Long story - bet you've heard it before....

[Chula]

We’ve been together 30 years – married 28. I found out about my H’s affair this past September – after stumbling upon some emails on our home computer. Married female co-worker, just friends…blah, blah, blah - you know the story…anyway, he swore at the time there was nothing physical between them. Only one hug – which was supposed to be a good-bye hug because she was leaving to take a job someplace else.

He and I went on vacation for two weeks. OW was supposed to be gone by the time we got back. When we got back I found H and OW had talked on the phone almost every day we were gone. They had exchanged emails. I discovered the emails after we got back from this trip…..(turns out it was not my vacation – I was there, but they pretty much spent it with each other.) How stupid was I? Ugh.

I knew they were friends – they’ve worked in the same office for 15 years. They really were just friends until just before she was supposed to leave. And then the dynamics changed. She told him she’d had a crush on him for years. He flirted back…..and so it goes.

In October she still wasn’t gone…they had rescinded the job offer. By then he and I discussed the A to death – he answered every question I had. He admitted to the hug and some neck nuzzling, but no kissing and no sex. He said he was “in love” with her. I told him if he needed her to have joy in his life, then he needed to go be with her. But he couldn’t have me. Plain and simple. I wouldn’t beg him to stay.

He called it off with OW and told her that even though they loved each other, it wasn’t good for anyone. Neither one of them had any intention of leaving their marriage – this was just something “extra”. And now it was over.

Well, they stopped the touching but continued to meet in each other’s office to talk, exchanged emails and phone calls (during work hours) and often reiterated that, yes they loved each other, but it couldn’t be more than a friendship. That went on for another couple of months. In December he finally admitted to me that he and OW had kissed a few times, but not since September. It was definitely over – even the friendship. He said they agreed there would be no more casual contact, only what was needed for work purposes.

I figured we would be able to work through this – yes, he had betrayed me and I was devastated – but we’ve been together our whole adult lives, surely we would figure a way to be ok. He seems to be recommitting to me and our marriage. She had applied for another job and would be leaving – this time for real.

But…in January I discovered that he reached out to her in email after weeks of no contact. I confronted him about it - and he lied to me. Twice. And then admitted to it, but swore it was innocent contact. Wasn’t meant to start anything – just wanted to wish her well with the new job. Really? Then why lie about it? He said he was sorry, wrote OW an email saying he loved his wife and was going to give his marriage everything he had for the rest of his life and that they were to let the friendship go forever.

But it feels like too little, too late at this point. I feel like I’m done. I can hardly look at him. I think I’d rather be alone than continue to make this behavior ok for him. It’s hard to think about turning away from a 30 year relationship, but this hurts too much.

To me, this was more than an EA, but not quite the full-blown physical, sexual affair. In some ways the emotional attachment is harder to accept than the physical part. Not to, in any way, diminish what many of you have gone through with physical affairs – please don’t misunderstand – I don’t mean to make light of that. It’s just heartbreaking to know how hard it was for him to let her go.

Am I making too much of this? All thoughts and opinions are welcome…..thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long.

[Snowflower]

Your story is heartbreaking. Unfortunately, it is all too common and proves how hard it is to break the attraction/addiction of affairs

 

You gave your H a second chance and he blew it...by contacting her/emailing her after a period of NC...THEN he lies to you about it.

 

Have you told your H what you have posted here? That you feel you are done? I'm curious as to what his reaction is. Does he believe you when you say this? Is he worried? Or does he have a "she'll get over it" attitude?

 

Good for you for sticking to your guns on this! (((hugs)))

[seren]

Your story is heartbreaking. Unfortunately, it is all too common and proves how hard it is to break the attraction/addiction of affairs

 

You gave your H a second chance and he blew it...by contacting her/emailing her after a period of NC...THEN he lies to you about it.

 

Have you told your H what you have posted here? That you feel you are done? I'm curious as to what his reaction is. Does he believe you when you say this? Is he worried? Or does he have a "she'll get over it" attitude?

 

Good for you for sticking to your guns on this! (((hugs)))

 

Everything that Snowflower has said, this is what trickle truth is and it is so, so destructive. I would ask for it all the whole shebang, google Letter to a Wayward Spouse, print it out and give it to him. I did this to my H to let him know why I had to have nothng but the whole truth, no matter what it entailed. Set firm boundaries, if you are staying. I understand the not being able to look him in the face.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through, it is an awful, terrible time and I echo SF with many (((hugs))) for you.

