scrc1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 My ex called today, for the second time in a week. I don't really know how I should proceed at this point, but I thought I'd throw it out here. This is the novel about everything that's happened so far: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264457/ We've been broken up for about 4 months, I tried all kinds of things to get us back together, but eventually started doing NC periods. We hadn't talked in awhile, and I have not caved and called her. She called me the day after Valentines day, not about anything in particular, just caught up. I left it at that and didn't chase after her. I was careful not to sound like a sad sack. She called again tonight, and it was the same type of thing. But, she said that I should call when I'm working on this paper I have due and she'd help me out. And also wondered aloud if we should be Facebook friends. I kind of danced around those remarks and didn't give them a yes or no. I do not want to get put into some type of friend zone, nor do I want to help her feel better about our breakup. It's really hard to understand. I don't want to chase crumbs. But I have a lot to atone for from our relationship, a lot of this is my own fault, so if she is extending a branch here I would like to act on it. I want to work on us, and will commit to her 100%, but I can't do it alone and I don't want to be in limbo any longer. Should I respond, or maybe wait for a better indication of where she's at?
2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I seen your original post and it seems you got advised to stay in strict NC, whether you do or not that is up to you but it may make more sense as it sounds like she is trying to friend zone you a bit here, classic behaviour as she now feels guilty about the break up, if you then reply she will feel good again and pull away because when you reply she will think you are not mad and will be giving away the signals you don't mind being friends, is that what you want, you will have killed the chance of her thought process going from guilt to wanting you back, realising she made a big mistake and that you don't want to be friends. Trust me I bit a lot of times when my ex reached out after our BU, now we haven't spoke for over a month and we go on MSN to speak to other people and that she ignores me and I ignore her. We never contacted on my bday, valentines or her bday. It's mainly because I spoke to her while I was still needy and sounded pathetic, she basically took the piss out of me and now I have totally blown the 2nd chance - is that where you want to be? 2011
0hpenelope Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I do not want to get put into some type of friend zone, nor do I want to help her feel better about our breakup. It's really hard to understand. I don't want to chase crumbs. But I have a lot to atone for from our relationship, a lot of this is my own fault, so if she is extending a branch here I would like to act on it. I want to work on us, and will commit to her 100%, but I can't do it alone and I don't want to be in limbo any longer. Should I respond, or maybe wait for a better indication of where she's at? Atone? You do that w/in a relationship, not outside of it. You can't start atoning for anything until she and you expressly hammer the conditions of your resumed contact down as leading towards a reconciliation. People are scared of NC and I understand why. But it's not used to get the ex back at all - that's just a benefit of NC, not the goal. She's extending the branch of keeping in touch with you and if you really want a solid answer, why don't you try telling her "What do you want? Because I want to be with you, I'm willing to work on things, and I have to know if we're on the same page." If she replies with some variant of "Yes, let's try again!" then you're aces! But if she says tells you any of that other stuff in response ("I'm not sure. I really miss you though, but I'm not sure," "I'm not ready for a relationship yet," "Can we try being friends first?" "I don't know, I don't think we can be together right now," etc. You know the drill!), you know what to do. Tell her your boundaries, tell her exactly what you want from her ("I don't want you as a friend. If you change your mind about us, you know how to find me."), and pull on those bootstraps and go NC. When someone tells me we're through, I'll believe him and get moving on healing for myself immediately. I don't care if NC will make me mysterious to the ex, I want him out of my head! Yes, there are stories of couples that stayed friends after the break-up and got back together eventually, but you just keep asking around about that friend zone and how hard it is to get out of. The only way that you'll find out where your ex stands is by asking her outright. So... why don't you go ahead and ask? Take care of yourself.
wildcars Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I totally agree.. If there's no indication of "I miss you", or "Can we talk about the relationship", any indication of wanting to reconcile, STAY ON NC!! This will force her to realize your true value, and then start to miss you! It works, if your relationship and love was strong and GOOD, then have faith man.. These things takes time, and all depends on the ex's emotions, how fast they break down. If she doesn't come back (worst case scenario), MOVE ON!! She's not worth it, i know it sounds harsh.. But i had to realize the fact for myself with my relationship, 5 yrs wasted!
