makelemonade1974 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I want to win. Yes, that's stupid I know, but I'm MAD. I had to communicate with him over a professional situation the other day (we are colleagues) and he just utterly ignored me (as usual - apparently the a** only speaks to me in the form of mailbox-poems). What is WITH the silent treatment? It has been 5 months. I have no closure. I don't want him to be my friend for ciol, but acknowledging my existence would be nice. Being able to work together without him acting like an infant would be nice. There's no question that we are not getting back together, so how long must this go on? I know about the no contact rules and all that, but I am friends or friendly acquaintances with all my exes. I want to walk away from this at least attempting to wish each other well - not with hatred. I don't like hatred. It's unsettling to have an "enemy." How long can I expect this to go on? WHY is he doing this? I felt good about seeing him yesterday because I felt like I looked good (haha 'you can't have this' and all that) and acted like it didn't bother me emotionally to see him. I also noticed he ran off, so that made me feel like I had "won" I guess. Does he still have a thing for me? Or is this about punishing me for "forcing him to break up with me"? What the heck? I just want an ending to all this. I'm so tired. By doing this he's just making me more desperate for closure and I think he knows it. I think it's a game. I don't want to play anymore.
JrRos Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I believe that if one still plays games such as: purposely ignoring someone, purposely getting someone jealous... anything extraordinary with the sole intent of generating an emotional response in a ex significant other, then there are still feelings lingering between one party, or both.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Well I admit that there are lingering feelings on my side at least, but I'm trying to get past them. And I'm seriously in the anger stage of the grieving process, but is no contact usually taken to such extremes? After a certain amount of time has gone by, can't people have casual conversations at least?
carhill Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Everyone is different. His psychology may not be conducive to having a meaningful working or social relationship post-breakup. That's out of your control. If he undermines your productivity in the workplace, deal with that professionally and swiftly. Otherwise, the work will be to accept his behaviors as who he is. He's now the past, and thankfully so. Besides him 'being your friend' like apparently most/all of you other ex'es are, what do you want? If you want the e-mails to stop, request that. In breakups, and most assuredly in divorces, no one wins. There's only levels of losing. As Danny DeVito said in War of the Roses, 'Give it up'
WTRanger Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I feel for you, I'm in a similar boat at the end of the silent stick. I've realized I've just got to make my own ending. The other person doesn't owe us jack. Sure, it's the no-robot human thing to do, but maybe they are robots? The run away and do the silent schtick because that way they never have to face problems. It's a pretty brilliant coping mechanism if you never want to learn anything or get over anything. For us normal humans, it is the most frustrating thing possible. The reality is that his silence says everything he can never say.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 The reality is that his silence says everything he can never say. which is . . . what exactly? What exactly does silence say other than "F you, the last two years we spent together never happened, and I now hate you"? Thank you btw for being so sweet. I'm really hurting right now.
poorguy Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm sorry your having a bad day:( Yesterday you had a good day and your thread actually put me in a good mood!!!! I agree with WTRanger on this one. His silence is all he has to say because there is nothing else to say. Your not over him and thruth be told he more than likely isn't over you otherwise both of you could talk. Just keep doing what you have been because obvioulsy it's begining to work for you in time. Think back to yesterday
WTRanger Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 It doesn't say he hates you and it's certainly not a F-U. It just says he's way too cowardly to face his actions, problems, and outcomes. To me, that says a lot about a person's character. It says something they can never properly defend. There is literally zero excuse for this. Not stress, not jobs, not life, nothing. It's just them being gutless. They refuse to face reality. That's not someone I'd like in my life, no matter how much I cared for them in the past. That past person no longer exists. It is just who they are. Understand you are not the first person he's done this to and you certainly won't be the last. You just have to write your own ending without his input. It's tough. To be shunned by another human, especially one you cared about, is insanely hurtful. It cuts to the core of your very being. At least if he always insulted you or yelled at you, at least he's giving you attention. At least you exist to him. But now, you don't exist. Now it's a fight between your rational mind to move on and your Ego that needs to be heard. It can turn you into that kid tugging on his mom's pant leg going, "Mom, mom, mom, mom!" As frustrating as this is, you have to control the rage that it brings. There are days where I have dreams of grabbing her by the shoulders, shaking her and screaming, "WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYY!!!!!?????" But I can't do that. It sucks big, dirty, donkey balls.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I'm sorry to not be a better breakup role model The grief process just seems to go in circles for me - anger, depression, denial, anger, depression, etc. The acceptance is slowly starting to seep in - I just want to take back this "power" that I feel like he has over me. The trouble is, every time I either see him at work or attempt to contact him, it sends me right back to day one. I did feel great yesterday and very confident. Sometimes I really want him to suffer and we had such great sexual chemistry that I know if he sees me looking well it will hurt him. And I'm so angry right now that making him uncomfortable or making him hurt just makes me feel better. Then afterwards I feel worse. It's just so hard to have NO CLOSURE ever - to not even know if someone hates you, if they really are the monster you think they are, if you ever meant anything to them, etc. etc. @Carhill - thank you for your support. I always appreciate your wisdom on these boards. What I want is to move forward and past this. And to do that I need some sort of communication that he does not hate me, that he acknowledges I am alive and existent, and that he perhaps even wishes me well?