Seren x

[Spark1111]

So many WSs go through this flip-flopping, this slow detox of their AP, the reinitiating contact as friends only to be sucked in all over again.

 

Very similiar to the alchoholic who feels what harm can one beer do to me? Except it turns into two, four, and down the path they spiral once again.

 

Unfortunately in this haze of hormones, they fail to realize the very real gift they are squandering of a BS willing to try and reconcile, to hold onto a relationship of depth and stature that has endured 30 years.

 

Many a WS, such as your H, do not realize that the handling of the aftermath, sabotage that brief window of opportunity, that gift, and do more damage in the months after DDAy than the discovery of the affair itself.

 

They actually grind into dust the love that was waiting for them all along.

 

A marriage dies not with a bang --the discovery of the affair--but with a wimper of misteps and repeated breeches of trust after the discovery.

 

Pack his bags. Put him out. Wish him well. You are being waaaay to patient and kind and understanding and he has taken advantage of that.

 

Figure what your line in the sand is. Then draw it clearly and broadly. Focus on you: what you want, what you need, what will make you happy.

 

Then enforce it! For the sake of yourself and your sanity! Wish him well. Wish his new relationship well. Be done. See what happens. What do you have to lose? At this point, I would venture you's lose a lot of heartache and insanity.

 

Then go find a really hot boyfriend and let him treat you like a princess while you call the attorneys.

[Chula]

Have you told your H what you have posted here? That you feel you are done? I'm curious as to what his reaction is. Does he believe you when you say this? Is he worried? Or does he have a "she'll get over it" attitude?

 

 

Snowflower - Yes, I have told H all this. He says he sometimes feels it's over, too - but only because of my recent coolness toward him. He never meant for it to come to this. To be honest, he's sorry that he hurt me, but he's not sure how it blew up to be this big of a deal. After all, there was no sex...

He says he understands that it's going to take time, but would prefer that I just "get over it". He's frustrated that I can't get on board with his attempt to recommit. I'm pretty sure he thinks it's just gonna blow over, like most things have in the past.

[Chula]

Very similiar to the alchoholic who feels what harm can one beer do to me? Except it turns into two, four, and down the path they spiral once again.

 

Unfortunately in this haze of hormones, they fail to realize the very real gift they are squandering of a BS willing to try and reconcile, to hold onto a relationship of depth and stature that has endured 30 years.

 

Many a WS, such as your H, do not realize that the handling of the aftermath, sabotage that brief window of opportunity, that gift, and do more damage in the months after DDAy than the discovery of the affair itself.

 

They actually grind into dust the love that was waiting for them all along.

 

A marriage dies not with a bang --the discovery of the affair--but with a wimper of misteps and repeated breeches of trust after the discovery.

 

 

Spark1111 - interestingly enough, H is a recovering alcoholic. We have been through round after round of him riding that slippery slope the last few years - thinking he could be a social drinker, only to rediscover that he can't. He's sober now about 60 days. The affair followed that same pattern.

 

Thank you for so eloquently stating what I have been feeling, but not been able to put into words....the part about slowly grinding to dust the love that was waiting. I'm afraid that's exactly what's happened.

 

Does anyone think it would help if I were to call the OW? Or has too much time passed? (She's been gone three weeks-still works in the same building as H, but different agency and different floor) I don't wish her ill and am not interested in getting in a bitch fight - I really just want to ask for her version of the A and if she's determined to maintain NC. Or should I just let that lie and consider it a non-issue at this point...?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower - Yes, I have told H all this. He says he sometimes feels it's over, too - but only because of my recent coolness toward him. He never meant for it to come to this. To be honest, he's sorry that he hurt me, but he's not sure how it blew up to be this big of a deal. After all, there was no sex...

He says he understands that it's going to take time, but would prefer that I just "get over it". He's frustrated that I can't get on board with his attempt to recommit. I'm pretty sure he thinks it's just gonna blow over, like most things have in the past.

 

So basically, in his mind because he didn't have sex with her (or so he says) the whole thing isn't a big deal and that you should just "get over it."

 

Your husband DID most assuredly cheat on you (even if it wasn't sex) and has continued to lie and cover up what he has done.

