spice4life Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 When someone ends a relationship, no matter how they do it, it is closure and allows the other person to move on. They may be angry, hurt, sad, all those things, but they know the decision has been made, and they get over it. He will be fine. Receiving mixed messages from someone - which is what it would be - "I can;t see you but I still want to know you are OK / explain / have another little second of time with you" - is far more painful to deal with. It's probably way kinder on him if you don;t Good luck with everything. This is excellent advice. it's all you really need to know. And, take flowergirl's story to heart and realize that you will be reopening wounds for two people. Leave him be and focus on your marriage. He will be fine.
FightClub Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Janey, You heard my story on the infidelity forum when you first posted and I've been reading a few of your current threads, this one in particular strikes me personally though as an exOM When I was involved with the EA, I didn't know anything about affairs beyond what was presented in movies, etc. All I knew was that at that moment for a year, I was happy with everything. No definite promises, just happy spending time talking and expressing with my exMW. Everything changed when the EA became a PA over the course of what began as a innocent meeting up for the first time and then it ended abruptly when she realized she made a mistake, not necessarily with me but because of how everything was handled. It's taken me the better part of 4 months to figure all this out on my own, without her writing me or contacting me when there was NC established. Even now, there is a part of me that would love to hear from her, sure but I know whatever healing I have made up to now would be diminished if she contacted me again. So, as someone from the other side, who is not a MM but rather a young 20 something year old, I'd say it's better to leave it be, if in the future, your paths cross again for whatever reason down the road when there is enough distance and you truly feel like talking to this person, go for it, by all means but if you know like I do that you'll feel pain, then just nod your head and cheerish the good from the bad and be content with who you are as a whole. Best of luck, dear. -FC
findingnemo Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Ok, I'm going to quote myself now and call myself out! Obviously I didn't tell him all my thoughts because I never mentioned to him the possibility writing a letter to xOM. I know better now. The lesson I've learned is if I think my H won't approve, I won't do it!!! Yes, yes. In sits like these, you need to tell the truth and you did. I don't think you need to tell him every single thought you have about xOM subsequently. There must be a point at which too much information starts to work against you. Since you were just experiencing some sort of "hangover", imagine the trouble you would be in today had you mentioned the need to say goodbye. Good call, you are doing good!!
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Yes, yes. In sits like these, you need to tell the truth and you did. I don't think you need to tell him every single thought you have about xOM subsequently. There must be a point at which too much information starts to work against you. Since you were just experiencing some sort of "hangover", imagine the trouble you would be in today had you mentioned the need to say goodbye. Good call, you are doing good!! I agree with this. No good would come out of that. I guess what I meant is if I were to consider contacting xOM for any reason at all, I'd tell my H. As far as memories and all that, no, I don't want to hurt my H anymore than he's already hurting. I hate that I betrayed him. It's still hard getting past that reality.
neveragain1 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Just so you all know, I will not be contacting xOM at all. well thats good. because if you did, you would have just threw your husband's forgiveness and willingness to stay married to you in the trash.
neveragain1 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 impossible without continuing to disrespect your spouses. would you want your H to be good friends with a woman he jumped in bed with? NO I wouldn't. xOM didn't care about my H at all...obviously I know you are seeing the light and that you are doing what any true remorseful cheater(which are few and far between) out there are doing to make things up to your more than understanding husband. But you really can't make the comment about your xOM not caring about your husband. you were in the same bed with him, pun intended.
