Star_Bright Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I don't want a relationship/boyfriend. I'm in the middle of making some major life changes, one of which will probably have me moving away from my current city any time within six months to a year and a half. I don't want to get tied down here -- I feel like right now I am free to only focus on myself and determine what I want for my own life. When I meet guys, I tell them this up front. I say I'm just looking for fun, casual, hang-out dating. They say they are fine with it but then after a couple "dates" they want a relationship. This is the third time this has happened to me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Is what I want impossible? I don't want to just have random sex/ONSs but I also don't want to get into a committed long-term relationship. I guess I want to "have it all" in that I want a relationship without the commitment/expectation that it will last. I say up front that it isn't going anywhere, but then they want it to go somewhere. Am I being selfish? Should I just not date at all? Maybe I should just take a dating hiatus until I'm at a point in my life where I feel ready for a real relationship. I'm tired of having to re-explain it to a guy and I feel like I'm letting him down, and it's just not worth it. If we connect and have fun hanging out together, he wants more and then I feel bad. In the past I have always been in relationships (which is my problem... I gravitate towards relationships and am trying not to so that I can focus on myself) and I guess I just don't get the whole single-but-dating thing. I thought it was supposed to be fun? But it doesn't feel fun for me. I'm thinking of swearing it off, but then if I'm out with my girl friend and a guy comes up to talk to me, I don't want to be snooty or a bump on the log. I do want to date, I just don't it to get serious. Is this unreasonable? Aren't there guys out there who want the same thing? Maybe they are just living somewhere temporarily or they are really involved with something in their own life so they want to hang out for fun but not have a relationship. Maybe I'm off my rocker to think this is even possible. Please help.
East7 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I do want to date, I just don't it to get serious. Is this unreasonable? Aren't there guys out there who want the same thing? Maybe they are just living somewhere temporarily or they are really involved with something in their own life so they want to hang out for fun but not have a relationship. Maybe I'm off my rocker to think this is even possible. Please help. I thing the concept of FWB would be the one who fits your needs the best. It depends what are you looking for through dating: Sex or companionship ? If its just sex FWB will do, if it is companionship, friendship is a better solution than dating. The other guys are "normal" people who feel connection at some point and will expect a relationship. PS. Haven't you been an xOW if I'm not wrong?
fishtaco Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 It's Murphy's Law. When you just want to play, you meet all these people that want relationships. When you want a relationship, you meet all these people that just want to play. It's not uncommon to meet people with different dating goals or other incompatibilities. If you're doing casual anyway, then why does it bother you? Just end things with them and go out with some other guys. Even if they didn't switch on you, most likely eventually you'd be swapping them out anyway. Casual dating is casual.
carhill Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 So, do you want to consistently 'hang out' and have consistent, non-exclusive sex? Seems like a non-attached version of your prior involvement as an OW is a perfect way to achieve that goal, or finding a man who would be agreeable to a FWB arrangement. From what I read, many women are fending these kinds of men off, both single and married, so it shouldn't be too difficult. The more options a man has, generally a function of his social status and attractiveness, the more he'll exercise. Just be bold and flirt with some successful men and see what happens.
Author Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 I thing the concept of FWB would be the one who fits your needs the best. It depends what are you looking for through dating: Sex or companionship ? If its just sex FWB will do, if it is companionship, friendship is a better solution than dating. The other guys are "normal" people who feel connection at some point and will expect a relationship. PS. Haven't you been an xOW if I'm not wrong? Yeah, I would like to find a FWB. Haven't had much luck in that department. I thought I had a FWB (I guess I don't really understand what the "friend" part of those abbreviations is supposed to be about... I mean I've had what I thought was an "F" buddy... well even that has the word "buddy" in it. What I mean is that I thought I've had someone to just hook up with and not have any kind of emotional attachment with whatsoever.) But then my FWB asked if my girl friend and I, with whom I had met him, wanted to go back to the same karaoke bar where we had met, with him and some of his buddies, and I was like, sure, that sounds like fun. And it was. But then he started wanting to hang out all the time. I don't get it. I thought that if a girl slept with a guy right away he wasn't supposed to view her as relationship material??! That is so not what happened with this guy. So I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship and just wanted to hang out and have fun. (Which I had already told him the night I met him... we all had a big conversation about it). He said that was fine with him, he didn't either. I was thinking, okay, we have the "friend" part of FWB, we have companionship and fun times now and then and we also hook up, but it's not a relationship relationship and even if there's a fun connection, we both know it's not going to go anywhere. But then he still kept wanting to see me every day and he would send me texts like "I miss you." I was thinking, sexually? I mean, it was confusing because he had told me he doesn't want a relationship and he knew I didn't either. But here he was wanting to see me every day, talk on the phone a lot... I feel like I am really busy sorting out my life right now and that's why I don't want a boyfriend. But it was like he wanted to be my boyfriend and trying to act like that, while saying he didn't want that. It was very confusing to me and I kept feeling bad because he's a sweet guy, if not a bit clingy. I finally told him this sitch wasn't working out, that he wanted and deserved more than I could give him right now. He kept claiming he was fine with what we had and just wanted to see me as much as he could for as long as he could. Honestly that kind of creeped me out. I felt like I had explained it as much as I could and I've just been ignoring him, but he still texts and asks me when he's going to see me. So much for FWB. That's the part that makes me want to hole up in my house, because I feel like if I even go out and meet a guy, it's just going to turn into this awful scenario and I'll feel like I'm hurting them. I would have no problem with a total FWB scenario or with just hanging out casually, like once a week or something, because I'm super busy. I feel I express this to them very clearly. But this is not the first time this has happened recently so I guess I am just doing it all wrong. I almost feel like they take "I don't want a relationship" as a challenge and think, "Now I want a relationship with her" or something. And yes, I'm an xOW.