 

Please take to heart what Spark wrote above. She very poignantly describes what happens to a marriage when the WS seeks to minimize the damage they did and put it on their BS (you) to get over it.

 

Chula, so far the three of us who have responded to your thread (Spark, Seren, and myself) have all been in your shoes. Do not let your husband get away with treating you like this or you will always regret it.

 

Have you gone to any counseling either individually or as a couple? Have you done any reading regarding infidelity?

 

BTW, in response to your latest question about talking to the OW, I would say no...I think it will just add to your pain and confusion and leave you with even more questions/uncertainty. Your problem is your husband--not her.

[PhoenixRise]

Snowflower is right

 

If you let this pass. If you force yourself to "just get over it' if you pretend to "just get over it" to keep the peace, there will be huge implications for your marriage and you will regret it.

 

If your feelings for him have changed because he didn't honor your efforts to forgive and repair the marriage, well that is just a reasonable response.

 

ACT.

 

Act on what you know about yourself and your feelings.

 

Rock the freaking boat. Big Time.

 

If your husband is infatuated with another woman, if he is hiding their contact and disrespecting your marriage and lying to you, you really have nothing to lose by rocking the boat.

 

For your marriage to work, for true reconciliation to happen, you BOTH have to be committed to the process and fully invested in the relationship. If he isn't fully invested in the relationship then you need to be fully invested in you.

 

This is your life. You only get one.

 

So Chula what are your boundaries? What lines can't be crossed with you?

 

Figure out where your boundaries are then act. Show him (and yourself) that there are certain behaviors that you won't tolerate. Your words, tears, arguments, threats, etc...won't cut it. The only thing that will show you are serious about how you expect to be treated in your marriage (in any relationship really) is your actions.

 

I know how hard this is. BTDT.

 

But I can promise you this, until you find the strength, courage, and self esteem to stand up for yourself, nothing gets better.

 

Good Luck

[TigerCub]

Hi Chula,

 

So sorry you're hurting.

Your story made me really sad. 30 years is a long time to be with someone - its sad that its come down to this

 

I told him if he needed her to have joy in his life, then he needed to go be with her. But he couldn’t have me. Plain and simple. I wouldn’t beg him to stay.

I just wanted to say, that you should be very proud of yourself for the above. You didn't resort to begging, you kept your dignity and held you head high - and I can only imagine how hard it is to just let someone go (or at least offer to) that you've been with for so long.

 

But honestly, be very proud of yourself for that moment. It really shows your strength and the value you place on yourself.

 

 

 

But…in January I discovered that he reached out to her in email after weeks of no contact. I confronted him about it - and he lied to me.

 

From the above, and another post you made in which you said your H didn't see it as the huge deal it was because the A never got physical. I think that's cause to really worry (sorry), but it is.

Your H doesn't value honesty in the relationship and he doesn't see what's wrong in having a strong emotional connection to someone that's not his spouse.

 

He's trying to push you to "get over it", that's wrong. He should be seeing his mistakes and doing everything he can to fix it. He needs to understand how wrong his actions are, in order for you no to worry that it would happen again.

 

I'm really sorry for your pain.

**HUGS**

[Waitress]

I told him if he needed her to have joy in his life, then he needed to go be with her. But he couldn’t have me. Plain and simple. I wouldn’t beg him to stay.

 

Hi Chula, Like others have said, I think you are handling this incredibly well. With such heart and integrity. Such dignity.

 

The truth is he has been having his cake and eating it, too, for years. It is impossible for any of us to say what we would do in your situation because none of us have the decades of shared experiences the two of you have.

 

Follow your heart and keep doing what you know is RIGHT.

 

Oh, and please put spaces between your paragraphs. It makes them easier to read!

[Chula]

Oh, and please put spaces between your paragraphs. It makes them easier to read!

 

Sorry about that....couldn't find a way to go back and edit my original post.

 

 

I know it's sad - 30 years IS a long time and I hate the timing of this. (well, I hate that this is happening at all...duh)

 

Our oldest son was just married this past December and the other will be married in May of this year.

 

The deterioration of their parents relationship isn't exactly an encouragement to their new marriages, is it? I am hopeful for them, tho - both boys have grown to be excellent men - they earn good livings and treat their girls well. And believe it or not, they mostly learned that from their dad.

 

They don't know anything specific about what's going on - I think they have an idea that all is not right with their parents, though.

