Fighting, Stress, and Breakups

[zengirl]

Lately, my BF and I have both been under a great deal of stress (independently) and the shine may have come off our 8 month relationship because of it. It led to him saying the other day, "I'm not sure where this relationship is going, or if we're compatible." He didn't want to break up, but I felt like he was putting me on notice or something. I don't know if it was so I would break up with him, as some kind of attempt at emotional blackmail to make me act the way he wishes I would, if he's just confused, or what.

 

He's told me several times (only lately) that I stress him out. In some ways, we've basically been having the same fight over and over, and I feel kind of like he refuses to 'hear' me or compromise. Honestly, I wonder half the fight is always the same silly **** --- rehashed to forever, about the way we communicate. He wants a relationship that works without working on it. I guess I do, too, or at least want one that's less work than ours has been lately. But I also want someone who WANTS to work on it, which would in turn, be all the work I need. We had a fight a few weeks ago (a big one) and it took some time to heal, but we were fine before we had more fights. I know he wasn't thinking about ending the relationship because of some things he's said, and he even mentioned in the same conversation that our relationship has all these great highs but just so much stress lately. He was also sick this week when we were fighting. So he's sick, cranky, and stressed, and I'm stressed, overworked, and dealing with family issues a few states away.

 

I am thinking that, like many men I've known, he doesn't like the stress and work of fighting in a relationship (and internalizes it), and the two small recent fights we've had --- again, the problem being that we rehash the same **** --- have sparked this. Any thoughts on how to recover or whether to even bother this early in? I do really like him, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget some of these things, even if -- and I think there's a good chance he'll forget all about this conversation and re-invest in the relationship -- he changes his mind and starts talking like we are compatible and great together again. My ego feels very, very bruised at the moment. Do relationships really ever recover from discussions like these?

Edited February 22, 2011 by zengirl

[Els]

Just going to address one part of the post: I don't think any couple compromises on EVERYTHING. There will be things that one party has to give in completely to, and things that the other party has to give in to. Naturally, if both parties absolutely cannot give on something, then trouble happens.

 

Do you think this one issue is so pertinent that you cannot give in to him about it, in return for reciprocation about something else? Contrary to popular belief, not everything in an R needs to be perfect, otherwise you'd both just go bonkers correcting each other all the time.

 

Mine recovered from a time much like what you mentioned, because I learnt that.

[zengirl]

Do you think this one issue is so pertinent that you cannot give in to him about it, in return for reciprocation about something else? Contrary to popular belief, not everything in an R needs to be perfect, otherwise you'd both just go bonkers correcting each other all the time.

 

I don't know how much is pride and how much is getting what I need. That is something I have to sort out. With bad communication (which is where I want him to compromise more), I feel unimportant. And yet I absolutely 100% know I am NOT unimportant to him, and that the things I take issue with are not really a reflection on that. They just FEEL that way, and I wish he wanted to make me not feel that way enough to change, and I think part of him DOES but he is absolutely inert somehow on some areas. So, hence: Stress and fighting in circles.

 

Although I'm confused on what you mean about reciprocation --- are you saying to literally SAY "I'll give up on this fight, if you give me XYZ" like direct reciprocation, or are you just saying to compromise more fully here if he is good in other areas. I don't think I could enter a negotiation like the XYZ example; that seems odd.

[EasyHeart]

The point in your post that stuck out to me was that you "rehash the same ****". That's never a good sign.

 

A lot depends on what you're arguing about. If the problem is that he doesn't want to (or isn't able) to communicate, discuss, or compromise, then you may have to decide whether you can live with it or if you have to move on. If the problem is that he squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle and you roll it up from the bottom, then quit your whining and live with it.

 

Remember that you can't change another person, so if another person (for instance) doesn't think it's important to verbalize his/her feelings, there's not much you can do about it. If he squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle, you might be able to persuade him but, even better, you might just learn to live with it. Only you can decide if this is something you can live with.

 

But from your side, I think it's important to think about what you're contributing to the problem, because that's the only thing you can really change. For instance, one thing to ask yourself is whether you are truly seeking to "compromise" or whether you actually just want him to give in and do what you want. Compromising means both people give a little and you find an alternative that you can both live with. Neither of you gets what you want. Compromise isn't always possible (eg, I want kids/she doesn't), in which case you have to decide whether the issue is a dealbreaker.

