Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 First off, snooping is NEVER okay, and I realize that. I'm the first one to preach that you shouldn't snoop, since it's wrong and it shows trust issues. It also brings up issues that didn't have to be there that you've created. So, if you're going to just say "you deserve it" go ahead, I realize this, and I know that if I saw someone else had snooped and found out something they didn't want to know, I'd say the same thing. Now that that's out of the way, here's my story. Back story: If you look at my account you can see the different threads I've started that have talked about issues I've had with my boyfriend recently. To summarize everything, we've been having issues for the past couple of months, mainly due to him not being able to contact me when I want and expect him to. Our only real means of communication is Facebook, which I asked him to create back before we started dating since he didn't have a phone, and everyone's on it. Lately though, he has been having more trouble than ever to call me or get on Facebook, and it's been causing a lot of drama between us. Last week, he was supposed to treat me to a make-up date, but that turned into the worst date I've ever had, and tonight was our make-up, make-up date, and it went amazingly. So..we went out to eat, and he borrowed my phone to get onto Facebook, like he's done many times. Twice when he hadn't logged out I changed his status to mess with him, but to one where his friends would know it was me saying it..not him, so I was joking around saying I was going to do it again tonight when I took my phone back and saw he hadn't logged out. I didn't though, and I didn't log out since our server came at the time, and I just put down the phone and forgot about it till a few hours later when I was by myself. When I first realized it, I wasn't planning on going through it, and I was originally going to log out and log onto mine since I wanted to check mine out. But then I saw that he had 11 unread messages and I figured that they were probably mine I had sent in the past few months, two of which I'm not proud of since I was mad when I wrote them. After thinking it through, I decided that I wanted to delete the messages I had sent them if he hadn't read them, to save us getting into another fight, and just hope that he wouldn't notice. Snooping was NOT my goal, and I was actually hoping to just zoom past any messages that didn't say were from me. So did that happen? Hell no. If it had, I wouldn't be posting this thread right now and continually feel like I'm going to throw up. What did happen was this. Since Facebook shows the first line of the message that was sent, I didn't have to open any of the messages to see what they said, it was right there plain to see. The first two had numbers in them saying something along the lines of "Yeah, hit me up sometime 222-****" or "You need to call me 333-****." When I saw the numbers I was like "Woah boy...asking for phone numbers from girls..what??" and just put my phone down and told myself not to look any more, and forgot why it was I opened it up in the first place. But the shock, fear, and anger got the best of me and I had to know what was going on, and who these girls were and why they were giving him their number. I was hoping to see that they were in relationships or that they were old friends and nothing was going on, but I saw nothing to prove either of those facts. I dug as deep as I could while going through messages that had already been read, and tried to find something that could calm my fear, but I didn't, and just saw things to make me more worried than anything. One girl in particular was actually who he was sending most of the messages to and was the last to send him a message. For the past few months they've been talking back and forth and he's always the one to see if she wants to go out sometime or saying "hit me up" and always tries to get in contact with her. I read in one of the older messages that they used to hang out all the time and he'd fall asleep on her and they had many pictures taken together from "back in the day" (which of course made me wonder if they dated at one point). Other than her, there were only a few other girls who he had messaged to chill with sometime (each though, he offered to a few times), but I saw nothing to say that he ever has gone through with these plans. I know I know, HE is the one who should be mad. He's the one who should be dumping me for going through his personal space. I invaded his privacy, and although most of you wont believe me, it wasn't my original intention to do so. Did I ever delete the messages? No. He apparently hasn't read any of the messages I've sent him in the past few months, just all the other girls. But I'm wondering right now as to what to do. Like I said, there's no indication that he's actually gone through with their plans of getting together, or that he's cheated on me, but is this a clear sign that he's trying to? Or do I have nothing to worry about, since these are probably just friends of his that he wants to get up with? Should I just break up with him and find another reason for doing so, without telling him that I've gone through his stuff? God, I feel sick about this, and I just wish I knew what to do right now. Especially after these past couple months, I feel the need to end things, but I don't know if I should. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