 

I have seen a counselor - actually it's H's alcohol abuse/family counselor. I've seen her three times and talked mostly about the A. I don't exactly know what she and H have talked about - I assume the A and also alcohol issues. H and I are supposed to see her together next week for the first time. That should be interesting.

 

Other than the counselor, I've not spoken of this to anyone. Decided I didn't want this to bleed over into other areas of my life. When I get together with a friend for lunch or whatever, I don't want this A to be the only thing we talk about....so I've kept it to myself. It'll be a huge shock to everyone if we split up.

 

One problem is that I work from home - my clients come here for brief consults. So most of my day is spent alone - just me and my brain. Scary.

 

To answer Snowflower's question about whether I've been reading about infidelity and recovery from affairs, etc.... Yes. Tons. Books, articles and on-line research. Probably more than what's good for me, to be honest.

 

Some of the advice I've read makes sense....some of it doesn't. Trying to take what sounds good for me and leave the rest.

 

One thing I've got going for me is that I'm not afraid to leave him. My little business definitely won't support me, but I'll figure out how to make it if I have to.

 

Everyone - Appreciate your thoughts - and ((hugs)).

[PhoenixRise]

Sorry about that....couldn't find a way to go back and edit my original post.

 

 

 

I know it's sad - 30 years IS a long time and I hate the timing of this. (well, I hate that this is happening at all...duh)

 

Our oldest son was just married this past December and the other will be married in May of this year.

 

Congratulations on the marriages of your sons

 

The deterioration of their parents relationship isn't exactly an encouragement to their new marriages, is it? I am hopeful for them, tho - both boys have grown to be excellent men - they earn good livings and treat their girls well. And believe it or not, they mostly learned that from their dad.

 

I believe it and I am glad to hear it. It is good that your husband has been a good influence on your sons.

 

They don't know anything specific about what's going on - I think they have an idea that all is not right with their parents, though.

 

I have seen a counselor - actually it's H's alcohol abuse/family counselor. I've seen her three times and talked mostly about the A. I don't exactly know what she and H have talked about - I assume the A and also alcohol issues. H and I are supposed to see her together next week for the first time. That should be interesting.

 

Other than the counselor, I've not spoken of this to anyone. Decided I didn't want this to bleed over into other areas of my life. When I get together with a friend for lunch or whatever, I don't want this A to be the only thing we talk about....so I've kept it to myself. It'll be a huge shock to everyone if we split up.

 

Since you are not talking to your friends and family about the A then it is good that you have a counselor to talk to. Do you think she is helping? If she is then great, but if she is not maybe think about seeing a MC.

 

One problem is that I work from home - my clients come here for brief consults. So most of my day is spent alone - just me and my brain. Scary.

 

When I had my dday I was a SAHM. Alone time WAS very scary.

 

To answer Snowflower's question about whether I've been reading about infidelity and recovery from affairs, etc.... Yes. Tons. Books, articles and on-line research. Probably more than what's good for me, to be honest.

 

Some of the advice I've read makes sense....some of it doesn't. Trying to take what sounds good for me and leave the rest.

 

One thing I've got going for me is that I'm not afraid to leave him. My little business definitely won't support me, but I'll figure out how to make it if I have to.

 

It is never good to make any life changing decision out of fear, so it is good that you aren't afraid to leave.

 

Everyone - Appreciate your thoughts - and ((hugs)).

 

 

Chula it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. You will make the decisions that are best for you.

 

There is a book, Not Just Friends That has been recommended by several people on this site that might be helpful since your H doesn't recognize that he has been having an affair.

[Chula]

There is a book, Not Just Friends That has been recommended by several people on this site that might be helpful since your H doesn't recognize that he has been having an affair.

 

H actually does recognize that he was in an EA - and acknowledges the betrayal and the pain he has caused - he just didn't consider the EA to be "as bad" as a physical affair....but I'm thinking an EA with kissing, caressing and hugging, etc...is physical....just not naked. Am I wrong?

 

Phoenix - I read a book called "After the Affair" - pretty good. I haven't read the one you mentioned, tho. I will look for it.

 

H & I met with a counselor together yesterday. She helped H to identify his neediness for affirmation - which made him open to the OW's attention.

