JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I still don't know if I should be posting on the infidelity side, but I'm too tired to deal with some of the responses I get there. Here's what's getting me down. When I confessed to my H about the affair, I had just been with xOM the day before. I had been e-mailing him that morning. I still had no idea I was actually going to confess that night. So after I confessed, I sent xOM an e-mail telling him what I did. I told him that I had to. My H knew something was wrong and I couldn't live that way anymore. I can't help but feel bad for just ending things with xOM without warning and then telling him after the fact through an e-mail, never to see or talk to him again. We had always planned to end it together and go our separate ways (silly now that I think about it...how many affairs end that way?) That night, all I cared about was saving my marriage. All I cared about was taking my H's pain away. That's all I cared about for a while. Now I wonder about xOM and how he handled forced NC. I know he had his share of problems, but so did I. Looking back, I believe he did love me. I just wonder if he realizes how I had to tell my H so that I could stop living a lie and try to save my marriage because I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I told xOM many times that when we did stop seeing each other, I'd have to go NC because I knew I'd be too weak to be around him and not want to be with him. He never agreed with that. He thought that we should stay friends and stay in LC when the time came. What I wonder is, does he deserve an explanation? Maybe he understands why I had to do what I had to do. There are so many maybes. My H talked to him last, and told him never to contact me again. I would imagine that he realized that goes for me too. Sometimes I feel like I want to write him a letter explaning why I confessed when I did, but I know I can't do that. I guess I just have to hope that he can move on and learn not to get involved with a married woman again. I do feel bad about it though. I don't know why. He cheated on his wife a few years back...twice...and got caught twice. So I guess he knew to expect the unexpected in our relationship. I guess he had to leave an OW the same way. The difference is he went back to his OW, and I will not go back no matter how weak or broken hearted I get. I have come too far. I'm rambling again...sorry.
SoMovinOn Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Wow. You have a pretty tough road ahead of you. I wish you the best and hope it works out for you and your H. xOM... he'll deal with it. He has no other choice.
BB07 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Affairs leave so many loose ends don't they Janey? In your situation you know you can't do that, you can't tell him why things went like they did, but since you talked about it beforehand it probably does have a good idea of what happened. He's a big boy Janey, just like you and I both are big girls and there comes a time when we accept that there are many questions that will never be answered. It's just the way it is. Also........no one can give us closure, that is up to us to find on our own. Keep hanging in there.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Your OM (I assume he's MM or was MM) has had affairs before so he knows and understands the affair dynamic. Honestly, I think you're worrying too much about what he thinks/feels. He knows. You told him that you'd have to go NC before you even confessed to your H. The OM didn't want that, know why? Because it wasn't best for him, even though NC was best for you. He isn't thinking of your H and the affect it has on your family, your kids..Or you..He is thinking of himself. Leave it alone. The A is over and you've worked hard to get to where you are now. Opening that door again will hurt your husband and his feelings are more important than the OM's feelings. Maybe some will disagree with me, but I as I mentioned before, your OM isn't new to the affair dynamic. Also, when people get involved in affairs, there is pain all around. I'm sure he's accepted this and moved on the best he can, so don't open that door.
PurpleReign Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Why did you feel the need to tell your husband?
