xpaperxcutx Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 thanks for your response. he actually did ask for a second date with me, like 3 times. lol we just never had it. sometimes because of me. why would he tell me he connected with someone else. the only reason you do that is use it as a cop-out. so why didnt he cop out?! why would you tell someone that. i felt like saying "good. you should be dating other people. ive connected with like 3 other dudes since you but i didnt feel the need to tell you about it!" lol ugh. i am still back and forth about calling him back. i probably will.im not gonna lie. well see how i feel about it tomorrow lol Okay, so you omitted information that would have been quite helpful from the beginning. The problem is not you, but him. Why would anyone still date on the side if they're in a relationship? It's not a cop out, but it says alot about his character.
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Okay, so you omitted information that would have been quite helpful from the beginning. The problem is not you, but him. Why would anyone still date on the side if they're in a relationship? It's not a cop out, but it says alot about his character. wait. who said he was in a relationship. (im pretty sure that was included in my orig post) we are both on a dating site and he just said he went on a date with someone else this weekend. whats wrong with that? i honestly dont think either of us have any sort of problem. if anything, its a case of bad timing and/or misunderstanding. i dont care if he just wants sex from me. and in what world is just wanting to have sex with someone "bad" intentions. its only bad when the other wants more. i seriously dont think he is after that. we talked about that on our date. he said he was looking for more and i said i was too. HOWEVER, that doesnt mean i wont just settle for some good sex if he doesnt end up being what i want. we all need to get laid and i definitely dont enough! really would love some advice about how i should handle calling him back. dont tell me not to, because im going to lol.
heartshaped Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 OP, I would suggest one thing for you- don't act so over zealous and dramatic. If you call him back, he doesn't answer or respond, don't contact him again. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's too interested..but then, it seems you won't be satisfied until he tells you that himself without mincing words about it.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 thanks for your response. he actually did ask for a second date with me, like 3 times. lol we just never had it. sometimes because of me. why would he tell me he connected with someone else. the only reason you do that is use it as a cop-out. so why didnt he cop out?! why would you tell someone that. i felt like saying "good. you should be dating other people. ive connected with like 3 other dudes since you but i didnt feel the need to tell you about it!" lol ugh. i am still back and forth about calling him back. i probably will.im not gonna lie. well see how i feel about it tomorrow lol it's a cue that he's not looking for anything serious. not necessarily a cop-out but if you tell him you're not looking for anything serious (which you already did), it makes it easier for him to exit once things get serious. i actually dated someone similar but i was so confused as to what his motives were. we dated a couple of times, never got into sex (he insinuated having sex but when the situation presents itself, he backs out), continue telling me he likes me...but it didn't get anywhere. i quit reading into his actions and did not bother why he kept initiating contact when he's not getting anything from me. i found out he's dating a lot of women and possibly stringing me along for his narcissistic supply. he sends me random messages from time to time to suck me back in but i was tired of playing games. like someone said here, dates are supposed to be fun. some guys enjoy it if they have you wrapped around their finger.
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 OP, I would suggest one thing for you- don't act so over zealous and dramatic. If you call him back, he doesn't answer or respond, don't contact him again. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's too interested..but then, it seems you won't be satisfied until he tells you that himself without mincing words about it. he had every opportunity to tell me he wasnt interested, ESPECIALLY when I told him I was no longer interested in continuing this whole thing. whatever it is. Ive already tried to cut this off twice. and no, obviously i wont contact him again if he doesnt answer or respond to the call! why would i do that? yea, i was planning on just calling and letting him talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about. i wont act dramatic. im definitely not like that. im more of a listener than a talker by nature anyway. im also pretty soft spoken so i tend to not come across dramatic or anything. thats why im glad i laid it out for him in a text. im afraid i wouldnt be able to do that when talking. i choke up a lot.
