I snooped..and I wish I hadn't..

[JohnnyCage]

Seriously if I was in a relationship I would give my email password and everything to the person I am with. And I would share every little detail with that person. And if I ever had any issues with anything I would confront her with it and resolve it. If checking your partner's email without his permission is snooping then that person is not your partner.

 

So forget that you checked his messages. Ask him what the hell all this is about. If he gives you a straight answer then good but if he asks you how you could check his messages and blah blah blah please dump his sorry ass.

[Lilmisus]

So, would you consider his familial and socio-economic situation to be markedly different from your own?

 

How many hours per week would you say you spend together, in person?

 

Are you interested in a long-term relationship in general and, more specifically, with this person?

 

I'll modify my initial opinion proffered in the other thread to add that he is likely a taker. In life, there are givers and there are takers. Example: He's on a 'makeup date' with you and *takes* your phone and checks *his* Facebook and peruses messages from other people, including women, *while* he's on a date with you. You say he has done this 'many times'.

 

'If you feel the need to look at Facebook while on a date with me, and I really do discourage that behavior, please buy your own phone and get your own plan'

 

Listen.

 

If he's not a taker, he'll respect you and resolve things with you in a balanced way.

 

1. Yes. Very much so. He comes from a below poverty, dysfunctional family, whereas I come from a family that is considered "rich" and is very close and loving. It's because of these differences that we almost split up last week.

2. We used to see each other every day since we have worked with each other for the past year. Then, it went down significantly since he worked all the time, and I didn't due to school reasons, so we couldn't see one another. For the past couple months when things were horrible between us, I'd see him once every couple weeks and not hear from him. Now, that we're both working again and working on our relationship, we see each other a few times a week, and make it a point to go out at least once or more in that week and talk during and after work every day.

3. Yes I want a long-term relationship. With him? Not so much. I love him, and so I want him in my life of course, but I am realistic in that I don't think we'll spend the rest of our lives together. Since we have two different plans for what we want and since we so different and have such different backgrounds, we both know that any type of long-term relationship is most likely not going to happen. But that doesn't mean that I want to just give up and say "wasn't meant to be anyway," I want to really work at this relationship, and if he's not cheating or looking to cheat, then I would love to see how far we can take it. If he is or is looking to cheat..then I'm through with him without a doubt.

4. I was playing with my phone, and went onto Facebook first since I forgot that I had messaged my friend earlier about class and never got back to her. He asked if he could get on and since he hadn't been on for a while, I told him sure. He told me who was trying to add him: some chick, and asked if I knew her, and he told me what else he was doing on there, but only spent a minute or two on. We even talked about who else he was friends with right then: different exes, and what their stories were. It was then that I took my phone back and was going to change his status.

5. I completely get what you're saying. I'm a giver at heart, and he is more of a taker now that you mention it. But we're both trying to work on this relationship, and he showed it very much last night on our date. Any point I told him to work on: talking to me when I walk in the room, asking me about my day, showing affection, including me in conversations, etc..he worked on and then some.

 

I'm just worried that all this work he's putting in, is just a cover-up and he's cheating on the side and not being faithful to me. I think the best thing I can do is just ask the questions I said I was thinking about asking earlier on, and trying to figure out who these chicks are. I'll keep y'all posted on what's happening with us and what I decide to do though. Most likely it'll be brought up within the week.

[carhill]

Thanks. I'd like to juxtapose some comments:

 

Yes I want a long-term relationship. With him? Not so much. I love him, and so I want him in my life of course, but I am realistic in that I don't think we'll spend the rest of our lives together.

From your first thread on LS:

I'm 20 and I've been dating my 22 year old boyfriend for eight months as of yesterday. When we are together, things are great, and it's hard for me to imagine a future without him, but when we're not, I don't hear from him...at all. He doesn't have a phone anymore, and doesn't have internet at his house, so if he wants to get in touch with me or anyone else, he has to go to his parent's place, next door, and use their means of communication. It's been the same since we started seeing each other ten months ago - we'd make plans, he'd promise to call, he never does, when he does he apologizes and gives an excuse, I forgive him, and the same thing happens again, usually soon after. But recently, it's gotten so much worse. In the past two months I've had to wait for around two weeks to hear from him three times (but "good" reasons each time). That's seven weeks altogether just waiting to hear from him.