Distant78 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I still don't know if I should be posting on the infidelity side, but I'm too tired to deal with some of the responses I get there. Here's what's getting me down. When I confessed to my H about the affair, I had just been with xOM the day before. I had been e-mailing him that morning. I still had no idea I was actually going to confess that night. So after I confessed, I sent xOM an e-mail telling him what I did. I told him that I had to. My H knew something was wrong and I couldn't live that way anymore. I can't help but feel bad for just ending things with xOM without warning and then telling him after the fact through an e-mail, never to see or talk to him again. We had always planned to end it together and go our separate ways (silly now that I think about it...how many affairs end that way?) That night, all I cared about was saving my marriage. All I cared about was taking my H's pain away. That's all I cared about for a while. Now I wonder about xOM and how he handled forced NC. I know he had his share of problems, but so did I. Looking back, I believe he did love me. I just wonder if he realizes how I had to tell my H so that I could stop living a lie and try to save my marriage because I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I told xOM many times that when we did stop seeing each other, I'd have to go NC because I knew I'd be too weak to be around him and not want to be with him. He never agreed with that. He thought that we should stay friends and stay in LC when the time came. What I wonder is, does he deserve an explanation? Maybe he understands why I had to do what I had to do. There are so many maybes. My H talked to him last, and told him never to contact me again. I would imagine that he realized that goes for me too. Sometimes I feel like I want to write him a letter explaning why I confessed when I did, but I know I can't do that. I guess I just have to hope that he can move on and learn not to get involved with a married woman again. I do feel bad about it though. I don't know why. He cheated on his wife a few years back...twice...and got caught twice. So I guess he knew to expect the unexpected in our relationship. I guess he had to leave an OW the same way. The difference is he went back to his OW, and I will not go back no matter how weak or broken hearted I get. I have come too far. I'm rambling again...sorry. You know you're not rambling again. You're still pining for the guy. Sorry to be harsh but you can't expect things to get better with this going on.
findingnemo Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I still don't know if I should be posting on the infidelity side, but I'm too tired to deal with some of the responses I get there. Here's what's getting me down. When I confessed to my H about the affair, I had just been with xOM the day before. I had been e-mailing him that morning. I still had no idea I was actually going to confess that night. So after I confessed, I sent xOM an e-mail telling him what I did. I told him that I had to. My H knew something was wrong and I couldn't live that way anymore. I can't help but feel bad for just ending things with xOM without warning and then telling him after the fact through an e-mail, never to see or talk to him again. We had always planned to end it together and go our separate ways (silly now that I think about it...how many affairs end that way?) That night, all I cared about was saving my marriage. All I cared about was taking my H's pain away. That's all I cared about for a while. Now I wonder about xOM and how he handled forced NC. I know he had his share of problems, but so did I. Looking back, I believe he did love me. I just wonder if he realizes how I had to tell my H so that I could stop living a lie and try to save my marriage because I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I told xOM many times that when we did stop seeing each other, I'd have to go NC because I knew I'd be too weak to be around him and not want to be with him. He never agreed with that. He thought that we should stay friends and stay in LC when the time came. What I wonder is, does he deserve an explanation? Maybe he understands why I had to do what I had to do. There are so many maybes. My H talked to him last, and told him never to contact me again. I would imagine that he realized that goes for me too. Sometimes I feel like I want to write him a letter explaning why I confessed when I did, but I know I can't do that. I guess I just have to hope that he can move on and learn not to get involved with a married woman again. I do feel bad about it though. I don't know why. He cheated on his wife a few years back...twice...and got caught twice. So I guess he knew to expect the unexpected in our relationship. I guess he had to leave an OW the same way. The difference is he went back to his OW, and I will not go back no matter how weak or broken hearted I get. I have come too far. I'm rambling again...sorry. JaneyAmazed, Telling your H was courageous and not many people can put themselves in that position. You said you did it to save your marriage and that you only cared about your H and helping him cope with the news. Wow. That must have been hard!! You obviously treasure your M. So how come I sense that your problem is not just that you didn't end things with xOM in a face-to-face? A face-to-face would have been the polite thing to do but does it ever happen? You said xOM loved you. Did you love him? You seem like a person who isn't comfortable living a double life. I'm sensing conflicting emotions from you. Please don't address this if it is too personal. It's just that you seem to be in too much pain for this to be merely worrying about a proper exit. I wish you the best with your M.
East7 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Hi Janey, it sounds like you are very honest with your feelings without the denial that I have noticed at some previous posts That's very positive ! It is always painful to let go someone who entered in your life. The guilt you feel is because you had feelings for xMOM, but let's say it: he was a cake-eater too. If your xOM was single it would have been different. I agree with BB07 though, he is a big boy, he has done that before. He will move on. Maybe he hates you for the way you ended it. So what ? You never promised anything to each-other as far as I know. Men like to simplify things without over-analyzing. Bottom-line is that he knows you chose your marriage and that's all he needs to know as closure. There is no nice way to end a relationship ! Maybe writing him a letter would ease your guilt, but it won't make a big difference for him.
