NG85 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 It's been about 3-4 months since the break-up, and once I found out she began dating some almost immediately thereafter, I felt like I had been replaced and was miserable and couldn't think of anything else but winning her back. But after several periods of NC or LC, I learned to deal with it and was ready to see other people and was okay with being single and her being with a new guy. But recently I've had this weird gnawing feeling about it. We've been on good terms, and speak briefly maybe once or twice a week, although for a while she just wouldn't shut up about her boyfriend, almost like she was rubbing it in my face. Well her birthday was a few weeks ago and I called her up just to say hello. The conversation went fine and there was no mention of the boyfriend. Then last week she sent me an IM and we talked about books and what I did the past weekend. Once again very civil, and I ended it when I had to go to bed. The next day she was going on a road trip to her old neighborhood where I would visit her every weekend when we were together and where I was, I suppose, THE person in her life. I figured that's cool, she's going to see her old friends. She began texting me periodically throughout the weekend, telling me little things like she was in a store we used to go to, or that she saw my favorite beer at a store, or that there was an ad for an interesting exhibit at some museum. The city, at least for me, was just filled with memories involving only her, and I wonder if it's the same for her, since she kept letting me know about all these things that reminded her of me. Well, I later found out through Facebook that her boyfriend went with her on the road trip, and was at her house when she was IMing me the night before they left. Still, for the first time in a while, she never brought him up or mentioned that he was going with her when she spoke to me (It used to just be "Boyfriendboyfriendboyfriend" ad nauseum when we would speak - Is the Honeymoon Period over?). This got me wondering, since she didn't mention him being there and she was texting me more than usual. Was he cool with her texting me? Or was she doing it behind his back? If it was the former, does this make me friend-zoned? When we dated she would absolutely flip **** if I spoke with an ex, or even if an ex contacted me first. So why is it okay for her to contact me when she's away with her boyfriend? And lastly, I know that everyone here will say "Go NC", but I've done that before and it kind of makes things awkward. But when we go through periods where we do talk and are friendly, I feel more comfortable, as does she, and I think having comfort is very important when it comes to attraction. In addition, I've been working on my personality and working on getting fit, in order to make myself more attractive in general. So, would it hurt if I stayed friendly and was in more contact with her than, say, once a week? Or should I stick to the current LC? Is she keeping me on the backburner? Or, am I friend-zoned? Why all the trip updates if she didn't care about me? Why no mention of the boyfriend being with her?
aerogurl87 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I don't know your girlfriend, but either she misses you or you're her back up plan. I'm not sure though because I don't know her. So here's a question, did she say at any point in time that she could not just be friends with you? I ask because my ex told me that and whenever him and I have tried to be friends it turns into him falling for me all over again. In fact just last night he texted me "hey babe" which was odd. Anyway, like I said I don't know her so I can't say for sure. Also she probably is doing this behind her boyfriend's back. Some girls like attention when they feel they aren't getting enough from their primary source (boyfriend, husband, etc.) and then try to get more elsewhere. Since she probably senses you like her still, you're a prime candidate. And she probably didn't mention her boyfriend because she knew that would upset you and you might not respond to her as much.
fiat500 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 NG, you should do whatever you feel is right to you. her not mentioning the boyfriend is weird. don't get your hopes up though and don't allow her to have too much cake
0hpenelope Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Mmm... to answer your question directly, I don't think so.
Author NG85 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Aerogurl - She said when we split that she still wanted to be friends, and since the split was mutual and not messy at all, I figured it'd work. But we never really did anything to keep in touch regularly or to be close to one another, although she has initiated most of the contact. We spoke on the phone a little while ago and things got a bit awkward, so I said I had to go. She then asked me not to, and said she missed me and that it was weird not talking as much, since she had considered me her best friend while we were dating. Her father also talks about me still, and he really liked me, and she said it makes her feel like crap whenever he brings me up - Either it means she could regret dumping me, or her dad is giving her crap for dumping me. I do wonder if the Honeymoon is coming to a close. For a while it seemed like her boyfriend was Mr. Perfect, who could do no wrong. But you bring up a good point, is he not giving her the attention she needs? Is she looking to me for attention? Factor in the fact that this guy lives several states away from her, which is quite a distance, which could also be causing issues. Throughout our relationship, I'll admit that I was the more distant one. I loved her, but it seemed like she loved me much more. The break-up ended up being really hard on me, to the point that 4 months later I'm still moaning about it, so I figured it'd be really hard for her to deal with. She began seriously dating this guy immediately after we broke up, which probably didn't give her enough time to heal properly, especially if she was more into what we had than I was. Personally, I tried going on dates right after we broke up, but I still couldn't get my mind off my ex, and I just came off as desperate and trying to fill a void with these new girls. I think that's what she's going through - I really doubt my ex, being a very sensitive girl, allowed herself to heal in a healthy way. Fiat - I've healed a lot since the break-up, so maybe I'll keep in more contact. In our relationship we spoke constantly, so maybe talking a bit more often will help me get into her mind more. It always seems like there's so many rules as to how to approach relationships, though, so I don't know if that'd be a mistake.
