Husband best friend is female

[ginah2]

Looking for advice. I have been with my husband for almost three years. About four months after starting his new job (us being married for a 6 months or so) he became close to a single female co-worker. He told me about her and wanted her to come over to hang out with us. He thought we would get along great. She came once and then one other time. She invited him over to her families house that she was living at. She came over once when I was out of town but my husband told me that she was coming over. At this point I wanted her to stop visiting and hanging out. She actually was the one to say that I was right and they should not and just talk at work.

 

Well this whole time he was hiding his phone from me and would not let me touch it. I found out about six months later that they have been talking and texting constantly during the day. It was NEVER late at night or sneaking off when he was with me just during work when she was not there. With several fights he agreed not to talk to her outside of work and I was able to monitor that and he didn't.

 

Almost a year later she quit that job and I said that they were not to be friends. About three months after she moved he asked me if he could call her and see how she was doing. I said fine. I do not want you talking like before. Within two months he called her before work and texts a few times during work.

 

He did not share how often they were talking but I knew they were talking. I flipped out because I did not understand why it was so much. Again it was during or at work and she lives 2 hours away.

 

So I said ok I want you to talk less and start talking to me about her and how she it. So that happened but he does still talk to her almost everyday. We do have plans to all get together and go to a hockey game together in a few months which should be a good thing.

 

My husband uses the excuse that they are just friends and that he does not have any friends (which he really doesnt) and that she doesnt and moved and has no one to talk to ever.

 

During this whole ordeal he has never came home late or made anything else suspicious besides hiding how often they were talking to each other. I have met her several times and did talk to her for over an hour on the phone after I found out the first time and she said he is like a brother to her.

 

My husband and my relationship has actually been better than ever and I feel that I am not nagging at him as much realizing maybe I was doing something wrong and using her as a way to vent. Although they talk just as much now as before. He has never changed his attitude towards me or feelings about me. He always asks if something is wrong and not to worry.

 

Although that is hard to do at times for sure! Any advice? Reasons not to worry? Similar situations?

 

(sorry I wrote so much)

 

Thanks for your help....

[notagame]

She came over once when I was out of town but my husband told me that she was coming over.

 

Your husband allowed her to come over to your marital home, your private space while you were out of town. That should tell you all you need to know right there....And you were supposed to be his best friend, not some other chick.

Edited February 23, 2011 by notagame

[ginah2]

Why would he tell me she was coming over and not just lie about it then? You know?!

[notagame]

Why would he tell me she was coming over and not just lie about it then? You know?!

 

To keep your mind at ease most likely. Cheaters are very good at lying and keeping stuff secret.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Of course there is reason to worry.

 

 

Your husband wants to bang her (otherwise he'd have no use for her friendship, especially now).

 

 

However, it really might not be fair to take this out on her - as she may be another one of those who just plain cannot see that men do not have any interest in mere "friendship" with women they would really not rather be banging (except in arenas where work or other such familiarity requires them to be in close proximity).

 

That is to say that she could be fully naive as to the harsh reality that your husband wants to bang her.

[LuckyLady13]

I can give you both sides of a similar situation, if that helps at all.

 

I had a friend for 8 years and we were close. He started dating some new girl and they were together for a few months. His new girl started getting suspicious of our time together but his sister said to the new girl "they've been like brother and sister for 8 years and if something were going to happen between those two, it would've happened by now".

 

I thought she was right. I thought things would continue the way they did for the previous 8 years. I was naive.

 

I don't even think it was a week after his sister reassured his new girlfriend he came over my house (when I was alone), backed me up against a wall in my livingroom and told me he wanted me for so long. I pushed him off of me in shock (after 8 years?!?! NOW he does this?) and he came back at me again.

 

That was the abrupt end to our friendship.

 

Thinking back on it, I wasn't the only one to be naive. His own sister was too. I don't know why he waited until he had a new girlfriend to suddenly confess how bad he wanted me all that time but what I'm trying to say is things aren't as innocent as they seem and sometimes it can take time before one of them makes a move.

 

I don't want to scare you but I don't want you to be as naive as I was.

[whichwayisup]

My husband uses the excuse that they are just friends and that he does not have any friends (which he really doesnt) and that she doesnt and moved and has no one to talk to ever.

 

Why doesn't he have male friends? And BULLCRAP that she has noone to talk to ever. He is feeding you such sh.it it's not funny! Or she is feeding him crap by telling him she has noone talk to. I doubt that very much.

 

Whether or not their friendship has gone physical, I don't know, but I DO know he's having an emotional affair with her. Her feelings come first before yours. He is focussing too much on her, her life, her stuff. This friendship is unhealthy and selfish. It's a cancer to your marriage and to hers as well.