Duckduckgoose Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 If you are the girl in the picture of course he's hurting right now and probably kicking his coward self in the ass right now cause you are really gorgeous!
poorguy Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 If you are the girl in the picture of course he's hurting right now and probably kicking his coward self in the ass right now cause you are really gorgeous! Good point
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Here's what I really look like: http://i821.photobucket.com/albums/zz138/melissamelissa_bucket/DSCN1053.jpg
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Wow, I really know how to shut down a thread.
carhill Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Skimming your past threads, my opinion is, if you can't resolve this in a couple months, seek help. I can tell you that I suffered a similar 'blockage' for many years and, with therapy, was able to process it to a neutral state. Acceptance of the reality, whatever it is, neutralized the emotional attachment. They say eyes are the windows of the soul, so, in time, a worthy man will see what I saw. Take care
Trovador Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Now I know that the "treatment" is effective! I'm guilty of doing it, and it's been my way of making this statement: "you are there but I choose to ignore you because what you did to me deserves all my despite..." It's been temporary though, as coworkers it's impossible to keep NC or giving each other the cold shoulder all the time... We are friends now, but funny and odd enough, I wish we were in NC, while if we were in NC, I'd wish we were friends... crazy... ha ha!
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Skimming your past threads, my opinion is, if you can't resolve this in a couple months, seek help. I can tell you that I suffered a similar 'blockage' for many years and, with therapy, was able to process it to a neutral state. Acceptance of the reality, whatever it is, neutralized the emotional attachment. They say eyes are the windows of the soul, so, in time, a worthy man will see what I saw. Take care Thank you for your opinion. However, I don't see a "blockage." I am working through my problems and am in therapy. My ex was a real piece of work, and having both professional and social connections to him that cannot be severed has made things rather difficult for me. I have a very analytical mind - perhaps I overthink things sometimes. But I was hurt terribly, as I'm sure many of the other posters can identify with. It's only been a few months. I'm doing the best I can. Edited February 23, 2011 by makelemonade1974
depplover_1980 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) My main woman! It's a narcissist thing the ignoring, my ex that was the same did it too remember - like I did not exist. His denial of you changes nothing in your recovery really, he is a bastard plain and simple. Continue of your path as you've been doing, some days good and some days bad. I appreciate that you hate having unresolved negativity between you, but here I have to say wise up to the real world. It isn't all candyfloss and some ex's cannot be friends - I realise that in the past you've retained a friendliness but this man is not normal. Only if he showed any remorse for his actions could you settle amicably; we both know (even you deep down) there's more chance of a shark swimming up to shore, producing 2 legs and walking out the water asking 'have you seen David Hasslehoff'. This man is not worthy of your friendship. Sadly but realistically you'll only be fully free of him when you don't have to work with him, but until then you've got to keep building this safe space for you. It is strengthening you no end if nothing else. I would not discount someone else eventually sweeping you off your feet - there is someone out there floating around put here to heal you of this man, I can sense it. x Edited February 23, 2011 by depplover_1980
810 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 It doesn't say he hates you and it's certainly not a F-U. It just says he's way too cowardly to face his actions, problems, and outcomes. To me, that says a lot about a person's character. It says something they can never properly defend. There is literally zero excuse for this. Not stress, not jobs, not life, nothing. It's just them being gutless. They refuse to face reality. That's not someone I'd like in my life, no matter how much I cared for them in the past. That past person no longer exists. It is just who they are. Understand you are not the first person he's done this to and you certainly won't be the last. You just have to write your own ending without his input. It's tough. To be shunned by another human, especially one you cared about, is insanely hurtful. It cuts to the core of your very being. At least if he always insulted you or yelled at you, at least he's giving you attention. At least you exist to him. But now, you don't exist. Now it's a fight between your rational mind to move on and your Ego that needs to be heard. It can turn you into that kid tugging on his mom's pant leg going, "Mom, mom, mom, mom!" As frustrating as this is, you have to control the rage that it brings. There are days where I have dreams of grabbing her by the shoulders, shaking her and screaming, "WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYY!!!!!?????" But I can't do that. It sucks big, dirty, donkey balls. though this is not directly to me but thank you very much for writing this.
