myheartsagun Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 So my boyfriend and I just started dating about three months ago. We met in school and didn't hit it off until we really started talking at the end of the semester. Everything is really great. He is an amazing person and I have fallen for him hard. We are both divorced, I have two children and he has his roommate who acts like a kid. I spend as much time as I can with him and he does the same for me. My daughters think that he is awesome, though they have only met him a handful of times. He treats me the way that I have always wanted to be treated. I don't think I could be more in love than this. However, about a week ago we were laying in bed and he asked me if I liked dolphins. A weird question, I thought. And I said, um, yes? He then said that he had gotten me a necklace that he wanted to give to me.Then he gave me this necklace that I would never pick out for myself, but I thought, hey...it's the thought that counts and if he spent the time picking this out for me, then I will wear it for him. However, I didn't really feel right about it. It doesn't seem like if he really knew me like I know he does, this would be something that he would buy for me...so over the week I asked him a couple of questions like...where did you get it? in which he said online from amazon. and then I asked..when? and he said that it came a little over a week ago right before valentine's day. I still felt uneasy. So today, being a nosey **** like I am, I decided to google it. I wanted to see if it was available on amazon like he said and then I could put my mind at ease. Come to find out, it WAS available on amazon like over a YEAR AGO. this was after his divorce and when he started dating someone new. this wasn't bought for me. they don't even sell it online anymore...anywhere! I don't know how I feel about this. It's not like it was a holiday or anything...we had already celebrated Valentine's day. So, how should I feel about this? I just feel like if he could lie about something this small, what else can he lie to me about?
Ay Diesel T Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Gifts that have been passed on are just as meaningful as a brand new one. I'm having an issue seeing what the problem is, the only difference in an older (used) gift and a brand new one is that he actually spends money for the brand new one. Yeah, he could've been honest about it, maybe he was. Does he know that these kind of things irk you? Are you a material girl? What made you go search for it on google? Wanted to see how much is cost?
glimmer Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Maybe he got it on ebay? But yeah it seems like such a unique gift that is a little odd to give you. My ex boyfriend once gave me a necklace that he said he got in (other country where he was from). His last trip was about 4 months before he met me. All sorts of things went through my head. Obviously it was bought for either a future girlfriend or someone in his mind at the time. I struggled with calling him out on it, but I chose to see the meaning in him giving it to ME! Afterall, it was me he was with not anyone else. Try to move past this, but keep your eye out for other lying which is the more troublesome thing here.
Lucky_One Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 You are angry because he gave you something that you ONLY believe he bought for someone else because you can't find where you can buy it currently online? You know, maybe he DID buy it for someone else, but why in the world would you automatically assume that he is lying? Maybe Amazon sold out of it (because they have a buttload of dolphin jewelry on there now), maybe it was on clearance and was the last one? Amazon doesn't list the things that are sold last year, even. Honestly, I would end things with him now. If you are this distrustful when you truly have no proof or reason to think he bought it for someone else, then you aren't going to trust him when a REAL issue comes up. I mean, really - do you expect him to say "Yeah, I bought this for some other girl, and I am tired of seeing in my drawer, so I thought I would palm it off on you." Isn't the thought that he THOUGHT of you at all enough?
blackmagik Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I can totally see where she is coming from. It isn't that it is a material item, its the fact that he had someone else in mind when he bought it - that didn't work out so he regifted it. I think the major problem here is that he lied about it. I wouldn't personally ever regift a gift meant for a previous girlfriend. I always put a lot of thought into my gifts and it wouldn't feel right giving something that was meant for someone else. Lying about the small things is a bad sign. I always say that small things are really the things that matter. They happen everyday and really speak to someones true self.
glimmer Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 If you had said NO, that you do not like dolphins, I wonder if he would have kept quiet and just thought he'd do something else with the necklace. Eeeek :/ Yeah, the more I think about the moment he asked about it, the more I can see how you'd be uneasy. A person who goes out of their way to buy you a dolphin necklace isn't going to ask you if you like dolphins AFTER he bought the gift. Wouldn't that be something very specific he'd have to think of before buying it for you? Geeez. Not very smart. The good thing is that if he lies again it'll be very obvious given how this one played out. If he lies about anything else within the next couple weeks, you really need to kick this one to the curb. Sorry.