 

He also was able to talk about his frustration with why I am not "over it" yet. Related to the need for affirmation deal - he is no longer receiving affirmation from OW, but also not from me. His needs are not being met, and that makes him impatient for me to "heal".

 

I'm thinking about moving out for a few months. Feeling the need to be on my own - and letting H be on his own for a bit. We are coming to some common ground, but it feels like it will slip back to our old habits of being comfortable: I pack his lunch, he goes off to work, comes home to dinner, watches TV....very routine. You get the picture.

 

I'm thinking he needs the opportunity to win me back. Date me. Make me feel special and earn my trust again.

 

What do you think? Am I expecting too much? All thoughts welcome!

[Snowflower]

 

 

H & I met with a counselor together yesterday. She helped H to identify his neediness for affirmation - which made him open to the OW's attention.

 

He also was able to talk about his frustration with why I am not "over it" yet. Related to the need for affirmation deal - he is no longer receiving affirmation from OW, but also not from me. His needs are not being met, and that makes him impatient for me to "heal".

 

This all sounds like good feedback from the therapist.

 

It seems you-or more accurately your husband-has a problem. So he feels his needs aren't being met by you? Well, he needs to figure out how to meet his own needs and not look to you-or worse, the OW, to meet those needs.

 

This is an area of personal growth that your husband needs to work on alone.

I'm thinking about moving out for a few months. Feeling the need to be on my own - and letting H be on his own for a bit. We are coming to some common ground, but it feels like it will slip back to our old habits of being comfortable: I pack his lunch, he goes off to work, comes home to dinner, watches TV....very routine. You get the picture.

 

I'm thinking he needs the opportunity to win me back. Date me. Make me feel special and earn my trust again.

 

What do you think? Am I expecting too much? All thoughts welcome!

 

IMO, I think it is a great idea for the two of you to have some time apart. You have been through a lot and it sound like your H has some personal issues to work out.

 

If you do decide to separate, make sure you do a smart, planned separation with some ground rules that you both agree on at the beginning in terms of finances, dating others, timeframes, when will you see each other, communication, etc. I think there are some good books out there on the subject that you might want to check out.

 

My H and I were only separated about a week right after d-day and then we separated again for a few months in year two of our reconciliation. My story was very different than yours but based on my experience, time apart is a good thing after something as serious as infidelity.

 

Time and distance will give you a new perspective about the future of your marriage and (hopefully) the opportunity for your H to be a better man.

Edited March 2, 2011 by Snowflower

[heartbrokeninohio]

We’ve been together 30 years – married 28. I found out about my H’s affair this past September – after stumbling upon some emails on our home computer. Married female co-worker, just friends…blah, blah, blah - you know the story…anyway, he swore at the time there was nothing physical between them. Only one hug – which was supposed to be a good-bye hug because she was leaving to take a job someplace else.

He and I went on vacation for two weeks. OW was supposed to be gone by the time we got back. When we got back I found H and OW had talked on the phone almost every day we were gone. They had exchanged emails. I discovered the emails after we got back from this trip…..(turns out it was not my vacation – I was there, but they pretty much spent it with each other.) How stupid was I? Ugh.

I knew they were friends – they’ve worked in the same office for 15 years. They really were just friends until just before she was supposed to leave. And then the dynamics changed. She told him she’d had a crush on him for years. He flirted back…..and so it goes.

In October she still wasn’t gone…they had rescinded the job offer. By then he and I discussed the A to death – he answered every question I had. He admitted to the hug and some neck nuzzling, but no kissing and no sex. He said he was “in love” with her. I told him if he needed her to have joy in his life, then he needed to go be with her. But he couldn’t have me. Plain and simple. I wouldn’t beg him to stay.

He called it off with OW and told her that even though they loved each other, it wasn’t good for anyone. Neither one of them had any intention of leaving their marriage – this was just something “extra”. And now it was over.

Well, they stopped the touching but continued to meet in each other’s office to talk, exchanged emails and phone calls (during work hours) and often reiterated that, yes they loved each other, but it couldn’t be more than a friendship. That went on for another couple of months. In December he finally admitted to me that he and OW had kissed a few times, but not since September. It was definitely over – even the friendship. He said they agreed there would be no more casual contact, only what was needed for work purposes.

I figured we would be able to work through this – yes, he had betrayed me and I was devastated – but we’ve been together our whole adult lives, surely we would figure a way to be ok. He seems to be recommitting to me and our marriage. She had applied for another job and would be leaving – this time for real.