Calif_hope Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) Janey, when I read the first post on this thread, i was worried, reading down the post I was relieved that you maintained the NC. The facts as you posted is that the OM has cheated on his W, three times including you, I would guess the number is more than three. No respect for marriage, the OM has NO HONOR! Frankly I would bet that he already has targeted the next gullible and vulnerable married woman... Janey, the man is sick and hate to say this, you are probely just another "notch" on his bed post....a fix for his ego and illness. Take care of yourself and your marriage! Edited February 24, 2011 by Calif_hope
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Janey, when I read the first post on this thread, i was worried, reading down the post I was relieved that you maintained the NC. The facts as you posted is that the OM has cheated on his W, three times including you, I would guess the number is more than three. No respect for marriage, the OM has NO HONOR! Frankly I would bet that he already has targeted the next gullible and vulnerable married woman... Janey, the man is sick and hate to say this, you are probely just another "notch" on his bed post....a fix for his ego and illness. Take care of yourself and your marriage! Yeah, his situation is a little complex. He is technically married but hasn't lived at home in two years. He left after the 2nd time he cheated. He and his wife just haven't filed for divorce. He said he "eventually" wants to go back to her. I hope, unless he makes drastic changes, he doesn't. He said he'd probably cheat on her again but he's also the type that believes it's ok to love several people at once. Yeah, I had a real winner there.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 I know you are seeing the light and that you are doing what any true remorseful cheater(which are few and far between) out there are doing to make things up to your more than understanding husband. But you really can't make the comment about your xOM not caring about your husband. you were in the same bed with him, pun intended. What do you mean I can't make the comment that my xOM didn't care about my H? He didn't care about my husband. What I was saying is during the affair, because we were already disrespecting my H, I guess he thought I could continue to disrespect him after the affair ended. Maybe I thought that too at the time if I was worried about going back to xOM. All I can say is I don't think that way anymore. Yet even then I knew NC would be the only way to make my marraige work. xOM just didn't understand that. He thought we'd be ok being friends. I knew better.
ver13 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 You have done the right thing by maintaining the NC with xOM the last thing that you need right now is for your H to find out that you in some way are not on the path to recommitment to your M. The whole xOM thing is just that X it's done and you ended it the way it was mean't to be. I mean how could you move on with your H if you can't let go of something that was caustic to your M. If I knew that my wife was talking to the xOM after I told him that we didn't need his input in our relationship anymore it would be a deal breaker for sure. This way not matter what happens you know that when the time came you did what you could to make amends with your H. An if it doesn't workout for you guy's at least you stopped the deception and tried to be someone that is accountable for their actions rather then a pretender.
fooled once Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I still don't know if I should be posting on the infidelity side, but I'm too tired to deal with some of the responses I get there. Here's what's getting me down. When I confessed to my H about the affair, I had just been with xOM the day before. I had been e-mailing him that morning. I still had no idea I was actually going to confess that night. So after I confessed, I sent xOM an e-mail telling him what I did. I told him that I had to. My H knew something was wrong and I couldn't live that way anymore. I can't help but feel bad for just ending things with xOM without warning and then telling him after the fact through an e-mail, never to see or talk to him again. We had always planned to end it together and go our separate ways (silly now that I think about it...how many affairs end that way?) That night, all I cared about was saving my marriage. All I cared about was taking my H's pain away. That's all I cared about for a while. Now I wonder about xOM and how he handled forced NC. I know he had his share of problems, but so did I. Looking back, I believe he did love me. I just wonder if he realizes how I had to tell my H so that I could stop living a lie and try to save my marriage because I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I told xOM many times that when we did stop seeing each other, I'd have to go NC because I knew I'd be too weak to be around him and not want to be with him. He never agreed with that. He thought that we should stay friends and stay in LC when the time came. What I wonder is, does he deserve an explanation? Maybe he understands why I had to do what I had to do. There are so many maybes. My H talked to him last, and told him never to contact me again. I would imagine that he realized that goes for me too. Sometimes I feel like I want to write him a letter explaning why I confessed when I did, but I know I can't do that. I guess I just have to hope that he can move on and learn not to get involved with a married woman again. I do feel bad about it though. I don't know why. He cheated on his wife a few years back...twice...and got caught twice. So I guess he knew to expect the unexpected