Fondue Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I REALLY don't see how this is a problem. How can you just not enjoy the fact that he got something for you? Regardless of whether or not he bought it prior to meeting you. Not to mention you now poked around really dug deep to try and get to the bottom of this. Not only did you ruin it for yourself, but you're also putting your BF in bad spotlight for yourself. That's definitely not adding anything positive toward the relationship or the feelings you have for this man.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I REALLY don't see how this is a problem. How can you just not enjoy the fact that he got something for you? Regardless of whether or not he bought it prior to meeting you. Not to mention you now poked around really dug deep to try and get to the bottom of this. Not only did you ruin it for yourself, but you're also putting your BF in bad spotlight for yourself. That's definitely not adding anything positive toward the relationship or the feelings you have for this man. Right, so lying about the origin of a gift and the original intentions of whom he bought it for is something that should be overlooked? I would never regift anything to an SO and lied that I bought it for them when I orginally didn't. It's deceiving to both her and the relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 He lied. In my book, any lie is a huge red flag. I have found that people who lie to you about small things tend to have less of a problem lying to you about big things. So for me, it's automatic grounds for dumping.
Fondue Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Right, so lying about the origin of a gift and the original intentions of whom he bought it for is something that should be overlooked? I would never regift anything to an SO and lied that I bought it for them when I orginally didn't. It's deceiving to both her and the relationship. You're attaching a significance on an item purely based on the fact that it is "wrong" to regift something that was "meant" for someone else. His previous relationship didn't work out, that sucks for him. He wanted to make someone else feel HAPPY and gave it to them. You're somehow upset by this. He's making a good gesture and genuinely trying to give someone something. But for some odd reason, you're all finding a flaw in all this. Look at it in an OBJECTIVE point of view. He wants to give her a gift, she's somehow worked up about it. Sure he lied, but what would you expect? "Oh yah, this was for my previous woman. But now it's for you." Think about how this comes across. Instead, he simply avoided it and gave it to her. But for some reason, she dug a hole for herself by looking into it.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Women are pretty unforgiving, at least the ones on these boards. OP, what if he hadn't lied about the gift, and still gave it to you? Would the issue still stand? Before you listen to these, some single, bitter women, try to find out why he lied about it. He may be scared that you're materialistic, as most women are, and would be pissed about him re-gifting a gift for you. Allow me to share, that re-gifting isn't so bad, and it can have a ton of thought behind it. A couple years ago my ex and I, were still in the honeymoon stages of our relationship. I was going back home to Mass to see my family, and she was extremely down and out about it. Back then I used to wear this really pretty gold rope (looks intertwined like a rope as well) necklace with a gold Scorpion hanging from it. My grandma gave it to me over a decade ago. I gave this necklace to my girlfriend, more or less as a gift, for her to remember and think of me, when I wasn't around. She loved it. Until we broke up, she wore it almost everyday. And she was a total materialistic bitch. Re-gifting doesn't have to be as bad as people make it out to be.
