Duckduckgoose Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Yeah you look good, he's gonna be hurting haha. Its really funny when the next person they date is waaaay uglier. Then you can look at them like "Haha look at the ugly bitch he's with now. Downgrade!" A lot of men like red hair. My dad is a red head, and red heads are very unique people. All red headed women I have seen are very beautiful. I am a woman, so I wouldn't date a red head, but still. They are super hot! Of course my dad won't let me live down that the first guy I ever dated was a red head My hair is "dirty blonde" but it lights up copper and gold in the sunlight.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Depp - South Park's social satire really is brilliant - although they push it way over the top most of the time - but I love it. Has me screaming it's so crazy. Have you seen the manbearpig one with Al Gore? And the article's forthcoming in a print journal - it's called Medieval Perspectives - issue 25. On Chaucer (yipee-not). The funny thing is that I don't even really like Chaucer - I wrote it for a grad class. Chaucer is bor-ing. But we are hijacking the thread. I do think closure comes from within. My point about closure is just that I hate leaving things so ugly. I really feel like love makes the world go 'round - even though that's idealistic and sounds stupid - but having an "enemy"? Yikes. It's hard to live with. Plus I care about the jerk and it's hard to look back on all our experiences together in the past two years and see them as a waste. I know a lot of dumpees feel this way. Can't we just agree that we had something sweet, now it's over, wish each other well and go our separate ways? That's closure to me. I don't know what other people's forms of closure are.
depplover_1980 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I don't believe I've seen that one yet, sounds fun. My fav has to be Tom Cruise 'trapped in the closet', which is a rip off of R Kelly's music opera - if you've never seen that then youtube it. I don't know if he's being serious or not, but it makes me laugh a lot. Yeah your idea of closure is normal and reasonable, but you are dealing with a man that is neither of those things. You know this though. But it is so frustrating. The man is an arsehole on legs (picture that one;)).
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Heya Duckduck thanks for the compliment - I'm old and fading fast lol. Thanks to hair dye we can all be redheads. That pic is my natural color but I get highlights usually - and I'm thinking about going way blonder real soon. I will be really surprised if anyone EVER dates my ex. He is so freaking difficult, that had the sexual chemistry not been so hot, I would have dumped him early on. I'm a little too loyal and just kept trying. Plus he had me convinced it was me, not him. I wonder who the next girl will be . . . hmmmm poor thing. I think I have seen the Tom Cruise one - was it related to the Oprah jumping episode. He is a nut. I have to go! I'm supposed to be writing and Panera closes in 15 minutes and I only have 4 pages! Nighty-night luvahs
Whatshername Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) SIGH. Ok, I went to Florida and yes, had a very much needed time away from home, work, and the normal routine to divert from the breakup pain. On route I took something expensive back to the ex. I did not have to but I could not keep it. OH MY GOSH. It was in several boxes, which I carted to his door, he opened the door, let me bring them in and when done, I stood to look at him. I told him I was returning it bc it did not belong to me and I could not keep it. I had written a letter after a supposed 3 day weekend where we made up (with NO apology), telling him about needing an apology/his letting me know the contact was over with the woman he nearly cheated with. He had never responded, and it had been about 10 days. I asked him if we had anything to talk about. He shook his head, and gave me the blank look. I asked him why he did not respond to my letter. He said NOTHING. This went on for a few minutes. He was determined to ignore me/give me the silent treatment so I'd leave. I went to the bathroom. I got a drink. I faced him, and basically said several things I had never had the guts to say. I called him on all of his lies/deceit/and crap that he played off before, blaming the "other woman". I asked him why he had acted as if we were made up and then copped out. He said..."it's too late.....and later "it's not going to