aeh Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I would agree that the giver is the one more "in love", for the most part, although that doesn't negate the tremendous love that a taker can feel. And that also, as you said East, goes hand in hand with the dynamic within any relationship as someone might be more of a giver or more of a taker in a different R. And while I completely, in theory, would have speculated the same as what you profess, East--that it would be the taker, in most cases, that would be the one to cheat that is not at all what happened in my situation. My H has always been the giver in our R although there are definitely examples, of course, of ways in which I have "given" in big ways--part of the give and take of any marriage..but overall, I, and most anyone that knows us, would say that he is the giver. But it was this aspect which allowed me to never believe that HE would cheat on ME!! It was beyond shocking--does not fit with the picture at all. So in thinking about it, I do believe that there is some merit in the proposed theory that sometimes those who are givers finally get tired of it and sometimes feel justified in their choice and want some external validation. I know I definitely could have been a better wife. I was busy running the house and kids and social life and he was perhaps a bit player in it all at the lowest of times. And it is true that once DDay occurred, then he was the one who was ready to reconcile. I was all over the map and seriously considered leaving for a year. Meanwhile, he has bent over backwards and moved heaven and earth for me over the last 20 months. Give, give, give...
TinaniT Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 IME, the Givers never cheat.. Wasn't true in my relationship with my abusive ex husband. I was certainly the giver as you describe - to a huge and far extreme, and he was the taker. He was always in control. He had to be. And I had to agree or it was big trouble. I gave up in the marriage. And I was afraid to leave alone because I had tried to bring up divorce and he threatened me, knowing where I was and am weak, to make sure I didn't proceed.
JaneyAmazed Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I'm sorry this is going a little off subject. It just had me thinking. I think my H and I are both givers. We just didn't communicate well. We are working on that now. Recently, we went back to last year before the affair, and remembered some conversations we had. I've always been a very laid back wife. I've always let my H do whatever he thought was necessary for our family. What I didn't realize is that he had no idea what my emotional needs were and I had no idea what his were. We didn't really have a marriage other than legally. We'd pass each other in the hall twice a day. We might talk on the phone a couple of times a day. On his one day off, he'd sleep all day. I resented him for that. I tried everything I could to make him want me and do things together. I don't think it was he didn't want to. He was just literally too tired from working all the time. He worked all the time because of the financial burden he was under. We bought a house that was too big, bills were too much, and he was sinking but he was "committed to paying the bills." What he didn't realize that while he was committed to paying the bills, he wasn't paying any attention to me and I was feeling neglected in a huge way. I'm not making that an excuse for cheating at all, but it's clear to me now that if I had just communicated to him and demanded some changes, I wouldn't have cheated. I gave up on him and I thought he might not ever change. It was still stupid to do what I did, but I believe in our case, it wasn't the giver or the taker issue, it was the lack of communication and we both had our priorities screwed up. I'd rather live in a single wide mobile home and be happy with him. We are actually getting ready to sell our house and buy a smaller home with a smaller mortgage. We are making sacrifices now that we weren't willing too before the affair. This affair was a huge wakeup call for both of us.
ladydesigner Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I would agree that the giver is the one more "in love", for the most part, although that doesn't negate the tremendous love that a taker can feel. And that also, as you said East, goes hand in hand with the dynamic within any relationship as someone might be more of a giver or more of a taker in a different R. And while I completely, in theory, would have speculated the same as what you profess, East--that it would be the taker, in most cases, that would be the one to cheat that is not at all what happened in my situation. My H has always been the giver in our R although there are definitely examples, of course, of ways in which I have "given" in big ways--part of the give and take of any marriage..but overall, I, and most anyone that knows us, would say that he is the giver. But it was this aspect which allowed me to never believe that HE would cheat on ME!! It was beyond shocking--does not fit with the picture at all. So in thinking about it, I do believe that there is some merit in the proposed theory that sometimes those who are givers finally get tired of it and sometimes feel justified in their choice and want some external validation. I know I definitely could have been a better wife. I was busy running the house and kids and social life and he was perhaps a bit player in it all at the lowest of times. And it is true that once DDay occurred, then he was the one who was ready to reconcile. I was all over the map and seriously considered leaving for a year. Meanwhile, he has bent over backwards and moved heaven and earth for me over the last 20 months. Give, give, give... aeh I could have written your post word for word. Me and my H are the same. He was also the first to cheat then myself following in a revenge affair. My H has definitely been the giver and I feel he also grew tired of that role and liked the external validation.
