Cora Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) I would have posted this on the breaking up forum, except I wasn't actually in a relationship so it can't be a break up. Anyway, I've been on and off with this guy for two years now. I developed deep feelings for him. I thought we actually had something, but I guess I was wearing the rose colored glasses too long. He did a really good job of making me think he cared. He was so sweet and romantic and we had some really good times. I was there with him through the death of a friend and he was there with me when I lost my job. He was so caring and kind. We would talk for hours. I asked him not too long ago what he wanted? In the beginning he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.....I was. He told me recently that he was considering more with me. Told me how much he cared for me etc. I believed him. I guess he was only stringing me along. I should have known better and I know I'm to blame as well for holding on to him for all this time. Well, he hasn't been in contact for awhile and has become very distant. I finally text him tonight asking him what's wrong and if everything was okay? His response: I'm sorry, but I have a girlfriend now. I didn't want to hurt you. OUCH! He didn't want to hurt me? If he didn't want to hurt me, why couldn't he have just told me this in the beginning instead of disappearing and not talking to me? I am hurt. He's not coming back this time and I feel like I've lost someone dear to me. My heart is completely broken to know the real reason he didn't want me as his girlfriend wasn't because he was too busy, but because he wasn't feeling it for me. Now all I can think about is him and her together. This sucks. Edited February 23, 2011 by Cora
Bluebelle38 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I feel your pain, a very similar thing happened to me although he didnt have a new partner... wont go into it but we were long distance. You havent lost a dear friend. You have lost a selfish coward. You have to get tough here and learn from this experience. In future if a guy cant give you what you want, you leave. Dont hang around waiting for him to suddenly recognise he wants a relationship. he treated you appalingly, focus on that. Do your damndest to put him out of your mind. He is not worthy of you. Seriously, you need a man not a boy that hides behind texts. xx
glimmer Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I can imagine how painful this must be for you, hoping that things would turn into more than friends and an offical/committed relationship. It really stinks that the guy apparently continued to date around and found someone else he feels he's more compatible with. Sucks, but there is someone better for you out there. May I ask a question for clarification? Were you and this man spending time together in person or was this an LD/internet/phone friendship?
radiodarcy Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) ouch! i'm really sorry to hear that. i went through pretty much an identical situation with someone as well. things got thorny when he started hanging out with another girl; to make a long story short there was a big blow up, he told me to move on and i went NC for three months. about two weeks ago he hit me up - - we started IM'ing/texting every day and then last thursday he stopped responding and i haven't heard from him since. i know a week doesn't sound like a big deal but this is a guy who - - for the most part never let more than two days go by without making some form of contact. looking back even that didn't mean much, it was just his way of stringing me along until someone better came along. nevertheless, it hurts to be dropped like that and as much as i want to reach out him, i'm not going to. in part because i'm tired of the games but also because if he does have something going on - - i don't want to know about it. i agree with bluebelle, anyone who relies on IM/texting as the sole form of communication isn't much in the way of an adult if they have to hide behind telecommunications like texts and IMs. Edited February 23, 2011 by radiodarcy
WTRanger Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 "I didn't want to hurt you" = I didn't want to hurt myself. As you said, if the really cared he would have be honest and told you the truth. Yes, the truth may have hurt but it's the truth. It hurts but you have to see him for the person he is, not the person he was. He decided his own personal happiness was more important than you. So rather than be a big boy and come clean, he just decided to run away. He figured eventually you'd ask what's up and then he would have his out to tell you. Total coward move by him. He's convinced himself that he was "forced" to tell you since you didn't "get it" from his silence. That's such a load of crap! What's there to get from silence? These are the worst because everything seems right. All of the signs are there. It looks like a relationship, it feels like a relationship, it even sounds like a relationship. It feels like it's going to work, then blammo! here comes the train of reality. In the end, you in a sense have to break up with your own mind.