PurpleReign Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 OK, don't get too freaked. I know I'd feel something was amiss, too, but taking any drastic measures when you're upset will only upset you more when you calm down. Get it? Something hasn't felt right (per your post) with you two for a while, but you obviously still have feelings for him. I tell you what I'd do. Absolutely nothing! At least nothing concerning the Facebook/other women issue. Don't mention a word about it. I would back way off. You're no longer a mystery to him and he's getting bored. Don't ignore him, but don't jump every time he calls. Reconnect with your girlfriends and/or make new girlfriends. Make plans with them, be just a little less available for him, especially if he doesn't make plans a day or two in advance. In other words, create an awesome life exclusive of the life you and he have. One that (if he's the right one for you) he will be dying to know more about and be involved in. Curiosity will have him right back where you want him. I'm not advocating "game playing" or any form of dishonesty but never show your complete hand to anyone - keep 'em guessing just a little bit - always.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 God, I feel sick about this, and I just wish I knew what to do right now. Especially after these past couple months, I feel the need to end things, but I don't know if I should. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. After reading all of that the thing that gets me the most is that he hasn't read your messages. Chatting with an ex is really disrespectful, but some people here seem to think it's cool. I've been told on several threads that it's Ok to give out your number to new guys if done with "friendly intent." Personally... I don't like his behavior. It says he isn't that into you. I'm sorry.
Alma Mobley Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Are you sure these girls aren't just friends of his that he's had before he met you? Was there anything in the messages that sounded like he wanted to go on some sort of date or was this just hanging out? Does he have a relationship status?
Alma Mobley Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 After reading all of that the thing that gets me the most is that he hasn't read your messages. Yeah, I don't like that part either. It's like he doesn't care what you have to say but responds to all these other people.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Are you sure these girls aren't just friends of his that he's had before he met you? Was there anything in the messages that sounded like he wanted to go on some sort of date or was this just hanging out? Does he have a relationship status? I really don't know. I do know that each of them seem to have known him for years, since high school, since they each are friends with other friends that he went to high school with. So a huge part of me is screaming "They're just friends! Chill out!" but the other part is screaming "Why is he pushing so hard to get together with them and not his guy friends?" And no, there's no indication that it's a date and not just hanging out, and that's why I don't know what to do right now. The biggest indication that there's something wrong here is that one chick messaged him on his wall a few weeks ago (I saw it when she did it, but didn't say or do anything) and he messaged her to her inbox asking "What's up girl, you trying to chill?" and did it again a few weeks later asking if she was trying to get up with him. Yes, we are listed as in a relationship together. The night we became official back in June I changed my status, so he did too, and back in October we put that we were in a relationship together. One of the chicks that messaged him, added me soon after adding him and messaging him. Though, I didn't read her message since he didn't, but she's also in a loving relationship so I don't consider her to be one of the girls to be worried about. Right now I'm really, really trying to convince myself that nothing's wrong here, and that I'm overreacting, but it's so hard to do. Knowing how bad these past couple of months have been and now this is really making me wonder if my best friend was right in suggesting that he's a cheater since he's so sketchy with his actions.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 After reading all of that the thing that gets me the most is that he hasn't read your messages. Chatting with an ex is really disrespectful, but some people here seem to think it's cool. I've been told on several threads that it's Ok to give out your number to new guys if done with "friendly intent." Personally... I don't like his behavior. It says he isn't that into you. I'm sorry. Honestly, I don't know if his not reading my messages really bothers me too much. Since I'm still logged in as him, I realized that he's read two of my messages from the past couple months, but not the others. For two weeks that we didn't see/speak to each other, I sent three messages (one of them being one that I'm not proud of). He read the first one, but I guess he just didn't see the point in reading the other two, so didn't. Same thing with the other messages..If they were sent when we didn't see/speak to each other, he read the first message, but not the others. Plus, as soon as you look at the top of the message you can see that I was upset since it starts off with "Soo...it's now been two weeks since I last saw you..." and I know he doesn't deal well with people being mad at him, and avoids it at all costs. But about the exes thing. I personally feel that it's okay for exes to try to be friends and talk still. I even encourage it. It's just when you lie or deny it that I have a problem with it. And even though I don't know who a majority of these chicks are, I know that one of them is in fact an ex who he told me tonight he has not tried to contact for two years when she last called him to pick her up. Their message was him just asking if she's been okay, and her saying yes, but the fact that he lied about their communicating bothered me more than anything else that I saw. And though it sucks reading that you think he's not that into me, I think I feel the same way deep down inside. This is just another indicator that I'm right about it, and I guess that I have to ask myself if our plan to work things out is worth it or not at this point. Tonight though, he made a clear effort to show me he cared about me and wants me in his life by doing all the things I told him he needs to work on, and listening to me like I told him he needs to. He also mentioned a near future together (which lately, he's been straying from doing until we started working things out), and I'm just wondering if this is enough of a reason to stay with him or not? Should the promise that tonight's date gave me outweigh the doubt I have after snooping and seeing everything I saw (which the last messages were sent a couple weeks ago)?
