Hopeful30 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 it's because he wants her more than just a friend, and can't be witness to her dating other men? Some men say they can't stay friends because they are so in love with the woman, and would rather not have her at all then watch her date other guys. Is this true?
bayouboi Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Pretty much why I told my last g/f to stop contacting me.
USMCHokie Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 No, I think it's more because any offer of friendship from the woman is more likely than not to be an insincere attempt to save face and make herself feel better about leaving the guy and finding herself some strange. I'd rather just cut it off from the start than have her pretend to be my friend for a little while and gradually disappear anyway.
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 No, I think it's more because any offer of friendship from the woman is more likely than not to be an insincere attempt to save face and make herself feel better about leaving the guy and finding herself some strange. I'd rather just cut it off from the start than have her pretend to be my friend for a little while and gradually disappear anyway. That's not true. I genuinely care about one of my exes and want to know how things are going in his life, and I will be there to help him should he every need anything. But he decided to cut contact because he said the same thing, I was doing it to feel better, but that's not the case. We haven't spoken in 6 months, but I still care about him and wish to know how he is doing. I don't contact him because he asked me not to, and he asked me to respect that. I still wish I could see how he is doing, but he cut all contact. And it's not to help me feel better, I'm already happily dating someone else.
USMCHokie Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 That's not true. I genuinely care about one of my exes and want to know how things are going in his life, and I will be there to help him should he every need anything. But he decided to cut contact because he said the same thing, I was doing it to feel better, but that's not the case. We haven't spoken in 6 months, but I still care about him and wish to know how he is doing. I don't contact him because he asked me not to, and he asked me to respect that. I still wish I could see how he is doing, but he cut all contact. And it's not to help me feel better, I'm already happily dating someone else. Single data point... Also depends on who left who.
deebeechrisyo Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I used to think that you couldn't stay friends with an ex, but after I got over a recent ex from over a year ago I've had no problems being her friend. The key is to date/like another girl. After any romantic feelings for an ex are gone or transferred to someone else, then it shouldn't be a problem.
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Single data point... Also depends on who left who. I left him.
fishtaco Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I hang out with some of my ex's, and their current boyfriends. No big deal. Some people can do it, some can't. The ones that can't, I respect their decision and I leave them alone.
Trimmer Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) No, I think it's more because any offer of friendship from the woman is more likely than not to be an insincere attempt to save face and make herself feel better about leaving the guy and finding herself some strange. I'd rather just cut it off from the start than have her pretend to be my friend for a little while and gradually disappear anyway. That's not true. That may not be the reality of your motivation as you see it, but what matters from your ex's point of view is his perception. And anyway, more fundamentally - especially given that you left him - what is the upside for him to stay in any contact with you? I genuinely care about one of my exes and want to know how things are going in his life, and I will be there to help him should he every need anything. But he decided to cut contact because he said the same thing, I was doing it to feel better, but that's not the case. We haven't spoken in 6 months, but I still care about him and wish to know how he is doing. I don't contact him because he asked me not to, and he asked me to respect that. I still wish I could see how he is doing, but he cut all contact. And it's not to help me feel better, I'm already happily dating someone else. Here's your answer: he'll be fine without you. You moved on by leaving him. He's moving on without you. It's time for you to move on without him. Whether or not we establish that you are trying to "make yourself feel better" (in the sense of justifying your departure from the relationship), it's clear that you have something nagging at you that draws you back to him. I appreciate (and I hope he does, too) that you are respecting his wish not to have any contact. To directly address your question, it's useless to try to make a blanket statement that "men CAN/CAN'T stay friends with an ex." Either one - expressed as a broad certainty - is a ridiculous pronouncement. Some can, some can't; I understand situations on both sides, and many reasons for both. In your particular case, I understand that you want something from him - to "know how he is doing", as you put it... (I think this comes very close to "making you feel better", even if we accept that it's not the same as trying to justify your departure from the relationship.) Looking at it from the other side, I also completely understand what is likely to be his perspective: there's no upside in it for him, and he's better off moving forward in his life, instead of looking back. You aren't a part of his future, and he's acting accordingly. So maybe the question to ask is not "why can't/won't my ex stay friends?" as much as "what would be in it for him?" Edited February 22, 2011 by Trimmer
threebyfate Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I hang out with some of my ex's, and their current boyfriends. No big deal. Some people can do it, some can't. The ones that can't, I respect their decision and I leave them alone.I also have contact with exes, where my husband and I go out with my exes and their dates or SOs. Same thing again, as well as some exes aren't worth maintaining contact with. It all depends on whether you like them as people/friends or not.
phineas Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Every ex either left me for another guy, cheated or was just a total bitch / drama queen & I told them to take a hike. basically, Their ex's because I don't want people like that in my life anymore. Oh and when I did try being friends with an ex they tried using me as a helper monkey. so never again.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 it's because he wants her more than just a friend, and can't be witness to her dating other men? Some men say they can't stay friends because they are so in love with the woman, and would rather not have her at all then watch her date other guys. Is this true? No it's not true. Sometimes... maybe. The x/GF's that I won't keep in contact with are because they are not quality. The only time I would be upset to see an X/GF date another guy is if I was a total loser and had nothing going on myself.
Stockalone Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 it's because he wants her more than just a friend, and can't be witness to her dating other men? Some men say they can't stay friends because they are so in love with the woman, and would rather not have her at all then watch her date other guys. Is this true? If those men really can't be friends, then maybe that is the reason. However, some men simply don't want to be friends with their exes. If a woman no longer wants to be my gf and decides to end the relationsip, then that's okay, but she shouldn't expect me to accept less (friendship) than what I had before (relationship). When the relationship ends, I do what is best for me. And as far as I am concerned, remaining friends has more downside than upside. That's why I don't stay in contact with exes.