Spark1111 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Don't do it! That would be HUGELY, GROTESQUELY, DISRESPECTFUL to your Husband, who seems to be taking the high road towards forgiveness and reconciliation. That is a gift Janey you may never get again. Do you think your H will understand your 'feeling badly' about how you let the OM down? How you just ended it to preserve your M without closure to your affair partner? Feeling badly at the poor treatment of others by one's own actions is human, decent, and normal. To act on that feeling and contact the OM in any way shape or form is taking a risk that could end your marriage, IMO.
jthorne Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Don't do it! That would be HUGELY, GROTESQUELY, DISRESPECTFUL to your Husband, who seems to be taking the high road towards forgiveness and reconciliation. That is a gift Janey you may never get again. Do you think your H will understand your 'feeling badly' about how you let the OM down? How you just ended it to preserve your M without closure to your affair partner? Feeling badly at the poor treatment of others by one's own actions is human, decent, and normal. To act on that feeling and contact the OM in any way shape or form is taking a risk that could end your marriage, IMO.I was going to log into say something similar, and here Spark is, to say it better! Janey, please think this through. What will you gain from it, versus what you risk? So you have a "proper goodbye". There will always be things left unsaid or strings left untied. (Is that the proper phrase? Sorry, I have a migraine, so not thinking perfectly clearly. You now what I mean- loose ends!) What if your H found out? Even if he didn't, it's just not worth the risk in hurting him, and damaging your integrity at the same time. Let it go. Your AP is a big boy. He'll get over it.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Some senarios to think about..Hopefully enough to put you off .. ?? 1- You reach out to exOM. He tells you to leave him alone, that he hates you and cannot believe YOU broke NC when all this time he's done NC with you. He'll feel resentment and anger towards you for contacting him after so long. HOW will you feel? 2- You reach out to exOM. He tells you he misses you, loves you and not a day has passed that he hasn't thought about you. It's his dream come true that you've contacted him. He pushes you into seeing him, and makes a move on you, kisses you. HOW will you will? What would you do? 3- You reach out to exOM, he is shocked that you contacted him, and tells you he doesn't care either way, he's moved on and leave him alone. How will you feel? 4 - You reach out to exOM. He gets angry and immediately calls your husband to tell him that YOU broke NC. How will you feel? How do you justify this to your husband? Let this go..Opening that door is only asking and inviting trouble into your life. Make your own closure and be at peace with it. The exOM is fine, he's a grown man, as we've all said.. He was fine before you came into his life and I'm sure he's fine now. Sorry to ask, but is there a part of you that hopes he's pining over you and missing you? not that you want the A back, but because of how things ended, you never got that final goodbye? I ask this in a respecful way..
Star_Bright Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Hi Janey, your post sounds so sad. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think your exMM will be fine. He's been around the block, he knows how it goes. It reminds me of when I first started seeing exMM, he told me that he had had affairs on his first wife before (he ultimately left his first wife for one of his OWs that he ended up marrying... and was cheating on that second wife with me), he said, "What I learned about having affairs was that they have to end." He was trying to warn me, I guess (although later he claimed to be madly in love with me and claimed to want to really be with me), but he was also trying to warn himself, I think... because it seems to me like people who have repeated affairs KNOW the risks and dangers and downsides and yet they do it anyway, either because they can't help themselves, or because the highs are worth the lows, or something. Anyway my point is he has BTDT and he knows that this was bound to happen, or at least he knows there was always a really good chance of it happening. I'm way more worried for you than for xOM. You sound very down about it. Sorry I haven't been following your story... how long has it been since you confessed and went NC? I think you should trust your choices. You did it that way for a reason. Something inside you knew you had to cut ties, rip the bandaid, etc. You had to tell your husband (which seems like it was a good idea not just for honesty's sake but also because now he is "helping" you stay NC with exMM and therefore reinforcing your choice), and to end the affair. My other piece of advice is to just try to remember that you can't have everything. If you want a stronger, loving, honest relationship with your husband, you can't have anything else to do with exMM, ever. No contact at all or it will tear down everything you've started to rebuild by telling your husband and ending the affair. You'll be back at square 1. And if you don't want to be with your husband, then there's no reason to pine away in misery for an ended affair... go live your own life. Either way, it's one road or the other, so just tell yourself you chose a road and you are staying on it, or it's time to go down a different road, but, be consistent and true to yourself. That's my advice and I hope it helps. I rather envy you for having a loving husband (it sounds like, anyway) who is staying with you through this and trying to help you (again, it sounds like). I only had myself (well, and LS, and some good friends/family members who supported me) and still only have myself and I think it would be nice to have someone who loved me unconditionally like that, even though I had hurt him. So I guess there's another piece of advice, to try to be grateful for your husband and think about him instead of exMM when possible. Good luck.
