Told bf who I was on LS

February 23, 2011

Oy! I'm a bit annoyed at the earlier comment about the happily-paired folks are the ones that share their LS name, while the privacy-valuing folks are single-for-some-reason. I HAVE been in a marriage-discussing multi-year relationship - is the implication here I'm incapable of a deep relationship because I have different beliefs about boundaries? How many of these 'happy' couple are in early less-than-a-year situations? Not to imply that these aren't 'real' relationships, but really... um... really.

I have nothing to hide. In fact, my ex (as of two and half years) still knows my email password (I think I had him check an important email for me when I was out - he never asked for it). But I really take issue with the idea that someone thinks it's any of their BUSINESS to co-opt my personal and mental life. The whole idea that I 'owe it to someone' to share every second of my existence deeply violates my principals around sense of self.

Yes, I totally get that in a longterm relationship there's a great deal of the I-turns-we. I'm a good team player. But really, this is a matter of self respect.

Edited February 23, 2011 by Knittress

February 24, 2011

Yes, I totally get that in a longterm relationship there's a great deal of the I-turns-we. I'm a good team player. But really, this is a matter of self respect.

It wasn't me who made the comment that upset you but I'm curious what you mean about 'something' being 'a matter of self respect'.

February 24, 2011

Forget that.

No one actually knows I post on LS at all (friends,family, partners etc).

I certainly wouldn't give them my ID.

LS functions a bit like "group therapy" for me. For me, it'd be like my partner wondering into my psychologists office and asking to see transcripts.

Part of the value of this place is the ability to be bluntly honest, without catching hell out here in the real world.

.. Then again, trust has never been my strong suite.

February 24, 2011

I think it really depends on how much you're willing to share.

I know I wouldn't confess anything on here that I wasn't comfortable sharing with a SO. But, on the other hand, I'm mostly here for giving advice on other people's relationships (and also, for the coffee and doughnuts! ) And I don't have a SO, so it's all mute, anyways.

But I don't think you should post anything here, if you're afraid that someone will read it. What if your SO stumbles across the forum, and figures out it's you? He/she doesn't need to know your username to know your life.

I suspect some of my friends have figured out who I am on here and on ENA; but strangely, they haven't brought it up. And nor do I care. If I cared, I wouldn't post anywhere on the internet, I'd be so paranoid about being "found out."

February 24, 2011

It wasn't me who made the comment that upset you but I'm curious what you mean about 'something' being 'a matter of self respect'.

Yeah. I know you didn't. I didn't name names because I was directing my irritation towards an idea and not the person who implied it. They might not even have been implying anything, just musing, but the idea still irked.

I was talking about how my belief in privacy on the internet was not indicative of hiding anything or being incapable of intimacy, but rather ideals about who ought to have free reign over my inner thoughts. I don't feel that it's 'good' to overshare, but rather indicative of the false belief that in order to be a good partner you have to throw away your sense of self and become co-dependant or somesuch. There's something about this that seems very disturbing and lacking in self-value on a spiritual level.

My opinion. Nothing more. I don't care to police other folks' relationship dynamics, I just didn't like what was being implied about mine.

February 24, 2011

I was talking about how my belief in privacy on the internet was not indicative of hiding anything or being incapable of intimacy, but rather ideals about who ought to have free reign over my inner thoughts. I don't feel that it's 'good' to overshare, but rather indicative of the false belief that in order to be a good partner you have to throw away your sense of self and become co-dependant or somesuch. There's something about this that seems very disturbing and lacking in self-value on a spiritual level.

That's fair enough, thanks for clarifying.

I don't think being open is the same thing as losing your sense of self or becoming co-dependent. In some ways, for me anyway, sharing 'all that I am' with my partner gives me the freedom to be exactly who I want to be. I can be independent, whilst knowing that I have 'a partner in crime' ie someone who accepts everything that I am, good and bad, and loves me because of that, rather than in spite of it.

I share my body with my partner in love and, while I share it, it remains mine. In return he loves and respects my body, including all its imperfections. I feel the same way about what I share mentally or emotionally - I don't give him my inner thoughts, but I am happy to share them and they remain mine. The more he understands about me the better our relationship will be. In return he respects what he knows about me and loves me because of the trust I have placed in him to do that.

For me, being true to myself and knowing that my partner loves that 'truth' is an incredible feeling.

I'm proud of the person I have turned myself into over the years and I believe that not sharing who I am with the man I love would be to devalue myself rather than the other way around.

I guess we all see things differently. Interesting point though.

February 24, 2011

I don't think being open is the same thing as losing your sense of self or becoming co-dependent. In some ways, for me anyway, sharing 'all that I am' with my partner gives me the freedom to be exactly who I want to be. I can be independent, whilst knowing that I have 'a partner in crime' ie someone who accepts everything that I am, good and bad, and loves me because of that, rather than in spite of it.