Trimmer Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) If those men really can't be friends, then maybe that is the reason. However, some men simply don't want to be friends with their exes. If a woman no longer wants to be my gf and decides to end the relationsip, then that's okay, but she shouldn't expect me to accept less (friendship) than what I had before (relationship). When the relationship ends, I do what is best for me. And as far as I am concerned, remaining friends has more downside than upside. That's why I don't stay in contact with exes. I completely agree with this. It seems the question is "why can't he", as if he wants to, it would be a good thing for him, but somehow he is just too distraught or too weak to do it. He can't. He's pining for contact with her, but he just can't. It would be too painful, so he can't. When in fact, it is probably more that he just won't, because he has decided he doesn't want to. As you put it, what's the point? More downside than upside. It's not as ego-boosting to picture him steady and strong and moving on with his life as it is thinking he's still greiving and unable to reach out and do what he craves, but I think it's probably more realistic - certainly more and more realistic as time and healing occurs. One other point I forgot to make to the OP earlier... In case you think this is a possible upside to him remaining in any kind of contact: ...I will be there to help him should he ever need anything... Now, I know that I said not to make blanket pronouncements, but I have to say that most guys who have been dumped and have accepted it and are trying to move on would rather cut off a testicle with a rusty tin can lid and forfeit a valuable "man card" before that would sound like anything they would want to do. OK, sure, if he needs a kidney, or a bone marrow transplant, and you happen to be the only match, then yes, perhaps he might reach out. Otherwise, I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for the phone to ring to exchange recipies or sit up late discussing relationship advice, or what temperature water to wash his brights in. (Kinda felt like I was channelling a little Dr. Perry Cox there for a moment...) Edited February 23, 2011 by Trimmer
Ay Diesel T Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 This always makes me laugh. Why the HELL would you stick around and watch the woman you love slowly slip away? She's only offering you the friend card to let you down easy, but eventually, she'll care less about your friendship, as she'll move on to other things, like the next guy's genitalia. I'd promptly tell a woman I love to stuff her friendship off in her ass. That's a slap in a face. Someone you love is on their way out and they're like "So listen...uh...we're cool right? I mean, we can be friends yeah?" As she's jumping into the new guy's drop Benz on dubs in a skimpy outfit, and the guy tosses out some used rubbers on your doorstep. **** outta here! Again, spineless saps out there ruining it for everyone. If you don't accept her friendship somehow you're insecure? Mannnnnnnn.....*breathes deeply*
Intricategirl Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 It depends. Usually, you can't stay friends. It's just too complicated to give a rule that fits across the board. Significant and somewhat significant relationships: Ex-husband- not friends, but friendly. We chatted for about an hour today, and I even asked him, "How do people that hate each other get divorced? It's so much easier when you don't want to murder each other." That being said, we are very much NOT friends. 1- "facebook friends". Occasional dinner with other friends. Not much beyond that. I suspect he wants more, and if he does, that will probably be the end of the friendship, because I never go backwards and don't want to torture someone with my presence. 2- I will not speak with him again. He told me he wants more, and the way he went about it was so disrespectful that I've cut him out of my life. 3- He's a good man, he's in a new relationship that he started immediately after we split up, and his girlfriend is much better for him than I ever was. Neither of us was in love with the other, but I hold him very dear for very specific reasons. I hope that when I get married again, he'll either perform the ceremony or give me away. 4- I don't think he'll contact me again, and if he does, I'm not sure what I would have to say. Not a hell no, but I can't imagine why I need him in my life.
callingyouuu Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 This way this question was asked bothers me a little bit. I think it's because of the conclusion that you jumped to as to why he doesn't want to be friends. I don't mean to be offensive, but the way you phrased the question, it just sounds like you're looking for an ego boost by knowing that he still pines after you. He doesn't want to be friends. Jumping to conclusions about why he doesn't want to be friends isn't relevant, especially if that conclusion is that thinking of you is just too painful for him.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 This always makes me laugh. Why the HELL would you stick around and watch the woman you love slowly slip away? She's only offering you the friend card to let you down easy, but eventually, she'll care less about your friendship, as she'll move on to other things, like the next guy's genitalia. I'd promptly tell a woman I love to stuff her friendship off in her ass. That's a slap in a face. Someone you love is on their way out and they're like "So listen...uh...we're cool right? I mean, we can be friends yeah?" As she's jumping into the new guy's drop Benz on dubs in a skimpy outfit, and the guy tosses out some used rubbers on your doorstep. **** outta here! Again, spineless saps out there ruining it for everyone. If you don't accept her friendship somehow you're insecure? Mannnnnnnn.....*breathes deeply* /agree From a woman's perspective I am not going to be left feeling like a used piece of trash. I don't want to be around someone who has rejected and hurt me so badly. And if I dump someone I do not want to be friends with them because it will just rub salt in their wounds when I move on, or cause jealousy when he flirts with other women. I don't want to be vindictive and hurt someone any more than it absolutely necessary with a break up. I want him to have the best chance to move on and find someone more compatible with him. I also don't want to be hurt more than absolutely necessary.
USMCHokie Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 This way this question was asked bothers me a little bit. I think it's because of the conclusion that you jumped to as to why he doesn't want to be friends. I don't mean to be offensive, but the way you phrased the question, it just sounds like you're looking for an ego boost by knowing that he still pines after you. He doesn't want to be friends. Jumping to conclusions about why he doesn't want to be friends isn't relevant, especially if that conclusion is that thinking of you is just too painful for him. This is exactly what I was thinking...sounds like the only reason someone wouldn't want to speak to his dumper was because he was still too much in love with her...?
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