Anna86 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I will try keep this as brief as possible, I don't want to bore you with all the details! Anyway, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me over a month ago. I did see it coming. He wanted more space in the relationship and wanted to dedicate himself more to his career and hobbies as he felt he fell behind these things. He told me this before we broke up but I really didn't give him the space he needed. We spent almost everyday together before this point, we shared the same mutual friends, and went to the same places at the weekend. Looking back, I am not so sure how normal this was. However, I reacted badly to him wanting space. I took this as rejection. I thought it meant he didn't love me anymore, I am still unsure. I look back now and I realise it was unhealthy to spend all that time with one other person. I needed space also, I just didn't know it. I always wanted to move to this area where I live now, but I was scared to move too far away from him. He broke up with me so I just took a chance, went for a good job and got it. Since we have broken up I have gained a lot of insight to the relationship and what went wrong. He didn't communicate how unhappy he was with no space in the relationship. I mean, he wasn't at all perfect at dealing with the break up. He should have communicated with me. I knew something was up but he kept denying in which made me even more suspicious. Anyway, he asked me to remain friends with him. I decided to as we didn't have a nasty break up. I guess I knew things weren't working with the whole space issues. So we speak on the phone a few times a week. I told him at one stage I couldn't keep doing this but he told me that it was a good idea to keep in contact. So today he called me. Everything was fine on the phone. Just chatting about mutual friends and life. Then, out of nowhere he tells me how sorry he was about everything that has happened. He went really quiet and I could tell he was crying. He told me he will always be there for me and wants to be there for me next week. I am doing something next week and he wants to come with me and support me. I told him it wasn't a good idea and that a friend will help me. Then he told me he won't hurt me and that he will always be there for me. He told me any time I have a problem to call him and he will help me. So what is this all about???? Why is he doing this? He broke up with me!! Surely, he should just let me go and let me live my life without this. Why does he say all this to me? I am not going to lie. I want to get back with him. I love him still. I have met a few other guys during our break up but I just don't care. I love my ex dearly. I really don't think he is stringing me along. He is not that kind of guy. He is a good person and has never played any games with me during our relationship. I have been with guys like that and he is not one of them. Do you think that we could ever get back together? I know he has to be the one to initiate it? What should I do? I love him so much and I know that we can perhaps work this time as I have learnt a valuable lesson about space and I know how important it is to not lose yourself in someone else. Which is what I done to him. He told me last week that he saw me give up my independence for him and he said it was so upsetting to watch.
SmoothJimmy Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm only young and foolish, but I don't see any reason for not giving it another try. You both still love each other, you had a clean breakup, and honestly it sounds like now that he has had the space he craved, he has realised what he really wants - you. Ultimately though you need to do what you think is right. If you think it might work then personally I would go about it sooner rather than later, so that no anger or resentment starts to build up between you, but maybe say to him that you don't want it to happen again so he knows that its not okay to walk all over you and that if he hurts you that you aren't going to just wait around for him.
smudge21 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Just remember, whatever you decide, he left you, so if you do let him back into your life, make sure it's on your terms. Don't let him control the situation and make sure he knows he hurt you before. Second chances can work, aslong as both parties really do want them to work. Good luck.
Author Anna86 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 So a few hours ago I decided to look at a dating website to see if he had joined one. Well, I was SHOCKED beyond belief when in fact he had!! What makes it worse is that his last log in date was the day we broke up! I called him in such a rage. I said horrible hurtful things to him because I was so hurt! He told me he didn't want another girlfriend and then I see him on this site. He told me he created it the day we broke up because he felt a void in his life. He said he felt scared of being alone so he wanted to talk to other girls to make him feel better. He says his first and last log in was that day. I'm so shocked and hurt at this. He said he didn't go back to the site as he said after a few hours he really thought it was a bad idea. His last log in was the day we broke up. I'm just so confused? What was he up to? Is it a credible story? So after I calmed down and called him every name under the sun we spoke to each other calmly. He told me he misses me more every day and that he loves me just as much as we did when we broke up. I told him not to say that if it isn't true. He told me thats how he feels. He said he didn't realise how hard it would be to get over me and how it gets worse each day. He said he loves me and wants me in his life still. He said I was the perfect girlfriend and the most beautiful girl he has met. I just wonder if it is all bull###t. Why can't he just say 'I don't love you anymore and I am getting over you''. If its the truth, why can't he say it? Also, he is not trying to string me along or use me for anything. I know that. Please help with any advice. I spoke with a mutual friend and she thinks that hes telling the truth. She thinks that he did have doubts about me and acted on impulse and is now obviously feeling crap as he is all alone. I am soooo confused and I am trying to get over all this. But I love him. I just hope he isn't a love rat. As I never ever would have thought he was.