in our relationship. I guess he had to leave an OW the same way. The difference is he went back to his OW, and I will not go back no matter how weak or broken hearted I get. I have come too far. I'm rambling again...sorry. I was going to respond, but when I kept reading this post, I saw so many others said it so much better..... You know you're not rambling again. You're still pining for the guy. Sorry to be harsh but you can't expect things to get better with this going on. Don't do it! That would be HUGELY, GROTESQUELY, DISRESPECTFUL to your Husband, who seems to be taking the high road towards forgiveness and reconciliation. That is a gift Janey you may never get again. Do you think your H will understand your 'feeling badly' about how you let the OM down? How you just ended it to preserve your M without closure to your affair partner? Feeling badly at the poor treatment of others by one's own actions is human, decent, and normal. To act on that feeling and contact the OM in any way shape or form is taking a risk that could end your marriage, IMO. Your husband gave you a second chance. Don't throw it away. Many people don't get a second chance. You're one of the lucky ones. ditto to all the above. You don't need someone else to give you closure. That comes from within. To me, it actually sounded like you were trying to devise a way to see him...one more time. If you have chosen to stay married to your husband and be true and respectful of him, then seeing the MM one more time for 'closure' would show that you truly aren't ready to stay married and be true and respectful of your H who decided to give you a second chance. Glad that you have realized seeing him/contacting him really isn't the right thing; at least if you want to stay married.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I was going to respond, but when I kept reading this post, I saw so many others said it so much better..... ditto to all the above. You don't need someone else to give you closure. That comes from within. To me, it actually sounded like you were trying to devise a way to see him...one more time. If you have chosen to stay married to your husband and be true and respectful of him, then seeing the MM one more time for 'closure' would show that you truly aren't ready to stay married and be true and respectful of your H who decided to give you a second chance. Glad that you have realized seeing him/contacting him really isn't the right thing; at least if you want to stay married. I can promise you this isn't true. That's why I wanted to send a letter through the mail. I do not want to see him at all. I wanted him to know why I did what I did, but I've come to my senses now. I'm not going to stop being transparent to my H just send a letter that won't amount to anything anyway.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I can promise you this isn't true. That's why I wanted to send a letter through the mail. I do not want to see him at all. I wanted him to know why I did what I did, but I've come to my senses now. I'm not going to stop being transparent to my H just send a letter that won't amount to anything anyway. Another thing to think about though, he may not want to hear from you. You have no idea. Sending him a letter or email might set HIM back from the progress he's made. He may be so mad or upset that you reached out to him. And, he may contact you, pursue you again, even though you have no intention of starting things up again, HE may think it's a sign, reguardless of what's said in the letter. You have no way of knowing either way. Don't contact him.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 To me, it actually sounded like you were trying to devise a way to see him...one more time. That's what I thought to. Shouldn't be writing letters period. This is why I say this woman better quit while she can. Only so much disrespect a man can take. She has a gift that many wouldn't give out and she's about to throw it back in the man's face.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I can promise you this isn't true. That's why I wanted to send a letter through the mail. I do not want to see him at all. I wanted him to know why I did what I did, but I've come to my senses now. I'm not going to stop being transparent to my H just send a letter that won't amount to anything anyway. You know you didn't want to see him for "closure." You knew seeing him or being in any type of contact with him would have you chasing him full-throttle again. We're not stupid. This is why I've been questioning your motives. Do you really care about your M? Seriously, you need to ask yourself that and think really hard because you're heading down a slippery slope.
BB07 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 You know you didn't want to see him for "closure." You knew seeing him or being in any type of contact with him would have you chasing him full-throttle again. We're not stupid. This is why I've been questioning your motives. Do you really care about your M? Seriously, you need to ask yourself that and think really hard because you're heading down a slippery slope. Janey seems to care very much about her marriage and she is doing the right thing. Keeping her no contact and venting/ speaking out here if she needs to. BTW, it would be nice if she could wrap it all up in a box and throw it away in the river and never have to think about any of it again but it doesn't work that way. This is r/l and she is doing the best she can. Some people want to give her so much grief I'm afraid that she'll be discouraged from sharing her true feelings and her true feelings is what she should be sharing here at LS. BTW.........her thoughts and her feelings were just that, she did NOT act on them. The lady gets it!