 

Remember, too, that just because some is important doesn't mean your compatible. Two people can be very much in love and not be compatible in a relationship. So whatever happens, it certainly doesn't reflect on your (or his) worth as a person.

 

And finally, in answer to your final question, yes, of course relationships can recover from arguments. A good, productive argument can make a relationship stronger. But arguments also often reveal serious underlying disagreements that were subsumed by the early euphoria of a relationship. You and he have to figure out which situation this one is.

[zengirl]

The point in your post that stuck out to me was that you "rehash the same ****". That's never a good sign.

 

A lot depends on what you're arguing about. If the problem is that he doesn't want to (or isn't able) to communicate, discuss, or compromise, then you may have to decide whether you can live with it or if you have to move on. If the problem is that he squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle and you roll it up from the bottom, then quit your whining and live with it.

 

My problem is he cannot seem to adapt his communication style to different people, including me. He has empathy, but lacks understanding of how people 'hear' things and what THEY think it means. He thinks all that matters is exactly what he meant, and not what the other person thought. Essentially, he approaches communication very one-sided. I can do accomodate him, because I do 'get' how people communicate, but I feel like I am doing 100% of the adaptation, and if I don't, our communication suffers. I want him to share the work, I guess. I cannot decide if I want it from an egoistic place or if it's an emotional need. I guess the rehashing is likely my indecision there. You are right that he will not change. I don't want him to just "give in" but I don't want to feel like I am accomodating him too much either. I guess I need to decide how much is too much. The fights don't happen when I make an effort to avoid them (which is not to say I start them all, but I can "put them out" so to speak). However, I guess I want effort from him on communication, too.

[Cee]

I'm "hearing" that your BF says something that comes across as insensitive, but he meant it in a different way. And you want him to adjust his communication style to be more precise in that intent and what said are matched. I'm guessing that he makes blunt, declarative statements that aren't as clear as he thinks they are.

 

The simplest way to do that is to not understand his original statement and ask for clarification. Such as, "When you said that did you mean X or mean Y?" I know a married couple who have the best communication I have ever seen. Often the husband will ask little questions about something she said. And then she'll clarify her statement and then they move the discussion along. These side clarifications aren't conflictual in any way. He asks with interest and gentleness and she responds in kind.

 

I think if you do not respond in anger or hurt to anything he says, but curiosity, you'll draw him out more. I suspect that you want to be closer to him and if you converse in a way that you are on the same side, things will go better. I know this sounds like more work for you, but if you say something and his eyes light up because you understand, then you'll reap the reward of a better connection.

 

I write this with the assumption that your BF cares for you, trusts you, and wants to be closer to you. If his conversational style is interrupting, dismissive, and egocentric, then you may have a deeper problem on your hands.

[EasyHeart]

My problem is he cannot seem to adapt his communication style to different people, including me. He has empathy, but lacks understanding of how people 'hear' things and what THEY think it means. He thinks all that matters is exactly what he meant, and not what the other person thought. Essentially, he approaches communication very one-sided. I can do accomodate him, because I do 'get' how people communicate, but I feel like I am doing 100% of the adaptation, and if I don't, our communication suffers. I want him to share the work, I guess. I cannot decide if I want it from an egoistic place or if it's an emotional need. I guess the rehashing is likely my indecision there. You are right that he will not change. I don't want him to just "give in" but I don't want to feel like I am accomodating him too much either. I guess I need to decide how much is too much. The fights don't happen when I make an effort to avoid them (which is not to say I start them all, but I can "put them out" so to speak). However, I guess I want effort from him on communication, too.

Oh lordy, he's not an engineer, is he?

 

I think it's nice that you don't just want him to "give in", but that's effectively what you're doing, isn't it? I think what you mean by "accomodating him" is that you are being required to accept his communication style completely. That's not really accomodating or compromising: that's him getting everything he wants and you not getting anything you want. And that's not fair. It's no wonder that you feel bad.

 

I certainly don't think your position is unreasonable (and personally, I think you're right). My opinion has always been that the burden is on the speaker to say what he/she means because it is much (much, much) easier to change what you say than to change what the other person hears. None of us have any idea of what another person "means", we can only listen to what they say. If the meaning is different from the words that are used, the problem is with the speaker.