neveragain1 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I can't help but feel bad for just ending things with xOM without warning and then telling him after the fact through an e-mail, never to see or talk to him again. Unless you lied to him about being married, then thats just too bad for him. He knew you are married and didn't have any qualms about bedding down someone elses wife. he knew what he was doing. and there is a HUGE chance that you ending it was a relief for him. I told xOM many times that when we did stop seeing each other, I'd have to go NC because I knew I'd be too weak to be around him and not want to be with him. thats not the main reason you should go NC with an AP. main reason is any contact would be disrespecting your husband. He never agreed with that. He thought that we should stay friends and stay in LC when the time came. impossible without continuing to disrespect your spouses. would you want your H to be good friends with a woman he jumped in bed with? What I wonder is, does he deserve an explanation? no. he knew you were married. and if you end up contacting him for ANYTHING, then you just dissed your husband. your husband has been MORE than understanding and is willing to forgive you. don't slap him in the face by contacting the other man. Maybe he understands why I had to do what I had to do. There are so many maybes. My H talked to him last, and told him never to contact me again. and there is your answer.
flowergirl77 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 And yet another scenario...or two.. You meet "one last time" to say good bye at a nearby pub, but it feels so damn good to be with this person, and it causes such pain at the same time, knowing you can not continue both relationships, someone has got to go. Your H finds out where you are with OM, and shows up guns a blazin' and drags you out of the place making a huge scene, punching the door, braking his hand on the way out..Yup happened to me! THEN..if that wasn't enough "closure" I called xOM 2 months later, to check in, say hi...that my H and I are working things out, and are doing well. I asked him to meet me for coffee to "say good bye" as last time didn't end well, and I wanted to have one last chance to end things properly. He annonomously Facebooked my H later that day, that I had called him, and asked him to meet me! If you haven't already read that thread-I thought a friend of mine did it, but she denied it (he denied it too) but in any case..an innocent little phone call caused a whole lotta backlash and opened the wounds for my H all over again..and mine too. So, it has come to mind...I need to hear from him if, and why he did that. I suspect it was to destroy my MG so I would come running to him.....but this is speculation.I will never know for sure, haven't contacted him since. That was my closure..and finding out through a friend he is getting busy with someone new! I believe there is no closure with affairs-it is something we have to do within ourselves.
20Seconds Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 When someone ends a relationship, no matter how they do it, it is closure and allows the other person to move on. They may be angry, hurt, sad, all those things, but they know the decision has been made, and they get over it. He will be fine. Receiving mixed messages from someone - which is what it would be - "I can;t see you but I still want to know you are OK / explain / have another little second of time with you" - is far more painful to deal with. It's probably way kinder on him if you don;t Good luck with everything.