hoping2heal Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 You mentioned one of the only ways to communicate with him at the moment is facebook. Yet, he has taken the time to read messages from other girls..but has not bothered to look at messages from his actual girlfriend. Things that make you go hmmm.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 OK, don't get too freaked. I know I'd feel something was amiss, too, but taking any drastic measures when you're upset will only upset you more when you calm down. Get it? Something hasn't felt right (per your post) with you two for a while, but you obviously still have feelings for him. I tell you what I'd do. Absolutely nothing! At least nothing concerning the Facebook/other women issue. Don't mention a word about it. I would back way off. You're no longer a mystery to him and he's getting bored. Don't ignore him, but don't jump every time he calls. Reconnect with your girlfriends and/or make new girlfriends. Make plans with them, be just a little less available for him, especially if he doesn't make plans a day or two in advance. In other words, create an awesome life exclusive of the life you and he have. One that (if he's the right one for you) he will be dying to know more about and be involved in. Curiosity will have him right back where you want him. I'm not advocating "game playing" or any form of dishonesty but never show your complete hand to anyone - keep 'em guessing just a little bit - always. You're right, thank you. It's going to be extremely hard to do considering that we work together though and have most of the same mutual friends but it's definitely worth trying. Also, the fact that I'm trying to get him to go with me on a 2.5 hour trip to visit my dad next Monday (he's kicking and screaming to not go), is an issue with this game plan. Question: in order to play harder to get and less available, should I tell him it doesn't matter to me any more and just go by myself? Or should I continue to try to get him to go with me? I think my hardest problem right now is just trying to not do anything while upset, since it will indeed hurt me more afterward than if I just stop and rationalize what I'm doing. Self control..I keep telling myself it's all I need right now.
Avaa Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 You mentioned one of the only ways to communicate with him at the moment is facebook. Yet, he has taken the time to read messages from other girls..but has not bothered to look at messages from his actual girlfriend. Things that make you go hmmm. Exactly, OP-if it is still a concern you should definitely bring this up next time you see him.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 You mentioned one of the only ways to communicate with him at the moment is facebook. Yet, he has taken the time to read messages from other girls..but has not bothered to look at messages from his actual girlfriend. Things that make you go hmmm. Yes ma'am it definitely does make me wonder. But, another point I failed to mention. I realized a while ago that he's most likely to get on Facebook a day or two after I see him, when I'm not sitting around waiting for him. So, when he gets on and sees my messages, it's typically after we discussed what had been going on, and why I hadn't heard from him (all things I ask in the messages) in person. That's why, in response to someone else I said that it doesn't bother me that much at all really, in some ways it makes me feel better knowing that he didn't read them, though I know that sounds weird. But it does still sting quite a bit to see him not reading something that I take the time to message to him.
