notagame Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Folks like it or lump it but its not your thread. I sure didn't post up all the advise I thought wasn't fit prior to speaking my own mind on the matter. Initially he talked with her while at work. Was he doing so when he could have been talking to other friends or his wife? No! They didn't work with him and she did. He brought her around and it bothered the wife because she is opposite gendered not because the wife was feeling a reduction in care or time prior to that. He hadn't gone missing or staying late to work. All I initially suggested is they seemed to be trying to include her in the association and she immediately became suspicious of the deal. Gee! That's a warm person for ya! The kind of person that people relax around and continue to share information with. And when she got upset - the co worker withdrew and told the guy to stop contacting her. That truly is the sign of a mate poaching hussy right? Now its a mess. He is trying to be him and minimize flack from a person who wants to watch him like a hawk. An affair could be brewing but now the OP has no baseline to judge from. She went to immediate state of emergency mode. Cripes! The woman doesn't even live local to them now! Her husband must have a super long penis! That's just uncalled for to imply it's somehow her fault her husband is cheating.
sally4sara Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 That's just uncalled for to imply it's somehow her fault her husband is cheating. you don't even know if he is cheating! none of us do!
sally4sara Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 He is cheating darn it! Bringing her in their marital home, contacting a lot, hiding the cell phone, what more could ya ask for? Unexplained hours at work. The woman living local enough to press flesh. Getting nitpicked and neglected because he is involved elsewhere. The woman to not feel comfortable enough over the nature of her association with this guy to enter his marital home. You don't know he is cheating. You just know you could never be in a relationship where enough trust for your partner would have you gaining new friends through people they meet if those people have the same genitalia as you. You don't believe there is enough valuable assets within you beyond your own genitalia for your spouse to be near someone with similar genitalia and not see you as less than the other person. And that is sad. Truly.
carhill Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 The OP apparently feels their M is better than ever: My husband and my relationship has actually been better than ever and I feel that I am not nagging at him as much realizing maybe I was doing something wrong and using her as a way to vent. Although they talk just as much now as before. He has never changed his attitude towards me or feelings about me. He always asks if something is wrong and not to worry. She has met the woman several times and had conversations: I have met her several times and did talk to her for over an hour on the phone after I found out the first time and she said he is like a brother to her. Her H apparently exhibited few if any behaviors to cause her alarm, save for lack of transparency about phone/text/e-mail conversations: During this whole ordeal he has never came home late or made anything else suspicious besides hiding how often they were talking to each other. The marked inappropriateness, and apparently the OP's concerns appears when: She came once and then one other time. She invited him (not him and the OP) over to her families house that she was living at. She came over once when I was out of town but my husband told me that she was coming over. At this point I wanted her to stop visiting and hanging out. She actually was the one to say that I was right and they should not and just talk at work. (Apparently she didn't respect that the OP was 'right'. Well this whole time he was hiding his phone from me and would not let me touch it. (More inappropriate behavior) IMO, had the OP felt included and prioritized, this thread would not exist. As it is, it does, and I hope she'll take the various perspectives and process them into a meaningful plan of action to further strengthen her M. BTW, this scenario reads remarkably like my EA, save for the 'better than ever' M.
dbtmarley Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Ginah, I am a married man. I also have "female friends" at work however, the extent of those relationships goes something along the lines of sharing last nights dinner recipe, showing pictures of the wife and family, and perhaps discussing a sweet deal on a getaway hotel for the weekend...... for me and my wife. I'm not saying your husband cheated but this woman is not part of the deal. Sitting there wondering if he is having an affair has no place in a marriage. You know this and he should too. It is hurtful to be decieved and, no matter how minor, that's what he has done. I would sit him down tonight and tell him it's time to make a choice. Don't give him your details on how you know or what you know. Just sit his A&& down and tell him to come clean and end the chit chat with the girl once and for all. If he balks one bit this is a sign of how he feels about YOU, of exactly how important you really are to him. And no wife should be second to a man's best friend unless it's his dog or fishing pole. Just sayin
NoIDidn't Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 OP, Something is going on. Can't say for certain what it is, but your H shouldn't be hiding his contact with this "friend" from you. She should not be inviting only him to outings when he has a spouse - couples are a package deal when it comes to these kinds of things. My H has always had female friends, and some of them were mutual. But one of our mutual friendships, a friend that I knew first, became a casualty when he proved that he didn't know the priority level of friend vs. spouse. They have both since apologized, but that friendship is over for all of us, or at least has a lot more distance in it than it had before. She used to be welcome to stay with us when she was in town, now she is not. We used to speak weekly, now its barely even once every three years. I see nothing wrong with a spouse having some friends of the opposite sex, but they shouldn't be the bestfriend especially if they weren't that before the marriage took place. I think this woman and your H are likely engaging in an EA. They might not want to call it such, but its textbook EA. Initially your marriage will feel better, but then it will get more and more distant and you won't know why. And ironically, that "friend's" name will come up less and less, until its none at all. But they'll still be there. Talk to your H and let him know your true feelings on the matter. If he continues to insist that he must talk to this woman that doesn't even work with him anymore, you'll have your answer. Sounds like they are trying to carry on right under your nose, if there is an EA here.
