TheSageMan Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I moved away from the city my ex of 3.5 years and I lived in around 3 weeks ago (she told me she needed space in early Nov). I told her that I couldn't keep on living in a city that made me so depressed and brought back so many sad memories. I felt like I needed to start fresh again. Needless to say its been a rocky last 4 months. You can check my last couple posts if you want to get filled in. Anyways, my ex still texts me about once every ~5 days asking how I'm doing, how's work, etc. Basically trying to string me along I'm assuming. I usually go around 1.5 to 3 days to reply, even though I know I shouldn't. I guess my question is "Should I tell her to just leave me alone so that I can move on?!?" I don't want to be rude to her, but I feel like I should tell her to either 1)Tell me she is still interested 2)Stop contacting me and opening back up the wound so to speak. Any thoughts would help. Thank you.
Rose T Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 It's a difficult one, SageMan; I see you've been in low contact partly to be polite, also because I'm sure you're still attached. But no contact, while feeling like an extreme reaction, is a great healer. Under the circumstances you might want to tell her that you feel you need some time to yourself and ask her not to contact you? It's not immature or rude, it's more than a little unfair of her to expect you to be in her life on these terms. Just going NC without explaining yourself is another option, or taking longer and longer to reply, so she gets the message - like waiting a week or ten days, by which time you might have decided that you don't want to reply at all. If she calls you out on it you can always say you've been busy. You've already moved city, she clearly wants to keep stringing you along on some level emotionally - you probably have to make this next "move" to make greater strides in terms of healing. Our exes are happy to move on in their own sweet time but often don't want us to let go - that's not very kind or thoughtful at all, even if their messages appear to be so.
Bluebelle38 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 How is is childish to be honest? Just tell her that you want to move on with your life and her contact is making it difficult. No one is suggesting you bite her head off. Sometimes people make their lives more difficult than it needs to be. She is holding you back, simply tell her that and wish her well.
Author TheSageMan Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Below is what I wrote her. I had a stressful day at work and receiving another text last night around midnight didn't help any. I know it may be a little curt, but hopefully she'll understand. First off, I hope this email finds you in good spirits and not getting too stressed out from school, life, etc. These last couple of weeks for me have been hectic sprinkled with a whole lot of excitement for the unknown. Cut to the chase. I have been doing really well slowly blocking you out of my life and moving on day by day. However, every time you text me to see how I'm doing, or how work is, etc. it only keeps stirring up the same old emotions thus hindering me from moving on. It makes me start thinking about you even more and leaves me wanting to contact you. Now I know that you aren't doing it on purpose to make me feel bad, but please stop. For my sanity, please. I can't help it that I'm still in love with you, but I need to convince myself that I can move on without loving you. So, I'm asking you to help me with this. Unless you are still interested in me or possibly having a relationship in the future please just give me the same space that you asked for. It absolutely kills me to ask for this, but I feel its the only way for me to move on without avoiding you at all costs and seeming rude. Please don't hate me. I didn't want to do it this way but I'm still shattered inside. I wish you would come back, but I know you wont so let me go. Convince yourself that you moved to XXXXX by yourself, moved back to XXXXX to go to school by yourself, and now have your life to live it as you see fit. If we aren't together, then I can't stand to see, hear or know how or what you are doing and who you are doing it with. Not one iota. Maybe down the road things will change, but for right now there are only two options.
Rose T Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I think your email was perfect, SageMan! Let us know if she get's back to you. You've dealt with the situation well, now she needs to show a bit of self-discipline, seeing as this is the route she's chosen. Bravo.
Author TheSageMan Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 So this is what I received earlier today from her in response to my email. understood. consider your number deleted. Will always love and care and think about you. ... and then there was this a couple of hours later Sorry to email you again....i just wanted to make sure that the brevity of my previous message was not misinterpreted as being rude. I was just running lab studies and wasnt supposed to be using the computer, but had read your email and wanted you to know that I completely understood. I totally understand where you are coming from, and in a way, its the best thing for both of us. Its really hard for me to not talk to you when I see something that makes me laugh or something that I know will make you smile, but I know its selfish of me and I never want to hurt you. I will always keep you close to my heart XXXXXXX. Always Always Always. And I will dream of you in amazing places, enjoying your life....because seeing you happy was my greatest pleasure. nothing made my heart lighter than hearing you laugh. I hope that we will cross paths again one day. I hope that you know that even if we don't, you will always be loved by me. I will not contact you again, but please know that it is not because I feel any differently about you or care for you any less. Much Adore, XXXXXXX ..so there it is. Now the future begins.