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 it's a cue that he's not looking for anything serious. not necessarily a cop-out but if you tell him you're not looking for anything serious (which you already did), it makes it easier for him to exit once things get serious. i actually dated someone similar but i was so confused as to what his motives were. we dated a couple of times, never got into sex (he insinuated having sex but when the situation presents itself, he backs out), continue telling me he likes me...but it didn't get anywhere. i quit reading into his actions and did not bother why he kept initiating contact when he's not getting anything from me. i found out he's dating a lot of women and possibly stringing me along for his narcissistic supply. he sends me random messages from time to time to suck me back in but i was tired of playing games. Thanks tokyogal! refreshing to get a real response like this. I realize this behavior is typical of someone dating a lot of women. That's fine with me. I plan on keeping my options open as well. I just really enjoyed him and want to continue and see what happens. I dont mind the dating other women, just as long as we DO hang out. Yea, the stringing along is annoying when you never actually hang out! I dont blame you for backing out. I'll see what he wants from me and then reiterate how freaking chill i am and how he misjudged me! jeez, i just want to hang out. simple as that.he can talk all he wants.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 hi again wordgirl, you know what, if you really don't want him to think you're forcing something, just invite him out casually. set up a date, don't make it sound like you have to "talk." just go out and have a good time. if he doesn't bite, then he's just a tease, babe. don't invite him twice or you're gonna make yourself look desperate p.s. don't feel compelled to explain yourself to him if you just want to chill. a chill girl doesn't need all this stress only for a second date
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 hi again wordgirl, you know what, if you really don't want him to think you're forcing something, just invite him out casually. set up a date, don't make it sound like you have to "talk." just go out and have a good time. if he doesn't bite, then he's just a tease, babe. don't invite him twice or you're gonna make yourself look desperate p.s. don't feel compelled to explain yourself to him if you just want to chill. a chill girl doesn't need all this stress only for a second date I dont even think I'm gonna do any inviting. I tried that a couple of times already. He's the one that wanted to talk so I'm just gonna call him back to be courteous. I'll let him do most of the talking. Thanks
self-improvement Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 he had every opportunity to tell me he wasnt interested, ESPECIALLY when I told him I was no longer interested in continuing this whole thing. whatever it is. Ive already tried to cut this off twice. Why should he tell you he's not interested? You continuously keep on giving him your attention, even though you told him several times, you would stop. By now he's figured out that sending you just one fluffy message just before you get too upset with him keeps your interest going and his ego boosting. And calling you at 1 a.m.??? He was probably hoping for what actually happened, which was very convenient for him. He called you as promised (fulfilling his part of the 'deal'), but didn't have to talk to you (cuz honestly, if u don't know someone's habits yet, you expect them to be asleep at 1 a.m.) and the ball was back in you court. In general he isn't commiting to anything and always hands over the responsibility of setting up a date to you. Why doesn't he ever set up time and location for a date and always says "Let's talk later about our next date." instead??? If he can't find time in his schedule for a date now, what makes you think he'll find time a few days later? And as mentioned earlier, he knows by now you'll always get back to him. Put's him in a real comfortable position, if you ask me. If you want my recommendation: you're chasing a carrot on a stick and you have to drop the stick.
musemaj11 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Don't listen to the ice queens. You weren't chasing at all. Nevertheless, this guy seems too much drama and disrespectful. You should move on.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I gotta stop reading these online dating threads, it's going to make me feel even worse of what I might have to go back to if my GF ever dumps me... This makes me really dread going back to online dating at any point in my life.