2sunny Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 the red flag is there - hiding his calls to his friend. calling while at work. never calling in your presence - it's all sneaky. friends call friend - no matter where they are or who's there. when there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing. so - he knew it was wrong and/or hurtful on some level since he was hiding the time spent in contact with this friend. also - the fact that she would come to the house when OP is gone... not cool. why wouldn't she come over all the time while she's home? friend's do that, ya know? but - she comes while the wife is away... kind of sneaky in my book. either way... since he hasn't give up contact on his own - he shows he's willing to disregard his W's feelings in order to stay in contact with someone = meanwhile knowing it is hurtful to the W and the M. IF he sees her as his priority over you and making you happy = you have a bigger problem than you think. he thinks of himself and his needs over yours - that right there is not a healthy basis for marriage. i wouldn't fo to the game with them. to go and pretend is a lie. to go to check on them being together is sneaky... to go and participate gives your approval for time spent together. all of it creates more negative energy and reinforces them together is not all bad. get a boundary 0 stick to it. if he waivers to please her or him (and not you) is his actions showing you that the M means nothing compared to his friend.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 the red flag is there - hiding his calls to his friend. calling while at work. never calling in your presence - it's all sneaky. friends call friend - no matter where they are or who's there. when there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing. so - he knew it was wrong and/or hurtful on some level since he was hiding the time spent in contact with this friend. also - the fact that she would come to the house when OP is gone... not cool. why wouldn't she come over all the time while she's home? friend's do that, ya know? but - she comes while the wife is away... kind of sneaky in my book. either way... since he hasn't give up contact on his own - he shows he's willing to disregard his W's feelings in order to stay in contact with someone = meanwhile knowing it is hurtful to the W and the M. IF he sees her as his priority over you and making you happy = you have a bigger problem than you think. he thinks of himself and his needs over yours - that right there is not a healthy basis for marriage. i wouldn't fo to the game with them. to go and pretend is a lie. to go to check on them being together is sneaky... to go and participate gives your approval for time spent together. all of it creates more negative energy and reinforces them together is not all bad. get a boundary 0 stick to it. if he waivers to please her or him (and not you) is his actions showing you that the M means nothing compared to his friend. I definitely agree 100%, especially about the part where he had the nerve to bring that woman in their home. What a jerk. OP you know your husband's cheating. Put your foot down and let him know that you will not put up with his lying, disrespectful behavior.
wbr4p Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 hi op sort of the same thing happened to me years ago. my boyfriends sister has a friend named A and he is always at her place (his sister and the girl live in the same apartment). he tells me he just plays video games there because they have a ps3 and the new game COD. i dont mind at ALL if he drowns himself in his games but i just dont liek the fact he does it at that house. the girl isnt that pretty but she has a nice body (guys dont give a **** about a girls face anymore anyways) and i saw her facebook wearing shorts as short as panties. shes always dressed like, sexily. i dont care about that anyway but he cant possibly not be turned on by that. men are visual creatures and they cant help it. if there was a guy hanging out w/ me with his hard on pressed on my shoulder i wouldnt be horny, thats how men and women DIFFER. my bf also has defended her (A) against her hubby because the hubby wanted her to stop schooling and start getting a job in order to help him pay for his car, A called my bf and asked for his help..i had a hard time wondering why she cant find other guys to do this for her, or a sibling. he told me he went to her house and said to me "i was hoping she wouldnt cry, cause if she would i would cry too" this sort of was the start of me getting frustrated with our relationship and i ended up entertaining men (but thats another story). it hurt me a lot and i cried and i felt so ****ing defeated. A and her hubby divorced a few mos ago and she wasnt able to make payments for the apartment she shared w/ my bf's sister. she started dating a lot of guys and ended up with a guy. my bf told me the new bf is so-so and i dont think he even really approved of this new bf (AS if hes got a say in that). this was the start of their "friendship" getting strained and eventually my bf , his sister and A are no longer in speaking terms. anyway all im saying is that, a guy and a girl cant just be friends. maybe a girl can think the guy is jsut being friendly, but the guy might have other motives and who the **** knows what is going on in his mind.