Author scrc1 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 People are scared of NC and I understand why. But it's not used to get the ex back at all - that's just a benefit of NC, not the goal. She's extending the branch of keeping in touch with you and if you really want a solid answer, why don't you try telling her "What do you want? Because I want to be with you, I'm willing to work on things, and I have to know if we're on the same page." If she replies with some variant of "Yes, let's try again!" then you're aces! But if she says tells you any of that other stuff in response ("I'm not sure. I really miss you though, but I'm not sure," "I'm not ready for a relationship yet," "Can we try being friends first?" "I don't know, I don't think we can be together right now," etc. You know the drill!), you know what to do. Tell her your boundaries, tell her exactly what you want from her ("I don't want you as a friend. If you change your mind about us, you know how to find me."), and pull on those bootstraps and go NC. When someone tells me we're through, I'll believe him and get moving on healing for myself immediately. I don't care if NC will make me mysterious to the ex, I want him out of my head! I know you're right. And that is exactly the question I want answers to, of course. Knowing her, I don't really expect her to say a variant of "I want to get back together" out of the blue. Maybe she would, and I should just wait and take that risk? I just don't understand if/when I should be asking her if she wants to try again. She's obviously trying to break the ice a bit here, but I don't know what for? Am I likely to get a clearer sign from her? I would think she would know exactly what my intentions are, and that I have no interest in being friends.
2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Be careful, I had a similar thing with my ex, she jumped on me when I went online then I took that as her wanting reconcilliation, I spoke twice with her and then I asked her out, she said yeah ok will let you know and signed off; never heard from her again and that's been over a month - so be careful, don't blow it and don't say ANYTHING About RL unless she brings it up, do not be emotinal, plead and let her lead it! We all know how complex the femal mind is, she may just be looking to inflate her ego a bit as she may be feeling guilty about the BU, but that doesn't mean about you, I mean she is feeling guilty in herself. As soon as you act like a lost dog she will run a mile because that guilt will have been neutralised. 2011 Edited February 22, 2011 by 2011
Author scrc1 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Just got the Facebook friend request. What should I do with this? I recognize it's such a juvenile question, yet nothing has messed with my head more in my entire life. I want a better idea of what she wants from me, because I don't understand what she's doing right now whatsoever. I'm thinking I should just let it sit awhile and see if she tries anything further. What I am really concerned about at this point is what I'm supposed to say when she calls next? I don't want to piss her off if this is her ridiculous way of trying to take steps back together.
gator12 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 My ex called today, for the second time in a week. I don't really know how I should proceed at this point, but I thought I'd throw it out here. This is the novel about everything that's happened so far: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264457/ We've been broken up for about 4 months, I tried all kinds of things to get us back together, but eventually started doing NC periods. We hadn't talked in awhile, and I have not caved and called her. She called me the day after Valentines day, not about anything in particular, just caught up. I left it at that and didn't chase after her. I was careful not to sound like a sad sack. She called again tonight, and it was the same type of thing. But, she said that I should call when I'm working on this paper I have due and she'd help me out. And also wondered aloud if we should be Facebook friends. I kind of danced around those remarks and didn't give them a yes or no. I do not want to get put into some type of friend zone, nor do I want to help her feel better about our breakup. It's really hard to understand. I don't want to chase crumbs. But I have a lot to atone for from our relationship, a lot of this is my own fault, so if she is extending a branch here I would like to act on it. I want to work on us, and will commit to her 100%, but I can't do it alone and I don't want to be in limbo any longer. Should I respond, or maybe wait for a better indication of where she's at? You don't respond. She is doing what we call fishing. She calls every few weeks or so and makes sure you are still there waiting for her. Then she leaves and doesn't do anything to benefit you guys getting back together and then sees if you'll bit again. At best this is her attempting to friend zone you. My advice is to stay in NC, there is no such thing as too much NC, my ex, lol well girlfriend now contacted me for a solid month even though I didn't respond once. If they want you back nothing will stop them. -Gator
Author scrc1 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Was thinking of sending this in response to her crumbs: Hi. I saw your message, but I see you rescinded it. I don't know what you're looking for from me, if anything. I want to be with you. I want to work at us and for us to be happy. I need to know if we're on the same page. Either way, I should probably get an response? Though maybe it's only likely to draw a bad answer. I want her still, but if she doesn't have any interest in reconciling shouldn't I know that?
tommy.is.my.name Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 She may be confused still. That could only serve to push her away.
Layzie89 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 If she wants to give it another go let her be the one to contact you about it. I wouldn't recommend sending that message to her. She's most likely not ready to give you anything concrete and if you put that kind of pressure on her you may be setting yourself up for more heartbreak.
gator12 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Was thinking of sending this in response to her crumbs: Hi. I saw your message, but I see you rescinded it. I don't know what you're looking for from me, if anything. I want to be with you. I want to work at us and for us to be happy. I need to know if we're on the same page. Either way, I should probably get an response? Though maybe it's only likely to draw a bad answer. I want her still, but if she doesn't have any interest in reconciling shouldn't I know that? Logically yes that would work. But relationships for the most part aren't logic, they are emotion. I mean why else would no contact instead of showing your love be the best way to get someone back. The fact is you don't want to do this because you are pressuring her into giving an answer that she most likely isn't ready to give. The simple way of doing this is avoiding any contact with her whatsoever, if she wants you back she will say it. But until those words come from her mouth you have nothing you need to say to her, no matter what she says to you. -Gator
9Lives Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 unless I miss u is attached to i want to get back together, you are friends in her head. period!