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Why should he tell you he's not interested? You continuously keep on giving him your attention, even though you told him several times, you would stop. By now he's figured out that sending you just one fluffy message just before you get too upset with him keeps your interest going and his ego boosting. And calling you at 1 a.m.??? He was probably hoping for what actually happened, which was very convenient for him. He called you as promised (fulfilling his part of the 'deal'), but didn't have to talk to you (cuz honestly, if u don't know someone's habits yet, you expect them to be asleep at 1 a.m.) and the ball was back in you court. In general he isn't commiting to anything and always hands over the responsibility of setting up a date to you. Why doesn't he ever set up time and location for a date and always says "Let's talk later about our next date." instead??? If he can't find time in his schedule for a date now, what makes you think he'll find time a few days later? And as mentioned earlier, he knows by now you'll always get back to him. Put's him in a real comfortable position, if you ask me. If you want my recommendation: you're chasing a carrot on a stick and you have to drop the stick. Wow. you guys really need to make sure you read the entire post before giving such definite answers. I TOLD HIM TO CALL ME LATE. HE KNOWS MY SCHEDULE. I really shouldnt have even mentioned the 1:30 am call. It's clouding everything and is completely superfluous to the story. Also, at this point, we've gone on ONE DATE. My issue with this guy at first was wondering if he had any interest AT ALL. Not, is he interested in entering a long-term relationship with me? Hell, I don't even decide that until after date #5 or something. So yes, he's being flakey. This doesnt necessarily determine his personality and how he would act after date 2. My ex acted WORSE than this and he ended up dating me and proposing to me 3 years later. He was a GREAT boyfriend (there are other reasons why we broke up) How much interest can one have after one date anyway. If I hadnt been off for 3 weeks, I wouldnt have been in any rush to hang out with him that fast either. We are both "Whichever way the wind blows" type people. I just gave him the wrong impression by being eager to hang out in those specific 3 weeks because now that im working, i dont have a day off for another month. He didnt know this until I told him the other day. Then he called. Do you think theres ANY chance that he was just like "Oh snap! I had no idea. Wow. ok. I definitely misjudged her. Let me call so I can leave a message telling her that I'd like to reconsider and set up a time for us to meet and talk". No, of course not. So many of us are conditioned by society and pop culture to believe most men are sleazy hoes and not to be trusted. That if a guy doesn;t call you within 3 days of a date, hes "just not that into you". That if a guy just wants sex, "DROP HIM GIRLFRIEND YOU CAN DO BETTER!" While yes, some of these rules and beliefs should and could be followed, a lot of them condition women to RUIN good relationships with their repetitive negative thinking. In this specific case, its so early on in the game that we cannot judge this guy's nature at all. All we can speculate is if he has any interest at all. IN ANYTHING. A guy only wanting to sleep with a girl and not ready to date is not a BAD GUY. There have been plenty of guys that I just wanted to sleep with and not date. Does that make the woman "bad"? This is getting so ridiculous. Thank you to the well thought out, non-biased, rational answers, negative or positive. Very interesting and helpful to say the least. I still havent called him. I probably will today and I still have no idea what I'm going to say...
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Don't listen to the ice queens. You weren't chasing at all. Nevertheless, this guy seems too much drama and disrespectful. You should move on. again. I don't see where the disrespect is. Am I disrespectful right now since I havent called him back in 2 days?
Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I gotta stop reading these online dating threads, it's going to make me feel even worse of what I might have to go back to if my GF ever dumps me... This makes me really dread going back to online dating at any point in my life. Yeah, why are you reading dating forums if you're in a relationship? *scratching head* I could see if you come here and offer advice to people but why post something in this girl's thread just to say that this makes you dread dating again if you ever have to?? I don't get it. Anyway, to the OP, something like this happened to me before and I realized that if the guy was that interested in seeing me, he would initiate the date, because I had let him know I was interested and had even tried to initiate a date (and got the same run-around half-answers you're getting). It's clearly either his way to say without saying that he's just not that interested, or, he is keeping you on a string... either way, you deserve better girl. You deserve a guy who is chasing you (not necessarily saying you're chasing him... just that he's not chasing you and there's that whole thing about guys wanting to be the hunter and stuff, or whatever ), and who is taking time out of his life to communicate with you and set up dates with you. I'm sure this guy isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread, there are better guys out there. I say just drop all communication and if anything that might pique his interest to come pursue you... but, really, if it were me, I'd be thinking, "You didn't want to see me when I was interested, so now, I'm just not interested... I've moved on", but then again, I hate game-playing... to me you sent all the right signals and tried for what you wanted and he did not do the same. He did not initiate, plan and follow through on a date with you when he could have, so, phooey on him, on to the next guy! He will soon be just a speck of dust in your rearview mirror, if even that. I promise!!!