work". I asked why. Silence. Well, I got mad, I cried, I said things, he never thought I would say, as I am the never rock the boat woman, never wanting to upset him, bc he goes silent. It hurt, it was probably not something anyone would advise, nor will any of you commend me for, but at least I got out all of the crazy ass thoughts/things that I had never had the never to say to his face. I swore. I paced. I raised my voice for emphasis. I was very clear/precise and did not mince words. I am sure the very reason it won't work, is because these people cannot handle REAL. You were right Depp. Too much love/too much push against his fearful walls guarding against intimacy and too much for him to deal with, rather than escape into silence. I then drove the next 500 miles to my destination and am SO glad I didn't put it off til the way home. Silence is NOT golden. Edited February 24, 2011 by Whatshername
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Hey whatshername - sorry you had a rough time. I don't know if I would have given him that much energy. It's not worth it really. The whole "shunning" thing or "silent treatment" or whatever you call it is just literal hell. I think it's part of the whole gaslighting thing these narcs do - they WANT you to feel so frustrated you go crazy. The thing is, it's like watching a fly buzz around when you poke it with a pencil - they are amused by our emotional reactions. Supposedly the best way to deal with them is not to react, but it's hard. I'm having a tough day today. Texted him that I just wanted to talk, why is he doing this. Then I sent an email telling him that I thought he had serious problems and needed to get help (in a nice way - lol - seriously, I was really nice). Now I just feel like utter sh**, like I don't even exist and am some sort of stalker for even trying to contact him when he is ignoring me. I learned, though, that any kind of contact needs to be avoided for OUR sake. Every time I see him, while I might feel good for a moment or two, it always comes back to bite me. Closure is not going to happen. Not for this guy. I just want to move to Peru - trouble is, I like my job. I like my friends. I like this town. The only thing I don't like about it is that he lives here. I'm tired of this - I know I told carhill I don't have a "blockage," but maybe I do. And nothing is working. It's been 5 months and I still have these terrible days sometimes. And it interferes with my work, which really bites. I always can depend on work - love my job. Tomorrow is another day.
Whatshername Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Makelemonade...... It is for US that we need NC. Anything we think or know to be true and want to say to them is beyond their realm of thinking/feeling. They only care about themselves. We know this, bc everything that was wrong was our fault, RIGHT? Blame us/shame us into emotional turmoil/crazyymaking/gaslighting, it's all they have to protect themselves from facing their guilt/faults/fears. He did not deserve his coin collection being returned. I could easily have sold it and kept the money and he would not have cared or at the least I would never know what he thought. I could not, bc I did not want to give him anything to TRUELY hold against me. He cheated/lied/deceived me and broke my trust. He wasn't going to have the ability to say I kept his stuff and make me out to be in his league. I am honest and loved him/believed in him and he does not deserve me. I hope every time he sees the stuff, he gets a guilt punch.
WTRanger Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 You just have to tell yourself that this isn't about you. The other person is certified nuts. Being shunned or given the silent stick is hard because back in the day, like cave-man days, being kicked out of your social circle meant certain death. We are not solo creatures, we are social beings. We still have these natural impulses in our minds even though we have come a long way has a species. It's also hard because you over-analyze every damn thing trying to figure out what, if anything, you did to cause this. I'm pretty sure during my silent stint I've apologized for slavery, even though both of us are white. But, maybe that's why she's quiet? Hell if I know. It's a vicious cycle. The more he ignores you the more you want him to talk. Right now, you have to think of it this way. The more you try to make it right, the more you make it worse. It's not easy by any means, but you are going to be such a strong woman after this.