 

For instance, I have a few verbal "buttons" that no doubt stem from my childhood. I've tried everything to get rid of them, but certain words just cause an intense emotional reaction. Basically, it comes down to people asking me to do something versus telling me to do something. I tell my girlfriends about it right up front and it's fascinating how they respond. Usually it's not a big deal for them to say "Would you take out the trash?" instead of "You have to take out the trash now," but some of them have stubbornly refused and told me that I have to get over it and it's not their problem. Of course, I don't stay with those women very long! It's become a pretty good litmus test for whom I'm compatible with.

 

It's certainly not unfair for you to want him to "share the work" -- right now you're doing it all. And like I said earlier, this is a situation where it should be much easier for him to adapt to your needs, not the other way around. (It would also serve him well in other parts of his life, frankly). And no relationship can work very long if you have to bite down on you tongue and stay silent whenever you have a problem just because you don't want to fight. That's just going to build resentment, so I think you have to work this out.

 

It's definitely not a trivial issue like my toothpaste example. And I don't think it's right for you to feel bad or feel that you have to give into him because he's not willing to change. Only you can decide how much effort to put into trying to get through to him, but I don't think that you'll be happy for very long by avoiding the issue. It obviously bothers you a lot -- and it should!

[Ms. Joolie]

How long has the fighting/stress/communication frustration been going on?

 

Since the word 'communication' is red hot in what you post, I understand that is THE thing that just does NOT work for you. He communicates one way (which you don't like and he knows it) and you communicate another.

 

Only a communications expert can go in there and save the day, but you may want to look online in that area or see if there is a local class you can take. Miscommunication is the root of all problems and communication the solution.

 

For a quick fix, I would definitely be more sympathetic to his style of communication instead of acting like he has to change. Let go of being the one who's right and listen to what he has to say. From the sounds of it, you have really been beating him up over this communication issue and that may be where he is coming from when he says things like, "I'm not sure where this relationship is going, or if we're compatible" or that you stress him out.

 

Be more lenient on the communication issue and do your part to understand and bridge the gap instead of trying to change him. Your communication style counts big points here, and remember that listening is part of communication.

 

Communication IS a lot of work, but you two may be so different in this arena that you may want to consider it as an incompatibility.

 

 

I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I just love your posts. You are so bright and have so much to share here. I just know life isn't fair when a smart cookie like you gets in a jam. Wishing you the Best Relationship Ever in your future!

[zengirl]

How long has the fighting/stress/communication frustration been going on?

 

First time was in late December, and we've re-hashed the same fight a few times now. It is not continuous, but the big one 3 weeks ago was the worst. I think I need to either let it go, or move on. I have not 'let go' of trying to win the issue, and I'm seeing that as an issue as I read your responses. Though I do think I have a point. But I need to decide HOW invested I am in that point and WHY.

 

It wasn't noticeable at first, because I am pretty "easy" to get along with, but after a certain point, I guess I want some help. Perhaps it's not fair to do all the work upfront in an area and then expect someone to kick in later.

 

Oh lordy, he's not an engineer, is he?

 

He is, indeed.

 

And, to your example like the trash thing, I do certain things like that for him (stay away from his hot button rephrasing) but he has trouble doing it for me. He has severe communication/social anxiety that he's worked through for years, and he says if he censors himself, nothing comes out, so that's why he feels defeated before he even tries. I get it and find it sincere. I just don't LIKE it. So, his statements that he's not sure how compatible we are seem to hit me there. . . maybe we're not. . . I have to think, I guess. For me, it's more the issue that he's defeated before he even tries than that he's "bad" at changing his communication.

 

I'm "hearing" that your BF says something that comes across as insensitive, but he meant it in a different way. And you want him to adjust his communication style to be more precise in that intent and what said are matched. I'm guessing that he makes blunt, declarative statements that aren't as clear as he thinks they are.

 

No, more issues that crop up while making plans, and such. Though he does often just try to "end" a conversation. I've explained that he can simply stop talking about it, instead of declaring he's going to, and that will end the conversation much less abruptly. He fails to 'get' that. His social skills are not super-adept in some ways, like that. He rubs a lot of people wrong because of it, even though he's super well intentioned. He also interrupts a lot! Which drives me batty.