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Wow, I really know how to shut down a thread. Hi Lemonade, I've been following your thread and sorry you have a gutless and immature ex. I too have been at the recieving end of the ignoring game and yes it hurts especially when I reached out to him. Youre going to have to do NC on him also,since you have to work and see him. Play at his own game. About your avatar,i;ve seen a girl who looks exactly like that pic,Idk if she's an actress or what,i live in Maui. But you look just as nice as she,good luck,hope you work this out.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Only if he showed any remorse for his actions could you settle amicably; we both know (even you deep down) there's more chance of a shark swimming up to shore, producing 2 legs and walking out the water asking 'have you seen David Hasslehoff'. This man is not worthy of your friendship. Sadly but realistically you'll only be fully free of him when you don't have to work with him, but until then you've got to keep building this safe space for you. It is strengthening you no end if nothing else. I would not discount someone else eventually sweeping you off your feet - there is someone out there floating around put here to heal you of this man, I can sense it. x Ah, I needed a good laugh. Depp you are the mistress of this place. LOVE it. Yeah, even though I want to show him he doesn't bother me and can't intimidate me, I apparently need to avoid him for MY sanity, as I tend to break down the next day when we have some sort of contact. I wish I could hit him upside the head. That would be fun. Ya'll are fabulous. And I'm trying to take that stupid picture down (especially because it's humungous for some reason and I look terribly sunburned) but I don't know how to delete it. @midnight - yeah, I stole the avatar. I needed a brown-eyed redhead. Wish I was as cute as that one (and as young lol).
depplover_1980 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Yay!! I love making you laugh and smile, I love Lemonade. Woo (spins)! Just imagine if a shark really did that?
810 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I have no closure. I just want an ending to all this. I'm so tired. By doing this he's just making me more desperate for closure and I think he knows it. I think it's a game. I don't want to play anymore. you're a natural beauty. it's not a game. it's all in your head. you're not playing "the game" with anyone but yourself. pay attention to yourself and not what you think he is doing to you. there's no win situation in love and if there is, it's not worth the fight because it doesn't matter who won, you, yourself, would not be happy in the end. i too was in the dark searching for answers for a long period of time. but what i've learned is that closure comes from within. he can't give you closure, only yourself because it doesn't matter what he says, you will never satisfy or agree with him. so make peace with yourself. accepting what has happened and what is happening now and let it go. it's a very hard process, the letting go, but it has to be done sometime. it is up to you to say when.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Thank you 810 - I need to tell myself that. Ya'll are so amazing. And WT Ranger you rock-n-roll. I need to print out some of this stuff and read it whenever I have to deal with him. Depp - That would be an awesome shark - or a good Southpark episode. I think I may have to watch me some of that tonight btw. And let me just tell you that I love that you "feel" that I'm going to meet somebody. I think so too - but when I'm ready, you know? I'm not ready yet. I've been thinking a lot about karma lately. I got word Sat that I had an article published and I was just over the moon - came at such a good time. So a little bit of good karma came my way after some hard luck. I wonder, though, if the hard luck has something to do with all the men I've treated badly over the years. This is what I get, you know. What goes around indeed comes around. Makes me feel good that at least he'll get his - if he isn't getting it right now - I think he's a very unhappy person, whereas I have SO much to be thankful for. xoxoxox to all you loveshackers.
depplover_1980 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 you're a natural beauty. it's not a game. it's all in your head. you're not playing "the game" with anyone but yourself. pay attention to yourself and not what you think he is doing to you. there's no win situation in love and if there is, it's not worth the fight because it doesn't matter who won, you, yourself, would not be happy in the end. i too was in the dark searching for answers for a long period of time. but what i've learned is that closure comes from within. he can't give you closure, only yourself because it doesn't matter what he says, you will never satisfy or agree with him. so make peace with yourself. accepting what has happened and what is happening now and let it go. it's a very hard process, the letting go, but it has to be done sometime. it is up to you to say when. Hi there, She knows it comes from within and is doing really well in general. I think anyone would struggle with the working thing not to mention him being a narcissist ignoring arsehole.
depplover_1980 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Thank you 810 - I need to tell myself that. Ya'll are so amazing. And WT Ranger you rock-n-roll. I need to print out some of this stuff and read it whenever I have to deal with him. Depp - That would be an awesome shark - or a good Southpark episode. I think I may have to watch me some of that tonight btw. And let me just tell you that I love that you "feel" that I'm going to meet somebody. I think so too - but when I'm ready, you know? I'm not ready yet. I've been thinking a lot about karma lately. I got word Sat that I had an article published and I was just over the moon - came at such a good time. So a little bit of good karma came my way after some hard luck. I wonder, though, if the hard luck has something to do with all the men I've treated badly over the years. This is what I get, you know. What goes around indeed comes around. Makes me feel good that at least he'll get his - if he isn't getting it right now - I think he's a very unhappy person, whereas I have SO much to be thankful for. xoxoxox to all you loveshackers. Hey I love South Park too, it is prob my fav cartoon, the little ****ers!! What great news for you, if it's online then send me the link or scan and email me a copy. I'd be interested to see what you do well. You hit the nail on the head regarding your future compared to his; you will continue to grow and live richly, while he will literally be a robot - freeze framed in time!!
Recommended Posts