florence of suburbia Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I feel for you, and I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you just proved to him once again that you're possessive and controlling.
Author Anna86 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Thank you for your replies, I know that there are second chances but after the latest discovery I am thrown off the idea........ Im not really sure of how I am being possessive after fiding him on a dating website. I was just shocked and freaked out he would join one while breaking up with me...I think most girls would ask the same!!!! He has told me over and over how bad and ashamed he feels about it. I dont know what to say to him!! I am really confused!!!! He knows that I am still hurt by it.... We were talking today and he told me that he really doesnt want a relationship with anyone at the moment. But then, why join a dating website!!! I am really trying to believe him but its hard..... What makes it more confusing is that he really doesnt have time for a girlfriend, I mean, he spends so much time doing his things... He told me that hes looking forward to seeing me and that he wants to buy me dinner one last time to apologise for everything!! I guess he feels guilty?? I mean, why else would he want to buy me dinner? Im pretty sure he doesnt want to get back with me......i told him i would have to think about it and thanks for the offer....... ahhhh.....I can't make sense of this and what is going through his head!!!! Does anyone have any advice!!! It would help me shed light on this stressful time
imyuinny Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Well this guy sounds like he doesn't know what he wants... but we don't really know the truth. He told me that hes looking forward to seeing me and that he wants to buy me dinner one last time to apologise for everything!! I guess he feels guilty?? I mean, why else would he want to buy me dinner? Im pretty sure he doesnt want to get back with me......i told him i would have to think about it and thanks for the offer....... About this part, I'm a bit confused. It sounds like he does want to get back with you or somewhat yes stringing you along until he feel's comfortable with what is right for himself. Quite selfish really. What you did was right by thanking him for the offer and thinking about it before jumping the gun. He sounds like in a confused state of denial, wanting you back because he misses the intimacy of a relationship and torn between his freedom to do whatever he wants/needs to do. He needs time to figure out for himself. But thats just my hunch. About getting back together? I suggest for you to take a step back and see the situation unfold itself. It's too early to tell. I know you have feelings for him which makes the whole situation a little more unnerving and the anxiety will linger. If he wants you back... he needs to buck up on his side to prove to you that he wants to make it work. Not only you... so relax girl and do the things you wanna do.
Author Anna86 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it so much! You are right, he doesn't know what he wants. He pretty much told me that today. We spoke on the phone and he said he needs time to think about what happened with us. I told him that it will be too hard to be friends with him if he tells me he still loves me. He then told me he loved me and thought it was a good idea to be friends. He also says he hates going cold turkey. I think its selfish of him to toy with my emotions because he misses me. I want to give him a chance, meet him for dinner and hear what he has to say. I want to see if we are still in love. But since I found out about his dating website I just feel so insecure about it. I don't trust him, I wonder if he was on that dating website while we were together. He denies this of course. But I did have a sneaky suspicion he may have cheated on me or at least texted/emailed some girls during our relationship. He gets a lot of attention from girls at the moment because of what he does. It is around this time when we became shaky. I wonder if he thought the grass was greener on the other side, and now he sees it wasn't and is unsure of his decision?? This is just my theory. It feels like that to me. That is my gut feeling. However, I still doubt myself at times!! I wonder if I am missing something. I am not stupid and have pretty much been able to read his mind up to this point. Now, because I am not around him, I can't see tell what he is thinking. One minute I hate him and say I never want to see him, the next minute I love him and want to give him a chance. I feel like a stupid girl when I love him so I am trying to concentrate on the dating site and try to think about how he may have cheated on me. It's a crazy way of coping!! But really bad for my mental health. I just can't figure him out!!! Am I normal with how I feel? I just want someone who knows exactly what is going on to tell me to get a hold of myself and to just move on right now!!! I know he is the only one who can do that but he seems just as confused by this too. I guess he thought he would break up with me, concentrate on his career, live his life and meet new girls. He thought it would be easy. I guess he is pissed that it's not that easy. He thought his life would be easier without me and that he would be happier. Now he is having doubts. It hurts he is sharing all this with me as I need to heal. He's making it 10 times harder for me to heal. Does anybody have any more advice or could shed some light on this situation??? Has anyone been in a similar situation????
