2408 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm in a LDR for 7 months now (in a 9 month relationship). We're both 21. He's over 2000 miles away in med school. I'm a student too. We meet each other once every 6 months maybe? (Flight tickets aren't cheap and we're both not working yet). We've got 4 years and 4 months left until this ends. I do whatever I can to keep him happy because he is under a lot of pressure studying. So like everyone else, I send him emails, letters, surprise parcels, random texts, pictures, and anything I can think off. I don't usually get a reply, but I still do it anyway. I call him every morning to wake him up because sometimes he stays up late and couldn't wake up the next morning. When he has to prepare for exams, we usually communicate less. 30 minutes a day, and it has gone down to 15 minutes, and now he tells me he can only spare 5 minutes a day to talk to me on Skype (no calls/ texts in between). And lately, he has exams every other month. So 5 minutes a day for probably over a month now. I'm not liking this, but he tells me he cannot allocate anymore time for me. It's so hard trying to cramp everything into 5 minutes. I spend more than 5 minutes a day in the bathroom. I trust him completely. I'm not afraid that he will out cheating. I'm just very terrified that he doesn't put in any effort into maintaining this LDR and it might affect is in the long run. I put in 110% in this relationship. I wish he could give half of what I give in. I'm not asking for more. When I bring this topic up, he might talk to me for another 5 minutes (10 minutes a day and I was really happy, that's not very normal). I can't be bringing this up every time we talk because he's already under a lot of pressure. I'm told that I'm blindly in love, and I am neglecting my own needs. I always tell myself, just because he doesn't love me the way I want him to, doesn't mean he don't love me with what he has. But 5 minutes a day is really making me frustrated. When we Skype, I'll still be frustrated because I don't if I should listen to him, or should I tell him about my day. Hi and bye takes up 30 seconds already. How do I deal with this for another 4 years? How to I tell him (again) what I really feel? I admit, I need assurance occasionally. Silly it may sound but it makes me stronger. I've got no one to talk to about this because everyone else is happily in the arms of their loved ones and I wont be seeing mine until July. Sincerely, thanks.
madjac74 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm in a LDR for 7 months now (in a 9 month relationship). We're both 21. He's over 2000 miles away in med school. I'm a student too. We meet each other once every 6 months maybe? (Flight tickets aren't cheap and we're both not working yet). We've got 4 years and 4 months left until this ends. I do whatever I can to keep him happy because he is under a lot of pressure studying. So like everyone else, I send him emails, letters, surprise parcels, random texts, pictures, and anything I can think off. I don't usually get a reply, but I still do it anyway. I call him every morning to wake him up because sometimes he stays up late and couldn't wake up the next morning. When he has to prepare for exams, we usually communicate less. 30 minutes a day, and it has gone down to 15 minutes, and now he tells me he can only spare 5 minutes a day to talk to me on Skype (no calls/ texts in between). And lately, he has exams every other month. So 5 minutes a day for probably over a month now. I'm not liking this, but he tells me he cannot allocate anymore time for me. It's so hard trying to cramp everything into 5 minutes. I spend more than 5 minutes a day in the bathroom. I trust him completely. I'm not afraid that he will out cheating. I'm just very terrified that he doesn't put in any effort into maintaining this LDR and it might affect is in the long run. I put in 110% in this relationship. I wish he could give half of what I give in. I'm not asking for more. When I bring this topic up, he might talk to me for another 5 minutes (10 minutes a day and I was really happy, that's not very normal). I can't be bringing this up every time we talk because he's already under a lot of pressure. I'm told that I'm blindly in love, and I am neglecting my own needs. I always tell myself, just because he doesn't love me the way I want him to, doesn't mean he don't love me with what he has. But 5 minutes a day is really making me frustrated. When we Skype, I'll still be frustrated because I don't if I should listen to him, or should I tell him about my day. Hi and bye takes up 30 seconds already. How do I deal with this for another 4 years? How to I tell him (again) what I really feel? I admit, I need assurance occasionally. Silly it may sound but it makes me stronger. I've got no one to talk to about this because everyone else is happily in the arms of their loved ones and I wont be seeing mine until July. Sincerely, thanks. Well I hate to tell you this but it could only get worse. Im not sure what field he is going into but the medical field in general is all very demanding. My SO was married to a neurosurgeon and she divorced him because he was just too devoted to his career. The lifestyle is great no doubt but the demands are too much for their personal lives.