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Yeah, why are you reading dating forums if you're in a relationship? *scratching head* I could see if you come here and offer advice to people but why post something in this girl's thread just to say that this makes you dread dating again if you ever have to?? I don't get it. Anyway, to the OP, something like this happened to me before and I realized that if the guy was that interested in seeing me, he would initiate the date, because I had let him know I was interested and had even tried to initiate a date (and got the same run-around half-answers you're getting). It's clearly either his way to say without saying that he's just not that interested, or, he is keeping you on a string... either way, you deserve better girl. You deserve a guy who is chasing you (not necessarily saying you're chasing him... just that he's not chasing you and there's that whole thing about guys wanting to be the hunter and stuff, or whatever ), and who is taking time out of his life to communicate with you and set up dates with you. I'm sure this guy isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread, there are better guys out there. I say just drop all communication and if anything that might pique his interest to come pursue you... but, really, if it were me, I'd be thinking, "You didn't want to see me when I was interested, so now, I'm just not interested... I've moved on", but then again, I hate game-playing... to me you sent all the right signals and tried for what you wanted and he did not do the same. He did not initiate, plan and follow through on a date with you when he could have, so, phooey on him, on to the next guy! He will soon be just a speck of dust in your rearview mirror, if even that. I promise!!! thanks star bright. I am really not going to even think much more about him. I will return his call, though. cant hurt. he actually did try to set up a specific date with me before I went to Rome. He asked me what I was doing on a specific night and if I wanted to go out. I told him I couldnt cause I was going to Rome for 10 days. He told me to contact him when I got back. I did and he was still into seeing me, asking me what I was doing on a specific night. Id tell him I wasnt sure yet but to call me then. Then, he wouldnt call and I would send a text being like "ok dude, this is just not gonna work. sorry" and he would be like "no no no. i like you. i want to see you. im sorry. its just work" So yea. its not like this guy's been running away from me and not giving me straight answers. hes actually been the most communicative, honest guy I've ever met.
Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 thanks star bright. I am really not going to even think much more about him. I will return his call, though. cant hurt. he actually did try to set up a specific date with me before I went to Rome. He asked me what I was doing on a specific night and if I wanted to go out. I told him I couldnt cause I was going to Rome for 10 days. He told me to contact him when I got back. I did and he was still into seeing me, asking me what I was doing on a specific night. Id tell him I wasnt sure yet but to call me then. Then, he wouldnt call and I would send a text being like "ok dude, this is just not gonna work. sorry" and he would be like "no no no. i like you. i want to see you. im sorry. its just work" So yea. its not like this guy's been running away from me and not giving me straight answers. hes actually been the most communicative, honest guy I've ever met. Okay, then, never mind, he isn't the one not trying hard enough. HE asked you out on a specific date and you said you didn't know what you were doing that night and to call you on that night?? That indicates zero lack of interest, let alone respect. You expected him to just wait around with that night open and hope you could go out at the last-minute?? Wow. No wonder he isn't trying very hard anymore. I had completely misread the situation, sorry. I have no idea idea why you would tell him that if you were actually interested in seeing him. And then complain that now he isn't seeing you. Wow. That is just mind-boggling, unless I'm missing something (again).
