einahpets Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 sorry in advance for the long note...but i need some help! i have been living for over a year with a man who is my soul mate. i love him more than life but we have been having problems lately. i don't know if i should stay. the problem is he constantly lies to me. it started this summer when i found a bunch of porn mags hidden in our closet (along with a bra from a girl he had been with two years before). i love porn but he had lied about other things before so i jokingly brought it up. he lied to my face saying he only had one. far from the truth. i was very upset. i refuse to be lied to. i don't like being treated like i'm too stupid to see the truth. definatly an issue. fast forward to this past winter. we just got a computer and were both seperatly looking at porn on it. we started having computer problems because of some of these sites (viruses etc.) and had to reinstall some programs. very frustrating...i have a lot of important things on file. we both agreed to stop looking at internet porn. i'm the only one who kept my end of the bargin. later i found that he had continued looking at the porn and deleting the history file (it does say on the hard drive). i was furious that he had been continuing to lie to me. there were already trust issues and i told him that i would leave him if continued this. of course he cried and told me he would change. i even bought porn videos for us. though i do understand that we all masterbate and sometimes it needs to be private. but once again i found that he was looking at internet porn. we fought and cried for hours. he told me he couldn't live without me (i truly do believe that) and i feel the same way. and though i said i'd leave, i didn't. we haven't had sex since. it has been quite a while. he is obsessed with EXTREMELY LARGE breasted women. i have beautiful ( not small )breasts. i know i am beautiful. but i don't feel that way with him anymore. again and again he has chosen these women he will never meet over me. the way things are now, if i don't want him to lie, i don't ask anything of him. he has refused to give up internet porn. at first it was just about important files and the computer crashing. i have no self esteem anymore. i ask and he won't live out sexual fantacies w/me. put a wig on me and spank me, just tell me what you want. i keep suggesting we get an extensive porn collection, but why am i the only one who is trying to make this work. it should be him. but he is not even trying to regain my trust. i don't know if i can ever trust him again. if i can't hold his attension when i am young and hot, what happens 10ys down the road. how do i know he won't cheat on me. he has no problem lying. he says it is because his whole family lies. they do, but he is a grown man, his parents are no excuse. all i hear is excuses. what do i do? he wants to marry and have kids, as do i. marriage isn't easy. if he can't make this one sacrifice, how can marriage work? actually it's not small, its not the porn, its the lies. i deserve better. i am always honest. what do i do? he is the love of my life, but i respect myself too much to deal with this much longer. PLEASE HELP ps. thanks for taking the time to read all this!!!
dyermaker Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 If internet porn wasn't causing computer troubles, and it wasn't a threat to your intimacy, would it still bother you?
Author einahpets Posted March 28, 2004 Author Posted March 28, 2004 i love porn...i'm a freak. what hurts is that he has no problem lying to me. the fact that he loves huge tits isn't what makes me insecure, its the fact that he hides it. there is nothing wrong with fetishes in a relationship...even if i'm not the way that it gets satified. as long as there is openess and honestly. NO LIES. we watch porn together. i watch it by myself. i tell him when i masterbate. he doesn't have to tell me when he does. lies just indicate deeper problems. he doesn't trust me enough to tell me the truth?
priscilla Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 Why would you want to stay with someone who lies to you all the time? You can't have a relationship without trust and honest. The time he is spending watching porn is time that he should be spending with you. Marriage would never work. He will always lie to you, he can't be your soulmate. Really think about what your future would be with him if you were married, and if you can feel crappy like this for the rest of your life, because he won't change. Don't let him destroy your self esteem anymore. p.s. Many men will start crying and say they will change. I have been through that too many times. They think they might lose you so they start to cry to prevent that. And, most of the time we fall for it. They will change for a little while then go back to their prior behavior. Also, it is just pitiful that he says he lies because his family lies; he is just trying to justify his behavior and blame it on someone else without taking responsibility. You do deserve better.
moimeme Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 There are people who are very ashamed of things about themselves, even if they are reassured about those things. They will still try to hide the things they are ashamed about. Having said that, clearly you are not fine with him looking at porn. You say you are, but you also said: he is obsessed with EXTREMELY LARGE breasted women. i have beautiful ( not small )breasts. i know i am beautiful. but i don't feel that way with him anymore. again and again he has chosen these women he will never meet over me. and if i can't hold his attension when i am young and hot so, actually you aren't fine with it. You are threatened, particularly by his fetish for large bosoms. He can't help but know this - so he tries to hide it. It could well be a fetish of his, which is why he's finding it so hard to stop. My advice is to quit sending mixed messages and get another computer. Then, do a bit of reading about fetishes.
