Really mean ex

[lovelylove]

Hi, I've been divorced for 8 years. My exh left me and three kids for his coworker, who he still lives with. It was a bitter split, but the worst was that he withdrew from the kids completely.

 

A year after the divorce our youngest died of cancer, he was 13- it happened very fast- it was a rare and fast growing type and almost destroyed me. At that time, when my son was ill, my ex was horrible, and actually told my son that I wanted him to die (because I had doubts about putting him through more chemo and surgery- his prognosis was really bad, and he was suffering so much). That was just so mean and horrible, but after my son died he was even worse, refused to participate in any service, demanded God not be mentioned if there were one, it's just too much to even write.

The years went by and my other two struggled through with me, without him, and I never contacted him because he was just so mean and hurtful.

Last year my oldest son developed a severe mental illness and I thought I should let him know (he has no contact with his son). I wrote a very brief email, just saying that he was okay and being taken care of and I was visiting him often. I got a scathing email back saying I should "f#$ off and die", that I was getting some kind of pleasure out of my son's illness, and telling me never to contact him again, and a few other very mean stabs at my character, telling me I never cared about anyone other than myself etc.

 

This is only the second time I have contacted him in four years, and only because when I asked my son if he wanted his father's phone number he said "my father should find me, why should I have to find him" and then later "mom, you should try and mend the bridges in the family", and "I won't talk to my father until he can treat you with respect". that's why I emailed my ex. Fail.

 

My daughter, a very healthy and wise college student, said "mom, get over it", and "I never talk to him, or answer his calls, he's a mean person and if you cry he wins"... "why do you care", "cut him out of your life completely" etc etc.

 

Yes I know I shouldn't care, I know I should never contact him again. But here's why I do- we were married 20 years and had three children together. He is successful, and lives the "perfect happy life" now, carefree, always bragging about how happy he is- I thought by now (he's approaching 60) he'd be mature and kind, and "over it" enough to communicate normally- I never bother him, ever. I don't call, email, or anything, nothing. I just wanted him to know that his son was okay. To say "f!@# off and die please", and other horrible things to me- I don't get it AT ALL, not AT ALL. I could understand no reply, or "please don't contact me", but the mean, bitter, awful response from a professional, mature, "happy" man?

 

I'm hurt, so I guess he wins. I feel pathetic too, because I'm hurt. People who know us both say he's a bitter atheistic alcoholic who feels guilty for leaving his family, but his aggressive lashing out at me- I don't get it. What motivates people to be like this????

[Bluebelle38]

First of all I want to say how sorry I am for your loss.

 

You have had a really tough time and I feel for you as my mother went through something similar. I no longer see my dad, in fact I havent seen him since I was 12 (am 38 now).

 

He is a nasty, manipulative and cruel man but is now married again (dont even know to who).

 

You and your ex share a long history so of course you will have lovely memories, but I think you really need to see him for what he is and make a decision to never contact him again. He throws everything you say back in your face.

 

He sounds utterly horrible. And dont be thinking of the nice house etc etc. Most people put on their best front to the world. You dont know what really goes on in his crazy world.

 

I hope you can work on your self esteem and see that you always deserved more than this atrocious treatment. he is acting out with rage because he may well fell guilt, but you have to make sure you don't let his awful words scar you anymore.

 

You owe it to yourself to be happy. Dont let him steal another second of your life.

 

Best wishes to you.

[trippi1432]

I'm hurt, so I guess he wins. I feel pathetic too, because I'm hurt. People who know us both say he's a bitter atheistic alcoholic who feels guilty for leaving his family, but his aggressive lashing out at me- I don't get it. What motivates people to be like this????

 

Hi Lovelylove - I'm so sorry to hear how things have gone for you and the loss of your son.

 

The answer to your question is right there in bold. He is unhappy with himself and therefore makes everyone around him suffer. My exH is very much like this...was for many, many years during our relationship and still is after our divorce. Life with him was total chaos. Not sure if you know what his family background was, but my exH is following in his father's footstep's to a "T". My exH started drinking at the age of 12 and was an alcoholic by the time he was 15...it was what everyone did in the small town he was raised in.

 

The first thing to realize is that there is nothing you can do to fix a man like that and it's not your fault. He will always lash out at you when you contact him because he associate's you with his issues....again, not your fault. Your ex should be held accountable for his own issues and actions, but it's also not your place to point them out to him anymore. It's for him to realize.

 

It's okay to want him to know what is going on in his children's life, but know that you cannot control his reactions....best to not even make yourself the target of his blame and anger by not allowing him to get to you with his words. Essentially they come from his unhappiness with himself, which by now...eight years later...has nothing to do with you.

 

Hugs to you, find your happiness as much as you can with your children, friends and family....and let the past be the past...there's nothing you can do to change any of that.

[lovelylove]

Thank you for your support. There is no way I would ever respond to him, and as the years go by and another event occurs... a birth of a grandchild, heaven forbid another serious illness, I would again want/feel "right" to notify him...