lonely79 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I think its different for everybody as far as how much time per day is enough....that might be enough for someone, but not the next person. It sounds like it's not enough for you, and there's not anything wrong with that! It also sounds like he's not listening to you and trying to meet your needs. I dont care how stressed you are from studying, you could still spend at least 15 minutes on the phone with your girlfriend/boyfriend. i have a pretty busy life, working full time, and being a single mom to a busy toddler, but i ALWAYS have time for my LDR SO. thats because i WANT to have and make time. we chat on IM every weekday, send each other random texts after work, and will talk on the phone 1 or 2 times a week, skype about once per week....there ARE some days (usually the weekends) we dont talk/text but its rare, theres usually at least one text convo if nothing else. it takes like 3 seconds to send a text, a couple minutes for a quick email, etc. maybe he's not that much of a communicator or he's got tunnel vision when he's focused....but you have to decide for yourself if you can handle that. if you need more, then you need more and if he isnt willing to give it to you then I think maybe you need to think pretty hard about that. i know that with my SO, we had a weekend where he didnt text me, call me or anything, and i had sent him a cute text but got nothing back and i was really hurt. I know he doesnt always have to respond but for a whole weekend to pass with nothing is really uncalled for (he sent me like one "just wanted to say hi!" text all weekend). we talked about it, i told him it made me feel unimportant, and he felt really bad - it wasnt intentional, he just didnt think (had visitors, was out and about etc). so he sincerely apologized and i have seen a definite effort on his part to make sure it doesnt happen again. I am soo impressed by this but I do believe that its also what i deserve. if he didnt take me seriously or didnt try to make an effort to change it, then I would worry and feel very unimportant to him. we have found what works for BOTH of us and I think thats important. It sounds like your SO is only doing what works for him and not you.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I echo what lonely79 said. It doesn't sound like enough effort on his part to keep the r/ship going, it's true we all need different levels of contact, so maybe some people would be ok with 5 mins a day, but I don't think many would, certainly not for 4 years If both partners were happy with 5 mins a day I still don't see how it would be enough to keep a couple going for 4 years, or even a year or two, if you're only meeting every 6 months, you need the contact to stay bonded together and remain close. I would get fed up, I would feel he wasn't enthusiastic about me/us. I would want someone who wasn't too busy for me. It's true you need to get on with your own life and not focus on him 24/7, but no matter how content you are in your own life away from him, 5 minutes of contact is still a problem and it's going to get you down. It's not wrong to want reassurance, especially in an LDR. I never felt insecure in any other r/ship, because my partners were there in person and able to hug me etc. You are wanting more reassurance as he's not showing you he cares. Are you happy being with someone who doesn't have time for you, can you do this for 4 years? I'm in a LDR for 7 months now (in a 9 month relationship). We're both 21. He's over 2000 miles away in med school. I'm a student too. We meet each other once every 6 months maybe? (Flight tickets aren't cheap and we're both not working yet). We've got 4 years and 4 months left until this ends. I do whatever I can to keep him happy because he is under a lot of pressure studying. So like everyone else, I send him emails, letters, surprise parcels, random texts, pictures, and anything I can think off. I don't usually get a reply, but I still do it anyway. I call him every morning to wake him up because sometimes he stays up late and couldn't wake up the next morning. When he has to prepare for exams, we usually communicate less. 30 minutes a day, and it has gone down to 15 minutes, and now he tells me he can only spare 5 minutes a day to talk to me on Skype (no calls/ texts in between). And lately, he has exams every other month. So 5 minutes a day for probably over a month now. I'm not liking this, but he tells me he cannot allocate anymore time for me. It's so hard trying to cramp everything into 5 minutes. I spend more than 5 minutes a day in the bathroom. I trust him completely. I'm not afraid that he will out cheating. I'm just very terrified that he doesn't put in any effort into maintaining this LDR and it might affect is in the long run. I put in 110% in this relationship. I wish he could give half of what I give in. I'm not asking for more. When I bring this topic up, he might talk to me for another 5 minutes (10 minutes a day and I was really happy, that's not very normal). I can't be bringing this up every time we talk because he's already under a lot of pressure. I'm told that I'm blindly in love, and I am neglecting my own needs. I always tell myself, just because he doesn't love me the way I want him to, doesn't mean he don't love me with what he has. But 5 minutes a day is really making me frustrated. When we Skype, I'll still be frustrated because I don't if I should listen to him, or should I tell him about my day. Hi and bye takes up 30 seconds already. How do I deal with this for another 4 years? How to I tell him (again) what I really feel? I admit, I need assurance occasionally. Silly it may sound but it makes me stronger. I've got no one to talk to about this because everyone else is happily in the arms of their loved ones and I wont be seeing mine until July. Sincerely, thanks.
brinsy Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 5 minutes a day...of course not enough at all! For sure he can NOT size how long he can or wants to talk to the one he loves...If he wants to talk to you, not for 5 hours, even for 5 days he would like to talk to you!