kuma Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Your husband gave you a second chance. Don't throw it away. Many people don't get a second chance. You're one of the lucky ones.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Thank you all for your help. I actually do see things a little clearer today. The past week I've been in a funk. Just so you all know, I will not be contacting xOM at all. Writing a letter was just an idea that I trashed quickly. I thought I needed proper closure, but I know in my heart, there is no closure. My H closed it and he should have and deserved to. It takes a while to get someone out of your system once you've let them in. I'm going through the healing process and it hurts. Yeah, maybe I do pine for xOM once in a while, but not as much as I think about my H. He and I talk so much more than we used to, and I realize everyday how much I love him and how good he is. He is such a good man. I have been given a second chance, and I feel like crap when my mind wants to relive the past and worry about things that don't matter anymore. I just got through reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and this line really helped me... "I could feel all this old pain of lost love and past mistakes attenuating before my eyes, diminishing at last through the famous healing powers of time, patience and the grace of God." I do believe that time, patience and the grace of God will heal me. In the meantime, I am going to be true and honest to my H. I am NOT going to worry about xOM anymore. I may "pine" for him once in a while, but that will diminish. Actually, the more I thought about it today, the more I like the idea of him not knowing about me and me not knowing anything about him. What good would it do? None. The bottom line is, he is in no way, shape or form part of my life anymore. He chose to get involved with a married woman. I never lied to him or made him believe anything other than one day it would end. We both knew that we'd never be together and it was just a matter of time before it would end. I really mean this when I say your responses just sealed what I already knew in my heart. He is a big boy. If I can deal with all I've had to deal with, so can he. I wasn't prepared at all for any of what I've gone through in the last couple of months. No one is really prepared for an affair and all the mess it makes.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Affairs leave so many loose ends don't they Janey? In your situation you know you can't do that, you can't tell him why things went like they did, but since you talked about it beforehand it probably does have a good idea of what happened. He's a big boy Janey, just like you and I both are big girls and there comes a time when we accept that there are many questions that will never be answered. It's just the way it is. Also........no one can give us closure, that is up to us to find on our own. Keep hanging in there. I will, BB07. Thanks for your wisdom as always.
Distant78 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I wasn't prepared at all for any of what I've gone through in the last couple of months. So it just happened right? Out of the blue? No one is really prepared for an affair and all the mess it makes. "Prepare for an affair?" Seriously how do you do that? That "pining" will get you in trouble.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 You know you're not rambling again. You're still pining for the guy. Sorry to be harsh but you can't expect things to get better with this going on. I can expect things to get better because my H and I are working on our marriage. I am honest with about everything now, even my thoughts. I love my husband so much more than I ever loved xOM. I do pine for him once in while, but that will go away. If I didn't love my H, I wouldn't be with him. I'd just respect him enough to let him move on. He deserves nothing but the truth from me and nothing but my love. If I didn't think I could be honest and love him, I wouldn't stay married to him. I respect him too much to betray him in anyway again. He knows my current struggle. He knows I have thoughts of xOM sometimes, but he also knows that's normal and those thoughts will fade. They just come in waves. We are both trying to heal, but we love each other enough to get through this together.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Hi Janey, it sounds like you are very honest with your feelings without the denial that I have noticed at some previous posts That's very positive ! It is always painful to let go someone who entered in your life. The guilt you feel is because you had feelings for xMOM, but let's say it: he was a cake-eater too. If your xOM was single it would have been different. I agree with BB07 though, he is a big boy, he has done that before. He will move on. Maybe he hates you for the way you ended it. So what ? You never promised anything to each-other as far as I know. Men like to simplify things without over-analyzing. Bottom-line is that he knows you chose your marriage and that's all he needs to know as closure. There is no nice way to end a relationship ! Maybe writing him a letter would ease your guilt, but it won't make a big difference for him. I love hearing from you East. It always helps to get a guy's perspective. I never thought about the fact that men like to simplify without over-analyzing. I am over-analyzer and that's an understatement! As I said in my other post, we both knew it would have to end. He would also ask if it's too much for me. He knew it was very hard for me to live that way. I'm sure he knows I just couldn't take it anymore. He knew I was having serious marital problems at the time. I had been fighting a lot with my H. The more I think about it, the more I think he probably saw it coming.