Alma Mobley Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Well, what is your gut telling you? Do you have a gut feeling that there is more to these girls than friendship and trying to rationalize it away? Or are you just paranoid? And do you really want to start playing games and not being yourself to keep this guy? It's one thing to give the guy some space and quite another to play harder to get.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I'm not even dating him and my guy feeling is telling me he's looking to cheat.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Well, what is your gut telling you? Do you have a gut feeling that there is more to these girls than friendship and trying to rationalize it away? Or are you just paranoid? And do you really want to start playing games and not being yourself to keep this guy? It's one thing to give the guy some space and quite another to play harder to get. I wish I could give an honest answer as to what my gut is saying. A huge part of me feels like I'm being paranoid, the other part feels like it's saying "aha! I knew it!" But honestly, with just these messages being sent back and forth, I feel like this isn't enough evidence to show that he's cheating. It shows that he's keeping contact with girls, which I know he's a lady's man and an extremely friendly guy with girl friends, so it doesn't surprise me, but cheating? I dunno. But to answer your question, no, I don't want to start playing games, especially since him and I agreed to work on communication within our relationship and after only a week it's improved our relationship tremendously. Enough so to push us off the edge and back into calmer water, but me snooping has pushed me back towards the edge, unknowingly to him. But I do feel that we need more mystery in our relationship, and that I need to do some backing off of him since I'm typically the one to come running after him trying to make plans, and I'm eager to drop anything I'm doing to just spend time with him. Why exactly are relationships so hard? It's unfair.
heartshaped Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I wish I could give an honest answer as to what my gut is saying. A huge part of me feels like I'm being paranoid, the other part feels like it's saying "aha! I knew it!" But honestly, with just these messages being sent back and forth, I feel like this isn't enough evidence to show that he's cheating. It shows that he's keeping contact with girls, which I know he's a lady's man and an extremely friendly guy with girl friends, so it doesn't surprise me, but cheating? I dunno. But to answer your question, no, I don't want to start playing games, especially since him and I agreed to work on communication within our relationship and after only a week it's improved our relationship tremendously. Enough so to push us off the edge and back into calmer water, but me snooping has pushed me back towards the edge, unknowingly to him. But I do feel that we need more mystery in our relationship, and that I need to do some backing off of him since I'm typically the one to come running after him trying to make plans, and I'm eager to drop anything I'm doing to just spend time with him. Why exactly are relationships so hard? It's unfair. I don't think the two of you need more mystery, mystery is the problem here. Let's face it: it's not okay that he's talking to all these women behind your back and then, pointedly lied to you about talking to one of them. All this trying to get them to meet up, why isn't he trying to get his male friends to meet up? How would he react if you were the one talking to a bunch of men behind his back giving out your number and getting theirs and trying to meet up?
GivenUp0083 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 OK, don't get too freaked. I know I'd feel something was amiss, too, but taking any drastic measures when you're upset will only upset you more when you calm down. Get it? Something hasn't felt right (per your post) with you two for a while, but you obviously still have feelings for him. I tell you what I'd do. Absolutely nothing! At least nothing concerning the Facebook/other women issue. Don't mention a word about it. I would back way off. You're no longer a mystery to him and he's getting bored. Don't ignore him, but don't jump every time he calls. Reconnect with your girlfriends and/or make new girlfriends. Make plans with them, be just a little less available for him, especially if he doesn't make plans a day or two in advance. In other words, create an awesome life exclusive of the life you and he have. One that (if he's the right one for you) he will be dying to know more about and be involved in. Curiosity will have him right back where you want him. I'm not advocating "game playing" or any form of dishonesty but never show your complete hand to anyone - keep 'em guessing just a little bit - always. I have to disagree with this advice. This is what anyone initially would think to do, that maybe you've come across too needy and that you don't want to let on that anything is wrong given your faulty mistake... But if you pull away, he's going to notice, and he could assume you are going to break up with him and may encourage him to contact these other women more. You may end up pushing him farther away rather than just pulling yourself away. You should just confess to him. Tell him you didn't have intentions to snoop but it kind of just happened and that you saw some things that upset you and confuse you. Tell him you still care and that you've been feeling a little distant from him in terms of his communication and that it hurt a little to see he was in such good communication with other women. If he can't understand how this makes you feel and explain himself then he's a jerk and a loser (I mean c'mon, who doesn't have a phone?) If you don't get it out of your system, it'll eat you up inside. Just level with him, tell him you want to make things better because you like him, not becasue you're trying to be a snooping bitch. Yeah, I don't like that part either. It's like he doesn't care what you have to say but responds to all these other people. This is shady on his part, and all the more reason to say something to him. Look at it this way....do you really want to be with someone that you can't share your concerns with?