But…in January I discovered that he reached out to her in email after weeks of no contact. I confronted him about it - and he lied to me. Twice. And then admitted to it, but swore it was innocent contact. Wasn’t meant to start anything – just wanted to wish her well with the new job. Really? Then why lie about it? He said he was sorry, wrote OW an email saying he loved his wife and was going to give his marriage everything he had for the rest of his life and that they were to let the friendship go forever.

But it feels like too little, too late at this point. I feel like I’m done. I can hardly look at him. I think I’d rather be alone than continue to make this behavior ok for him. It’s hard to think about turning away from a 30 year relationship, but this hurts too much.

To me, this was more than an EA, but not quite the full-blown physical, sexual affair. In some ways the emotional attachment is harder to accept than the physical part. Not to, in any way, diminish what many of you have gone through with physical affairs – please don’t misunderstand – I don’t mean to make light of that. It’s just heartbreaking to know how hard it was for him to let her go.

Am I making too much of this? All thoughts and opinions are welcome…..thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this chula after 30 years in a relationship.

 

I was happily married and with a wonderful man but lost him to cancer almost 6 years ago.

 

I met someone who was also a young widower in his 40's and we had that same connection with our losses and lots of things in common.

 

I let him move into my home and that will be 4 years ago.

 

I overheard him and found out about him having an emotional affair last year with a high school girlfriend who dumped him and got pregnant by someone else in their teens.

 

she divorced who ever she married that got her pregnant and now was married to someone else somewhere in colorado.

 

I got up to go to the bathroom when I overhead him ending a drunken conversation with her at it must have been 3am...telling her he loved her always loved her etc.

 

I confronted him and told him if he was going to carry on this way he had to leave.

 

he swore up and down it was a first love thing and innocent etc nothing going on just a random phone call.

 

so we decided to work on our relationship.

 

Turns out shortly after that he's on the phone talking to a buddy in my very open concept home about this whole thing that went on including how she wanted to meet up to screw...but it was too late he's with me and she's married etc. and of course colorado is a long haul from ohio.

 

that caused more mistrust but atleast it was all out in the open and at that point it was over the calls etc.

 

scroll forward to me sitting here answering your post.

 

He normally takes a hobby fest trip this time of the year and its usually 2 days friday and saturday.

 

This year he left wed morning 8am but when gave him the printout of his hotel reservations the night before I got it and handed it to him but noted the amount 267.00....89 a night we are missing one night here for his final total.

 

I questioned that and he said he could only get that group rate for those days so I figured ok good enough...I'd put my faith and trust him.

 

I was helping him pack since to go to this he has a lot of stuff to take along with his clothing etc.

 

and I though aww I'll write him a cute I love you note and slip it in his bag.

 

so I open the side pocket to discover he had ed disfunction meds..cealis in there...why would he need this on a trip without me was my first major upset.

 

Oh I should have taken them out but i didn't and called him later to hope he had fun but there was no other reason for him to take those meds unless he planned on cheating.

 

He said...I can't talk now on the road I'll call you later.

 

3 days later he's still not called so I myself will say being alone is going to be far less stressful for me than trying to let him off the hook this time.

 

I can't sleep even with sleep meds and feel ill and I know in my heart I don't deserve this crap.

[KennyD]

I am here to talk if you would like. You gave me insight on my problems, I would like to return the favor.

 

30 years, hell of along time (I've only been alive 25!). I feel bad for you, I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Terrier]

 

Does anyone think it would help if I were to call the OW? Or has too much time passed? (She's been gone three weeks-still works in the same building as H, but different agency and different floor) I don't wish her ill and am not interested in getting in a bitch fight - I really just want to ask for her version of the A and if she's determined to maintain NC. Or should I just let that lie and consider it a non-issue at this point...?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I called one of the women he had an EA with.

 

It was therapeutic for me.

 

She confirmed what he had done (he periodically admitted then denied his dates with her).

 

She also admitted that if she were his wife she would have had a problem with their relationship.

 

She still works at the same place as he does but she won't speak to him outside of meetings, and snipes at him constantly.

 

Go for it. So long as you don't lose your composure, or say anything outrageous, you aren't doing anything wrong.

 

Maybe she will feel some shame and drop him.