StandingO Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 In my experience, most men cannot be just friends with another female. It's like it goes against the grain. There is a reason that man is hanging out with me and it's because he is attracted to me. It may start innocently, but usually moves into territory it should not - unless they are both single. And in this case, it's your husband. I'd put a stop to it. This maybe true for many men but not all men are the same. I have had many woman friends over the years. Most have stayed just that. Good friends. Women can pretend too. I 've have had a few women do exactly that and secretly really wanted more. It eventually comes out. I have found I can still be friends but just like men most of these women can't be just friends and move on.
dextm Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Why is it okay for your GF to have a male best friend then? Works both ways no?
TinaniT Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 There is a reason that man is hanging out with me and it's because he is attracted to me. You think any man that wants to/does hang out with you is attracted to you? I have lots of male friends. Probably close to half my friends. I doubt most are attracted to me. It would take a great deal of vanity to assume everybody was. There have been issues before where I had to let someone know nothing else was there, but it's not been a problem overall or something that needs to inform my friendship choices. I also do not hesitate to have gay female friends. It could be something - the HIDING is wrong regardless. But it could likely be nothing, too - except an immature reaction to your jealous reaction in the face of nothing. He didn't hide it until you reacted in that way. That doesn't excuse the hiding, but it does suggest that there is not necessarily some torrid affair going on... So talk to your husband and don't get too afraid because of what might be as suggested here. At this point though, he must admit the hiding is inappropriate... if you come at it as if an attack though, I think it will spiral worse instead of getting better if he is not in fact doing anything like that.
TMCM Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 An important rule to live by when it comes to being friends with members of the opposite sex is that they must be supportive of the marriage, or friends of the marriage. Anything else is playing Russian roulette. Many affairs start when exclusive friendships are formed and the level of intimacy begins to increase until it crosses the line into an EA and later into a full blown affair. This forum and others are full of happily married spouses who never started out to have an affair but had one because they began the slippery slope of crossing important marital boundaries with a friend of the opposite sex. Before they ever take off their clothes, they first undress their emotions to one another.
sally4sara Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 An important rule to live by when it comes to being friends with members of the opposite sex is that they must be supportive of the marriage, or friends of the marriage. Anything else is playing Russian roulette. Many affairs start when exclusive friendships are formed and the level of intimacy begins to increase until it crosses the line into an EA and later into a full blown affair. This forum and others are full of happily married spouses who never started out to have an affair but had one because they began the slippery slope of crossing important marital boundaries with a friend of the opposite sex. Before they ever take off their clothes, they first undress their emotions to one another. I completely agree which is why I don't think immediately assuming a new person is a threat is the best way to handle it. Try to become friends with them along with your spouse is the best initial course of action. If you're making a genuine attempt to accept them and become friends you will be better able to assess their intentions by how they react to you. And then, if your spouse is hiding their correspondence, you'll know its an illicit interest rather than an attempt to avoid unearned suspicion. I try to treat everyone as a potential friend and have found its the quickest way to weed out potential enemies. My spouse sees my warm nature and lends any concerns that may develop over their attitude and behavior more credibility for it.
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I completely agree which is why I don't think immediately assuming a new person is a threat is the best way to handle it. Try to become friends with them along with your spouse is the best initial course of action. If you're making a genuine attempt to accept them and become friends you will be better able to assess their intentions by how they react to you. And then, if your spouse is hiding their correspondence, you'll know its an illicit interest rather than an attempt to avoid unearned suspicion. I try to treat everyone as a potential friend and have found its the quickest way to weed out potential enemies. My spouse sees my warm nature and lends any concerns that may develop over their attitude and behavior more credibility for it. Can't be friendly with everyone. Gotta establish boundaries at some point.
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