Dumped by email - do I reply?

[Faruiza]

I was seeing a guy I was really into for 3 months. Everything great, romantic, exciting and promising.

 

To cut a long story short, he just stopped contacting me and did weird things like ask to see me, then not confirm when. So I called to ask what was going on, didn't get through, left a message. The next day I got an email saying 'I don't like to communicate regularly or make plans, I'm more spontaneous than you', blah, blah, and 'we should be just friends'.

 

Now, I have lots of things I would like to say in reply. Not to get angry but just to let him know that his decision did not leave room to give anything a chance. There can be give and take spontaneity versus plans, etc. But show I've accepted it, fine.

 

HOWEVER, My friends say - do not reply - he has been selfish and a bit thoughtless of your feelings, so deserves no reply. And they say I would end up stoking his pride if I let him know it's annoyed or affected me. But from my point of view, I hate leaving ends untied and I kind of wanted to have a say.

 

Please advise. It has been 2 weeks since I received the email. I would need to reply soon. Thank you!

[jerbear]

Please advise. It has been 2 weeks since I received the email. I would need to reply soon. Thank you!

 

it has been two weeks. I would not reply.

 

It would be a waste of your time.

[Faruiza]

Yes...I just wanted to feel calmer and work out what I wanted to say, which is why I left it 2 weeks. Also, he froze me out so I wasn't in hurry to reply.

[depplover_1980]

You've left it too long now. He didn't want to get serious, if you had any feelings for him then you'd have got hurt.

 

If he cared about you, then he'd have been in touch. Put it down to experience.

[wmrjw82]

Dont feel bad. I got dumped over facebook from a girl I was seeing for 6 months. The day AFTER my birthday. One month after she asked me and my 6 month old son to move in with her.

 

What it comes down to is these people are cowards and just looking for the easiest way out of the relationship for themselves. They dont care about your feelings in the least.

 

Dont reply. And dont respond if he sends you anything else. That will only feed his ego. I moved of my ex's place 3 weeks ago and she's left me 2 txt msg's saying that she was "praying for me, etc."...I never responded. (thanks to alot of help here on LS) They just want to relieve their own guilt (again acting on their selfish behavior).

 

Chalk it up to experience as dep says...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

NO!!! Don't reply!!!

 

 

You want to leave him with the impression that he just didn't matter that much to you... and anything you do in response will greatly reduce that implication.

 

 

The truth really doesn't matter once the ball has been taken out of your court. Just moving on with your head held high will be easiest.

 

 

Of course it is unavoidable that this clown will be trying to contact you (for sex, perhaps) down the road a few months or years... and it is at that point when you can exact a grand revenge in some way.

 

Just wait...

[whichwayisup]

I was seeing a guy I was really into for 3 months. Everything great, romantic, exciting and promising.

 

To cut a long story short, he just stopped contacting me and did weird things like ask to see me, then not confirm when. So I called to ask what was going on, didn't get through, left a message. The next day I got an email saying 'I don't like to communicate regularly or make plans, I'm more spontaneous than you', blah, blah, and 'we should be just friends'.

 

Now, I have lots of things I would like to say in reply. Not to get angry but just to let him know that his decision did not leave room to give anything a chance. There can be give and take spontaneity versus plans, etc. But show I've accepted it, fine.

 

HOWEVER, My friends say - do not reply - he has been selfish and a bit thoughtless of your feelings, so deserves no reply. And they say I would end up stoking his pride if I let him know it's annoyed or affected me. But from my point of view, I hate leaving ends untied and I kind of wanted to have a say.

 

Please advise. It has been 2 weeks since I received the email. I would need to reply soon. Thank you!

 

Don't bother. The guy isn't worth it. He is a jerk and in his own way is telling you this. Plus, it's been 2 weeks already, he hasn't contacted you since that email.. If you reply you'll feed his ego and also in eyes make you look needy! He has treated you poorly, so again, don't bother replying back! You're better off without him. You can do better, even if you did like him.