Whatshername Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) I know that you are right. I know this, deep in my heart. I know that he is weird, and abby-normal and I know that I have a healthy working heart and ability to love. I know he too hurts, even though he cannot admit it. His loss is greater as he will never have the working relationship that someday I will find....you too Depp and Makelemonade. We will all come out of this as better women, and appreciate the men who truly do love us in return. Sure, I must learn to heed red flags EARLY....... as in immediately and not give benefits of the doubt, when not deserved. No, I will not hold his cheating against the next guy. I will trust and love again. I must stand firm against contacting him, and even against having thoughts of him/reliving the good memories. Edited February 24, 2011 by Whatshername
depplover_1980 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Becky and Melissa, I'll respond properly tomorrow. It's 3am here now and though i'm an insomniac I am going to try sleep.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Well go to sleep silly! I'm just getting up - have to meet another deadline by noon tomorrow yuck.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 You just have to tell yourself that this isn't about you. The other person is certified nuts. Being shunned or given the silent stick is hard because back in the day, like cave-man days, being kicked out of your social circle meant certain death. We are not solo creatures, we are social beings. We still have these natural impulses in our minds even though we have come a long way has a species. It's also hard because you over-analyze every damn thing trying to figure out what, if anything, you did to cause this. I'm pretty sure during my silent stint I've apologized for slavery, even though both of us are white. But, maybe that's why she's quiet? Hell if I know. It's a vicious cycle. The more he ignores you the more you want him to talk. Right now, you have to think of it this way. The more you try to make it right, the more you make it worse. It's not easy by any means, but you are going to be such a strong woman after this. Thanks WT - I appreciate the support. You are right, these people are nutso - at least I'm confronting this whole thing and standing up for myself. I'm the strong one - he's just a cowardly piece of sh*te and no matter if he has 3 cool friends or not (I kind of miss these 3 cool friends lol), he's still a miserable person, whereas I know how to REALLY live life. And I have some pretty awesome people in my life, so I'm not alone, even though he makes me feel like it sometimes. xo
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Melissa and Becky COME HERE! I have my best whip in my right hand, which I am going to give both of you some lashings - M you will have 5 and B you will get 10 for you offense. I am SO disappointed in you both, but only because I know how it would have made you feel, not because you did it - I understand that, but you need to keep on the straight and narrow. Lemonade, have you heard back from this text? There is nothing to be gained from a meeting with him. This man would never be able to provide you with the happiness you deserve on a long term basis; it's unlikely, but even if he did say sorry/I want you back, you would live on tender hooks and be constantly insecure. His true nature would yet again emerge the moment you wanted too much from him, the minute emotions become fraught he would drop you again with no remorse. Becky, same applies to you. Why on earth did you put yourself through further disappointment?!! EEK! I feel for you, but I have to say you handled it very well and it sounded as dignified as possible considering you just turned up. I am sorry you found out what you deep down knew - that he is lazy, unempathetic and a dead end - not a street to go down again. Furthermore you should have cashed his savings pot and spent it on something appearance based to boost your confidence. But what's done is done, let's use this to DEFINATELY take closure. You must take something positive from the visit and get right back up to where you were before your break. OK? Hugs all round. xx
allenmj Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Here's what I really look like: http://i821.photobucket.com/albums/zz138/melissamelissa_bucket/DSCN1053.jpg Yup. He's kicking himself. All that intelligence and beauty too. You'll find someone worthy of you.
Whatshername Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 OK Depp, beat me with a stick, I deserve it. Still have moments, and I am sure seeing him did not help me to keep the emotional ground I had gained. I think I am getting better, a little bit.......because I find myself checking guys out.......lol. This may seem small, but I was so committed to him, in my heart, other men did not even register anymore.
depplover_1980 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 OK Depp, beat me with a stick, I deserve it. Still have moments, and I am sure seeing him did not help me to keep the emotional ground I had gained. I think I am getting better, a little bit.......because I find myself checking guys out.......lol. This may seem small, but I was so committed to him, in my heart, other men did not even register anymore. You know it may have killed off any last hope you had, so may not turn out to be the worst thing. It's done so i'm finding a frickin positive - I am so god damn optimistic!!! But hey checking out, or noticing sexy men is a great sign. What's your type?
Whatshername Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Fit, clean cut or nice beard.......darker hair, great smile, teeth, eye twinkle........... NO MORE SOLDIERS!!! I don't think I am picky and definitely not the pretty boy type, but I prefer rugged good looks, a manly man/athletic build for sure.
depplover_1980 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Fit, clean cut or nice beard.......darker hair, great smile, teeth, eye twinkle........... NO MORE SOLDIERS!!! I don't think I am picky and definitely not the pretty boy type, but I prefer rugged good looks, a manly man/athletic build for sure. Hmmm yes I like both clean cut and bearded guys - infact I go for anything from my ex who was classic blue eyed handsome poster boy to my main man Johnny Depp. But in real life they have to have some muscle and be fit to keep up with me.
Whatshername Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Read my post on boobs and I messaged you. My new "friend" is really sweet, but about 25# overweight. I know it sounds shallow, but I am a swimmer for crying out loud, and I Crossfit, he'd probably never make it one round....how do you tell a man that is why you won't date him?
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