Author Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 It's Murphy's Law. When you just want to play, you meet all these people that want relationships. When you want a relationship, you meet all these people that just want to play. It's not uncommon to meet people with different dating goals or other incompatibilities. If you're doing casual anyway, then why does it bother you? Just end things with them and go out with some other guys. Even if they didn't switch on you, most likely eventually you'd be swapping them out anyway. Casual dating is casual. I like this advice. I guess I worry too much about what the other person wants/how they feel. I need to stay concentrated on dating casually, and if they get too relationship-oriented, move on from them. I know this is a simple concept but it really helps to see it spelled out this way. I'm a moron, ha ha. Thanks Fishtaco.
Author Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 So, do you want to consistently 'hang out' and have consistent, non-exclusive sex? Seems like a non-attached version of your prior involvement as an OW is a perfect way to achieve that goal, or finding a man who would be agreeable to a FWB arrangement. From what I read, many women are fending these kinds of men off, both single and married, so it shouldn't be too difficult. The more options a man has, generally a function of his social status and attractiveness, the more he'll exercise. Just be bold and flirt with some successful men and see what happens. Not quite sure what you mean by the bolded part. If you mean being an OW again, never, ever. As to finding a FWB arrangement, yes, perfect. Sign me up. I hope some of these (single) men that other women have to fend off come my way.
carhill Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 OK, then, if the married men aren't appropriate, flirt at random and ask the question ('Are you married?') and sort appropriately. The key is to shoot as high as possible as those are the sorts of men who will be both discreet and have the most experience with casual non-exclusive relationships. Also, expand your age range. A well-presented online ad should return plenty of potentials in a short period, assuming you live in a metropolitan area. I recall, when visiting one of my LS friends, her online ad returned 61 e-mails in one day, from an impressive (both looks-wise and professionally) mix of men. If she wasn't busy with other things, she could be casually dating a couple nights a week for months on end and probably end up with an arrangement like you want. It's definitely possible. Like with guys approaching women, it's a numbers game. Good luck
Author Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 OK, then, if the married men aren't appropriate, flirt at random and ask the question ('Are you married?') and sort appropriately. The key is to shoot as high as possible as those are the sorts of men who will be both discreet and have the most experience with casual non-exclusive relationships. Also, expand your age range. A well-presented online ad should return plenty of potentials in a short period, assuming you live in a metropolitan area. I recall, when visiting one of my LS friends, her online ad returned 61 e-mails in one day, from an impressive (both looks-wise and professionally) mix of men. If she wasn't busy with other things, she could be casually dating a couple nights a week for months on end and probably end up with an arrangement like you want. It's definitely possible. Like with guys approaching women, it's a numbers game. Good luck Thanks, Carhill. I haven't tried online dating. I seem to meet a lot of guys in real life so I hadn't thought of it. But I guess it could be good for my kind of situation.
musemaj11 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Yeah, I would like to find a FWB. Haven't had much luck in that department. I thought I had a FWB (I guess I don't really understand what the "friend" part of those abbreviations is supposed to be about... I mean I've had what I thought was an "F" buddy... well even that has the word "buddy" in it. What I mean is that I thought I've had someone to just hook up with and not have any kind of emotional attachment with whatsoever.) But then my FWB asked if my girl friend and I, with whom I had met him, wanted to go back to the same karaoke bar where we had met, with him and some of his buddies, and I was like, sure, that sounds like fun. And it was. But then he started wanting to hang out all the time. I don't get it. I thought that if a girl slept with a guy right away he wasn't supposed to view her as relationship material??! That is so not what happened with this guy. A man doesnt want a woman whom he has had sex with only if she gets attached. It makes him see her as a conquest. But if the girl leaves after the sex and never looks back, reverse psychology occur and the guy becomes the one who feels that he is the conquest and comes after her.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 If a girl was having sex with me "right away" I definitely wouldn't be trying to pursue a relationship with her? Maybe these guys don't get laid enough.