But I can't win here. He says he only wants the kids to contact him because "I care about the kids, not you"... but they will never contact him. If I tell mutual friends or family about the events, he blames me for "gossiping"... if I tell him, he lashes out at me. There is no way to handle this except to treat him as if he is dead.

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that my children's father is such an uncaring, callous man. It hurts me that they lack a father and worse, carry the hurt from that.

I blame myself for marrying him- I was nineteen and he wasn't as cruel back then... but just look what my choices have done to my children's lives.

I'm going to pray, a lot.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[trippi1432]

I blame myself for marrying him- I was nineteen and he wasn't as cruel back then... but just look what my choices have done to my children's lives.

I'm going to pray, a lot.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

Lovelylove - you need to step back off the self-blame as well....I have done this as well, and still do on occasion. You loved your husband back then for whatever reasons...what you came to not love were his addiction and his behavior associated to it.

 

In going over things with my IC, I noted that over time my exH became more and more unhappy as our lives began to take on a normalcy....striving to get ahead in life....the decent jobs, a home, nice cars, raising kids...none of this was a true financial impact on him per say, more things I took on to strive for a normal life. However, within that normal life (behind the doors) was this level of dysfunction that could never be addressed. Building a life is something that is completely normal and expected.

 

But my exH did not fit in that world. He had every opportunity to try, but it was not what he wanted...he wanted the life he had as a child which was marred with dysfunction. Children not being allowed to speak at the dinner table, in my family it's where you discussed your day and bonded, severe agitation when trying to fix a plate of food if anyone else were in the kitchen, hanging over a plate of food like an animal waiting for someone to take from it, stealing food from someone else's plate....the need to have a drinking party for every birthday for our son....these were all behaviors that I noted and to a person with a healthy mindset..and a different childhood....seemed strange; however, I knew they were behaviors left over from his childhood. My problem was that I tried to "fix" them. I admit that whole-heartedly in retrospect now. The more he had to try and walk a "normal" path, the more miserable he became and the greater the wedge became between us. Eventually he became another child in the relationship, like an unruly teenager....and more often than not, I lost respect for him as a man.

 

It wasn't always like this...not in the beginning...the first five years were up and down...but when he started steering the family unit on a path of what was outside of normalcy (taking the kids with him to drink at his friends...locking himself in a car in 100 degree temps over a fight with the drinking buddy...me having to pick him and children up because the police were at the drinking buddies house due to a fight). Things started changing when he realized that if he didn't change he would lose his family....but he didn't like the direction he knew he was going to have to go.

 

My daughter told me the other day when we were discussing it, she could not understand why I stayed in the relationship, but she came to understand that it was important to me to keep my family intact. That's probably the most true assessment and maybe not far off the mark of what you did for your family as well. So don't blame yourself for marrying him or having children with him...that is just part of life. Sure, we all wish we could go back and do it over again...the infamous re-do...but not good to dwell there as you can't change it.

 

Sorry to steal your thread with some of my story, but more insights and realizations that as mom's we nest and build for our families. Some things are marred with dysfunction and (in your case) many heartbreaking challenges. In reality, you have done the best you have been able to do and continued on caring for your family and building from that with or without his presence. That makes you a strong person....don't go to self-blame...more learn from the experience and put it in perspective. He is who he is...nothing you can do about that...you are who you are...nothing wrong with that either.

[lovelylove]

Sigh, thanks for your input, no you're not stealing my thread, it's just sad to hear about how many people are mean to one another...

The latest is my ex is putting mean things on facebook about me, that I'm psycho, and I rule hell, etc.

I mean this man is pushing 60 years old.

I am being honest, and have had others read exactly what I wrote to him, to make sure it was nice, appropriate, etc.

The reaction that I got JUST FROM CONTACTING him, about his ill son being better, was and is hateful, slanderous, cruel, mean, venomous.

I absolutely refuse to engage him or his fiancée, or defend myself to our mutual friends. They can lie about me all they want... I know the truth, God knows the truth, and my friends and family know I am a good person.

But it hurts, and my stomach sank when I saw how he reacted.

Everyone is telling me that he sounds very very bitter, unhappy, and mean.

I need to just leave him alone, forever. He will not accept any olive branch from me, and doesn't want to hear about his kids (they won't talk to him).

Sigh. Life is just so messed up sometimes, and I ask God, please give me the strength to carry on and not become bitter, because I will never understand cruelty.

xoxoxoxoxo

[trippi1432]

Hi Lovelylove - Going to be blunt here on this one...not to be cruel, but to point some things out. For one, if he is on your Facebook, delete him now so you can't see those messages. If you are getting that information on what he is posting from other sources, tell them you don't care to know...you choose at this point what to take on to hurt you as he is NOT your husband anymore.