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Okay, then, never mind, he isn't the one not trying hard enough. HE asked you out on a specific date and you said you didn't know what you were doing that night and to call you on that night?? That indicates zero lack of interest, let alone respect. You expected him to just wait around with that night open and hope you could go out at the last-minute?? Wow. No wonder he isn't trying very hard anymore. I had completely misread the situation, sorry. I have no idea idea why you would tell him that if you were actually interested in seeing him. And then complain that now he isn't seeing you. Wow. That is just mind-boggling, unless I'm missing something (again). i told him i wasnt sure what i was doing and to call me? whats so weird about that? i dont know what im doing on a specific night a week from now. who does? i didnt say i wasnt interested in seeing him. i told him i WAS interested in seeing him. I assumed he would set up a date if he were interested. After all, its CHASING if I set up a date, right???? that's what everyone seems to think. So I didnt. I told him to give me a call that night. I dont see how thats so mind-boggling. Two people talk about hanging out on a specific night, and then one of the people calls them that day. isnt that how life works? im 30 years old. that's how life has always worked for me. is this a joke?
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 i told him i wasnt sure what i was doing and to call me? whats so weird about that? i dont know what im doing on a specific night a week from now. who does? i didnt say i wasnt interested in seeing him. i told him i WAS interested in seeing him. I assumed he would set up a date if he were interested. After all, its CHASING if I set up a date, right???? that's what everyone seems to think. So I didnt. I told him to give me a call that night. I dont see how thats so mind-boggling. Two people talk about hanging out on a specific night, and then one of the people calls them that day. isnt that how life works? im 30 years old. that's how life has always worked for me. is this a joke? oh, and the other time I was going to Italy. I cant help that. He said to contact him when I get back and i did.
Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 i told him i wasnt sure what i was doing and to call me? whats so weird about that? i dont know what im doing on a specific night a week from now. who does? i didnt say i wasnt interested in seeing him. i told him i WAS interested in seeing him. I assumed he would set up a date if he were interested. After all, its CHASING if I set up a date, right???? that's what everyone seems to think. So I didnt. I told him to give me a call that night. I dont see how thats so mind-boggling. Two people talk about hanging out on a specific night, and then one of the people calls them that day. isnt that how life works? im 30 years old. that's how life has always worked for me. is this a joke? Let me make sure I understand what you're saying. Basically he said, "Are you free on Thursday night a week from now for us to go out?" and you said, "I'm not sure, call me on Thursday night and we'll see?" If so, then yes, that boggles my mind. If not, then I'm sorry, I misunderstood what you meant.
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Let me make sure I understand what you're saying. Basically he said, "Are you free on Thursday night a week from now for us to go out?" and you said, "I'm not sure, call me on Thursday night and we'll see?" If so, then yes, that boggles my mind. If not, then I'm sorry, I misunderstood what you meant. pretty much. too be exact it was more like "Are you doing anything next Wed?" I said "I dunno. Dont think so. Give me a call" I dont know about you but thats usually followed up with the person calling next Wed. How is that weird?
Star_Bright Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 pretty much. too be exact it was more like "Are you doing anything next Wed?" I said "I dunno. Dont think so. Give me a call" I dont know about you but thats usually followed up with the person calling next Wed. How is that weird? To me, it's not how things are normally done (I'm 30 -- all while amost all of my being-single-and-dating experience has come recently, I've had a lot of it lately). And honestly it sounds rather rude, because now you're expecting him to wait and see if you're free the night he tried to ask you on a date for? Usually if you want to see a guy you guys set up a date (ideally the guy initiates I guess, but whatever -- here he DID try to initiate it, by asking if you were free that night, but you didn't completely respond). So he's supposed to just hold his calendar open on that day and wait and see if you're available, without having made any pre-set plans? No no no. To me, the very definition of a "date" is that you set an exact "date" -- time, place, plans. I guess you and I just do everything backwards?? Look, I'm not trying to be mean to you, I just don't understand what you're complaining about. To me, he took your "I think so, give me a call" as a lack of interest on your part, because if you were interested in seeing him, you would have made sure you could get together with him on that day he suggested, or suggested another one yourself if you are were already busy. But to say "I think so" is like, "Oh, something might come up, like having to get my nails done, so give me a call and see if I'm free, or not." To me anyway and I would be really interested to see what other people think because I'm pretty sure the way I see it working (set up a confirmed date) is the norm in dating-world, and if not, wow, I've been doing it all backwards, ha ha. (I very possibly could be... seems like I just float around doing my own thing and not really knowing or caring about the games or the rules. Still, I'm pretty sure the rules say you help him set up the date in advance and not make him wait around to call you on the day he's asked to see you.