 

How does her husband feel about them talking so much, texting etc? My guess is, he doesn't know or doesn't realize the damage that can be done by EA's.

 

Let me ask, how is he with you in the bedroom? How is your relationship when she isn't a topic of discussion?

 

He doesn't "need" that type of friendship, he has you. He needs male buddy's and women friends who aren't "into" him and he's not "into" either. Make sense?

 

Sorry you're hurting and you have every right to be suspicious of him.

[ginah2]

Thanks everyone for your input!

[heartshaped]

Anything your husband does behind your back is a problem. You shouldn't have to nag him about this- you are his wife, he needs to respect you, and what you want. He's already shown he isn't to be trusted by sneaking and talking to this woman, personally, I'd put my foot down and tell him I'm not comfortable and it needs to stop.

[Calli]

In my experience, most men cannot be just friends with another female. It's like it goes against the grain. There is a reason that man is hanging out with me and it's because he is attracted to me. It may start innocently, but usually moves into territory it should not - unless they are both single. And in this case, it's your husband. I'd put a stop to it.

[Snowflower]

 

 

Well this whole time he was hiding his phone from me and would not let me touch it. I found out about six months later that they have been talking and texting constantly during the day. It was NEVER late at night or sneaking off when he was with me just during work when she was not there. With several fights he agreed not to talk to her outside of work and I was able to monitor that and he didn't.

 

Almost a year later she quit that job and I said that they were not to be friends. About three months after she moved he asked me if he could call her and see how she was doing. I said fine. I do not want you talking like before. Within two months he called her before work and texts a few times during work.

 

He did not share how often they were talking but I knew they were talking. I flipped out because I did not understand why it was so much. Again it was during or at work and she lives 2 hours away.

 

So I said ok I want you to talk less and start talking to me about her and how she it. So that happened but he does still talk to her almost everyday. We do have plans to all get together and go to a hockey game together in a few months which should be a good thing.

 

My husband uses the excuse that they are just friends and that he does not have any friends (which he really doesnt) and that she doesnt and moved and has no one to talk to ever.

 

During this whole ordeal he has never came home late or made anything else suspicious besides hiding how often they were talking to each other. I have met her several times and did talk to her for over an hour on the phone after I found out the first time and she said he is like a brother to her.

 

My husband and my relationship has actually been better than ever and I feel that I am not nagging at him as much realizing maybe I was doing something wrong and using her as a way to vent. Although they talk just as much now as before. He has never changed his attitude towards me or feelings about me. He always asks if something is wrong and not to worry.

 

Although that is hard to do at times for sure! Any advice? Reasons not to worry? Similar situations?

 

(sorry I wrote so much)

 

Thanks for your help....

 

Why would he tell me she was coming over and not just lie about it then? You know?!

 

Hi Ginah, welcome to LS...

 

I don't have a lot of time to respond because I have to go to work soon but let me say...your posts remind me so much of my situation with my H.

 

In a nutshell, you have been too "nice" and want to appear the non jealous or non controlling wife. And your H has taken advantage of it.

 

The whole thing with him telling you about her coming over and the three of you going to that upcoming hockey game is a way for him to tell himself and you and her that what he is doing is okay.

 

And you are giving him your tacit approval by going along with it all.

 

Stop being so darn understanding! Even if this friendship with this "Friend" is platonic or ends because of distance, a precedent has been set in your marriage...he is allowed to have secret female friends and as long as he "sort of" tells you about them, then all is good.

 

I think that eventually he will become involved in some sort of EMA...and maybe not even with this friend but another one in the future. He has poor boundaries and seems to avoid conflict. The earmark personality traits of an unfaithful spouse.

 

Ginah, you have a problem in your marriage and one that will implode your marriage if you don't take steps to make your H understand that what he has done is unacceptable.

 

I've been where you are and I wish that someone had told me what I'm telling you now. I am out of time for now but if you further questions, please ask.

 

Just trust me that this will not end good for you and your marriage at some point in the future. *(unless you take steps now to rectify the precedent that has been set)

[What_Next]

There most definitely is something to worry about. That's all that needs to be said.

 

Ask him if the roles were reversed how happy he would be about the situation.

[PegNosePete]

Ask him if the roles were reversed how happy he would be about the situation.

No, don't ask him this. He will of course say that he'd be perfectly fine with it.

Instead, just imagine how happy he would be if the roles were reversed...

But if you ask him this question you'll get fed the obvious answer and be no better off.