LuckyLady13 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 This isn't a relationship. 5 minutes a day? Are you prepared 4 years from now to have a "relationship" like this? I hope you don't think this will get better after med school, it's not going to. It's going to get worse. This sounds like a case of "he's not that into you" but that doesn't mean he's into someone else. Sounds like he's into himself and his future career. I'd cancel this relationship on the grounds of "lack of interest" and find someone who wants to spend more time with you. You'll be much happier.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 your priorities are different and it's apparent that his studies are more on top of his list than your relationship. sad to say, this is not gonna work unless you both come up with a resolution. 4 years and 4 months with 5 mins each day, without a concrete plan of meeting soon...i think there's more into this. i have a hunch that he's deliberately doing this so you'd breakup with him.
blugirl Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Heh, it's kinda similar what happened to me today suddenly..... I got an email from him as usual but at the end of it there was a sentence: "Would it be ok if I concentrate on this [learning a lg to get a certificate at the end of the year] but I may not be able to get much in touch in the internet?" ........ and after reading all the responses here I think that it's just trying to give me a hint that there's no use to be emotionally engaged anymore.... I feel so nailed to the floor. Don't know what to reply now
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Heh, it's kinda similar what happened to me today suddenly..... I got an email from him as usual but at the end of it there was a sentence: "Would it be ok if I concentrate on this [learning a lg to get a certificate at the end of the year] but I may not be able to get much in touch in the internet?" ........ and after reading all the responses here I think that it's just trying to give me a hint that there's no use to be emotionally engaged anymore.... I feel so nailed to the floor. Don't know what to reply now hi blugirl! did you ask him how much is "not be able to get much" for him? it is important to clarify that, especially in an LDR setup. ironically though, my fiance and i don't have such agreement how much we will spend time online everyday. but that's because he's so good with touching base with me. we have facebook, e-mail, phone, weekend xbox live chat/video chat, messenger chat...i don't even have to tell him what time to get online. some guys can't juggle everything, clueless with women's needs or have different priorities. to present your case, you have to tell him that you place your relationship as your top priority (i'm assuming) and for you, constant communication is important to nurture the relationship. though there are inevitable circumstance, you both have to find a solution that works for you both.
creighton0123 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Compromise. He has to sacrifice a little and you have to sacrifice a little. If you don't meet in the middle, you'll end up feeling both resentment and doubt. Sure, 5 minutes a day can be fine. Have him toss you an hour once a week that you can both look forward to. I don't care how busy a person is. No one is THAT busy that they can't spare an hour to talk to someone important in their lives. If you can't compromise or if he fights or is unwilling, it says quite a bit about how willing he is to give up some free time here or there to communicate. Hell.. even if you don't talk for five days and then have an hour or two, that might be better than only 5 minutes a day. Lastly, don't believe that every second you're talking you must communicate. Even if Skype/Video chat is open and he's studying or you're studying, that's still time together. Example: Right now, boyfriend and I have a skype channel open. He's watching a TV show before he goes to work and I'm typing to you guys. We've had the video chat open for two hours now and have perhaps actually talked for no less than 5 minutes. Every week or so we have a more in depth conversation.
blugirl Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 hi blugirl! did you ask him how much is "not be able to get much" for him? it is important to clarify that, especially in an LDR setup. ironically though, my fiance and i don't have such agreement how much we will spend time online everyday. but that's because he's so good with touching base with me. we have facebook, e-mail, phone, weekend xbox live chat/video chat, messenger chat...i don't even have to tell him what time to get online. some guys can't juggle everything, clueless with women's needs or have different priorities. to present your case, you have to tell him that you place your relationship as your top priority (i'm assuming) and for you, constant communication is important to nurture the relationship. though there are inevitable circumstance, you both have to find a solution that works for you both. Thank you a lot, tokyo gal though I'm starting to suspect there may be 'someone else' behind it all.... but maybe it's just that I'm starting to be paranoid about things. Need to clear it up....
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