twinklelittlestar Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Hi all, I can't get this off my mind and really don't know what to do next about a situation, I am hoping you guys can help me. I have been with my fiance for 3 years and it has been the best relationship of my life (I'm late twenties). I had some jealousy issues towards the start of the relationship as his ex girlfriend was still part of his life, although quite a small part (part of his main circle of friends). I should mention that she was an ex from years ago (they broke up 3 years before we got together), not his most recent, but most significant ex. I got over these jealousy issues (mainly) by getting to know her as a friend, she seemed to like me and although at first it was a case of 'friends close, enemies closer' for me, over these last 3 years things had gotten to be ok. I still felt a bit wierd whenever they would be in touch by text (we dont live close) but whenever the group of friends got together (a few times a year) she would actually talk to me a lot more than him. Anyway, recently I found out that sometimes when my fiance and his ex have been texting, things have taken a sexual tone. I haven't actually seen the messages but challenged him on the nature of them one day when I became suspicious. He admitted they often joke about sex lives etc. She seems to initiate it more than him. He says its only about once or twice these types of conversations have happened, but I think it may have been more frequent. I dont think the messages have been 'graphic' at all, but who knows. I was obviously extremely mad at my fiance, and very upset. Without going into detail we have talked it through over the last few days and he is very very remorseful and upset. We are due to get married next year and even though there has been no physical act of cheating, the thought of them flirting together makes me feel horrible. I also confronted her by text and at first she denied it entirely, then without prompting eventually sent another message saying that I 'had nothing to worry about but she could see how the messages could have been mis-interpreted' and if it happened to her she would feel 'sick' and that she was sorry. I should mention that she has a partner of 5 years! Other than this my relationship with my fiance is great and I have helped him through some hard times and some tough medical issues these last 3 years. We still have fun together and enjoy a good sex life too. We are very close and friends tell us we've never seemed so happy. I still want to go ahead and get married, I couldnt imagine life without him and even though I feel betrayed I feel I can forgive, so long as there is NEVER any repeat. I have told him that he is never to make contact with her again, and said the same to her. The problem is I don't know how to react if I see her with this mutual group of friends. There are social occasions when she will no doubt be there, should I ask my fiance to tell his friends that she cannot be invited, or is that unfair to his friends. I should mention that most of his friends are close with me now, too. However, they have known her for longer. What should I do??
heartshaped Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 There are a lot of things I don't like about this. 1. He didn't let you see the messages. If you'd read them for yourself it would be a lot easier to determine how bad this really was. It's hard to tell going on only what he told you and what she says. 2. 'Sexual joking' and the like usually leads to physical cheating. It just starts off like that and it's not really a compliment to him that he didn't physically cheat with this girl because she lives away. 3. You have to wonder if any of his conversations with any other of his women friends have ever taken this turn. Is he close with any other women/texting any other women that you know of?
Author twinklelittlestar Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Thanks for your reply. I know 100% for sure that he is not in touch with any other women that represent even the slightest threat. I know he looks at internet porn from time to time,but thats not really a big issue for me. I didnt see the messages themselves but I checked the call log which showed there were 8 or 9 msgs back and forth. I know its not a good thing I looked at the phone! We live together and pretty much spend most of our time together so it would be very difficult for him to decieve me with anything more sinister than texting. When I asked him 'why' he said that he had 'disconnected' this from our relationship because it doesnt mean anything emotional to him whatsoever. In a way I feel more confident about our relationship now she is out of the picture (apart from the prob of potentially seeing her in a group) . I have honestly felt she has been the only threat in our entire relationship. I think I have scared him enough never to do this again. He has been very 'clingy' since. I just dont know what to do about HER, this bitch was supposed to be a friend!
notagame Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 You better not marry him. Everything you've said about this guy just rings red alarms. He DID cheat. At least emotionally, which you know about. He's probably lying about whether he ****ed her under your nose. Don't marry him and end up regretting it, then going through a long separation like I'm doing. If he'll cheat now he's capable of doing it again.
Author twinklelittlestar Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks all. I still feel SO angry
mtber75 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 You better not marry him. Everything you've said about this guy just rings red alarms. He DID cheat. At least emotionally, which you know about. He's probably lying about whether he ****ed her under your nose. Don't marry him and end up regretting it, then going through a long separation like I'm doing. If he'll cheat now he's capable of doing it again. Leaving him over sexting is bit harsh? But you did the right thing in confronting him about it. Its just inappropriate and immature!
Author twinklelittlestar Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Thats what im thinking. We are kind of ok now. Think he has learnt his lesson. Just hope thhat she would disappear off the planet!
Carrot2000 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Thats what im thinking. We are kind of ok now. Think he has learnt his lesson. Just hope thhat she would disappear off the planet! I've sent sexual texts to my male friends (not about us having sex) and they are sent in the spirit of joking, nothing more. These conversations never led to cheating and neither of us took these texts seriously. Still, I can totally understand why you feel they are inappropriate. What I don't understand, though, is why you're so threatened by this woman. They've been apart for six years and you're engaged to him; what makes you think she can get your fiance away from you? Is there clearly some unfinished business between them, or does it bother you that he doesn't hate her? If this is the best relationship of your life, don't blow it with petty jealousy. You have to be secure in yourself and your relationship if you want it to work.
Recommended Posts