skt2020 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Hey guys~ well my boyfriend of four years and i broke it off this past sunday night, i have been on the roller coaster of emotions like we all go through in the beginning. Numb, indenial, angry, depressed, hopeless, fearful, hopeful, scared, etc. Well we broke up for a period last year, & i was literally the biggest wreck there was known to man. Calling constantly, writing letters, sending texts, showing up at his place, begging pleading sobbing, etc. Well we eventually got back together last year (our breakup was a joke, i was his bitch until he decided to come around). Today i have been feeling hopeful that him and i will get back together. Its almost a survival mechanism, so i have something to get me through the day. Its like a drug, i'm so addicted to making it work i need something to take the pain away so i "use" and keep imagining that we will work it out in due time to take the edge off. anyways, the whole point of my post is this. I have been feeling relieved a little recently. The churning anxious feeling of what is going to happen when i see him, what is he going to say, are we going to fight, etc. Thats all gone because we are over. I went through my diary of last year when we broke up and i literally felt sick to my stomach! My day, my life, my mood, my EVERYTHING was based on his reaction, what he was doing etc. I was living FOR HIM. i was living to only feel us together again. I saw how unhealthy and scary and sick i seemed. I understand all the desperation and fear. But i'm starting to realize that i have completely forgotten about me. I've lost who i am. Who am i? This relationship has defined me. I cant let him define my day, my mood, my activities, my life. I have let him. I have done it for the past year. Thats where i need the advice. Where can i start from here? Whats the first step. What are some good tips to let go? I know the basics, hang out with friends, exercise, write in a journal. But i'm looking for something deeper. I want to learn how to love myself. I want to live for myself, i want to define my day, i want to impress myself, i am almost mourning the loss of myself more than the loss of my relationship. Although the two were pretty much the same thing. Sorry for the long post. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.=]
Rose T Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Hi Skt2020! Your post really struck a chord with me because I know exactly what you mean about that hope post-breakup that you might get back together, which seems to get your endorphins pumping again. It is absolutely an emotional drug, but as we know, one with a devastating down-side: all that anxiety, vulnerability, feeling that your happiness is somehow conditioned by this other person. You've expressed some really healthy thoughts about not going back in this thread and that by itself is a massive step forward!! For me, getting over my ex has involved those "basics" - exploring friendships and writing stuff out - but also by being really truthful with myself and other aspects of my life like my career and where I live, and if they're still right for me. You can really enjoy dreaming again about the endless possibilities your life holds. I also made a lot of new friends, by going to events - even by myself - that I would never have tried out; then taking a chance and following up those friendships with plans that have taken me into places I would never have dreamed. I tried church, expat friendship groups, learning a foreign language, wine tasting, art premieres. In the last three months since my break-up, I've made five or six new friends that I would never have met if I was still with my ex. They're a really concrete example of the good that came out of the break-up - I wouldn't swap them for him! I also did that thing of taking 20 minutes more in the morning to get ready, it sounds silly maybe, but I feel good when I can walk down the street with a bit more confidence. A little bit of shopping was also crucial to change my look a bit! Another huge thing was finding that I have more time to be kind to people. I'm not quite at the random act of kindness stage, but I've made time to help a stranger I met who's going through a divorce go for a coffee a few times and have someone to talk to; take some lemons from my tree to the old lady on the fourth floor of the building; go out of my way to cover for a colleague; put up a homeless friend of a friend for a few nights. I probably wouldn't have been aware enough of the needs of other people if I was still in my rather draining relationship; it's like I'm converting the love and kindness I showed my partner outwards, to help people that aren't directly in my world. It creates good energy and instead of seeking pay back for my cheating ex I'm trying to pay forward my capacity for love and be less selfish, which is actually giving me a strong sense of self-worth... Oh, and the divorcing-stranger has become another friend - she brought me a present the other day! The old lady invited me round for tea, she's a real sweetie; the colleague helped me reach a target that's impressed my boss; the friend of the homeless friend is taking me to a party this weekend. All this is normal and good, but it's hard to be there for other people sometimes when you're clinging onto a toxic relationship for too long.
Recommended Posts