[whichwayisup]

Yes...I just wanted to feel calmer and work out what I wanted to say, which is why I left it 2 weeks. Also, he froze me out so I wasn't in hurry to reply.

 

Since he's frozen you out and again, 2 weeks has gone by, chances of him reading and even caring what you have to say is pointless. DON'T email him! Instead, write what you want to say him on here, get it out of your head, or write him a letter but do not send it, this is for theraputic reasons only.

[fiat500]

hey i got dumped over facebook messenger. yay.

 

you probably know that you shouldn't reply to him.

 

when someone writes you a dear john letter, they do not care enough about you or even respect you. the only people they love is themselves.

[selena_cat]

Dont feel bad. I got dumped over facebook from a girl I was seeing for 6 months. The day AFTER my birthday. One month after she asked me and my 6 month old son to move in with her.

 

What it comes down to is these people are cowards and just looking for the easiest way out of the relationship for themselves. They dont care about your feelings in the least.

 

Dont reply. And dont respond if he sends you anything else. That will only feed his ego. I moved of my ex's place 3 weeks ago and she's left me 2 txt msg's saying that she was "praying for me, etc."...I never responded. (thanks to alot of help here on LS) They just want to relieve their own guilt (again acting on their selfish behavior).

 

Chalk it up to experience as dep says...

 

 

LOl,praying for you? maybe she needs to expend that prayer to herself to have a conscience!

 

I agree with the others,don't reply,chances are since he did this by e-mail which is such a cowardly thing to do,he wouldnt reply to you anyway if or when to respond.

Take it from me,you dont need him ignoring you thats the next thing he'll do-then you'll kick yourself for replying

[D-Lish]

Since he's frozen you out and again, 2 weeks has gone by, chances of him reading and even caring what you have to say is pointless. DON'T email him! Instead, write what you want to say him on here, get it out of your head, or write him a letter but do not send it, this is for theraputic reasons only.

 

This is good advice. Don't give him the satisfaction of a reply. You can provide your own closure, you don't need to reach out to him to do it.

[fltc]

Please advise. It has been 2 weeks since I received the email. I would need to reply soon. Thank you!

 

Ouch, he's a jerk.... how about this:

=========================================

Dear xxx,

I received your email and have waited much too long to respond but I can't put it off any longer, the one I was with before you has informed me he's tested HIV positive so you probably want to get tested.

===============================================

 

Let him sweat! <EVIL GRIN!>

 

NOTE: I'm kidding, don't reply at all.

[TurboGirl]

dumped via text message after 2 years...

 

When someone dumps you on email or text, and does not have the courtesy to at the very least speak with you on the phone, they are total cowards. IMHO, they know they are being really mean & not nice, and don't want you to call them on their S***. Kind of like, putting their hand in your face, pushing you out of the way, etc.

 

Don't reply, hold your head up high and keep going. There will be someone who will appreciate you and love you!

[wmrjw82]

LOl,praying for you? maybe she needs to expend that prayer to herself to have a conscience!

 

Yea... the kicker was she broke up with me 3 weeks before my custody hearing. On the day of the hearing (which was eventually pushed back... she didn't know this though), she texted me how she had prayed for me and wondered what had happened with custody. I never gave her the satisfaction of knowing because I knew she didn't care anyway (again w/ lots of help from LS). She never called, just 2 little txts to ease her selfish little mind.

 

Wasn't worth my time or effort.

[hoping2heal]

I was seeing a guy I was really into for 3 months. Everything great, romantic, exciting and promising.

 

To cut a long story short, he just stopped contacting me and did weird things like ask to see me, then not confirm when. So I called to ask what was going on, didn't get through, left a message. The next day I got an email saying 'I don't like to communicate regularly or make plans, I'm more spontaneous than you', blah, blah, and 'we should be just friends'.