 

A very "freeing" moment for me many months ago was when my exH was hurling superlatives at me over our marriage when we were discussing our son. As soon as he went there, I informed him that I am no longer his wife, he has no right to discuss anything about us and our failures (he gave that right up when he left, refused MC and took up with another woman). Other than discussing (calmly) our son...we have nothing to discuss. The freedom comes when you don't take his opinion of you to heart and allow it to create drama in your life....what you have posted here is that you still do take this to heart.

 

It's been eight years, he is almost 60 years old....he isn't going to change towards you or the children...it's you that will have to change your mindset to not allow this man to hurt you anymore. It truly does start with you....understand?

 

As for him posting that you are a psycho and rule hell...heck, my teenage son posts that on his FB some days when I have to yank his lazy bones out of the bed....I know it's not true (most days :o). I don't let it worry me about what other's think of me, his friends, his friend's parents...etc. On your exH doing this....stop worrying about it...heck, I would even say if anyone mentions it, pretty much say "Well, you know how he is...if it's true he must have something to worry about huh?". Grain of salt.

[lovelylove]

Thank you trippi you are right.

What makes it even harder is that we live in a small town.

I do have the blocked on fb but I couldn't resist looking at her page from another account.

Thank you for the kind words and sage advice.

Xoxoxo

[lovelylove]

PS... his father was exactly like him.... an angry, cruel alcoholic who used to abuse him and of whom he said "I was so glad when he died".

To top that, his younger brother (and only brother, he has a few sisters) died of cancer when he was a child... and his mother, because of her religious beliefs, told the family it was their fault for not believing strongly enough in God.

Near the end of our 20 year marriage, around year 15, I began confronting him and his issues, and it really disturbed him. When he left I told him he was exactly like his father.

When our son died it was the last straw for him I think. He denied he had cancer, said it was "only a growth", and blamed me for "wanting him to die", I kid you not.

His girlfriend (fiancée for 8 years now, I don't get that) obtained a TRO on me for calling her- because he wouldn't answer his phone during my son's illness- I had to literally carry him to the hospital on my own several times . She accused me of harassment- and the police believed her.

It's crazy, isn't it? Sometimes I can't believe it.

My children absolutely refuse to have anything to do with him...

I don't know why I torture myself, but I am starting IC next month to try and figure out why. xoxoxoxox

[trippi1432]

Hi Lovelylove - When you begin IC, be totally open and honest with how those years made you feel...start at the beginning and not just at the now...really examine it so you can get that part of you out. If you are angry, let it out, if you are sad, let it out. If you hide your feelings because "it doesn't feel right" or try to protect him...it won't help you. If you did do something that you felt was wrong....admit to it...otherwise you will just harness those feelings as self-blame until you face them, because it really does take two to tango. If you have a good counselor they will help you try to process those emotions so you don't spiral again and again.

 

It is funny how family of origin comes into play....I recall that my exH wanted to quit working several years ago...even that was following in his father's footsteps...the man hasn't worked for legal wages in 20 years. I probably wouldn't have minded if he had ever taken a more fatherly role in his son's development, but he never truly did...he took more of a "forced" attitude towards it with coaxing from me. I never understood that until he told me about his father leaving him stranded at little league practice when he was seven.

 

In earnest, I really do think that people who use their horrible childhoods as a reason to cheat their lives out of normalcy are at risk of cheating themselves out of a good life. I had a terrible childhood from the age of 12 on, but it made me a stronger person for it..I don't dwell on it and make it my weakness or use it for excuses to find happiness. I used to tell my exH the same thing my dad told me...."You only have one life, you make of it what you want. If you sit in self-pity, then you only have yourself to blame...live it to the fullest and you will find happiness".

[lovelylove]

Thanks Trippi.

IC is going to be hard for me... because there are a lot and I mean a lot of therapists in my family... and I'm in the field myself. It makes it really hard not to try and think about what the counselor is thinking, lol.

Being open and honest and letting it all out, ugh. There is sooooo much stuff in there... and I had a horrendous time of it between 10-18 years, really jaw-dropping stuff... but I feel like you said- the past might be horrible but today can be wonderful, depending on attitude and the will to make it happen.

I think having "a past" makes me a much deeper and more empathetic person than I would be if I'd had a "boring" life... I appreciate the good things- small and big- so much.

Over the last few years, actually in the last year, a lot of my bitterness (almost all of it) has washed away and I'm left with a peaceful feeling... I held on to hate for a long time, far too long, wanting to blame, feeling righteous, but the man in my life has taught me about forgiveness, and it has taken hold.

I still feel pain, anxiety, fear, and my self esteem is low... but the bitter hate is almost gone. It's a freeing feeling!

I have so many different issues to separate out- my nest is about to become empty (a big deal for me), menopause is setting in, and major life decisions need to be made in the next year or two and I have no idea which way to go.

Thank you so very much for your responses, I can't even put into words how helpful you've been, and how warm and kind and wise you are. Thank YOU!!!