radiodarcy Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 "I didn't want to hurt you" = I didn't want to hurt myself. As you said, if the really cared he would have be honest and told you the truth. Yes, the truth may have hurt but it's the truth. It hurts but you have to see him for the person he is, not the person he was. He decided his own personal happiness was more important than you. So rather than be a big boy and come clean, he just decided to run away. He figured eventually you'd ask what's up and then he would have his out to tell you. Total coward move by him. He's convinced himself that he was "forced" to tell you since you didn't "get it" from his silence. That's such a load of crap! What's there to get from silence? These are the worst because everything seems right. All of the signs are there. It looks like a relationship, it feels like a relationship, it even sounds like a relationship. It feels like it's going to work, then blammo! here comes the train of reality. In the end, you in a sense have to break up with your own mind. this is why i don't even why i don't even want to reach out to him and would rather stay NC. why should i feed into my own misery by asking and having him verify that he is seeing someone? at the same time i can't help wondering if that makes me just as much of a coward as him. or maybe i'm just overthinking this way too much...
spackle Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I don't think it is a coward to ask where you stand with someone. It's a coward who goes silent when you ask and they can't or won't respond.
Author Cora Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 I can imagine how painful this must be for you, hoping that things would turn into more than friends and an offical/committed relationship. It really stinks that the guy apparently continued to date around and found someone else he feels he's more compatible with. Sucks, but there is someone better for you out there. May I ask a question for clarification? Were you and this man spending time together in person or was this an LD/internet/phone friendship? We initially met online back in 2009 and we started spending just about every weekend together. We were really big movie buffs and would spend our time watching movies together or just sit around talking. I was the first person he called when his best friend passed away and wanted me to come stay with him so he wouldn't feel so alone. We were intimate as well which is where I really messed up. I will never ever again get intimate with a guy unless we are in a relationship. Just assuming things were going that way doesn't cut it. He swore to me up and down that he wasn't seeing anyone else....that I was the only girl for him. I laugh at that now, but yes, at the time I was naive and believed it. Word alone isn't enough to put your trust in. I'll be more careful next time. But yes, most of our communication was through text or IM. He wasn't a phone talker. It was either text, online or in person.
Els Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Cora, I'm so sorry to hear that!!! You totally deserve better than this jerk. Heads up, girl. At least finally he's told you all that's needed for you to move on (albeit a little late) so you can find someone who does deserve you.
Author Cora Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 "I didn't want to hurt you" = I didn't want to hurt myself. As you said, if the really cared he would have be honest and told you the truth. Yes, the truth may have hurt but it's the truth. It hurts but you have to see him for the person he is, not the person he was. He decided his own personal happiness was more important than you. So rather than be a big boy and come clean, he just decided to run away. He figured eventually you'd ask what's up and then he would have his out to tell you. Total coward move by him. He's convinced himself that he was "forced" to tell you since you didn't "get it" from his silence. That's such a load of crap! What's there to get from silence? These are the worst because everything seems right. All of the signs are there. It looks like a relationship, it feels like a relationship, it even sounds like a relationship. It feels like it's going to work, then blammo! here comes the train of reality. In the end, you in a sense have to break up with your own mind. EXACTLY!! You so understand! It's like breaking up with your own mind. Feels like I'm going insane. Everything was literally going great. The last night I saw him he was more romantic than he's ever been....he lit candles and everything. Totally surprised me because he just doen't do things like that. Spent the night in each others arms and fell asleep. After that, then blammo! He totally stops communication. And well, you know the rest.
Author Cora Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Cora, I'm so sorry to hear that!!! You totally deserve better than this jerk. Heads up, girl. At least finally he's told you all that's needed for you to move on (albeit a little late) so you can find someone who does deserve you. Thanks Els! This was the guy who helped me get over my LDR fiasco. I'm sure you remember that one. I should have just walked away before I got hurt, but I didn't. Now it's time to pay the consequences. Maybe one of these days I'll learn. Even though this wasn't really a relationship, it still hurts as if I've just broken up from one. In my mind it was one. I held on and fooled myself for those two years. I have deleted his number from my phone just in case i'd ever be tempted to contact him. I've also deleted all of his texts and pictures. I want to make this as painless as possible and move on as quickly as possible. The less reminders I have of him the better!
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