[whichwayisup]

Just thought of this. Has he called her 'his bestfriend' or has he referred to her as his bestfriend?

 

YOU should be his bestfriend! Not some other woman. He needs a GUY bestfriend, not her, or any other female.

[notagame]

Just thought of this. Has he called her 'his bestfriend' or has he referred to her as his bestfriend?

 

YOU should be his bestfriend! Not some other woman. He needs a GUY bestfriend, not her, or any other female.

 

Hey! I said that already!

[Spark1111]

Your H is having an Emotional Affair with this woman, and it could or soon will or maybe already has turned physical.

 

It needs to end. No one should be closer to your spouse than you. That is what marriage is.

 

If anyone in the marriage is closer to another than to their spouse, that is extremely dangerous for the relationship.

 

What do you plan to do about it?

 

 

I would ask for him to end all contact with her for the sake of the M, and insist that you two get to MC.

 

The hours of emailing and chatting is time he should be devoting to you and the marriage....NOT another woman from work!

[whichwayisup]

Hey! I said that already!

 

Sorry, I didn't see that you did! Haven't read all the other replies..

[sally4sara]

Personally I think you're making the situation more tense than it needed to be. Like when parents freak out about their kid dating someone and forbid it, it only makes that person seem more desirable.

My husband and I have friends of both genders. We become friends with the people the other finds cool and interesting enough to want to interact with. His female friends are no longer just his friends. My male friends are no longer just my friends.

 

She didn't stay hidden and avoid meeting you. He didn't hide her and avoid introducing the two of you. You flipped out and he began hiding their correspondence because of it. She has pulled back out of respect when you were bothered by her. And while she was trying to be friendly and social with the both of you, you were not trying to forge a friendship with her - you wanted her gone. It never occurred to you that someone your husband (a person you should be compatible with) could bring a valuable friend into your life. NO. You doubted his judgment and immediately assumed she had nothing to offer you. But its his judgment that had him choosing you as a wife is it not? Were YOU a poor choice and he is just a naive simp? If not, why would you assume someone he chose for friendship was a poor choice?

 

Quit driving him towards her and refusing to share in his social life. All you're doing is creating a situation where he ends up hiding rather than sharing.

[notagame]

Sorry, I didn't see that you did! Haven't read all the other replies..

 

Just messin with ya.

[notagame]

Personally I think you're making the situation more tense than it needed to be. Like when parents freak out about their kid dating someone and forbid it, it only makes that person seem more desirable.

 

So she has no right to be concerned.

 

 

My husband and I have friends of both genders. We become friends with the people the other finds cool and interesting enough to want to interact with. His female friends are no longer just his friends. My male friends are no longer just my friends.

 

Just because you and your husband enjoy others and are randomly jumpy and happy doesn't mean she has to be about her husband's "friend."

 

She didn't stay hidden and avoid meeting you. He didn't hide her and avoid introducing the two of you.

 

Ya, to keep her mind calm so she wouldn't suspect so much.

 

You flipped out and he began hiding their correspondence because of it.

 

She tried her best to be nice about it and got fed up with it. Nothing wrong with that. But what IS wrong is that him hiding her. He wouldn't even let her touch his phone! How much more proof do you need?!?!?!?!

 

She has pulled back out of respect when you were bothered by her.

 

Yup and that's what she's supposed to do no matter the issue, but she obviously didn't do that. And her husband ignored her concerns practically.

 

And while she was trying to be friendly and social with the both of you, you were not trying to forge a friendship with her - you wanted her gone.

 

So what? She doesn't have to be friends with her or anyone for that matter.

 

 

It never occurred to you that someone your husband (a person you should be compatible with) could bring a valuable friend into your life. NO. You doubted his judgment and immediately assumed she had nothing to offer you.

 

It never occurred to you that he's cheating and being disrespectful and not establishing boundaries between him and his "friend"? What does she have to offer her? Nothing but pain.

 

 

But its his judgment that had him choosing you as a wife is it not? Were YOU a poor choice and he is just a naive simp? If not, why would you assume someone he chose for friendship was a poor choice?

 

Were YOU a poor choice for your husband? Nothing wrong with her keeping her private life private.

 

Quit driving him towards her and refusing to share in his social life. All you're doing is creating a situation where he ends up hiding rather than sharing.

 

NOBODY is driving him towards that woman. He did that on his own and that's wrong to blame her because he's cheating. He brought that on himself!

[sally4sara]

So she has no right to be concerned.

 

She became overly concerned before there was any real or clear indication of anything beyond the friend having a vagina.