Author scrc1 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Man, it's coming in pretty steady now. I haven't reached out to her, and I'd like to thank you all here for talking me down from doing that, making it clear why it's a bad idea. But she's still doing her crumb-drops. We exchanged some drunk texts the other night, she emailed me, and called me today as well. We haven't discussed anything, just quick chats about whatever. Maybe its just her fishing to make sure I'm not with anyone else, which I think it is. I haven't ignored her calls. The fact is that this woman was my best friend for quite a few years, and I miss talking to her very much. I don't want to be just friends, but I don't want to push her further away....because I think this is how she would try to start again. My thinking is that if she calls every now and then, it might be OK to take the call as long as I keep it brief and pleasant. I don't want to call her back. Basically I want to hear the words from her I've been waiting months for. I will not ask her to get back together, and if she isn't leading the conversation that way I'll end it. Good/terrible idea?
wildcars Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 My thinking is that if she calls every now and then, it might be OK to take the call as long as I keep it brief and pleasant. I don't want to call her back. Basically I want to hear the words from her I've been waiting months for. I will not ask her to get back together, and if she isn't leading the conversation that way I'll end it. Good/terrible idea? I would totally agree.. Right now i'm doing the same thing, every activity that i do, i actually post it on my bbm status, for e.g I went bungy this weekend, and she sms me and said pls becareful, blah blah, ignored it... But then later she called, and i picked up, and told her it was an amazing experience. What i do is, i use these small chat to actually make her see and feel that i'm enjoying my life and moving forward without her.. She then bbm 2am, but i didn't reply, i saw it, but didn't reply, cause i was too busy celebrating the bungy jump. Then the next day, she still said hi at like 10pm.. Ignored it for an hour, but replied, sorry, was at a "blah blah" club at a "female" invite, only got back now... etc etc.. I'm using the small chat to actually portray my current Happy (truth) life..
gator12 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Man, it's coming in pretty steady now. I haven't reached out to her, and I'd like to thank you all here for talking me down from doing that, making it clear why it's a bad idea. But she's still doing her crumb-drops. We exchanged some drunk texts the other night, she emailed me, and called me today as well. We haven't discussed anything, just quick chats about whatever. Maybe its just her fishing to make sure I'm not with anyone else, which I think it is. I haven't ignored her calls. The fact is that this woman was my best friend for quite a few years, and I miss talking to her very much. I don't want to be just friends, but I don't want to push her further away....because I think this is how she would try to start again. My thinking is that if she calls every now and then, it might be OK to take the call as long as I keep it brief and pleasant. I don't want to call her back. Basically I want to hear the words from her I've been waiting months for. I will not ask her to get back together, and if she isn't leading the conversation that way I'll end it. Good/terrible idea? Terrible. I don't care how good of a friend she is to you, if you want her in a romantic way you don't need to call her or respond to her. Ignore all of her crumbs, she will say mean hurt things but if she really wants you back it will not stop her. I promise you that, I ignored my ex's crumbs for a MONTH, and she still kept going. Stay strong, stay in NC. -Gator
Author scrc1 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Not a lot has changed lately, she's still been dropping her crumbs now and then. I think she may be with someone else now, but I am not sure. We used to work together, and my ex is moving back to my city this summer, and has been offered her old job back. She asked me for my input, but I didn't really have an answer at the time. The prospect of seeing her everyday and not being with her, or worse, knowing she is going home to someone else, will be just too much for me. Still, I can't make her decisions for her. How should I play this? What could I possibly say? I am thinking of just laying it all out there, and saying "Of course I want you here, for obvious reasons. But if you aren't interested in any of that from me, I can't be around. It's just way too hard." I would quit if I had to. That's not a huge deal. Unfortunately this is a situation that can't be ignored. I want her, and that seems to be all I know. Help?
TheGrimSweeper Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I am thinking of just laying it all out there, and saying "Of course I want you here, for obvious reasons. But if you aren't interested in any of that from me, I can't be around. It's just way too hard." Don't say its way too hard. You dont want to show her your still really hurt by it all.
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