[daphne]

Do relationships really ever recover from discussions like these?

 

Of course they do. If both parties want it to. Every relationship requires work, and romantic relationships especially. If either of you waited til there was no arguing and everything was perfect, you'd be single forever.

 

That being said, the most you can do is try to let things lie for now if there's a pattern of fighting forming and you're both still sensitive to certain things you've discussed. Back off of whatever it is. Try to get your equilibrium back and maybe figure out if it's small things or a bigger issue. Sometimes constant bickering can just set your nerves on edge and you need to push the Reset button. Hope you feel better.

[Kamille]

My problem is he cannot seem to adapt his communication style to different people, including me. He has empathy, but lacks understanding of how people 'hear' things and what THEY think it means. He thinks all that matters is exactly what he meant, and not what the other person thought. Essentially, he approaches communication very one-sided. I can do accomodate him, because I do 'get' how people communicate, but I feel like I am doing 100% of the adaptation, and if I don't, our communication suffers. I want him to share the work, I guess. I cannot decide if I want it from an egoistic place or if it's an emotional need. I guess the rehashing is likely my indecision there. You are right that he will not change. I don't want him to just "give in" but I don't want to feel like I am accomodating him too much either. I guess I need to decide how much is too much. The fights don't happen when I make an effort to avoid them (which is not to say I start them all, but I can "put them out" so to speak). However, I guess I want effort from him on communication, too.

 

Is this about how he communicates in general or how he communicates with you?

 

If with you, then what do you think would happen if you simply scaled back on your accommodation style? What would happen to your relationship?

 

As to concerns about how others perceive him, I would be surprised if that is what bothered you. But if it is part of it, remind yourself that he managed to communicate before he met you and manages to communicate when you're not around. How others perceive him is no reflection on you.

[heartshaped]

I'm going to tell you what I wish someone had told me four months ago- do not, and I repeat, do not fight/argue with your SO over the same stuff. It's tedious, pointless, and stressful. My SO and I have been arguing over the same issue for the past four months so I can empathize with you because I was hell bent on making him "compromise" with me.

 

Then, this last time we fought about this (literally just a few days ago) it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Why are we fighting about this? He wants to change, he can't seem to change anymore than he has/is, and here I am harping on it over and over again causing us both stress, adding stress to our relationship, and making us both unhappy.

 

I just decided that I was going to let it go and I have because we love each other, there are no other issues, and let's face it no one is perfect. Do you really feel this communication issue is such a big deal that you would walk away from him? If not, let it go my friend. I'm telling you no good comes of arguing over the same thing especially when your SO has already stated he wants to change or is trying to, but it just doesn't happen or come off right.

 

My boyfriend and I have the same problem with communication too. Though funny enough, we've never had any arguments/fights because of it. We both just kind of get that the other communicates in different ways and I really do all the work now that I think about it to make that go smoothly. It doesn't really bother me though. When he says something that I take the wrong way I brush it off or ask him what he meant and when communicating with him I go out of my way to be crystal clear.

[zengirl]

Well, we are on a 'break.' We're not seeing other people, and we're processing, but we're taking a few weeks away. He was so distant today over this issue that it was like not even having anyone there with me. I pointed this out, nicely ("You're very far away") and we got into a very mature discussion. He likes me, thinks I'm great, thinks I'm beautiful, and I think similar things about him; we both agree this is toxic and not working.

 

I don't know if this 'break' is a break-up being delayed or if it could potentially help. It was kind of my idea. I think had I not suggested it, he may have just ended things though; I'm not really sure. This may be over. Or it may not be. External influences have certainly played their part, but don't they always? He seems extremely unsure of how he's feeling. I cannot be with someone who has that kind of 'unsure' quality about the relationship.

 

Is this about how he communicates in general or how he communicates with you?

 

With me.

 

If with you, then what do you think would happen if you simply scaled back on your accommodation style? What would happen to your relationship?

 

I did scale it back to what I felt was reasonable, and our relationship has almost self-destructed. Or has. It's hard to say.

[Els]

Although I'm confused on what you mean about reciprocation --- are you saying to literally SAY "I'll give up on this fight, if you give me XYZ" like direct reciprocation, or are you just saying to compromise more fully here if he is good in other areas. I don't think I could enter a negotiation like the XYZ example; that seems odd.