 

Just because you and your husband enjoy others and are randomly jumpy and happy doesn't mean she has to be about her husband's "friend."

 

I'd call immediately assuming foul play to be being jumpy. It isn't just my husband and I that happily live this way, but the vast majority of our circle of friends be they in a relationship or not.

 

Ya, to keep her mind calm so she wouldn't suspect so much.

 

She married the man. If she can't trust him or his conduct why'd she marry him? Not everyone on Earth runs around playing cloak and dagger. I'd ask her why it MUST be some smoke screen and not its face value rather than just feed the drama and tell her her husband, a man she saw fit to marry, can't be counted on to tell her what is going on in honesty. I'd ask her if he has always shown instance of scheming, used car salesman tactics, being a manipulative person. She said herself that he hasn't deviated from normal schedule or show of affection. Why sell her fear?

 

She tried her best to be nice about it and got fed up with it. Nothing wrong with that. But what IS wrong is that him hiding her. He wouldn't even let her touch his phone! How much more proof do you need?!?!?!?!

 

I didn't read anything that showed she approached this with a warm or friendly heart.

 

I did the same as he did with my overbearing mother when she tried to put restrictions on me even without me having a history of needing to hide stuff. Things that no one should have to hide I began to hide just to stay out of her line of fire.

 

Yup and that's what she's supposed to do no matter the issue, but she obviously didn't do that. And her husband ignored her concerns practically.

 

Just as she ignored his want for friends.

 

So when Chicken Little starts screeching that the sky is falling everyone should cater to Chicken Little's claims and live in as though the sky is indeed falling?

 

So what? She doesn't have to be friends with her or anyone for that matter.

 

It never occurred to you that he's cheating and being disrespectful and not establishing boundaries between him and his "friend"? What does she have to offer her? Nothing but pain.

 

Because they share a life and any time you refuse to be a part of your partner's life you are withdrawing from them, forcing a rift, and opening the door for EAs. People have friends; its a normal part of life. Relationshipw ith no outside influence stagnate and wither.

 

Who is so wealthy to turn down offered friendship?

 

Is he cheating? Its a possibility. One she could see more clearly if her accusations hadn't put him on guard.

 

Were YOU a poor choice for your husband? Nothing wrong with her keeping her private life private.

 

I don't get what you're saying here. My husband and I rarely have issues like this because we are like minded. I think you just want to insult me for not being so tightly wound or sharing your fears. I didn't reply to you. This isn't your thread. I didn't offer YOU the advise.

The sound judgment that had him choosing her can also be the sound judgment employed in choosing a good friend.

We join in partnerships so they we can have and give each other a place and person with whom to share our inner self. When you stop remembering that and instead, turn to suspicion and fear any change to be a threat, oiling on restrictions - that warm exchange disappears and with it the feeling of togetherness.

[notagame]

She became overly concerned before there was any real or clear indication of anything beyond the friend having a vagina.

 

No she didn't. Either way she has a right to be concerned.

 

I'd call immediately assuming foul play to be being jumpy. It isn't just my husband and I that happily live this way, but the vast majority of our circle of friends be they in a relationship or not.

 

Well good for you. Doesn't mean that this wife must follow your happy code of conduct.

 

She married the man. If she can't trust him or his conduct why'd she marry him?

 

This happened after they got married, when he got the job, lady!

 

Not everyone on Earth runs around playing cloak and dagger. I'd ask her why it MUST be some smoke screen and not its face value rather than just feed the drama and tell her her husband, a man she saw fit to marry, can't be counted on to tell her what is going on in honesty.

 

There's nothing innocent about it. She found out they were talking excessively and the man wouldn't even let her see his phone!

 

I'd ask her if he has always shown instance of scheming, used car salesman tactics, being a manipulative person. She said herself that he hasn't deviated from normal schedule or show of affection. Why sell her fear?

 

Okay bad analogy.

 

I didn't read anything that showed she approached this with a warm or friendly heart.

 

Yea because you skipped it.

 

I did the same as he did with my overbearing mother when she tried to put restrictions on me even without me having a history of needing to hide stuff. Things that no one should have to hide I began to hide just to stay out of her line of fire.

 

Yea and how did that turn out? Keeping secrets leads to disaster. He even had her in their house while his wife was gone. You mean to tell me they didn't screw or kiss each other?

 

Just as she ignored his want for friends.

 

She didn't ignore his want for friends. He can make friends for himself. Friends are with people who you're unattracted to. Someone who will stop you when you're wrong. Not some opposite-sex, attractive co-worker.

 

So when Chicken Little starts screeching that the sky is falling everyone should cater to Chicken Little's claims and live in as though the sky is indeed falling?