Yeah. Well. I suppose it comes down to how a person views LS.

I AM actually pretty open. I have a journal that even my mother reads where I often make flippant and scandalous remarks. The difference being that this is something I publish. It's a semi-public persona. I don't advertise my journal, but I'm fine with being known if someone cares enough about me to do a little digging.

LS, on the other hand, I regard as my special 'locker room talk.' Though again, if someone knows enough about my life to recognize me, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. I wouldn't have a problem if an SO came across it. What I have a problem with is the EXPECTATION that I divulge, just like if my partner followed me into the locker room or crashed Girls Night.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Knittress

February 24, 2011

Skiman knew who I was, as have others I've been involved with. I'd have no problem having someone know I'm here and reading my posts and history. The LS me is the "real me" and I've got nothing to hide and no pretenses or facades to put up.

February 24, 2011

I haven't told my partner which forum/s I post on as some of what I write is so personal I wouldn't want him or anyone I know IRL to read it, and I don't think he would want to read it as he'd want to respect my privacy.

February 24, 2011

Totally agree with your last paragraph.

I made the mistake of telling a GF my screen name on a message board once. Once. It was all cute when things were fine, but it was not so cute when we broke up.

Never again. I come to internet message boards for privacy. Even in a relationship, people need some privacy and some activities that belong only to them. I don't think relationships need to be so compulsive that we share everything we say and do with our parter. Especially a board like LS -- telling your partner about this board cuts off any chance to get advice when (not if) you ever need it.

February 24, 2011

.... telling your partner about this board cuts off any chance to get advice when (not if) you ever need it.

When I need advice, the fact that my partner knows about this site will not deter me from asking for it - even if it's advice about him and our relationship.

In fact, if it's something I'm finding difficult to talk to him about, I might even post and then ask him to read it - and the responses. As I said before, LS is a great way to open up topics for discussion - even better when the topic is something very personal that needs to be discussed.

February 24, 2011

I almost rather my BF read what I write on here than listen to me try to verbally explain my feelings. I'm so much better in writing! The eternal curse of the introvert, right?

When I told him about this thread the other day he admitted that he wanted to read what I posted, but that he restrained himself b/c he thought it would bug me. I don't think it would bother me at all if he read my thoughts. I think there are some threads that detail some past sexual history stuff that he would probably want to avoid for his own personal TMI sake, otherwise I'm an open book.

As for the committed people in happy relationships sharing more...perhaps it's more of a personal dynamic between the two partners than a long term/short term thing. Some people are more open with their partner and probably more open about posting their feelings here in general. I'm an extreme open book but I respect others who are not. Perhaps, those of us who are more open, however, have a hard time understanding relationships where there is more privacy? IDK, just a thought.

February 24, 2011

In a strange way, it kind of feels like a relief that he read everything about me on here and is still really into me.

I'd still be into you, too, Kamille. Your posts are always kind, well-thought out, mature, inoffensive and ever so helpful.

The REAL you comes out in all of them and the REAL you is adorable!

February 24, 2011

Kamille,

I don't think he would understand all those hot, lusty PM you sent me.

February 24, 2011

I would never want to do this myself, but if you're glad you did, then that's great. I think it forces you to restrict your posts knowing that your SO can read what you put. As mentioned, there are a few noted couples that post here on LS, and most of the things you read from them appear so contrived and fake. A particular male poster will nearly always side with the female perspective and I think it's with the fear that his mate will read and chastise him for posting his real feelings on the issue. Not saying I blame the guy, you gotta keep the peace...it's just that most people come here to vent and work things out and since those posters no longer seem to be doing that, it's as if they just post here to be "seen".

February 24, 2011

I would never want to do this myself, but if you're glad you did, then that's great. I think it forces you to restrict your posts knowing that your SO can read what you put. As mentioned, there are a few noted couples that post here on LS, and most of the things you read from them appear so contrived and fake. A particular male poster will nearly always side with the female perspective and I think it's with the fear that his mate will read and chastise him for posting his real feelings on the issue. Not saying I blame the guy, you gotta keep the peace...it's just that most people come here to vent and work things out and since those posters no longer seem to be doing that, it's as if they just post here to be "seen".

if you are referring to me you are far from the truth. The style of my posts have been constant since day one, which was 4 years before I met my SO, so it is a little late to be fake.

It appears that I side with the female perspective alot because most of the comments made by bitter men on here are biased generalizations, which is something that I don't agree with.

Again this is IF you are referring to me.

February 24, 2011

The H knows i post here, and frequently enough to have the LS Page saved as a "Favorite" on my laptop (thanks laptop for keeping it on the DL!)

As far as i know he doesn't come to LS and read, nor do i know if he knows my user name. i would most likely tell him if he asked, but i do not think he minds- or he has never said anyways.

i do not really post on LS when we are home together, if he is outta town LS is my alternative.

now i do know that one of H's friends was posting here and i told H, but again he didn't seem interested, so that was that.

