurt by what you were doing, she had a responsibility to communicate. Good relationships are based on good, open communication. I felt I couldn't do that because, whenever I communicated openly, she got mad. I didn't feel that I had an opinion if my thoughts didn't match hers. Don't put her up on too much of a pedestal. There are lots of women out there. Lots of fantastic people. This is a temporary situation. Hopefully you will BOTH be able to make the changes needed to make this work, but, if you don't, after you get over the initial pain of being "passed over" you will find your freedom again, revel in what life has to offer and gain your confidence back. WN has great advice and the BEST thing you can do right now, for yourself and your relationship is to do the 180 NOW. Good luck and keep posting...
imagine Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 If there is no other man the situation is recoverable! Meet her emotional needs. Do it gently. She will believe in consistent actions rather than words. Find out what these needs are. Check out the lists at marriagebuilders.com. Good luck!
Author coyoteshawn Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 We went to our first day of therapy today and I could not help myself, I was blubbering like a five year old and as I looked at her she was still as beautiful to me as the day I married her. She started out by telling the therapist that she was only here because I basically said I would leave her alone if she went and at least tried. The therapist was kind and very informative and I could not believe he actually had her do most of the talking for a full two hour session. She cried some and then every time he would ask if she thought that she was giving up too much she said "No, and her mind is made up.". He asked this on about four occasions very nicely and each time she said that its over and she is only there because of my son. He did say to her that he thinks she is very angry and that she needs to think about what she is giving up without working harder to make it better for herself and everyone. She agreed with many of his points about her state of mind and her being angry and that she also allowed this to get as far as it did and at the end of the session, she happily agreed to another next week. She did state that it was only to help me through this and to help prepare for her eventual exit come the end of may. She would talk as if she was empowered and then just a quickly she would cry. She originally was so angry about going and now agreed to another visit. Since I am new to this it seems so strange. He asked me all the standard questions and I had told him all of the things I knew I did wrong and also was told things that I had done that I was not aware of or thought was bad and I was in tears because it seems so simple to avoid this if you just listen to your wife. All mine repeats is I should have just paid attention to her, done the little things she asked and just generally be there more than I was. But like a big dumb guy, I focused on the big things and basically ignored the rest and even made fun of her when she wanted to do those things. I though I was being funny but I was being and idiot. My family MD after much pleading from me has put me on 20mg of Lexapro (Anti depression) and Ambien so I can sleep. He was very hesitant to put me on the Lexapro but I am a total mess and to be honest I need it. Last question, everyone keeps talking about the 180 program. I have already been in that mode but not because of the "180" but just because it seems like the right thing to do. The odd part is that she is angry / "Out of love." because I ignored her, so how does doing that even more help? I am soooo confused. Thanks again..
robf1971 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 "No, and her mind is made up.". You need to stop the bleeding in this relationship. I say this in capitals to get it through to you LEAVE HER ALONE. Stop the blubbering,crying and cr*p. You need to start acting happy, get your own life, make new friends, meed new people (I don't mean cheat on your wife). You need to do some digging to find out if an OM is present, if there is and sadly there is about a 50/50 chance of that then a different course of action is required. Please, listen to me, my advice is worthwhile. I've pulled my marriage back from the edge and been in the same situation as you.
Eeyore79 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I also don't see how leaving his wife alone would help. Her complaint is that he's ignored her and not fulfiled her emotional needs, so how can it be a good thing if he continues not meeting them? If I was his wife, what I'd want to see is some genuine remorse for his behavior and some love and caring.
LostMyHeart Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I agree with Eeyore at this point...she is on the fence and agreeing to the MC. At this point, I would do what the counselor advises to do. Sincerity goes a long way...begging ...no, but when someone is on the fence - pulling out the heavy artillery early generally serves to drive them away.
robf1971 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I also don't see how leaving his wife alone would help. Her complaint is that he's ignored her and not fulfiled her emotional needs, so how can it be a good thing if he continues not meeting them? If I was his wife, what I'd want to see is some genuine remorse for his behavior and some love and caring. Hmm really... Actually if he'd have done that years before, yep you'd be right.. sad fact is she now wants nothing to do with him, all the " I love you's" and "gifts" in the world won't do J*ck sh*t. In fact the more he tries to win her back now, the more she will run. The lady has lost respect for him, without that there can be no love.
robf1971 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Her complaint is that he's ignored her and not fulfiled her emotional needs, . I would also assume that his wife isn't perfect either, it sounds like she's giving him a class A guilt trip and he is believing it. I have been through exactly the same situation, in fact all these situations are remarkably similar.
Author coyoteshawn Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 She left her cell phone on the bed and I seen her messeges to her best friend. Her best friend asked "If I was nagging her." my wife replied "No, I was just sitting at the breakfast bar and that she hoped I would not even look at her.". She then said in the text that "She needed to start a countdown." I suppose thats to when she leaves. I know I have done really stupid things, but she even admitted she let it go on for too long and helped let herself get the way she is. This is really the first time she has ever threatened to leave in our nine years so why does it have to be so final? Those texts hurt, I admit, but its to be expected since she has already said she hates and is leaving me. I would give my eyes for a second chance. I am keeping my distance and just being nice. Right now I am the enemy, no doubt. She sees me as a huge obstacle in her way right now. I am certain she has said other unpleasant things to her friend. Her friend really has only said cheerful things like "Your young and beautiful and everything will be allright." and nothing really awful about me so I guess thats ok. I hope someday she begins to see some good again and perhaps change her mind. I assure you, this whole relationship was not terrible. Two weeks before she snapped she was still talking about the future with us. Its strange...
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