Ay Diesel T Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 People are asking, friends this, that... Look. If they were just being friends, these women would've posted on his wall, and all these little private messages would be public. Check to see if they're on his friends list, I bet you some aren't. This is dude playing the game. The only time I take things to messaging is when I want to be on the down low about it, ie. putting in work to a woman, or something personal. He's definitely either already cheating, or about to. I'm sorry OP.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 I have to disagree with this advice. This is what anyone initially would think to do, that maybe you've come across too needy and that you don't want to let on that anything is wrong given your faulty mistake... But if you pull away, he's going to notice, and he could assume you are going to break up with him and may encourage him to contact these other women more. You may end up pushing him farther away rather than just pulling yourself away. You should just confess to him. Tell him you didn't have intentions to snoop but it kind of just happened and that you saw some things that upset you and confuse you. Tell him you still care and that you've been feeling a little distant from him in terms of his communication and that it hurt a little to see he was in such good communication with other women. If he can't understand how this makes you feel and explain himself then he's a jerk and a loser (I mean c'mon, who doesn't have a phone?) If you don't get it out of your system, it'll eat you up inside. Just level with him, tell him you want to make things better because you like him, not becasue you're trying to be a snooping bitch. This is shady on his part, and all the more reason to say something to him. Look at it this way....do you really want to be with someone that you can't share your concerns with? I completely understand where you're coming from and what you're trying to say, and for the most part, I agree and think you hit it spot on. But I think that if I told him that I snooped through his messages on Facebook than regardless of the reason, he would dump me - just like I'd dump him if he did the same thing to me. After sleeping it off (and sleeping in) I think I feel a whole lot calmer about this than I did last night, and more willing to be more understanding about this than I was when I first read the messages. But right now I'm trying to come up with a game plan. I'm trying to remember different things that him and I said last night or recently that I could bring up casually but get to the bottom of what I found out. Like last night, we talked about cheating for a little bit, and how it's an easy relationship killer if you need one. I told him that if you cheat than it's just handing the person a reason to break up with you, and you obviously didn't want to be with them anyway. He agreed, and so I'm thinking about asking if he's ever cheated or been cheated on, while asking about past relationships. I know the answer (or part of it) though, since I know his first girlfriend did cheat on him. I'm also thinking about throwing in Facebook, and just asking how he likes it since I basically made him create it back in May. I'm thinking of asking if he's kept in contact with anyone and if he ever read all the messages I sent him. Ya know, trying to keep it more open and give him space to tell me the truth and his story rather than tell him "I looked through your messages..I know the answers already" and it's not as finger pointing as it would have been. I'm just wondering if this is an easy way for him to look through my answers and see what I'm really saying and really did? Or if this is the best way of approaching it? But no, to answer your question, I don't want to be with someone who I can't share my concerns with, but at the same time, I don't want him to lose his trust and respect for me. I know that he's looked around my Facebook and phone quite a few times, but each time I tell him "it's okay, I have nothing to hide, have at it" (actually, each time but last night, since I did have something to hide, and snatched my phone from him as soon as he started playing with it..but it was my twitter, where I vent, nothing serious), but since he didn't give me the green light, this is a completely different story, ya know?