Last night though, i logged into LS to see if GP had sent his nude volleyball pic (thanks again for that GP:love:) and i left the thread up. H get's on my PC and i was wondering if he had read any of the comments!

February 24, 2011

Being open implies a sense of trust which tends to be viewed as complimentary to most partners since it means that "what you see is what you get". And what Little Tiger said about remaining independent while open has nothing to do with being codependent, is spot on. No one can control you unless you allow it, regardless of how they button push from knowing you intimately. If they button push to control or manipulate, it's time to turf them.

But the trend mentioned in my earlier post appears to continue as more posters give their opinions. Very interesting to see.

February 24, 2011

But the trend mentioned in my earlier post appears to continue as more posters give their opinions. Very interesting to see.

very much so, TBF!

February 24, 2011

I remember many years ago this weird thread where two people in the same couple were posting to each other and also to everyone else....

Yeah, I remember that - and if I'm recalling the same one you're thinking of, it was decidedly NOT one of the cutesy couple-getting-together ones. These guys definitely had some issues they were working out, and it was pretty weird once they both started posting. I can't recall screen-names or thread titles...

On the original topic: I came to LS, and it became a refuge, as a result of the very painful end of my marriage, so of course, I would never have revealed its existence to my ex (duh!). I haven't had a really close "SO" since then, so it's hard to say. There's nothing on here that I'm particularly ashamed of. If I were ever to get into another committed, long-term relationship, I would probably consider it. On the other hand, it seems like it would certainly chill my ability to continue to talk openly about my own situation. On the other hand, that's what your SO is for!

February 24, 2011

edit to my post above:

constant consistent.

February 24, 2011

edit to my post above:

constant consistent.

I definitely agree that your posting style has been consistent since day 1 Pyro - and this way before you and CE got together.

While I am now happy I shared my LS identity with SO, in no way am I suggesting that everyone should be comfortable with this or that "sharing" everything is the way to a happy relationship.

Sharing LS with SO makes sense to me at this point in our relationship. It was a conflation of events that made it make sense for us. Basically, we've been having a lot of deep talks lately and that, coupled with the fact I kept openly talking about some of the threads (namely OG's last threads), made him curious. He started checking out LS and started taking wild guesses as to who I was. It was funny (the guesses were always way out there) and I eventually decided to just tell him.

I also want to stress that by now, I am comfortable sharing my darkest thoughts with this man. I'm not saying sharing dark thoughts is a necessary component of healthy relationships though. I'm just saying that in this relationship, it's something I'm comfortable doing.

February 25, 2011

My current roomate/best friend is the other half of my longest relationship yet. He knows about LS and sometimes he'll even say " Well, ask LS and see what THEY say" ! I also refer to some of the people here as my friends ( that includes you Miss Kam:love:) and he knows that for many of us long timers, it's become a bit of a social network.

I remember needing emergency car advice and there was carhill, diagnosing my car problems from 3,000 mies away ! And, you were all here for me when my husband was missing and then found dead days later : THAT creates a hell of a bond. He was of the "eye rolling, small groan, not Love shack AGAIN" tribe" but he could have easily read anything I wrote, just not his style. I DO remember him coming in and reading over my shoulder here and there and asking if I was just writing such nice things about him because he could read it. So cute: I wasn't, he was that sweet.

So yes, I think I would share the site with a current partner once enough trust and commitment was established, though I certainly understand other vewpoints as well. I am an extrovert who blurts out whatever they are thinking. My mom, sister and friend mentoned above are more introverted and if they needed a space to explore their thoughts and feelings I could understand that as well.

All in all, It seems Kamille, that this gesture is showing YOU how much you trust this person with your innermost self, and your instincts are being proved RIGHT : Sounds like a wonderful place to be, I am so happy for you ! XOXO

February 25, 2011

My H doesn't know my name on here. He knows I am on here, but, like his meetings with his counselor, it's my private sessions to say whatever I want and not have to censor myself. I have told him if he ever gets on here to let me know he's on but not to tell me his name...I feel it's a good outlet...kind of like a journal...even if I am not the one posting all the time, if I am just responding to what others say...I know I can say whatever I want and not worry about his reaction. We have complete access to eachothers e-mails and all other accts...kinda nice to have this one thing be private

February 25, 2011

if you are referring to me you are far from the truth. The style of my posts have been constant since day one, which was 4 years before I met my SO, so it is a little late to be fake.

It appears that I side with the female perspective alot because most of the comments made by bitter men on here are biased generalizations, which is something that I don't agree with.

Again this is IF you are referring to me.

Not to mention I don't read those stupid threads as they bore me to tears.

I love not having to hide LS from him. It long ago became more of a place to socialise to me, the regulars keep me here not relationship troubles.

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Told bf who I was on LS

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