What_Next Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I'm sorry this is going a little off subject. It just had me thinking. I think my H and I are both givers. We just didn't communicate well. We are working on that now. Recently, we went back to last year before the affair, and remembered some conversations we had. I've always been a very laid back wife. I've always let my H do whatever he thought was necessary for our family. What I didn't realize is that he had no idea what my emotional needs were and I had no idea what his were. We didn't really have a marriage other than legally. We'd pass each other in the hall twice a day. We might talk on the phone a couple of times a day. On his one day off, he'd sleep all day. I resented him for that. I tried everything I could to make him want me and do things together. I don't think it was he didn't want to. He was just literally too tired from working all the time. He worked all the time because of the financial burden he was under. We bought a house that was too big, bills were too much, and he was sinking but he was "committed to paying the bills." What he didn't realize that while he was committed to paying the bills, he wasn't paying any attention to me and I was feeling neglected in a huge way. I'm not making that an excuse for cheating at all, but it's clear to me now that if I had just communicated to him and demanded some changes, I wouldn't have cheated. I gave up on him and I thought he might not ever change. It was still stupid to do what I did, but I believe in our case, it wasn't the giver or the taker issue, it was the lack of communication and we both had our priorities screwed up. I'd rather live in a single wide mobile home and be happy with him. We are actually getting ready to sell our house and buy a smaller home with a smaller mortgage. We are making sacrifices now that we weren't willing too before the affair. This affair was a huge wakeup call for both of us. Janey, this is a GREAT post. It almost mirrors exactly my situation. While it might not be on topic, I am willing to bet it is a very common sequence of events.
Snowflower Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I would agree that the giver is the one more "in love", for the most part, although that doesn't negate the tremendous love that a taker can feel. And that also, as you said East, goes hand in hand with the dynamic within any relationship as someone might be more of a giver or more of a taker in a different R. And while I completely, in theory, would have speculated the same as what you profess, East--that it would be the taker, in most cases, that would be the one to cheat that is not at all what happened in my situation. My H has always been the giver in our R although there are definitely examples, of course, of ways in which I have "given" in big ways--part of the give and take of any marriage..but overall, I, and most anyone that knows us, would say that he is the giver. But it was this aspect which allowed me to never believe that HE would cheat on ME!! It was beyond shocking--does not fit with the picture at all. So in thinking about it, I do believe that there is some merit in the proposed theory that sometimes those who are givers finally get tired of it and sometimes feel justified in their choice and want some external validation. I know I definitely could have been a better wife. I was busy running the house and kids and social life and he was perhaps a bit player in it all at the lowest of times. And it is true that once DDay occurred, then he was the one who was ready to reconcile. I was all over the map and seriously considered leaving for a year. Meanwhile, he has bent over backwards and moved heaven and earth for me over the last 20 months. Give, give, give... aeh, what a great post! I also could have written this almost word for word about my situation as well. My H is also a giver and yet he cheated and it all went down very similarly to what aeh described above. He decided to be a taker when he had his affair and even told me as much, "I'm going to do the things I want to do now." (geez, the actual details of what he said have become blurry--good thing!) Yes, and I think there was a little MLC mixed in too for him. But being a taker like that felt unnatural to him and he admitted as much as we worked through things. Now he is back to give, give, give and I try much harder to reciprocate--not that I was all selfish before but I'm more cognizant of things and do some things differently.
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