average guy Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 I also think his lying could also be an issue. I am a firm beleiver that if someone call tell a little lie, they can tell a big one. I think you have two seperate issues to deal with: the porn and the lies. Good luck A.G.
sumchapchip Posted March 29, 2004 Posted March 29, 2004 Here's my two cents. . . If you love him and you know he is your soulmate, I think it is worth trying to understand why he seeks escape in his little porn world. I've found my soulmate and then lost her, and I'd do anything to get her back, but that's another story. Anyway, having been pulled into the porn world once myself, I now know that I did so because I felt a growing distance with my girlfriend at the time. In case you havent notice, we guys are a strange-O bunch and when we feel something different or threatening coming on in a relationship, many of us retreat into our escape zones and may or may not even try to figure it out. Some guys drink it away, some guys bury it and think it will pass, and some guys get abnormally absorbed in things like porn. If you love him try giving him the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't confront him directly about the porn (guys don't like that and it's not usually effective anyway), but try to figure out what it is that's naggin at him. I'm guessing that he's going through something that makes him feel like less of a man, and he doesn't think that you'd understand. I could be completely wrong, but . . . .
sumchapchip Posted March 29, 2004 Posted March 29, 2004 Keep it in perspective too! All guys lie about porn and that other thing that no guy does! It's all included include in the unwritten code!
faux Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 Originally posted by einahpets i love porn...i'm a freak. what hurts is that he has no problem lying to me. the fact that he loves huge tits isn't what makes me insecure, its the fact that he hides it. there is nothing wrong with fetishes in a relationship...even if i'm not the way that it gets satified. as long as there is openess and honestly. NO LIES. we watch porn together. i watch it by myself. i tell him when i masterbate. he doesn't have to tell me when he does. lies just indicate deeper problems. he doesn't trust me enough to tell me the truth? I can understand why he would hide this from you. It is embarrassing to have certain things one considers private known by ones partner. Everyone lies. And every truth is a lie. -><-
The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 I have the same issues at time with my bf, he lives miles away from me so we dont get to see eachother in the week and i know he looks at porn on the net in the evenings, I look at it too but I use vidoe and some how that seems less "crude" to me because im watching the same thing (only have one!) and hes downloading new girls every evening! But also I have to remember that hes a man, its just a **** and the chances of a large breasted girl jumping out of the computer and saying "I must have you now!" are small! lol When ever I worry (every so oftan for no reason I start to! maybe once or twice a month) I remind myself that I watch it, have fun then turn it off and its forgoten about. Im sure its the same for him. Try not to make him feel to bad and he might open up a bit, some men get funny about talking about it, some men love talking about it, some "freeks" like me and my bf even tell eachother about the best ones we have seen and who is better looking (Jena Jamson!) but mostly its just an woman on a screen!!!!!! and you are his Girlfriend in his life!!!!! and lets face it, how many men do you know who could date a porn star? lol
Author einahpets Posted March 30, 2004 Author Posted March 30, 2004 its not the that bothers me. i have bought 3 porns in the past 2 months for us. i don't expect him to watch it with me. the has just become an issue because he lies about it. i have no problem with . but if he lies about little things, he will lie about big things. i can't spend my life with someone who has that little respect for me. this isn' t the only thing he has lied about. and the fact that he would jepardize our relationship over something that shouldn't even be an issue (as i enjoy too)......?
spencer Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 ok is it self esteem, like you said in your first post. or is it respect, that you said in the post above mine. you dont have to answer ..... just think about it..... respect or self esteem? the watching or the lying? i do find them very different. only you know, be honest with yourself and reflect on your real feelings.
dyermaker Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 Wait, if you're fine with him watching it, why does he have to lie?
Author einahpets Posted March 31, 2004 Author Posted March 31, 2004 the lying does effect my self esteem. i feel that you shouldn' t lie to people you love. and yes! why is he lying about it if i like porn also. he has lied about other things. maybe it signifies a deeper problem in our relationship. our relationship is perfect in everyother way though. this is our only problem. unless there is something he has a problem about that he doesn't want to talk about. he doesn't like confrontation...
spencer Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 ok the next step is to figure out why the lying effects your self esteem. i know these questions sound too simple..but lets go one step at a time. trust me, im not undermining your intelligence, im breaking everything down step by step,so i can deconstruct your thought process. my thoughts about lying=self esteem would be. ..trust or shame, " he doesn't trust me to be vunerable". = you wonder "am I not worthy, or loved like I feel love towards him." or "he is insecure and has some shame about this behavior that prevents him from opening up to me." = your doubts," the relationship will suffer if he can't feel secure with me". = "he has issues that prevent him from being comfortable with this". therefore, he needs to be asked, and reflect where this feeling first came up for him. than lets ask "have I been hurt by this, or do I fear being hurt by him acting this way, and how."