Author myheartsagun Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 I don't care that he gave me something he bought two years ago. It could've been something he bought fifteen years ago. I just cared that he lied to me. I wasn't searching to see how much it cost. He could've gotten it out of a quarter machine and given it to me. I am not materialistic at all. He gave it to me at an odd time. The way he said it was weird too. It was out of character which is why I questioned it in the first place. I have been lied to by previous partners and been completely manipulated. I talked to him about it, he said that he did buy a similar necklace for a girl a while ago but he found this one on ebay for me and he gave it to me. I just didn't want to be lied to because from my experiences when someone is okay with lying to you about little things, they are okay with lying to you about bigger things. I don't want to put my heart into something for years and find out it was all based on lies. I did that once, and now I'm a divorced single mom with two kids. I never doubted him before because I know how hurt he has been. No one wants to be lied to. I may have been wrong for doing some digging to find out more about this necklace, but I felt the need to listen to my instincts. I was looking more for advice, not harsh criticism for googling a necklace.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 You're attaching a significance on an item purely based on the fact that it is "wrong" to regift something that was "meant" for someone else. His previous relationship didn't work out, that sucks for him. He wanted to make someone else feel HAPPY and gave it to them. You're somehow upset by this. He's making a good gesture and genuinely trying to give someone something. But for some odd reason, you're all finding a flaw in all this. Look at it in an OBJECTIVE point of view. He wants to give her a gift, she's somehow worked up about it. Sure he lied, but what would you expect? "Oh yah, this was for my previous woman. But now it's for you." Think about how this comes across. Instead, he simply avoided it and gave it to her. But for some reason, she dug a hole for herself by looking into it. Exactly and his actions proved it. I'm not giving him beef for regifting ( if this was a necklace that was in his mother's possession, I doubt it would be a problem) it was the bf's need to deceive that's raising red flags here. There are ways to make people feel happy and special without the need to lie. Nothing comes out of it except mistrust.
blackmagik Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Women are pretty unforgiving, at least the ones on these boards. OP, what if he hadn't lied about the gift, and still gave it to you? Would the issue still stand? Before you listen to these, some single, bitter women, try to find out why he lied about it. He may be scared that you're materialistic, as most women are, and would be pissed about him re-gifting a gift for you. Allow me to share, that re-gifting isn't so bad, and it can have a ton of thought behind it. A couple years ago my ex and I, were still in the honeymoon stages of our relationship. I was going back home to Mass to see my family, and she was extremely down and out about it. Back then I used to wear this really pretty gold rope (looks intertwined like a rope as well) necklace with a gold Scorpion hanging from it. My grandma gave it to me over a decade ago. I gave this necklace to my girlfriend, more or less as a gift, for her to remember and think of me, when I wasn't around. She loved it. Until we broke up, she wore it almost everyday. And she was a total materialistic bitch. Re-gifting doesn't have to be as bad as people make it out to be. Your regifting is completely different though. You gave her a gift that was something that you cherished and meant a lot to you. So when you girl got it was like, "I really like this, but I want you to remember me so you can have it". This is more of like.. " So i spent this money on this other girl, but she wont know, here have this". So ADT's gift although regifted had meaning and thought, the OPs gift did not have the thought of her.
Author myheartsagun Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 I did dig a hole for myself. I wish I hadn't. He's amazing and I know this is something small. I just needed some insight because my mom is typically horrible to talk to about relationships. I'm just afraid of losing him over something insignificant and I tend to be self destructive when it comes to relationships. I just shouldn't have gone looking. I just don't want to be lied to. And you're right, may be he did buy it for another girl...he could've not wanted to give it to her because it never worked out. And, he held on to it to give to someone he thought deserved it...if that were the case..I understand. That would be awkward to tell someone new. I don't mind the re-gifting...I just want to know the real story behind this necklace...not a made up one because he's trying to make me feel better. I am a lot smarter than that.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Women are pretty unforgiving, at least the ones on these boards. If we're unforgiving about lying, it's because we've forgiven liars in the past and then been lied to again. And it always gets worse. Once someone knows they can tell you little lies, they usually get bolder and start telling you bigger lies. Lying is a character flaw, one that damages the trust that is essential for a healthy relationship of any kind.