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 I was going to log into say something similar, and here Spark is, to say it better! Janey, please think this through. What will you gain from it, versus what you risk? So you have a "proper goodbye". There will always be things left unsaid or strings left untied. (Is that the proper phrase? Sorry, I have a migraine, so not thinking perfectly clearly. You now what I mean- loose ends!) What if your H found out? Even if he didn't, it's just not worth the risk in hurting him, and damaging your integrity at the same time. Let it go. Your AP is a big boy. He'll get over it. You are so right JThorne! There is no proper goodbye. Me writing a letter wouldn't solve anything. Also, you and Spark hit the nail on the head when you say "What if my H found out?" That's what stopped me from wanting to do it. I made a promise to my H when I confessed that I there would be no more lies or secrets. I owe him that. I'm keeping my word. He could give a rat's behind what xOM thinks or feels... xOM had an affair with me and never even apologized. That's the mindset I should have too! Just writing that makes me see it through my H's eyes now.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Some senarios to think about..Hopefully enough to put you off .. ?? 1- You reach out to exOM. He tells you to leave him alone, that he hates you and cannot believe YOU broke NC when all this time he's done NC with you. He'll feel resentment and anger towards you for contacting him after so long. HOW will you feel? 2- You reach out to exOM. He tells you he misses you, loves you and not a day has passed that he hasn't thought about you. It's his dream come true that you've contacted him. He pushes you into seeing him, and makes a move on you, kisses you. HOW will you will? What would you do? 3- You reach out to exOM, he is shocked that you contacted him, and tells you he doesn't care either way, he's moved on and leave him alone. How will you feel? 4 - You reach out to exOM. He gets angry and immediately calls your husband to tell him that YOU broke NC. How will you feel? How do you justify this to your husband? Let this go..Opening that door is only asking and inviting trouble into your life. Make your own closure and be at peace with it. The exOM is fine, he's a grown man, as we've all said.. He was fine before you came into his life and I'm sure he's fine now. Sorry to ask, but is there a part of you that hopes he's pining over you and missing you? not that you want the A back, but because of how things ended, you never got that final goodbye? I ask this in a respecful way.. Thanks for the scenarios. I actually wasn't going to reach out to him other than send him a letter in the mail so he couldn't respond back. I would never go to him, call him or e-mail him. Now, I realize I would never contact him at all even if he can't reply. As far as hoping he's pining over me, I don't know how I feel about that. He told me a while back it would take him a while to get over me when things end. I'm not sure if it did or not, but it doesn't matter. I do think he misses me. We e-mailed and texted very often. He became my best friend. No matter what, it really doesn't matter anymore. I'm just thankful my H loves me enough to stick with me.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Unless you lied to him about being married, then thats just too bad for him. He knew you are married and didn't have any qualms about bedding down someone elses wife. he knew what he was doing. and there is a HUGE chance that you ending it was a relief for him. I thought about that! If it wasn't a relief to him then, I hope it is now. thats not the main reason you should go NC with an AP. main reason is any contact would be disrespecting your husband. Of course I know that now, but he never cared about disrespecting my H. At the time, I was so used to disrespecting my husband. That's another thing I'm so ashamed of now. impossible without continuing to disrespect your spouses. would you want your H to be good friends with a woman he jumped in bed with? NO I wouldn't. xOM didn't care about my H at all...obviously no. he knew you were married. and if you end up contacting him for ANYTHING, then you just dissed your husband. your husband has been MORE than understanding and is willing to forgive you. don't slap him in the face by contacting the other man. This is so true, and I know it. I will not disrespect my H anymore. and there is your answer. Thanks for the wakeup call. LS really does help me when I have those weak, stupid moments.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 I can expect things to get better because my H and I are working on our marriage. I am honest with about everything now, even my thoughts. I love my husband so much more than I ever loved xOM. I do pine for him once in while, but that will go away. If I didn't love my H, I wouldn't be with him. I'd just respect him enough to let him move on. He deserves nothing but the truth from me and nothing but my love. If I didn't think I could be honest and love him, I wouldn't stay married to him. I respect him too much to betray him in anyway again. He knows my current struggle. He knows I have thoughts of xOM sometimes, but he also knows that's normal and those thoughts will fade. They just come in waves. We are both trying to heal, but we love each other enough to get through this together. Ok, I'm going to quote myself now and call myself out! Obviously I didn't tell him all my thoughts because I never mentioned to him the possibility writing a letter to xOM. I know better now. The lesson I've learned is if I think my H won't approve, I won't do it!!!
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