aerogurl87 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Oh well if she wanted to be friends, then yeah she's just using you for attention or as a back up plan. If she wanted more it would be pretty obvious with her saying and doing things that showed she wanted more. With my ex it was him on the verge of tears at the thought of me moving away and never hearing from me again and him telling me plainly that the "just friends" thing would not and will not work. So yeah I'd have to say unfortunately that she's using you.
Author NG85 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Yeah, I wonder if I'm grasping at straws here - Although, I've been thinking about it, and I can't actually remember if she outright said she wanted to be friends or if she implied it. But either way it was evident that she wanted me in her life in some capacity - She's been making most of the effort to getting in touch. It's just making me wonder - I was visiting her one weekend when she saw on Facebook an ex-girlfriend posted on my wall, asking how I was doing. She saw this and didn't speak to me the rest of the night, even though I never replied back to this old ex and proved I hadn't been in contact with her for X amount of time. Hell, she'd even get jealous or mad if any girl, period, tried talking to me. So it's really weird that she's been talking to me through texts, phone calls, IMs, and Skype when she has a boyfriend and seemingly has this "No talking to exes policy". Oddly enough, two of our longest post-break-up conversations happened when she was spending time with her new guy... Once again, probably grasping at straws...
JimmyB26 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 My ex gf texted me all the time after she broke it off in April '09. I chalk it up to immaturity (she was 21, I was 29): 1. She went to see the new guy in Florida for the 4th of July weekend and I went to see a new girl in Miami the same weekend, and she knew I went to see the new girl. Before each of us left, she texted me late at night asking me if she could stop by on her way home and "give me a hug". Weird, but ok...I let her. She texted me a picture of her posing in a bikini kissy-face while on the trip, with the new guy. Luckily the girl I was visiting never saw it. I went back and forth between thinking she was so pathetic it was funny and being furious at her for it, and I called her on it when we both got back into town. 2. Every time I started to distance myself from the ex and take a few hours to respond to her text, or not jump at the chance to see her, she'd start to panic and fear loss/abandonment. Loss of control, in actuality. 3. When I finally got tired of the "friends" nonsense with for a while by August and really wanted to focus on my own dating life - and man was I having fun, as a teaching assistant bedding college girls, hehe - I put her in stone cold NC, and she tried everything. Texts, voicemails serenading me, she even sent me a long "thank you" card - all while she was with this dude in Florida. My buddy took one look at this card and was like, "If I caught my girl writing this to an ex, I'd be out the door in a second." 4. I got every text joke forwarded to me that the new guy sent to her. Some funny, most of it though was really offensive. 5. We met for drinks at a bar in November, trying to be genuine friends. Her phone was out on the table. She'd just gotten through telling me she was meeting this kid's family over Thanksgiving. The phone rings and it's the new guy, I could see it from my seat. She looked at the phone, then looked at me. I waited for her to pick up the call, but she let it go to voicemail while staring at me with this sick little smile on her face. 6. In early December I got two text jokes featuring the n-word. Not something I ever really want to hear from anyone, let alone a girl I once thought was attractive. I called her on it, telling her politely to stop sending me those jokes or stop using that word. Her response, "No need to get offended, they're just forwards". Meaning it was MY choice to be offended or not. She hadn't done anything wrong, in her mind. After that, I was a pariah. Until my birthday, when I got a "Happy belated birthday" text. The most important lessons that this whole long process taught me: 1. As I got farther and farther away from the relationship, and had more and more fun with more and more other women, she grew more and more concerned with making sure I still thought she was special. In reality, I had better sex and more fun with girls with less issues. 2. She showed me her true colors once I held her at arms length: she turned into a game-playing, control-seeking, manipulative, immature, and jealous freak who treated people like props and didn't really possess any unique qualities that haven't been matched by people I've met since. 3. Most importantly, she showed me what it was like to be in a relationship with her. I began to ask myself who she was sending racy pictures to and playing texting games with when she was with ME. Then I asked myself why I'd ever want to be with someone who behaved this way with an ex up to eight months later while in a new relationship.
