Guy making a second date way too complicated!

[wordgirl81]

Hi All!

 

Hoping to get some insight on this!

 

I joined a dating site (for fun - i was going to start a blog/experiment but I ended up realizing the guys were actually pretty cool and my type) ...went out on some dates... etc....

 

Went out with this guy over a month ago. We're both busy animators and tv editors and we bonded over that. i was about to have off between gigs for about a month and had plans to travel....and also hopefully have some fun dating while i had the time!

 

hit it off with him. he was into me. kissed me, held my hand while we took a walk. made no second date plans but it was obvious we would have one. i had no worries after this date. he texted me the next morning saying he had a lot of fun and a funny comment about being hungover. (we had a lot of wine!) i was busy in my last few days at work so i didnt respond for hours..when i had time to breathe and look at my phone. i told him i had fun too and thanks for checking up on me once again, no worries about this guy. i knew id see him. wasnt stressing.

 

a week had gone by and i didnt hear from him. i dont chase, but i figured id throw a nice text out to him inviting him to a gallery exhibit i was going to the following night. he never responded. i let another week go by and at this point i was off from work and still going on other dates. i figured he wasnt interested at this point and i just sent him a text with somehting along the lines of "hey i liked you and i would have really liked to hang out again. i guess you did not feel the same. take care and good luck." (i know that was probably a stupid move but oh well - i didnt care and he got off scott-free!

 

2 days later i got a text from him apologizing for not being responsive - blaming it on work and saying he would definitely love to hang out. he asked me what my next week's plans were, as he was busy the rest of the week. i told him i was going to be in Italy for a week or so. he said ok cool let me know when u get back in town.

 

2 weeks go by and i text him saying i was back and asked how his weekend was looking and if he could hang out. he never responded. i let a few days go by and then i sent a quick. ok im a little confused - if youre not interested, no big deal just give me some common courtesy" he responded immediately with a "no no no please dont think im not interested! im so sorry. i really do like you and would love to hang out. my life is so hard to coordinate....i hate my job blah blah. he asks me what im doing the following week. i said i would be around but preferably before wednesday as i start my new gig and would probably not be too available. he said "ok great, lets chat again on sunday and figure it out" the weekend goes by and sunday goes by and i hear nothing.

 

Monday i send another "ok dude you could have copped out many times by now. this is becoming way too complicated. im moving on" type text (i didnt actually say that but thats what it basically said"

 

he responded yesterday (tues) saying this:

 

"hey there. im so sorry i havent responded. i actually ended up connecting with someone over the weekend. its too soon to be serious, but i wanted to let you know. i like you but it seems like you need someone more available and im not sure i can be that. let me know what your thoughts are on this."

 

i wrote back saying i hate texting and id rather talk. he said ok cool, lets talk later tonight. then i said "ugh i dont want to be that girl. i dont want to make a big deal. let me clarify. i then told him in one long text that i wasnt looking for anything super serious right away. i just liked him and wanted to hang out again. i was sorry if he misunderstood me and felt pressured. im not that girl. i was just FINALLY off from work and had time to date. i knew once i started work again id have a schedule just like his and not have much time. so if i seemed over-eager to get together, that was why. i told him i liked him because he wasnt smothering like a lot of guys i meet and he would understand my schedule. he ended up thinking i was the complete opposite type of girl. i said "lets get together tonight. it would be silly if we didnt. i dont want to make a big deal. lets just hang out and have fun]" he said "ok cool. it might be late but ill call you when i get out of work" i said. late is perfect as im tied up all day.

 

he called me at 1:30 AM!!! this morning. i was sleeping so i didnt get the msg til i woke up. it was cheerful. "hey (my name), its (him). sorry so late but i just got out of work. i guess youre sleeping??...well, give me a call tomorrow to talk or set up a time to talk. sweet dreams"

 

i havent called him back. i dont know whether to just leave it and forget him. that's my first instinct. then again, i might be throwing away a chance?