Author Anna86 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Anyone got any advice? I am so confused about the internet dating site? He told me that he joined it when we broke up so he could get over me easier? He thought talking to a girl online would make it easier. Then he said he decided he didn't want to do that. But I find that hard to believe. He keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship with anyone. But joining an internet dating site makes it look like he does!!
florence of suburbia Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Anyone got any advice? I am so confused about the internet dating site? He told me that he joined it when we broke up so he could get over me easier? He thought talking to a girl online would make it easier. Then he said he decided he didn't want to do that. But I find that hard to believe. He keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship with anyone. But joining an internet dating site makes it look like he does!! You were broken up. Was he suppposed to continue being faithful to you even though you were no longer together?
Author Anna86 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I would love to believe that he joined it after we broke up, but he last logged in 2 days before he broke up with me. I saw the dates. He told me the dates were wrong on the website? Is that even possible? That's what hurts the most. That was pretty much cheating in my opinion? I guess our relationship was over by then but we were clutching at straws. However, we were still a couple and it hurts that he joined it before he broke up. I think it's quite selfish that he was setting himself up for the fall! He made sure he knew he could have a new woman or two before he had the courage to break up. Or maybe he just wanted a new woman and joined it? I find it hard to believe this as he did have feelings for me. I am utterly confused.
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I would love to believe that he joined it after we broke up, but he last logged in 2 days before he broke up with me. I saw the dates. He told me the dates were wrong on the website? Is that even possible? That's what hurts the most. That was pretty much cheating in my opinion? I guess our relationship was over by then but we were clutching at straws. However, we were still a couple and it hurts that he joined it before he broke up. I think it's quite selfish that he was setting himself up for the fall! He made sure he knew he could have a new woman or two before he had the courage to break up. Or maybe he just wanted a new woman and joined it? I find it hard to believe this as he did have feelings for me. I am utterly confused. Well in your other posts it said he last logged on the day you split up, so which is it? You are obsessing over the dating site unneccessarily because he split up with you anyway, thus making it obvious he had doubts about you. Being on a dating site is not outright cheating especially as the timeline to him ending it is so closely knitted.
Author Anna86 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 no, HE told me it was the day we split. The dating website said it was the day or two before. I told him this and he said it was after we broke up as 'he has too much respect for me' to join it before. Yeah right, I 'm not sure I believe that line. I either believe the website or him. So far, he is dishonest about the whole thing so why should I believe him. At first I did believe it. But I think I will stick to facts right now!! I don't think its possible that the website is wrong. If the website said it was the day we broke up then I wouldn't be as upset. Plus, if you are that upset about breaking up, I can't imagine joining a dating site will help!
flow15 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Hun, you have to stop obsessing. Whether he joined the site the day you broke up, or two days before, or two days after... the point is you're not together anymore. So it really doesn't matter. Also, you have to realise that when someone breaks up with you, they don't just do it impulsively.. he was probably thinking about doing it for a long time, thats why its so much easier for the dumper to move on. So if he had joined to dating site 2 days before he dumped you, it wasn't really 'cheating' because he probably already knew he was gonna dump you. And also I'd like to add that guys generally like to make sure they have options before they end it. I know it sucks, I hate it that its so much easier for guys to move on!!! I know its horrible to think, but you just have to realize how much of a jerk this guy is and you have to stop obsessing over the little things. He's ended it now, so what you should be concentrating on is trying to heal and move on Edited February 26, 2011 by flow15
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