Penny Sillan Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 Originally posted by einahpets later i found that he had continued looking at the porn and deleting the history file (it does say on the hard drive). Sorry for butting in..... Where do you go to on the hardrive to find where deleted history is kept? I have a teenage daughter (14 years) who at times deletes the history before handing the computer over to me and I'd like to be able to check it out. Thank-you
dyermaker Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Originally posted by Penny Sillan Sorry for butting in..... Where do you go to on the hardrive to find where deleted history is kept? I have a teenage daughter (14 years) who at times deletes the history before handing the computer over to me and I'd like to be able to check it out. Thank-you You shouldn't have to resort to technophile tricks. She's your daughter, utilizing YOUR property, tell her that if the history is deleted again, she will be unable to use it--that's just how parenting works.
Penny Sillan Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker You shouldn't have to resort to technophile tricks. She's your daughter, utilizing YOUR property, tell her that if the history is deleted again, she will be unable to use it--that's just how parenting works. Thanks for your response dyermaker. Actually, sometimes Parenting does include doing things such as resorting to "tricks" - or working behind the scene. Yes, I guess I could lay down the law to her right now and tell her that if the history is deleted, she will have time out from the computer - but I'm not prepared to do that until I know for sure what it is she doesn't want me to see. When I have something to back up my enquiring mind then yes, we will talk and yes she will be told that if I find she has deleted the history she will not be allowed to use the computer. I've been toying with the idea of getting NetNanny but when I saw that it may be possible to find the deleted history without the expense, I thought I'd try that first. Just for the record....I pretty much know how parenting works - I have two other children aged 25 and 21 and they have grown into responsible young adults - so I figure as a single Parent, I must be doing something right.
dyermaker Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I'm quite sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you weren't a good parent, it's just that I can tell you, from a kid's direct point of view, the trouble to delete the history file is only taken when there's something to hide. When a file is deleted, it's not really erased, it's just "unindexed", as in the hard drive doesn't go there until a new file is put there. There are various programs, which I can't link to because they're commercial (Google "File Recovery", or even better at Download.com) that will recover these files. On Windows XP, you'd recover "*.*" on C:\Documents and Settings\(username\Local Settings\History
Penny Sillan Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 'sok dyermaker.....I didn't take any offence because I didn't say much in my first post to give any idication of my Parenting skills - just that I was a Mother wanting to sneak in and check up on her kid. Thanks for the ideas of where to look for data/file recovery programs - I'll check them out later when the Miss has gone to bed (then delete the history so that she can't see where I've been! ). I don't have XP.....I'm still stuck in Win98 here *mega sigh* You mentioned not being able to use commercial links - did I do the wrong thing by using the Net***** name? I guess I should go read the rules before I post to many more times.
dyermaker Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I'm not a moderator, so I can't testify whether or not it's commercial enough. Personally, I think NetNanny is like "kleenex" or "xerox", it's become a general word for spy software in general.
jenny Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 sorry to butt in on the butting in. is it possible she is just looking up stuff she is too embarrased to ask you about, e.g. birth control, STDs, boy's names or flirtation tips? what kind of sites would you be upset by?
Penny Sillan Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Originally posted by jenny is it possible she is just looking up stuff she is too embarrased to ask you about, e.g. birth control, STDs, boy's names or flirtation tips? what kind of sites would you be upset by? Hi Jenny. Yes, there is every chance of her checking out sites that she may simply be embarrassed me knowing about, and that's cool. That's exactly why I'd like to know a little more about it all before I eventually talk with her - one thing I've learned about dealing with teenagers is, the more details you can get "before" bringing things up with them, the less chance there is for misunderstanding (and screaming matches and slamming doors!). What kind of sites would I be upset with? I guess any type of porn, or sites with overtly sexual overtones, things to do with drugs eg. how to obtain them, make them or take them etc.. I'd be concerned and want to take some form of positive action if she were visiting sites that talked about suicide, teen pregnancy or school troubles (bullying, not fitting in ect.). I understand that part of being a teenager is being curious and pushing boundries so I'm not going to turn all Ogre like, no matter what I find. I'd just like to know what I'm dealing with so that I can try and handle it in the best that way I can.
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