 

ive been dating for a looong time and ive never had this scenario happen. help!

[oaks]

It sounds like he's interested but only when his other girls are busy.

[blackmagik]

Don't waste your time. If he can't respond now, what makes you think he is worth of committing if things do get serious.

[wordgirl81]

Don't waste your time. If he can't respond now, what makes you think he is worth of committing if things do get serious.

 

totally agree. but the issue right now is he has responded, this time by phone call (a first) and suggesting we "set up a time to talk".

[wordgirl81]

It sounds like he's interested but only when his other girls are busy.

 

meh. maybe. he doesnt scream "player" like a lot of the other guys i go out with. doesnt seem like the type.

 

 

should i call back?

Edited February 23, 2011 by wordgirl81

[jane100]

i think you've done a huge amount of the running (nearly all of it, from the beginning, unless i've misunderstood).

 

if i were you (but i'm not!) i would just sit back and do nothing - or better yet get on with your life and meeting other people, or whatever you want to do.

 

i think the difficulty here is - you've met him, you liked him, you had a good time and you want him!!

 

however, we cannot "make" people want us back, which is of course very inconvenient .

 

now he's told you he's met someone as well (urghh!!).

 

sometimes things do get complicated between first and second dates, especially when holidays intervene, but i think at some point you need to let him signal his REAL interest by asking you out.

[xpaperxcutx]

You've listed it all but let me reiterate his lack of courtesy ( in responding) and lack of respect ( in calling you at 1 in the morning) are all grounds for dismissal. Don't lower your standards no matter how much you think you may like this guy.

[t0ri]

Sounds like WAY too much work to get things started between you two. If he was truly interested, it wouldn't be that complicated and he'd make time, or at least respond to your messages more quickly.

 

I'd move on. Good luck!

[ReadyforLove]

You said you don't want to chase but that's exactly what you're doing. He probably has a gf or is juggling a bunch of different women. Oh well, it's his loss!

[wordgirl81]

You said you don't want to chase but that's exactly what you're doing. He probably has a gf or is juggling a bunch of different women. Oh well, it's his loss!

 

I dont think Im chasing at all actually. The only times ive contacted him were when he asked me to. i.e when i returned from Italy. It's so confusing. how is it disrespectful by calling me at 1am? he told me he may call me late and if that was ok. i told him the later the better. he knows i am used to working off hours and i am usually awake at that time. i just happened to be asleep which was unusual.

 

the problem is that the ball is now in my court. what could he possibly want to "talk" about. i just want to be casual! grr!

 

i want to ignore him and not call back, but part of me is curious to know what he wants to talk about. why would someone not interested want to "Talk"? when i made it clear that he can walk away from this situation easily if he chooses.

[daphne]

I dont think Im chasing at all actually.

 

Then you're not seeing what I believe most everyone who's responded on here is seeing. You are chasing him pretty hard. If that's your style, then go with it.

 

However, I have no idea how you can't see that this guy has a fairly mediocre interest level in you and wants to see you if he has nothing else more pressing going on. Is that really what you want for yourself?

 

This is too much work for a second date. Why bother?

[ReadyforLove]

You are definitely chasing!

 

You don't see a problem with him calling at 130 a.m. but to most women, that is disrespectful and signs of a man wanting a booty call. But since you are after something casual I guess that doesn't really matter (?)

 

He did leave a voicemail so you should be courteous enough to return the call (if you feel like it). But don't be surprised if he doesn't answer or returns your call a week later...

[wordgirl81]

Then you're not seeing what I believe most everyone who's responded on here is seeing. You are chasing him pretty hard. If that's your style, then go with it.

 

However, I have no idea how you can't see that this guy has a fairly mediocre interest level in you and wants to see you if he has nothing else more pressing going on. Is that really what you want for yourself?

 

This is too much work for a second date. Why bother?