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 BTW, it would be nice if she could wrap it all up in a box and throw it away in the river and never have to think about any of it again but it doesn't work that way. This is r/l and she is doing the best she can. It can actually. Some people want to give her so much grief I'm afraid that she'll be discouraged from sharing her true feelings and her true feelings is what she should be sharing here at LS. BTW.........her thoughts and her feelings were just that, she did NOT act on them. The lady gets it! No one is trying to give her grief but she was very close to sending that letter. If she knows what she's doing is wrong then why is she still doing this! Keep it up and those "true feelings" will get her in trouble. Hey, just sayin.
BB07 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 It can actually. No one is trying to give her grief but she was very close to sending that letter. If she knows what she's doing is wrong then why is she still doing this! Keep it up and those "true feelings" will get her in trouble. Hey, just sayin. She has to find a way to deal with the feelings. Push them away till they happen less and less. Her logical self knows she can't contact OM and she has remained strong so far. I continue to wish that she doesn't give in and contact him. No good will come from it. I think deep down she knows this, but she is human and has weak moments. Just as long as she doesn't act on it, she will get past it.
findingnemo Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Janey seems to care very much about her marriage and she is doing the right thing. Keeping her no contact and venting/ speaking out here if she needs to. BTW, it would be nice if she could wrap it all up in a box and throw it away in the river and never have to think about any of it again but it doesn't work that way. This is r/l and she is doing the best she can. Some people want to give her so much grief I'm afraid that she'll be discouraged from sharing her true feelings and her true feelings is what she should be sharing here at LS. BTW.........her thoughts and her feelings were just that, she did NOT act on them. The lady gets it! BB07, I got the same impression when I read the first post. I thought that maybe she really wanted to see xOM again and couldn't understand why she would feel that way after doing everything she can to save her marriage. Sometimes we actually delude ourselves into thinking of "noble" reasons to do the wrong thing. But her subsequent posts changed my mind. You have perfectly analyzed the situation and have the ability to see it for what it is. JaneyAmazed, You are in a war and need to fight each thought like it is a mini-battle. If you need to vent, post here. As long as you maintain NC and do everything possible to get xOM out of your head, you will give your M a chance. My verdict: You are winning.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 She has to find a way to deal with the feelings. Push them away till they happen less and less. Her logical self knows she can't contact OM and she has remained strong so far. I continue to wish that she doesn't give in and contact him. No good will come from it. I think deep down she knows this, but she is human and has weak moments. Just as long as she doesn't act on it, she will get past it. Okay. Let's bow our heads in prayer.
BB07 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Okay. Let's bow our heads in prayer. And that means what? Are you bored Distant? No one around to listen to your sermons??
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Are you bored Distant? No one around to listen to your sermons?? Yea I am. Fiance is sleep so no play time. Just thought you might need the word of God for a change, since you're the one listening to my "sermons.";)
neveragain1 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 What do you mean I can't make the comment that my xOM didn't care about my H? because it takes 2 to tango, and even though you are right, OM didn't care and is a pr!ck in my book, it can be said that because you cheated on your H that you don't care about him either. So while you can say it, you don't have the moral high ground to do so without applying the same to yourself. I know you are in a different place now, but you still have feelings for the OM and it shows, which is something your husband shouldn't have to put up with in a wife, whether he know or not.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 because it takes 2 to tango, and even though you are right, OM didn't care and is a pr!ck in my book, it can be said that because you cheated on your H that you don't care about him either. So while you can say it, you don't have the moral high ground to do so without applying the same to yourself. Right. Of course the man didn't give a **** about him. She offered it up. I know you are in a different place now, but you still have feelings for the OM and it shows, which is something your husband shouldn't have to put up with in a wife, whether he know or not. Best advice in town.
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