 

Yeah, that's what I mean. Since this seems to be going in circles so much, be the one to break the circle if it isn't truly a dealbreaker with you - give in all the way. And no need for negotiations, but simply let him know 'This is still important to me, but the relationship with you is more important, so I am letting go of this'. The reciprocation part was more of an observing thing: ie if you notice you're the one doing ALL the giving in, something isn't right.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It led to him saying the other day, "I'm not sure where this relationship is going, or if we're compatible." He didn't want to break up, but I felt like he was putting me on notice or something. I don't know if it was so I would break up with him, as some kind of attempt at emotional blackmail to make me act the way he wishes I would, if he's just confused, or what.

 

It's him trying to take control. I've had women try this tactic on me before. Maybe he uses it with other people as well, keep an eye open for that.

 

This isn't doomed, but you should seriously force him to make the effort to move past this. Otherwise he just isn't feeling it.

 

I know it sucks now, but I believe this will all work better for you in the end.

[sb129]

I'm "hearing" that your BF says something that comes across as insensitive, but he meant it in a different way. And you want him to adjust his communication style to be more precise in that intent and what said are matched. I'm guessing that he makes blunt, declarative statements that aren't as clear as he thinks they are.

 

The simplest way to do that is to not understand his original statement and ask for clarification. Such as, "When you said that did you mean X or mean Y?" I know a married couple who have the best communication I have ever seen. Often the husband will ask little questions about something she said. And then she'll clarify her statement and then they move the discussion along. These side clarifications aren't conflictual in any way. He asks with interest and gentleness and she responds in kind.

 

I think if you do not respond in anger or hurt to anything he says, but curiosity, you'll draw him out more. I suspect that you want to be closer to him and if you converse in a way that you are on the same side, things will go better. I know this sounds like more work for you, but if you say something and his eyes light up because you understand, then you'll reap the reward of a better connection.

 

I write this with the assumption that your BF cares for you, trusts you, and wants to be closer to you. If his conversational style is interrupting, dismissive, and egocentric, then you may have a deeper problem on your hands.

 

This is very good advice. I am going to take it on board, because I can identify with lots of what you are saying Zengirl. Its frustrating to say the least.

[EasyHeart]

Well, we are on a 'break.' We're not seeing other people, and we're processing, but we're taking a few weeks away. He was so distant today over this issue that it was like not even having anyone there with me. I pointed this out, nicely ("You're very far away") and we got into a very mature discussion. He likes me, thinks I'm great, thinks I'm beautiful, and I think similar things about him; we both agree this is toxic and not working.

 

I don't know if this 'break' is a break-up being delayed or if it could potentially help. It was kind of my idea. I think had I not suggested it, he may have just ended things though; I'm not really sure. This may be over. Or it may not be. External influences have certainly played their part, but don't they always? He seems extremely unsure of how he's feeling. I cannot be with someone who has that kind of 'unsure' quality about the relationship.

That's sad to hear, but it was probably a good decision. It seemed to me that you were doing all of the work in this relationship. And of course, not every relationship has to last forever (especially at your age). Heck, if it were that easy, there would be no reason for LS!!!

 

Good luck.

[Kamille]

Well, we are on a 'break.' We're not seeing other people, and we're processing, but we're taking a few weeks away. He was so distant today over this issue that it was like not even having anyone there with me. I pointed this out, nicely ("You're very far away") and we got into a very mature discussion. He likes me, thinks I'm great, thinks I'm beautiful, and I think similar things about him; we both agree this is toxic and not working.

 

I don't know if this 'break' is a break-up being delayed or if it could potentially help. It was kind of my idea. I think had I not suggested it, he may have just ended things though; I'm not really sure. This may be over. Or it may not be. External influences have certainly played their part, but don't they always? He seems extremely unsure of how he's feeling. I cannot be with someone who has that kind of 'unsure' quality about the relationship.

 

I'm sorry to hear that ZG. Hopefully this gives you time to figure out what you need and if your bf can provide it for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did scale it back to what I felt was reasonable, and our relationship has almost self-destructed. Or has. It's hard to say.