 

 

I guess I can see where you are coming from. However....I dunno. I've always seen chasing as when the guy doesnt respond at all. This guy has been instigating me and telling me to call, then when I do he doesnt respond so in my mind I move on....then he eventually does respond. He doesnt have to respond at all. Also, I don't know about you guys but a guy who isn't interested in a girl sure as hell doesnt call her to "set up a time to talk" lol. He'd want to avoid talking and hashing out the situation at all costs. We went on one date. He doesn't owe me a "talk" at all. I keep telling him I could take him or leave him basically and he wants to "talk". You guys are all hung up on me not settling for being second best or whatnot. Yes, thats COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE to feel that way if you are dating a man. Not when you both are playing the field. We both should be dating other people. Who puts all their eggs in one basket after one date? I think I'd be creeped out if he did and only wanted to date me after one date. I have 2 dates lined up for just this weekend. Dates are dates.

 

So yes, hes being complicated because he misunderstood me this whole time because i was eager to hang out. He now knows it was only because it was the only 3 weeks I could hang out because I will soon be working 120 hour weeks. Now that I clarified that, he wants to "talk". Im starting to think his game playing was because of a huge misunderstanding and he was just being human.

 

i made up my mind and will probably give it another day or so and call him back.

 

so im changing my issue now to "what should i say? how should i handle the phone conversation".

 

thanks you guys!

[wordgirl81]

You are definitely chasing!

 

You don't see a problem with him calling at 130 a.m. but to most women, that is disrespectful and signs of a man wanting a booty call. But since you are after something casual I guess that doesn't really matter (?)

 

 

yes, normally. ive been in those situations. in this case he knows i work nights and am on an off schedule. i also told him the later the better. so he was just listening to what i told him. he also wasnt calling to get together. he was calling to "talk"

[SincereOnlineGuy]

While I'll admit that you have cause to be tempted, IF you were the true-to-yourself person you want to be, you'd just let this guy drift away just because he doesn't show you the respect you deserve.

 

IF indeed he is totally crazy about you, then this should be the point at which he is dotting every i and crossing every t to at least get into your pants.

 

The fact he isn't even doing that much really doesn't say anything favorable about the prospects here.

[wordgirl81]

While I'll admit that you have cause to be tempted, IF you were the true-to-yourself person you want to be, you'd just let this guy drift away just because he doesn't show you the respect you deserve.

 

IF indeed he is totally crazy about you, then this should be the point at which he is dotting every i and crossing every t to at least get into your pants.

 

The fact he isn't even doing that much really doesn't say anything favorable about the prospects here.

 

well, yea. because im pretty sure he didnt just want to get in my pants. he made it pretty clear on our first date that he was interested in dating me. AND, yea, he wouldve tried that by now. which would have been fine. if hes not dating material, i can at least get some sex out of it!

[xpaperxcutx]

I dont think Im chasing at all actually. The only times ive contacted him were when he asked me to. i.e when i returned from Italy. It's so confusing. how is it disrespectful by calling me at 1am? he told me he may call me late and if that was ok. i told him the later the better. he knows i am used to working off hours and i am usually awake at that time. i just happened to be asleep which was unusual.

 

the problem is that the ball is now in my court. what could he possibly want to "talk" about. i just want to be casual! grr!

 

i want to ignore him and not call back, but part of me is curious to know what he wants to talk about. why would someone not interested want to "Talk"? when i made it clear that he can walk away from this situation easily if he chooses.

You really need to reeducate yourself on the meaning of " chasing". Chasing is when you go after someone who has little to no interest in you and, and half the time, the more you go after them, the more they run.

