Author zengirl Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Zengirl, has he ever had doubts before in any of his past relationships to your knowledge? It seems that problem is stemming more so from how he handles issues more than the actually issues in your relationship. Yes, with one exception, he's been the one to end all his past relationships. He's also gotten together with each girl except that one exception and all have, obviously, ended a 2nd time.
eerie_reverie Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 My take on all this is that if you're emotionally over it so fast, you were never that invested in the first place. Combined with his doubts and your communication issues, I don't think there is much here to salvage.
Author zengirl Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 My take on all this is that if you're emotionally over it so fast, you were never that invested in the first place. Combined with his doubts and your communication issues, I don't think there is much there to salvage. I am invested. I just refuse to try to eat a menu and then complain there is no food. This guy isn't really here. I want a relationship with a man who is invested, there, and not doubting, who wants to work on it, who wants to be with me, and who doesn't wake up deciding he doesn't, or might not, or whatever, and leave me hanging. I would LOVE for it to be this man, who I love, and am emotionally invested, and not "emotionally over" entirely, but I can get on with it and accept that it's "emotionally over" and not invest any MORE because this man is not giving me what I need. The relationship I need. He's just the menu; he's not the food. Too many people focus on a person, who isn't fulfilling their needs, and call that love, and glorify it. I refuse to do that. It never ends well. I am soul-searching to see if a second chance is in the cards for us. But I refuse to be stunted by a man who isn't able or willing to be what I need and glorify that and call it romantic. Don't mistake my taking it in stride for being "over" it. I accept all things. Even bad things. Acceptance is the only path through anything. That's. . . well. . . Zen. It's how I do.
Sanman Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I disagree with this notion that people never change or alter their behaviors; you're not the first on this thread to say they don't, but it is not true in reality. People change things to accomodate other people -- from lovers to strangers to family members to co-workers -- all the time. We're not talking about a fundamental change in who he is here; I'm talking about trying to work on his communication with me. I want someone who wants to grow, evolve, and change with me for a happy relationship. If that's a fairytale, so be it, I guess, but I really think that's just a mature adult relationship. I agree that he and I didn't fit perfectly in this area. I can certainly find someone I can communicate with more easily. HE, on the other hand, has had the same issue with basically every girl he's ever dated long-term. I was willing to work on my side, but only if he was equally willing. I do think communication is something every couple will struggle with eventually. I think I need to look at a man and see if he has a pattern of withdrawing when upset. Perhaps that is a red flag to avoid. Some women can better deal with that behavior; I am too direct. If I had let him withdraw for awhile, without saying anything, I'm sure we'd still be together, and probably even come out of it, but I am just not a person who sees a problem and ignores it. I am not saying people don't change. I am simply saying that change in something as ingrained as communication patterns is not going to easily occur within the 8 months of your relationship. Change takes time and effort. You wanting him to change and him not wanting to change is certainly a recipe for relationship disaster. Ideally, you need to be able to accept these things and he should want to change so that you don't have to. That is not the case here. There are women that are avoidant as well and maybe okay with not confronting these issues and there are men who like to confront issues as well. Whether you want to work things out in a relationship or move on is up to each of you. There is no perfect relationship and there will always be things to work on. Anyway, good luck with everything.
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