 

.....................

 

 

Because they share a life and any time you refuse to be a part of your partner's life you are withdrawing from them, forcing a rift, and opening the door for EAs.

 

I'm getting tired of this. Did you make up this rule? Opening the door for emotional affairs? Nope the only person who opens that door is the cheater.

 

 

People have friends; its a normal part of life.

 

Yea it's a normal part of life but that doesn't mean you put them over your marriage, nor is it an excuse to whore around for a year.

 

Relationshipw ith no outside influence stagnate and wither.

 

Well that's you. Too much outside influence will definitely kill the marriage.

 

Who is so wealthy to turn down offered friendship?

 

Did she offer to be friends with her?

 

Is he cheating? Its a possibility. One she could see more clearly if her accusations hadn't put him on guard.

 

Oh he's cheating. She has enough intel to know he's with this woman for the booty.

 

 

I don't get what you're saying here. My husband and I rarely have issues like this because we are like minded.

 

Ok...

 

I think you just want to insult me for not being so tightly wound or sharing your fears. I didn't reply to you. This isn't your thread. I didn't offer YOU the advise.

 

I thought this was a public board? I wasn't trying to insult you.

 

The sound judgment that had him choosing her can also be the sound judgment employed in choosing a good friend.

 

As far as we know, he doesn't have any sense of sound judgment. They're both talking to each other to get it on with. They probably did that already.

 

We join in partnerships so they we can have and give each other a place and person with whom to share our inner self. When you stop remembering that and instead, turn to suspicion and fear any change to be a threat, oiling on restrictions - that warm exchange disappears and with it the feeling of togetherness.

 

You can tell my wife that when I see her in divorce court.

[carhill]

I find it odd that H has no friends but has a female 'best friend'. OP? Has this (having no friends) been consistent throughout your relationship and how did you view this dynamic prior to getting married?

 

IME, the wider and more varied one's circle of friends, the less likely for inappropriate and unhealthy attachments to form. Perhaps that's a goal you and he can work on *together*.

[Spark1111]

Personally I think you're making the situation more tense than it needed to be. Like when parents freak out about their kid dating someone and forbid it, it only makes that person seem more desirable.

My husband and I have friends of both genders. We become friends with the people the other finds cool and interesting enough to want to interact with. His female friends are no longer just his friends. My male friends are no longer just my friends.

 

She didn't stay hidden and avoid meeting you. He didn't hide her and avoid introducing the two of you. You flipped out and he began hiding their correspondence because of it. She has pulled back out of respect when you were bothered by her. And while she was trying to be friendly and social with the both of you, you were not trying to forge a friendship with her - you wanted her gone. It never occurred to you that someone your husband (a person you should be compatible with) could bring a valuable friend into your life. NO. You doubted his judgment and immediately assumed she had nothing to offer you. But its his judgment that had him choosing you as a wife is it not? Were YOU a poor choice and he is just a naive simp? If not, why would you assume someone he chose for friendship was a poor choice?

 

Quit driving him towards her and refusing to share in his social life. All you're doing is creating a situation where he ends up hiding rather than sharing.

 

In a perfect world, maybe.....

 

But I lived this scenario. My fWS had a long term affair with a co-worker that started as "just friends."

 

Over time, he hid his communication with her. Keeping it secret is the very first step that you are doing something wrong.

 

Of course he would keep it a secret! It was excessive and wrong and he was starting to feel an attraction that would lead to an affair and almost destroyed our marriage and me in the process.

 

We all have friends....but HOURS of communication, daily and then hidden from a concerned spouse?

 

C'mon!

[sally4sara]

Folks like it or lump it but its not your thread. I sure didn't post up all the advise I thought wasn't fit prior to speaking my own mind on the matter.

 

Initially he talked with her while at work. Was he doing so when he could have been talking to other friends or his wife? No! They didn't work with him and she did. He brought her around and it bothered the wife because she is opposite gendered not because the wife was feeling a reduction in care or time prior to that. He hadn't gone missing or staying late to work. All I initially suggested is they seemed to be trying to include her in the association and she immediately became suspicious of the deal. Gee! That's a warm person for ya! The kind of person that people relax around and continue to share information with. And when she got upset - the co worker withdrew and told the guy to stop contacting her. That truly is the sign of a mate poaching hussy right?

 

Now its a mess. He is trying to be him and minimize flack from a person who wants to watch him like a hawk. An affair could be brewing but now the OP has no baseline to judge from. She went to immediate state of emergency mode. Cripes! The woman doesn't even live local to them now! Her husband must have a super long penis!