 

I guess I can see where you are coming from. However....I dunno. I've always seen chasing as when the guy doesnt respond at all. This guy has been instigating me and telling me to call, then when I do he doesnt respond so in my mind I move on....then he eventually does respond. He doesnt have to respond at all. Also, I don't know about you guys but a guy who isn't interested in a girl sure as hell doesnt call her to "set up a time to talk" lol. He'd want to avoid talking and hashing out the situation at all costs. We went on one date. He doesn't owe me a "talk" at all. I keep telling him I could take him or leave him basically and he wants to "talk". You guys are all hung up on me not settling for being second best or whatnot. Yes, thats COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE to feel that way if you are dating a man. Not when you both are playing the field. We both should be dating other people. Who puts all their eggs in one basket after one date? I think I'd be creeped out if he did and only wanted to date me after one date. I have 2 dates lined up for just this weekend. Dates are dates.

 

So yes, hes being complicated because he misunderstood me this whole time because i was eager to hang out. He now knows it was only because it was the only 3 weeks I could hang out because I will soon be working 120 hour weeks. Now that I clarified that, he wants to "talk". Im starting to think his game playing was because of a huge misunderstanding and he was just being human.

 

i made up my mind and will probably give it another day or so and call him back.

 

so im changing my issue now to "what should i say? how should i handle the phone conversation".

 

thanks you guys!

 

 

Him wanting to talk doesn't equate to having the " talk". For all you know, you guys would be having a time filler conversation mixed in with a little flirting. I think you're jumping to conclusions about his expectations of you. If you can get a better perspective, you're making him think very little of you and undermining the kind of respect you deserve.

 

well, yea. because im pretty sure he didnt just want to get in my pants. he made it pretty clear on our first date that he was interested in dating me. AND, yea, he wouldve tried that by now. which would have been fine. if hes not dating material, i can at least get some sex out of it!

 

Doesn't this sentence contradict his current actions? He hasn't made a second date and he has been extremely wishy-washy.

[blackmagik]

well, yea. because im pretty sure he didnt just want to get in my pants. he made it pretty clear on our first date that he was interested in dating me. AND, yea, he wouldve tried that by now. which would have been fine. if hes not dating material, i can at least get some sex out of it!

 

I would have to still agree with the consensus. This guy is all over the place. Even for casual dating he is a complete waste of time. If you are stressed about it even the slightest and you have JUST started dating its very ridiculous. Dating is suppose to be fun, not a chore.

[wordgirl81]

yes, papercut, I know what chasing means. I just dont see how im "going after" him. he wont go away. he always responds, usually with a "what are you up to next week? i answer. he responds, then doesnt follow up....then eventually responds trying to get together again...one time i was going to Rome so i wasnt avail. then he said to let him know when i get back. So...I did. Chasing would be if he never responded and I kept texting him. there has been no chasing. its been pretty much 50/50 with me maaaaybe being a little more eager to just do it already, as i would be going back to work soon. id given up on him twice, where then hed always eventually respond asking me to hang out.

 

 

and yes, lol....i know he doesnt want to have "the" talk. the fact that he wants to talk at all is odd if he supposedly isnt interested. as far as im concerned, hes been in this "game" a little too long for a guy who isnt interested....especially when i basically told him to F*** off on more or less words TWICE. Uninterested people do the following:

 

either

a. dont respond to text messages, disappearing.

 

or

 

b. make up a lie (or could be true) that theyre seeing someone or "arent interested in dating anyone right now" and wish you luck....getting away with being the good guy and leaving the door open.

 

uninterested people dont ever want to talk about anything regarding whats going on between the two of you. they ESPECIALLY arent the ones who want to initiate the talking. lol

 

you see what i mean?

 

now, aside from all that. how should i handle the phone conversation? I feel like I'd like to let him do the talking and just let him know i feel like this is getting too serious for what i want and that im only looking for something casual - i'll also have to tell him that i wont have time to get together for at least 3 weeks. he had a whole freakin month to see me, sleep with me....whatevr he wanted to do!

[wordgirl81]

I would have to still agree with the consensus. This guy is all over the place. Even for casual dating he is a complete waste of time. If you are stressed about it even the slightest and you have JUST started dating its very ridiculous. Dating is suppose to be fun, not a chore.