 

How? I think I don't understand how his communication style could, on its own, destruct a relationship. If the relationship nearly self-destruct when you don't accommodate him... Are you sure communication style is the main issue? Could it not be that instead that unless you accommodate, one of your needs isn't being met? In that case, what would that need be?

[january2011]

zengirl, I'm also saddened to hear about the latest development but agree with Easyheart that it probably is the best solution for the moment so that you and your BF can take a pause and regroup.

 

I went through a similarish experience with a former BF a few years into our relationship. We took a fortnight's break (my suggestion) because we were arguing too much and I couldn't see a way through. We were rather inexperienced and didn't set the rules regarding seeing other people and unfortunately, he decided to re-connect with an ex-GF. We recovered somewhat from the break and 'indiscretion' and managed another good few years of happiness before we broke up. Though granted he did go back to that ex-GF in the end. So, it is possible to 'recover' and have a meaningful and lengthy relationship afterwards but it still doesn't guarantee that you will stay together for life, especially if the real issues aren't resolved.

 

Wish you the best of luck during this break. If anyone can find a way through this, I feel sure that you can.

[zengirl]

Actually, we talked again today, and it looks like break up. I don't want to be with a man who has the kind of doubts he's expressing about our relationship, and he is sincerely paralyzed by those doubts and bad feelings. So be it. I told him I am open to him communicating with me in the future should he sort it out, though I can't make any promises, but that I want to get out in the world again and be free to meet people if that's what happens, if we're not working together on this relationship. If I don't have a partner, I don't want to have the 'rules' of having one. I feel like the decision was good.

 

I do adore my now ex-BF and I know his doubts will almost certainly pass and he'll likely regret saying the things he said, but I just can't 'wait' for that to happen. And I don't know if I would be open to being back together again ever, or if it would just be more of the same. I don't even know whether I want to remain friends (casually) with him yet. This one is complicated. But I am feeling more at peace, though sad, with this decision.

 

Anyway, I'm back up on a dating site (though don't know how active I'll be for awhile) and going out with friends a lot this week/end and getting back to my life as it looks now.

 

How? I think I don't understand how his communication style could, on its own, destruct a relationship. If the relationship nearly self-destruct when you don't accommodate him... Are you sure communication style is the main issue? Could it not be that instead that unless you accommodate, one of your needs isn't being met? In that case, what would that need be?

 

It caused fighting, and fighting caused his doubts, and his doubts caused my doubts and hurt feelings, and that led to the end. The fighting really gets to him; he is not a good 'fighter' and it produces a lot of stress (more communication issues, and also just some emotional ones). So, it was really the commnication issues causing fights that led to the issue. For me, the fighting was annoying but not so big an issue as it was for him. For him, it made him doubt us. THAT was the big issue for me. He didn't express these doubts in a productive way either, but basically just began to withdraw. It wasn't working.

[daphne]

I'm sorry to hear it's come to this. I'm sure it'll be fine, however it turns out.

 

I think one thing I would add to the conversation is that people are resistant to giving you your way unless you give them the space and time to figure out if they want to, and if they can.

 

I ask and then I wait. I allow the person to have the dignity to make their own decisions. I find that, when someone really cares about you, they do gravitate towards wanting to make you happy. That is, until they feel forced or pressured. Then they dig their heels in, subconsciously.

 

It's not easy to be patient, or see the other person's side. But if you want to negotiate healthier patterns, try doing just that. He doesn't know why his communication skills suck. I doubt he's doing it specifically to make you upset. He has said he has tried to change, but it doesn't sound like he has the tools and at this point the will anymore.

 

You can see it as you're incompatible. But from what I see (with the limited post information I have), is that this was an opportunity for you to learn how to ask and possibly receive and nurture a mature relationship, in time. From the outside, it looks a little like you were a bit forceful and backed him a little into a corner, and can't quite see how he doesn't get your point of view. But I don't see you understanding his either.

 

I'm not saying I've mastered the art of patience when asking for what I need, but I do try it and have found positive results more often than not. And I've learned to let go when I don't always get it. At some point in a long term relationship, you have to be willing to put in the time on this or it won't move forward. Maybe this isn't the person you wanted to put the time in for.