Author NG85 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Hey Jimmy, thank you very much for your story! It's an interesting point of view, and shows that probably what all of our exes are doing in their current relationship is what they did in past relationships - Namely, if they're talking to us now, they were probably talking to exes while we were with them. Thinking back on it, my ex would stay in touch with her last ex, but it was mostly out of pity. Once they broke up he remained blissfully unemployed, got very depressed, was prone to bouts of anger, was extremely lazy and unmotivated in life, and gained about 100 pounds. Definitely not attractive qualities. Once she and I broke up, I looked back at what she told me about her ex, and I tried to do the opposite by advancing my career, getting in shape, and working on being positive. It could be that she's contacting me out of pity, but she's said before that she's proud of all this progress I've been making - And most of it was stuff she was bugging me about before we broke up, and I wonder if she could be feeling regret. Another thing of note, she would talk about her new guy a lot, but in 4 months she's never asked me if I'm seeing anyone - I'm waiting or her to bring it up. I have been seeing people, and in fact I've gotten lots of girls' numbers and been hit on more than I ever have in my life, but I don't want to mention any of this unless she brings it up. I wonder if she's upset at that possibility. Once again, grasping at straws. As of now I'm not seeing her as more than a back-up plan. Although every once in a while I do start to miss her, but I also can't help but think of all things she did to drive me crazy.
JimmyB26 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 She told me that she had told the new guy that "we'd dated but it didn't work out" and we were friends. Somehow, I doubt he got the play-by-play of all of the interactions she and I had. For instance, when I asked her about that picture, I asked repeatedly if he'd known that she'd sent it to me, and she repeatedly dodged answering it. Lies of omission were a tactic she frequently used. This was a long distance relationship for her, and I'm willing to bet that the new guy put up with her behavior not because - as she claimed - "he's not the jealous type", but because he probably felt he was batting so far out of his league that if he put his foot down she'd ditch. The most shocking thing to me is that with the full knowledge of the new guy, she told me that she'd occasionally let another long-time heterosexual male friend whom she'd once dated sleep in her bed with her. Fine while she's single, but when she's monogamous with someone, even early on in the first couple months, that's testing what she can get away with and what the level of respect needs to be. I began to feel sorry for the new guy as she was able to be charming enough to keep him focused on her while she was at a distance, but every time she visited, reinforce that infatuation that he felt for her. Based on all of her games and nonsense, though, I'm quite sure that real intimacy would scare the crap out of her.
aerogurl87 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Hey Jimmy, thank you very much for your story! It's an interesting point of view, and shows that probably what all of our exes are doing in their current relationship is what they did in past relationships - Namely, if they're talking to us now, they were probably talking to exes while we were with them. I can't agree with this. There has only been one ex that I have purposefully kept in contact with and that's my ex boyfriend who still wants me back. Every other one, we broke up and I moved forward not even taking one glance back. But there is something about him that I cannot let go of. Maybe it's cause the sex was awesome, I dunno. But my point is, that although this is probably true in most cases, it's not always the same in ALL cases. Do you suspect she was talking to exes when you two were together and keeping her options open, sort to speak?
Author NG85 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 I can't agree with this. There has only been one ex that I have purposefully kept in contact with and that's my ex boyfriend who still wants me back. Every other one, we broke up and I moved forward not even taking one glance back. But there is something about him that I cannot let go of. Maybe it's cause the sex was awesome, I dunno. But my point is, that although this is probably true in most cases, it's not always the same in ALL cases. Do you suspect she was talking to exes when you two were together and keeping her options open, sort to speak? I know she was still in contact with one ex, who I mentioned before, but that was quite a while after they split up. They were together for about 2 years and had lived together, so I think they had a deeper connection than her other exes. But like I mentioned, when they broke up he let himself go and she said it was more out of pity than anything else. From what I can tell, all of her past break-ups were very rocky and left a lot of emotional damage. But with us, it was pretty easy. We both needed space, and figured that breaking up was the right thing to do. Aside from one fight about it, I'd say we've been on good terms, although it's been slightly awkward (Limited contact, talking about superficial stuff, her bringing up her new guy, mixed signals, etc.).
JimmyB26 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Aerogurl - you're in touch with an exboyfriend who wants you back because the sex was good? With all the threads on this forum about good guys either trying to move on or struggling to move on with their exes contacting them out of selfish needs, it's kind of insulting to see how you're selfishly in touch with an ex who you don't seem to want back just because the sex is good. Have you ever given any consideration to HIS feelings or attempts to move on?
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