I have a simple question. Why are <you> investing so much time and energy, including your excellent discourse within this thread, into someone with whom you apparently see no future?

 

I had similar issues with picking healthy and compatible partners when younger (and not so younger) and that faulty people-picker caused a lot of heartache. Hope you don't experience that.

 

What would you say is the single positive which keeps you in this? Before answering, go back and re-read the threads you've started. Think about it for awhile. No rush. Within the week.

Edited February 23, 2011 by carhill

[xpaperxcutx]

OP, there was another post in another thread where you stated you've only been together for 2 months. If this was an LTR to begin with, his indiscretion would have required more subtantial intervention. But two months? I don't anything warrants him to cheat other than the fact he obviously prefers to take you for granted.

[Ay Diesel T]

OP please just prepare your heart for whatever may come. I already know what's to come.

 

As a guy who's been there done that, I can assure you that his intentions with you aren't in the best interest of your emotions.

 

Plain and simple, he wouldn't be on the d/l about talking to these women on facebook. In fact, if it were innocent, it'd be on his wall. And he probably wouldn't be so eager to pursue other women.

 

 

Sometimes when we're in love or deeply in lust, we don't want to believe what's right infront of our face. :/ Best of luck to you.

[Lilmisus]

Thanks. I'd like to juxtapose some comments:

 

From your first thread on LS:

I have a simple question. Why are <you> investing so much time and energy, including your excellent discourse within this thread, into someone with whom you apparently see no future?

 

I had similar issues with picking healthy and compatible partners when younger (and not so younger) and that faulty people-picker caused a lot of heartache. Hope you don't experience that.

 

What would you say is the single positive which keeps you in this? Before answering, go back and re-read the threads you've started. Think about it for awhile. No rush. Within the week.

 

That's probably one of the best questions anyone has asked me about our relationship. It doesn't take much thought to think what the answer is though.

 

I've mentioned in someone else's thread not too long ago that I have had a social anxiety disorder (SAD) for most of my life, and for the past few years I've really worked on getting over it. Just being around people, looking them in the eye, talking to them, showing who I was, etc, was too much for me to handle up until high school. Being attractive (not trying to sound coincided) didn't help either, since guys were always trying to hit on me, and I couldn't handle it. The thought of doing anything dating wise (or anything) scared me sick and kept me up at night worrying. But over the past few years, especially since going to college and working, I've really improved and I now consider my phobia to be something of the past.

 

When I first met my boyfriend a year ago, I thought he was just like the rest of the guys I've met and didn't want anything to do with him. Especially since I was still working on my phobia, I didn't want to date him (never really dated anyone before him, was offered multiple times, but was too scared to). But soon after, I realized that I felt more comfortable and safe with him than with anyone else that has ever come into my life. He has helped me tremendously with my phobia, and it's because of him specifically that I am as confident of a person as I am now, and not scared any more like I was for my entire life. I say my phobia is a thing of the past, and like I said..it's because of him. He got me, understood my sense of humor, made me laugh, and most of all, helped me forget my fear. It's what made me fall so much in love with him, and made it impossible for me to even imagine life without him. He's grown to be my best friend, and my rock, the one person I can depend on to give an honest opinion and to understand and get me like I need to be understood.

 

Him and I talked last night and both realized that neither of us need to be in a relationship. He's spent the last few years alone, and I've spent most of my life living in solitaire, so we're both fine with it, we just want to be with one another. But I think that part of me is afraid that I'll never find someone who is as patient as he is with me, and who will get me like he does. It's hard to imagine a future with him, but it's just as hard to imagine a future without him. Let alone think that the guy I trust so much could cheat on me and not care as much as I have always thought he did (before these past couple of months).

 

I just hope that when I finally talk to him, all this worry will be lifted off my shoulders and I'll be reassured that I have nothing to worry about. But as Ay Diesel T has warned, I really need to prepare myself for the worst that can (and probably will) come. I guess all I can do is wait and see what will happen.