[Ay Diesel T]

I don't know how much is pride and how much is getting what I need. That is something I have to sort out. With bad communication (which is where I want him to compromise more), I feel unimportant. And yet I absolutely 100% know I am NOT unimportant to him, and that the things I take issue with are not really a reflection on that. They just FEEL that way, and I wish he wanted to make me not feel that way enough to change, and I think part of him DOES but he is absolutely inert somehow on some areas. So, hence: Stress and fighting in circles.

 

Although I'm confused on what you mean about reciprocation --- are you saying to literally SAY "I'll give up on this fight, if you give me XYZ" like direct reciprocation, or are you just saying to compromise more fully here if he is good in other areas. I don't think I could enter a negotiation like the XYZ example; that seems odd.

 

It could possibly be a pride thing on his side to. I have this problem. When my GF comes to me with issues, I feel like she's giving me an ultimatum, so the argument turns into this power struggle, where I, refuse to give in as if I'm some sort of weak person.

 

I'll always want to make my SO happy, that's something instilled within me. But being the prideful and sort of rebellious person that I am, part of me wants to rebel against what my SO tells me she's unhappy with. As if she's some kind of tyrannic government. Not sure why that is, maybe your boyfriend is suffering from the same thing?

 

If I'm not rebelling, I'm holding this annoyance with her inside of me. I've found that when my SO tells me her issues in a neutral way, rather than just saying "I feel this way cause of what you do", it takes the blame factor away, and in turn, the indirect "fix it or I'm gone" factor away, so this allows me want to fix it. Not sure if other men are rebellious and prideful like this by nature, but this thread really did hit home for me. Cause I have the same issue your boyfriend does, acknowledging my GF's problems, and the same issue you do, separating the pride from the problem.

 

Are you giving ultimatums indirectly?

[Els]

It could possibly be a pride thing on his side to. I have this problem. When my GF comes to me with issues, I feel like she's giving me an ultimatum, so the argument turns into this power struggle, where I, refuse to give in as if I'm some sort of weak person.

 

I'll always want to make my SO happy, that's something instilled within me. But being the prideful and sort of rebellious person that I am, part of me wants to rebel against what my SO tells me she's unhappy with. As if she's some kind of tyrannic government. Not sure why that is, maybe your boyfriend is suffering from the same thing?

 

If I'm not rebelling, I'm holding this annoyance with her inside of me. I've found that when my SO tells me her issues in a neutral way, rather than just saying "I feel this way cause of what you do", it takes the blame factor away, and in turn, the indirect "fix it or I'm gone" factor away, so this allows me want to fix it. Not sure if other men are rebellious and prideful like this by nature, but this thread really did hit home for me. Cause I have the same issue your boyfriend does, acknowledging my GF's problems, and the same issue you do, separating the pride from the problem.

 

Are you giving ultimatums indirectly?

 

I think you could help by giving concrete examples of what you mean by 'telling someone your issues in a neutral way' instead of 'I feel xxx because of what you did'. How would you communicate an issue that you have with your GF in a 'neutral' way?

 

I have come across a few instances of men saying this on the boards, and none of them as of yet have managed to provide concrete examples of how they would bring up issues they have with their SO in a 'neutral' way.

 

Here's to hoping you'll be the first.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Elswyth

[Ay Diesel T]

I think you could help by giving concrete examples of what you mean by 'telling someone your issues in a neutral way' instead of 'I feel xxx because of what you did'.

 

I have come across a few instances of men saying this on the boards, and none of them as of yet have managed to provide concrete examples of how they would bring up issues they have with their SO in a 'neutral' way.

 

Here's to hoping you'll be the first.

 

For me it's all about how she says it and approaches it.

 

If there's a complainy/naggy tone in her voice and she says "I really hate when you do xyz" with a frown on her face, it triggers my rebellious approach.

 

Where as, if her tone is neutral/soothing and her approach is more of a "Baby how come you do/say xyz?" Me: "Because abc, why?" Her: "It makes me feel 123.."

 

That would trigger my more caring/affectionate side, and I would be very ready and willing to fix the said problem.

 

It's hard to explain it any better than that. It's all about how she says it, and her tone of voice. If I feel like she isn't trying to challenge me, I won't get prideful/rebellious.

[Els]

How would you approach an issue with your gf that makes you angry, though? Would you completely hide your anger and say in a soothing tone, "Baby, how come you do/say xyz?"