 

 

Youre right. That's why this is annoying. Its supposed to be fun and thats all I want to have with him. I guess he didnt realize that at first.

 

And Im actually not stressed about it in the least. Just thought it'd be fun and interesting to get some perspective about it.

[xpaperxcutx]

yes, papercut, I know what chasing means. I just dont see how im "going after" him. he wont go away. he always responds, usually with a "what are you up to next week? i answer. he responds, then doesnt follow up....then eventually responds trying to get together again...one time i was going to Rome so i wasnt avail. then he said to let him know when i get back. So...I did. Chasing would be if he never responded and I kept texting him. there has been no chasing. its been pretty much 50/50 with me maaaaybe being a little more eager to just do it already, as i would be going back to work soon. id given up on him twice, where then hed always eventually respond asking me to hang out.

 

 

and yes, lol....i know he doesnt want to have "the" talk. the fact that he wants to talk at all is odd if he supposedly isnt interested. as far as im concerned, hes been in this "game" a little too long for a guy who isnt interested....especially when i basically told him to F*** off on more or less words TWICE. Uninterested people do the following:

 

either

a. dont respond to text messages, disappearing.

 

or

 

b. make up a lie (or could be true) that theyre seeing someone or "arent interested in dating anyone right now" and wish you luck....getting away with being the good guy and leaving the door open.

 

uninterested people dont ever want to talk about anything regarding whats going on between the two of you. they ESPECIALLY arent the ones who want to initiate the talking. lol

 

you see what i mean?

 

now, aside from all that. how should i handle the phone conversation? I feel like I'd like to let him do the talking and just let him know i feel like this is getting too serious for what i want and that im only looking for something casual - i'll also have to tell him that i wont have time to get together for at least 3 weeks. he had a whole freakin month to see me, sleep with me....whatevr he wanted to do!

 

You're not getting the point. You are chasing him if he had no intentions of making a proper second date. You say he's not going away, but you also seem to have the habit of making him come back. You're the one in control here, and anything you say otherwise isn't going to lay the blame off of you. You're capable of telling him to go away, but because you still willingly talk to him, you're the one perpetuating his behaviour. Now do you get it?

 

Even if you're looking for something casual, I doubt seeing and eventually sleeping with him would make you feel any better. It's not even about the game, it's the fact that you have no respect for your own personal self-worth. It's your own personal choice if you plan to play " game' with someone who will probably not mind tapping some random ass. Subsequently, if you allow yourself to be that random ass, you have no right to complain about his behaviour.

[kalikula]

Nooooooooo

 

You keep giving him a last chance and he keeps finally responding just enough to keep you on his radar in case things don't work out with other girls he's seeing.

 

He never asked for a second date with you, AND THEN he told you he connected with someone else.

 

He's just not feeling it. You need to move on and find someone who is actually interested in you.

 

Do not talk to him at all or pick up if he calls. Just let it die. If you send him one last text he will just keep making excuses to turn you into a booty call or something.

[wordgirl81]

You're not getting the point. You are chasing him if he had no intentions of making a proper second date. You say he's not going away, but you also seem to have the habit of making him come back. You're the one in control here, and anything you say otherwise isn't going to lay the blame off of you. You're capable of telling him to go away, but because you still willingly talk to him, you're the one perpetuating his behaviour. Now do you get it?

 

Even if you're looking for something casual, I doubt seeing and eventually sleeping with him would make you feel any better. It's not even about the game, it's the fact that you have no respect for your own personal self-worth. It's your own personal choice if you plan to play " game' with someone who will probably not mind tapping some random ass. Subsequently, if you allow yourself to be that random ass, you have no right to complain about his behaviour.