Author Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 A man doesnt want a woman whom he has had sex with only if she gets attached. It makes him see her as a conquest. But if the girl leaves after the sex and never looks back, reverse psychology occur and the guy becomes the one who feels that he is the conquest and comes after her. I see. Well I certainly leave after the sex and don't look back. So that explains it I guess. I don't see him as a "conquest", of course, I just like having sex/dating for fun but have no intention of getting attached. Ideally we would have repeat sex if it's good and hang out casually but neither would get attached. I guess I'm finding it's not an ideal world. I don't really like the game-playing in terms of "conquests" and stuff but I guess it's just natural/sub-conscious.
Author Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 If a girl was having sex with me "right away" I definitely wouldn't be trying to pursue a relationship with her? Maybe these guys don't get laid enough. I don't know. It seems to me that they would get laid enough... but it's not like I grill them on how often they get laid.
sumdude Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 For a lot of men the idea of a FWB seems perfect... until the notion that the woman isn't exclusive with him stirs up jealousy and such. Men get attached too though maybe not as readily as most women. I could imagine being in that kind of arrangement, but only with someone I wasn't totally attracted to or especially liked because then I would naturally be interested in more.
ALonerAgain Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 When I meet guys, I tell them this up front. I say I'm just looking for fun, casual, hang-out dating. They say they are fine with it but then after a couple "dates" they want a relationship. This is the third time this has happened to me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Is what I want impossible? After reading up on commitment-phobia, I came across the theory that sometimes those that know on some level that commitment can never seriously happen between a potential partner are usually most open to give love and affection. Another psychological view, but sounds like these guys might seem like they want more only because they already know that nothing is really going to come of it, thus making them feel more connected to your 'no-commitment' vibes.
Author Star_Bright Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 For a lot of men the idea of a FWB seems perfect... until the notion that the woman isn't exclusive with him stirs up jealousy and such. Men get attached too though maybe not as readily as most women. I could imagine being in that kind of arrangement, but only with someone I wasn't totally attracted to or especially liked because then I would naturally be interested in more. Yeah, that is the problem I'm running into. I know it's natural that if they're attracted to me and like hanging out with me, they start to want more. I get that and I actually feel the same but I just think with my head, not my heart, and think, I don't want a relationship right now so I need to keep this casual. But that's the part that makes me feel like not dating at all until I'm ready to have a relationship... because it's no fun to have to curtail it, and I don't want to hurt the guy accidentally or lead him on. I can say until I'm blue in the face that I don't want a relationship but I think he takes the fact that we have fun together and there's chemistry as thinking, well, this is pretty much a relationship, or, maybe it will become one, or something. I was just wondering if there are others on this board who are dating "just" for fun, purposefully keeping things casual, or if most people are dating with the goal of getting into a relationship? Does anyone else not want a relationship right now or anytime soon, but still date? (And I guess there's a range from FWB/F buddies (which is not "dating," to me), to hanging out and having fun and having sex but not getting into a relationship. Or maybe I'm just weird. I know carhill says I'm not, and that I can find others like me online. That makes me feel better, ha ha. I was just wondering if others can relate maybe.
Author Star_Bright Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 After reading up on commitment-phobia, I came across the theory that sometimes those that know on some level that commitment can never seriously happen between a potential partner are usually most open to give love and affection. Another psychological view, but sounds like these guys might seem like they want more only because they already know that nothing is really going to come of it, thus making them feel more connected to your 'no-commitment' vibes. I think I understand what you're saying. I often feel like I'm "emotionally unavailable" at the moment (and, I guess it's weird, but I'm doing it so that I can become "emotionally available"/ready for a serious commitment... which I guess I have never been)... but there are still people who date these types. I just feel like, with this last guy, he's sweet and he really does want a girlfriend and so I was wasting his time because I couldn't give him what he deserves. But then he kept saying hanging out with me was better than nothing at all and what he wanted if we couldn't be in a relationship. Does that mean he was settling for scraps? Or that he was just taking life as it came and was really okay with it? It didn't feel like he was okay with it... it felt like he wanted and was hoping for more. I actually feel really bad about the whole situation, to the point of not wanting to go out with a guy or even meet/talk with a guy because somehow this situation turned bad and I don't want a repeat. I think I care about other people's feelings so much which is good but then it's hard to keep sight of what I really want. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore.
lovelydemon Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I feel exactly the same way you describe, Star Bright. I actually decided to stop dating until I'm ready for a relationship. Past summer I dated a guy who wanted eventually get married, so I had to break up the relationship that we had (it was only about 4 months really but I felt bad for stringing him along for even that time). Relationships are so much work and I'm so very happy with my single life . So no, you are not the only one who feels that way:).
musemaj11 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I see. Well I certainly leave after the sex and don't look back. So that explains it I guess. I don't see him as a "conquest", of course, I just like having sex/dating for fun but have no intention of getting attached. Ideally we would have repeat sex if it's good and hang out casually but neither would get attached. I guess I'm finding it's not an ideal world. I don't really like the game-playing in terms of "conquests" and stuff but I guess it's just natural/sub-conscious. Yea its all sub conscious factor. Men are human beings too and its natural for any human beings to seek attention. Maybe you should be less cold.
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