professorTR Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Hello All, I haven't posted on here in quite a while, but I've been reading posts on here daily. Here's my story. My live-in gf dumped me after a 13 month relationship. She indicated that she wasn't happy and needed space to think. i gave it to her, at least at first. On Feb 4th I left for Florida for a 4 day golf vacation. My first night there, she sent me a Facebook message announcing that she would be moving out and that she didn't want any wordy pleas, begging, etc. When I got back to PA I stayed with my parents, respecting her space and letting her think about her decision. I then got a text telling me to make sure I transfer utilites, etc. She then said she was going back to NC and to leave her alone. I kind of lost it here. I drove over to the house because I just had to talk to her. When I got there I noticed that several items had been moved out. I asked her for another chance, etc. and I ended up acting so crazy that my best friend took me to the hospital for a few days. A few days after I got out of the hospital we had an email exchange. I'd sent her messages telling her what I was planning on working on, etc. She wrote back to me that I need to not think about a relationship right now and to focus on myself. She said we would talk down the road. That was 11 days ago. I have no idea where she is living right now or what she is doing and I'm trying not to think about it. Did I mention she wanted me to focus on myself? I say this because she's had issues with trusting me (at times, i didn't make it easier) and hid a program on my phone that would send copies of all my texts to her email. I think this is still going on. I mentioned to my friend in a text that at least pics of us were still up on her facebook page. The next day they were all gone without a trace. If she is spying on me, what message is she sending? Is it "there's no chance for us ever," or "you're not focusing on yourself like you need to do"? I get needy and clingy...and I'm working on it in therapy. All I want from her is a chance to, after time has passed, attempt to try again. With it seeming like she's one step ahead of me (FB pics), I've been more tempted to contact her. It is so hard to leave it alone, but I know it's my only chance and that I need to focus on me. There are still items of hers that are here at the house, and she did say she wanted to leave the door open because, quite frankly, we both needed space to work out our issues. I'm struggling with the uncertainty. I have to give it time...I know that. But it is so hard. Please help me. Please help me stick to no contact. I hold out hope, but I don't want to be more crushed later. I think space and time apart can help our relationship...but I feel I'm being erased. I guess to be truly separated though, removing little reminders is a good thing?
tommy.is.my.name Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I feel you bro. You're not alone. I've been reading through all these threads and have found some insight I would not have developed on my own. My ex is in Europe till July doing god knows what with god knows who. I think the best thing to do is not use your Facebook account at all. If it means deactivating it then so be it. I can assure you that you will not like what you see. Even if its nothing your mind right now will run amok and become your worst enemy. Just know that for now you are not alone. When I finally get the courage to write my story you will see how detrimental Facebook can be to those who are extricated from the lives of those they love. Don't sweat the pics of you two being gone. Their absence from Facebook doesn't erase the reality of your memories being true.
0hpenelope Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 OP, you don't have to be told by your ex what to do. That's... man, something about that rubs me the wrong way. Having to hear personal advice from an ex that you're not over? My ex did that to me and all it made me feel was "I want to punch you in the face." Really, your ex has no right to tell you what to do anymore - and the fact that I think she did that out of pity just makes me more irritated for you. I don't even know why! Oh gosh, maybe I'm just projecting. Sometimes a relationship ending triggers underlying issues and I think if you work on these, you will feel much better about yourself. It's been said that if you don't feel good about yourself, you will express those things in the relationship. If you're hurting, you will hurt others too. It's a neverending cycle unless you stop it and you will find it difficult to be content in anything. For myself, I'm finally enjoying watching TV and laughing at shows. I love comedies. I still suffer my setbacks from time to time (like today, although it wasn't as bad as it was compared to last week's setback) and from the get-go, I haven't counted the days since I last spoke to my ex. I don't want to because I learned from a different relationship that keeping tabs like that slows down my healing. I'm in therapy too, and I'm going to identify with my counselor my problems once and for all. Do things that are good for you. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel for her, but eventually, recognize that you'll have to make a decision to not think of her. I did this in the first two weeks of my break-up and then one day, in the middle of that exercise, I told myself "Man, f*ck this. Why am I still thinking of him in this manner?" I stopped worrying about what he was doing, who he was with, who he was talking to, etc. faster than I anticipated. I'm dealing with it step by step and you will too, in your own way and at your own pace. Just know that for now you are not alone. When I finally get the courage to write my story you will see how detrimental Facebook can be to those who are extricated from the lives of those they love. Hope to read it soon. I'm one of the users that revisits threads because I believe that there are other things I can learn from them. Don't be afraid to share.
Author professorTR Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks for the suggestions/advice. Mornings are very tough for me. I wake up and replay everything in my head. Sometimes I think that this time and space apart from each other is a good thing and that if we tried again after time has passed our relationship could be better than ever. Other times, I feel like I've just been cast aside and given false hope. Its really, really hard to get out of bed
Author professorTR Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Well, we haven't spoken in better than two weeks. In that time she moved from PA to FL. She's living with her brother. She got a job there and accepted to school. How can she not just be running from confused feelings. I mean really..2 weeks to a new life. Im burning inside with the feeling of contacting her...but I shouldn't. It will make matters worse. I can't know what she's thinking. But I hope that as quickly as she could run away she might be able to return. I wouldn't rush it, but I don't want to feel like this move is a death sentence. If she wanted to work on it she could come back, right? Does this distance preclude any hope or does love know no boundaries?
Chi townD Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 People do NC mainly for a time to heal and move on. You shouldn't hold on to NC as a tool in the hopes of having that person come running back to you. You'll drive yourself nuts by doing that. I believe I read that you're in therapy. That's great. I would take this time to work on YOU!!! Here's the blunt truth, there's a good chance she's not coming back. Sorry, but I have to be honest here. Work on yourself. Trust me, the pain you're feeling right now will fade...but it will take some time. I'm pulling for ya!
Author professorTR Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) Thanks Chi, Im not holding on to the chance of her coming back per se. I was just feeling that geography wouldn't be a barrier to getting back together IF she REALLY WANTED to. She chose FL because that is where her family is. Im hoping, but I can't let that hope kill me. We both have issues to work on. She must've felt that radically altering her life in 2 weeks was best for her, though I hope she's getting therapy and correct meds.I guess what im after is belief that true love wouldn't be bound by geography like this. It hurts that she just started this job and that I had no idea what she was planning. I don't want to feel like leaving her alone to her space is wrong, like I should've tried something. But everyone advocates NC. They say dumpers first feel relief, and it isn't till several weeks when they start to wonder....im just so tired of my mood swings Edited March 1, 2011 by professorTR
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