 

Now, I have lots of things I would like to say in reply. Not to get angry but just to let him know that his decision did not leave room to give anything a chance. There can be give and take spontaneity versus plans, etc. But show I've accepted it, fine.

 

HOWEVER, My friends say - do not reply - he has been selfish and a bit thoughtless of your feelings, so deserves no reply. And they say I would end up stoking his pride if I let him know it's annoyed or affected me. But from my point of view, I hate leaving ends untied and I kind of wanted to have a say.

 

Please advise. It has been 2 weeks since I received the email. I would need to reply soon. Thank you!

 

Unless you were just looking for someone to have sex with and shoot the breeze with for now, to pass the time I do not see the point in replying. He was basically saying, I am self absorbed and irresponsible at this point in my life. I really did not see where he was interested in making an ammendment to that. If he was, I am sure he would not have broken things off. You can write him a reply, tell him he did not give things a chance, and if you are lucky he will actually read the whole thing and when he does he will brush it off.

 

Some people are just in relationships to pass time and have something to do. They still want to be totally focused on what they want, when they want it, and be all about their own interests and feelings.

[PurpleReign]

NOOOOOO!!!!

 

If you really need to vent, just type an email draft (don't address it to anyone). You'll get what's inside of you out, and he won't have the satisfaction of knowing you thought about him for one second after you received that email.

 

Be strong. You're worth more than this guy has to give.

[Faruiza]

Thank you everyone for your comments, I appreciate it. I don't necessarily think the 2 weeks thing is a factor - much more than that yes - because this guy has not much concept of time. Ie, not contacting for days is normal to him. But I take on board what you all say about advising not to reply. The thing is - and I may go on here, but like one of you said, it is better to vent it all out here than on him. The thing is, I thought it would provide some happiness and closure and control to reply. I have felt bizarrly happy knowing that I can communicate my side to him, a bit, anything, to let him know I am a decent human being and I'm mature. I am not what he accused me of - needing constant communication. That was not a fair statement, not remotely. It is his issue with communication.

 

One of you said something true about him telling me he's a jerk in his own way. That's true. And he took the ball right out of my court, that is also true. And he would have made me very unhappy because I cared. Basically, I have been involved with people who I just wanted to see occasionally and sleep with and that felt fine. Because I didn't feel strongly for them, I just fancied them or liked them. But with him, I would not have been able to be so casual - casual plans, casual contact. Well, I COULD have done that, if he'd had the conversation with me. I could have then understood. But he didn't - he made it so I couldn't bargain with him.

 

As much as it hurts to acknowledge this. It is half him being selfish and half him not being certain about me, as more than a friend he is fond of. Although he did say I was beautiful, as recent as the last time we met. Which is weird.

 

I will write a reply and probably not send it. At the moment, my heart and spirit are very very sensitive. I can go from happy and optimistic to sick and sad at the turn of a coin. I need to do what is best for me. Not him. That includes thinking of his reaction if I do or do not write.

 

I am 31 years old and believe in honesty, maturity, strength. It hurts that I lost out on a promising relationship - but hey! It wasn't promising was it?! Not with someone who doesn't like contacting you or making plans! (except when it suits them) That's not mature. I also LOVE the HIV email idea. Love it. Thank you LS, xxxox:o

[selena_cat]

hi

With everyone advising you not to reply I guess youre going to do it anyway,its your call. However I learned the hard way,especially when i ask for advice-,that when i contacted him,and he ignored me.. I should have listened to everyones advice and walk away with dignity.

I understand youre just trying to resolve and let him know your point of view. He obviously wouldnt care right now,guys like that,anything you say to him is begging and pleading bc if you wanted to show him that he's not worth it and you deserve more than a lame e-mail,you could have ignored it.

Once he gets your email and whether he choses to acknowledge it,more than likely not in his head it will be an...oh shes just pleading her case,cant she get the hint? Basically he wouldnt want to hear it,or else he would have opened that door somehow to allow you both a way to resolve your relationship issues.