 

How does anyone know what his intentions were? If he had no intention of making a second date, he couldve copped out. he had plenty of opportunities, without even looking like a dick. why'd he stay in touch with me for so long. i made it clear that i could take him or leave him.

 

 

I was absolutely perpetuating his behavior. I know this. When did I say I wasn't? I also gave him an EASY out. Who responds when theyre not interested? (when I say interested, i mean interested in anything at all with the person)

 

i also know i have no right to complain about his behavior. im not even necessarily saying that how he has been behaving is "wrong" per say. Im just confused by it. Not really sure what he is trying to do. Not sure how I should handle the phone conversation. I know it could make it or break it.

 

Plus, why are you guys attacking me? Im just trying to get some advice on how to proceed with this guy. some say i shouldnt at all. thats cool. i can see where theyre coming from. i probably wont , except to return the phone call.

 

you guys are stressing out and putting way too much emphasis on the self-respect thing. i dont even see how that has anything to do with this situation. you guys are either understanding it wrong or reading way too much into it. im trying to NOT read into it and try to see it more black and white, so to speak.

[wordgirl81]

Nooooooooo

 

You keep giving him a last chance and he keeps finally responding just enough to keep you on his radar in case things don't work out with other girls he's seeing.

 

He never asked for a second date with you, AND THEN he told you he connected with someone else.

 

He's just not feeling it. You need to move on and find someone who is actually interested in you.

 

Do not talk to him at all or pick up if he calls. Just let it die. If you send him one last text he will just keep making excuses to turn you into a booty call or something.

 

 

thanks for your response. he actually did ask for a second date with me, like 3 times. lol we just never had it. sometimes because of me.

 

why would he tell me he connected with someone else. the only reason you do that is use it as a cop-out. so why didnt he cop out?! why would you tell someone that. i felt like saying "good. you should be dating other people. ive connected with like 3 other dudes since you but i didnt feel the need to tell you about it!" lol

 

ugh. i am still back and forth about calling him back. i probably will.im not gonna lie. well see how i feel about it tomorrow lol

[xpaperxcutx]

How does anyone know what his intentions were? If he had no intention of making a second date, he couldve copped out. he had plenty of opportunities, without even looking like a dick. why'd he stay in touch with me for so long. i made it clear that i could take him or leave him.

 

 

I was absolutely perpetuating his behavior. I know this. When did I say I wasn't? I also gave him an EASY out. Who responds when theyre not interested? (when I say interested, i mean interested in anything at all with the person)

 

i also know i have no right to complain about his behavior. im not even necessarily saying that how he has been behaving is "wrong" per say. Im just confused by it. Not really sure what he is trying to do. Not sure how I should handle the phone conversation. I know it could make it or break it.

 

Plus, why are you guys attacking me? Im just trying to get some advice on how to proceed with this guy. some say i shouldnt at all. thats cool. i can see where theyre coming from. i probably wont , except to return the phone call.

 

you guys are stressing out and putting way too much emphasis on the self-respect thing. i dont even see how that has anything to do with this situation. you guys are either understanding it wrong or reading way too much into it. im trying to NOT read into it and try to see it more black and white, so to speak.

 

I sincerely hope you're joking. If you are not aware, guys only date for 2 reasons- relationship or sex. Since he's not after a relationship, he's certainly after sex. If you're going to play naive and think a guy has any other motives, then the next -probable- reason is that he wants to be " friends" with you.....

 

Really, OP, not stressed out, but you need to open up your eyes if you're thinking this guy has good intentions. It's one thing to be tolerant, it's another when you know you're being played and you're just sitting there allowing it to happen.

 

If you really want to see things black and white, first learn to set rules. Self-respect is no laughing matter especially if you want a guy to see your worth and not be taken advantaged of.

 

Know how much you're willing to tolerate in regards to another person's behaviour and indiscretons and when to truly walk away. Like this guy's behaviour, if he's not setting a second date and is playing hot and cold the very next thing you can and should do is walk away. That's black and white.