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 To me, it's not how things are normally done (I'm 30 -- all while amost all of my being-single-and-dating experience has come recently, I've had a lot of it lately). And honestly it sounds rather rude, because now you're expecting him to wait and see if you're free the night he tried to ask you on a date for? Usually if you want to see a guy you guys set up a date (ideally the guy initiates I guess, but whatever -- here he DID try to initiate it, by asking if you were free that night, but you didn't completely respond). So he's supposed to just hold his calendar open on that day and wait and see if you're available, without having made any pre-set plans? No no no. To me, the very definition of a "date" is that you set an exact "date" -- time, place, plans. I guess you and I just do everything backwards?? Look, I'm not trying to be mean to you, I just don't understand what you're complaining about. To me, he took your "I think so, give me a call" as a lack of interest on your part, because if you were interested in seeing him, you would have made sure you could get together with him on that day he suggested, or suggested another one yourself if you are were already busy. But to say "I think so" is like, "Oh, something might come up, like having to get my nails done, so give me a call and see if I'm free, or not." To me anyway and I would be really interested to see what other people think because I'm pretty sure the way I see it working (set up a confirmed date) is the norm in dating-world, and if not, wow, I've been doing it all backwards, ha ha. (I very possibly could be... seems like I just float around doing my own thing and not really knowing or caring about the games or the rules. Still, I'm pretty sure the rules say you help him set up the date in advance and not make him wait around to call you on the day he's asked to see you. Hey Star Bright - I do see where youre coming from. However, that exchange of words was followed by me making an attempt to hang out with him and showing extreme interest in seeing him. It wasnt like a "meh - i dunno. try me" type of thing. It was more of a "Yea that sounds good. I dont think Im doing anything" - trust me, it came out as more of a yes, tone-wise. But all that aside - I called him. Left a great message saying that I was sorry I hadnt returned his call and that I started work already and its already crazy. That I didnt really think we needed to talk or anything. That I simply liked him and thought we could be good for each other and keep it casual - since I didnt really havde time for a relationship right now. I told him I wasnt sure when Id be avail next since I dont know til the last minute but that whenever he was free, he could call if he wanted. I kind of put a period on it....or at least a comma. IMMEDIATELY, he texted saying - "Hey! So sorry I couldnt answer. Im at work. Listened to your msg though. Maybe we can talk tomorrow. When are you free next?" I guess thats cool and answers my question about his interest. I just dont know why he keeps wanting to "Talk"!!! lol aaaaaah cant we just hang out!? My roommate suggested that he probably uses "talk" loosely and just means he wants to connect/hang out...whatever. not actually have a discussion. We'll see what happens. Thanks for all of your concern and input.
ReadyforLove Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) Did you call him back? Sorry if I missed that update... Ok just saw your update. You are quite optimistic which is great. I hope everything works out for you. Edited February 24, 2011 by ReadyforLove
Author wordgirl81 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Did you call him back? Sorry if I missed that update... Ok just saw your update. You are quite optimistic which is great. I hope everything works out for you. Yup. see the end of the post right above yours
Alma Mobley Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Just so you know, if someone asks you out for a specific day and you tell him, "I don't know what I'm doing, give me a call that day and we'll see" it sounds as though you are waiting to see if something better comes along, and if it doesn't, you'll go on a date with him. This is probably why he appears low interest... because YOU are appearing low interest.
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