 

Take it from someone whose in a way traveled that road,and still kicking herself for giving guys like that any time of day,its not pleasant.

Its up to you

[glimmer]

I agree with Selena.

I hope in realizing what's best for you, you decide to not send him an email.

[0hpenelope]

The ex that "brought" me to Loveshack broke up with me via e-mail. I responded, regretted it, made more mistakes with him, regretted that, and then forgot about him.

 

E-mail dumpers are cowards. Reply if you want to and you might have a better outcome simply because your circumstances are different from my past, but replying got me nowhere. It only made my ex feel less guilty about the break-up because my e-mail to him was absolutely pathetic and against my better judgment, I thought I was expressing myself maturely. Turns out my silence would have been a better indicator of maturity because he regarded it with suspicion.

 

E-mails: a medium of communication that makes it easier for people to run from difficult conversations best had face to face if the option were possible. I learned from that experience that when someone says they don't want me around, I will not go after them. Those untied loose ends? My exes wanted it that way and I am not going to tie those loose ends. Closure comes from within and not from external influences. Contact begets more want for contact.

 

If you know you can keep a level head after sending your response to him, go ahead and send one. I just don't see the worth of sending a "one last final e-mail" or what have you to someone who's already checked out - and through e-mail, no less! Yeesh.

[Faruiza]

Glimmer, Selena and OhPenelope, thanks for the feedback.

 

I like this from OhPenelope

 

Closure comes from within and not from external influences. Contact begets more want for contact.

That's what rings true for me. Honestly, my intention in writing would not be to get a response or plead, it would just be for me to put a lid on it. I'm still deciding if I need that lid.

 

I have never been in this situation before so I appreciate the advice. I don't think its a biggie anymore. The biggie has already happened and I've got through that! So it can only be progress from now on, bless all

 

[wmrjw82]

The ex that "brought" me to Loveshack broke up with me via e-mail. I responded, regretted it, made more mistakes with him, regretted that, and then forgot about him.

 

E-mail dumpers are cowards. Reply if you want to and you might have a better outcome simply because your circumstances are different from my past, but replying got me nowhere. It only made my ex feel less guilty about the break-up because my e-mail to him was absolutely pathetic and against my better judgment, I thought I was expressing myself maturely. Turns out my silence would have been a better indicator of maturity because he regarded it with suspicion.

 

E-mails: a medium of communication that makes it easier for people to run from difficult conversations best had face to face if the option were possible. I learned from that experience that when someone says they don't want me around, I will not go after them. Those untied loose ends? My exes wanted it that way and I am not going to tie those loose ends. Closure comes from within and not from external influences. Contact begets more want for contact.

 

If you know you can keep a level head after sending your response to him, go ahead and send one. I just don't see the worth of sending a "one last final e-mail" or what have you to someone who's already checked out - and through e-mail, no less! Yeesh.

 

I'm using this as my new sig... thanks OhPenelope... helps me in my situation tremendously.

[selena_cat]

I too like that comment from Ohpenelope if someone doesnt want you around dont go after them. Thats what we do when we break NC. I was rejected via e-mail and tried to reach out,big mistake. However I so wish my response much more different than actually pleading. If you send a response now and weeks after you thought about it,there will be always something you feel that should have been said.

 

I do understand replying and in a way letting him know,hey I'm in this too,why are you deciding for the both of us,don't I get a say in this?

Either way, if someone choose to end it and cut you off without a single thought, they are using it as control. That kind of person you will never have an equal relationship with since they want to run the show. So even if you did resolve your differences,he'll most likely do it again. Run when things get tough or he doesnt agree with some thing.

 

Furthermore,I'm not sure its realistic to reply and not expect to get any kind of response or,at least an acknowldgment.

I'm saying if you do reply,take your time,i'm saying IRS-ish, sweet Rip Van Winkle time. so whatever you do write,you wont regret or kick yourself like I have.

Edited February 24, 2011 by selena_cat