Stung Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Women are pretty unforgiving, at least the ones on these boards. OP, what if he hadn't lied about the gift, and still gave it to you? Would the issue still stand? Before you listen to these, some single, bitter women, try to find out why he lied about it. He may be scared that you're materialistic, as most women are, and would be pissed about him re-gifting a gift for you. Allow me to share, that re-gifting isn't so bad, and it can have a ton of thought behind it. A couple years ago my ex and I, were still in the honeymoon stages of our relationship. I was going back home to Mass to see my family, and she was extremely down and out about it. Back then I used to wear this really pretty gold rope (looks intertwined like a rope as well) necklace with a gold Scorpion hanging from it. My grandma gave it to me over a decade ago. I gave this necklace to my girlfriend, more or less as a gift, for her to remember and think of me, when I wasn't around. She loved it. Until we broke up, she wore it almost everyday. And she was a total materialistic bitch. Re-gifting doesn't have to be as bad as people make it out to be. You're really, really missing the point here. It's not about money and materialism, it's about sentiment and intention. A token from a beloved relative, left to remember you by--that's sentimental, and romantic, and thoughtful. Of course your girlfriend loved it. I doubt anyone here would complain about that kind of "regift," most wouldn't even consider that a regifting situation except as a technicality. Going out and buying something intended for one lover, putting thought and effort into what would compliment THEIR personality, then keeping the gift instead and later giving it to a new lover instead as some kind of afterthought "Oh, hey, maybe she'll like it, too" --that is totally different, it's the opposite of sentimental, romantic and thoughtful. While there are of course golddiggers in the world who evaluate gifts solely on their financial merit, there are many, many women in the world who are resolutely NOT gold diggers who would still perceive that as a personal slight. Beyond that, the bigger issue would be the lies. That being said, I think tracking this necklace down on Amazon is a little over the top and I wonder if the conclusions reached are far-fetched. Amazon sellers run out and restock all the time, and many sell used items. It's entirely possible that he bought it secondhand from a private seller listed on Amazon, isn't it? OP, you have no actual proof that he lied to you or that he bought the necklace a year ago for somebody else. Maybe a little benefit of the doubt is in order here?
Ay Diesel T Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 The boyfriend meant well, so what's the big deal here? Dude isn't trying to slight the OP, so why does she feel that way? Why make a big deal out of something small?
Lilmisus Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 The boyfriend meant well, so what's the big deal here? Dude isn't trying to slight the OP, so why does she feel that way? Why make a big deal out of something small? Lying is never something "small" regardless of what it was about, or what the intention was. The OP asked a few times where the necklace came from, and her boyfriend seemingly lied about it. Did he for sure? I don't know, none of us can really know for sure if he did or not, but we can only assume he did since when she looked it up, nothing backed up his story. Personally, I'd be upset too if I were in her shoes. I mean, how would you feel if your girlfriend bought her ex a watch, they broke up before she could give it to him, and so she decided to give it to you? It's something that he would have liked, but you..not so much. There's no thought for you there, just the goal of getting the gift off their hands and into the hands of someone else so that they don't need to keep it in the closet, collecting dust anymore. Now it can't be said for sure that he bought it for an ex either, that's just what the OP is assuming here. I say that since she is so unsettled by the gift, that she should confront her boyfriend about it. Don't just say "I know that you didn't just buy this, I know it was for another woman, don't keep lying to me!" More along the lines of sitting him down and telling him that you don't feel like he was being honest about where it came from and when he bought it. Tell him that although it's cute, it doesn't seem like he really picked it out for you in mind since it's not something you'd pick for yourself and you have given no indication that you're a dolphin-lovin' kinda girl. And the that thought has been unsettling you, and you just want some sort of reassurance that you have nothing to worry about. Hopefully he'll just tell the truth about where it came from. Like I said, lying is never okay, regardless of what the lie is intending to do or achieve.
SingVoice Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 This is a really tricky situation. I can totally understand the OP's feelings. If on the off-chance he IS telling the truth...if you bring it up to him then you sound like a crazy person for snooping around. My question is...what if when you asked him where he got it he said "well I got this like a year ago but never gave it to anyone." Would that have been any better? Probably not. I absolutely think lying is wrong...but I think you either have 3 options. 1. Talk to him about it...even though it will basically show him that you don't trust him. 2. Let it go. If he really is as AMAZING as you say...then let it go. 3. Dump him.
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