Ay Diesel T Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 OP why are you choosing to stay with this guy? Can promise you that he's cheating, and if he already hasn't, he will.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 People are asking, friends this, that... Look. If they were just being friends, these women would've posted on his wall, and all these little private messages would be public. Check to see if they're on his friends list, I bet you some aren't. This is dude playing the game. The only time I take things to messaging is when I want to be on the down low about it, ie. putting in work to a woman, or something personal. He's definitely either already cheating, or about to. I'm sorry OP. Thank you for the input, I appreciate it. But honestly about the messaging thing, he messages everyone to the inbox actually, either that or IM (I don't think he's ever commented on my wall or anyone's for that matter). His wall is almost clean except for where he posts his songs and our friends comment about them. The only time that people ever wrote on his wall were for his birthday, and maybe a couple other times (one chick, like I mentioned, did post to his wall before he messaged her). And about being on his friends list..they all are, and they're all added to our other friends that he went to school with as well. But it doesn't lessen my concern at all, since I agree that if you message someone to the inbox you're trying to keep it private, and it's the reason I'm so jumpy right now. And though I want to just think "he's cheating" or "he's not cheating" I'm trying to be completely rational about this and think it entirely through before I jump to any conclusions or break up for him for cheating..especially if he never did, ya know?
carhill Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 A muso without a phone? Pray tell what does he perform his music with? How does he buy that? Pay for internet access? Eat? My opinion on this dynamic remains unchanged.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 OP why are you choosing to stay with this guy? Can promise you that he's cheating, and if he already hasn't, he will. "Why?" is a great question. Because him and I just recently tried to start working our issues out that have been building up, and like I mentioned before, things have improved an incredible amount in the week that we agreed to work harder at our relationship. When I look at the dates..each of them were sent when things were bad in our relationship and when we were both ready and willing to call it quits. If this is a coincidence, I don't know, nor do I know if it means that things were worse than I thought that they were or if he was trying to look for a new girlfriend before ending things with me. All I know is that he hasn't messaged or communicated with any chicks since we both put our problems out there and started working on things. Like I said..trying to be rational here.. If I have hard evidence that says he's cheating (like a message saying "last night was amazing" or someone telling me he was with another chick), trust me..he'll be gone from my life and I wont ever consider being with him again. And it will come to be one of his biggest regrets, especially since we have so many of the same friends and I'm friends with his family, and (especially since) we work together, and all of our coworkers would kill him if he hurt me that way..not before I killed him though. And that's why I want to ask him if he's messaged anyone, and possibly ask who these girls are like "so..who's Beth..saw she wrote on your wall?" Give him a way to tell me the truth, and it will potentially end my worry, ya know?
Author Lilmisus Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 A muso without a phone? Pray tell what does he perform his music with? How does he buy that? Pay for internet access? Eat? My opinion on this dynamic remains unchanged. Nope, no phone, had one, but can't afford it, sees them as more of a luxury item, and one he can do without more than anything else. Anytime that I have to get in touch with him, I have to call his dad or his best friend - who he now lives with. His dad is actually the one with the internet and he has to go over to his parent's place to use theirs, since he can't afford that either, and that's why he doesn't message me when I expect him to. And his music was paid for by his sister's now ex-boyfriend, who bought him his ipod and had all of his songs already on there. All he does pay for is his food, gas, and bills, and since he's the only one in his family really making any money, it's understandable..his parents rely on him a lot to help them out.
carhill Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 So, would you consider his familial and socio-economic situation to be markedly different from your own? How many hours per week would you say you spend together, in person? Are you interested in a long-term relationship in general and, more specifically, with this person? I'll modify my initial opinion proffered in the other thread to add that he is likely a taker. In life, there are givers and there are takers. Example: He's on a 'makeup date' with you and *takes* your phone and checks *his* Facebook and peruses messages from other people, including women, *while* he's on a date with you. You say he has done this 'many times'. 'If you feel the need to look at Facebook while on a date with me, and I really do discourage that behavior, please buy your own phone and get your own plan' Listen. If he's not a taker, he'll respect you and resolve things with you in a balanced way.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Kick his ass to the curb. Rundontwalk
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