Rose T Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I totally understand where you are coming from, and in a way, its the best thing for both of us. Its really hard for me to not talk to you when I see something that makes me laugh or something that I know will make you smile, but I know its selfish of me and I never want to hurt you. I will always keep you close to my heart XXXXXXX. Always Always Always. And I will dream of you in amazing places, enjoying your life....because seeing you happy was my greatest pleasure. nothing made my heart lighter than hearing you laugh. I hope that we will cross paths again one day. I hope that you know that even if we don't, you will always be loved by me. I will not contact you again, but please know that it is not because I feel any differently about you or care for you any less. Much Adore, XXXXXXX Wow, she's a bit of a drama queen, isn't she SageMan? think she's cranking out the world's smallest violin there... I'm sure it tugged a bit on the heartstrings when you received that but it's another illustration of her selfishness: even in letting you go, she wants to reiterate how much she loves you (um yeah, that's why she broke up with you) and how she always put your happiness first (like dumping you). Be strong. You can do better than this - you can find someone who actually follows through on what they say.
makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Why the heck do people that are in love with each other break up? Gheesh!
0hpenelope Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Wow, she's a bit of a drama queen, isn't she SageMan? think she's cranking out the world's smallest violin there... I'm sure it tugged a bit on the heartstrings when you received that but it's another illustration of her selfishness: even in letting you go, she wants to reiterate how much she loves you (um yeah, that's why she broke up with you) and how she always put your happiness first (like dumping you). Be strong. You can do better than this - you can find someone who actually follows through on what they say. Yeah I don't understand that either. They say one thing and then act differently, guess which of the two is more believable?! Why the heck do people that are in love with each other break up? Gheesh! Girl, find the answer to this and you will be richer than Oprah. I've always found the "The break-up happened for a reason," trite and woefully inadequate in most cases. Sage, I hope she will stick to it this time. My ex asked for "time apart" and I've not contacted him since the day we last spoke and he's not reached out to me also. It comes with its own pains of missing him, but I know that it's much better than having him get in touch with me in an effort to stay friends when that's not what I want from him. I've been around that block before and complete NC helped my healing progress faster. Good luck with everything!
trippi1432 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Why the heck do people that are in love with each other break up? Gheesh! Simple..if no cheating is involved.....fear of the unknown, lack of communication, over thinking/over analyzing, insecurity, emotional unavailability or lack of being able to make a commitment....stubborness and pride....and the biggest one...the inability to say I'm sorry and mean it.
Trimmer Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) Telling her to leave you alone is childish to say the least. If calling you reopen painful wounds, there are better ways to handle it than trying to bite her head off. If you are no more interested in her, i wonder what you are so uptight about. Ahhh, OK... And so your advice would be???? "Buy my book?" To the OP - I think that was a decent letter, all things considered. Don't spend any time worrying about whether you said the right thing, and definitely don't try to parse her response, looking for clues or answers. The goal was to cut off contact, and the only part of her note you need to understand is "I will not contact you again..." She's getting what she wanted, you're getting what you need. Indeed - now the future begins. Edited February 24, 2011 by Trimmer
Author TheSageMan Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Thank you all for the replies. If that email doesn't work, then what I sent her today should put the cap on and bury this whole thing. And I know I already violated the whole NC deal, I just had to get it off my chest. It goes as follows: Oh, and by the way you shouldn't tell someone you love them while you are seeing someone else. Not only is that narcissistic, but just plain trashy. Good luck with your pathetic existence. I should have know better than to deal with classless women. F**k it. I'm tired of taking the high road. Edited February 26, 2011 by TheSageMan
Author TheSageMan Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I didn't want to reply to her once she responded to my last email but I had to to finally get the point across. I feel like an a-hole for what I said, but she really needed to be put in her place. She responded this: I do love you. But you can think anything of me that you would like. Goodbye XXXXXXXX. That message hurt...especially since you slept with someone less than a month after we broke up. I wish we weren't leaving things this way but so be it. I was really pissed after a long meeting on Saturday and this was the last straw so I kinda went off the deep end. Interestingly enough it gave me some of the closure that I had been seeking for so long just by getting some things off of my chest that needed to be said. It goes as follows: Believe me, I didn't want to leave things this way either. But to call me out because I slept with someone else a month after we broke up is a bulls**t call. While I understand that it hurt your feelings (which it shouldn't because you left), it hails in comparison to the pain I was experiencing at that point in my life. You ripped out my heart and soul and stomped on it during the most vulnerable time in my life with little to no explanation or reasoning. The countless nights I lie awake wondering why you left took a physical and mental effect on my being to the point where I couldn't recognize myself anymore. At that point I was such an empty and numb person that being in the arms of someone else had little to no impact on my emotional state. To say that you still love me only makes me laugh at this point in time (because thats what you do when you love somebody, you break up with them). Frankly, it's just downright selfish. And to say that will always put my happiness first....HAHAHA! I guess thats why you left too, to make me happy. To continually string someone along and give them false hopes of one day making amends and getting back together is cruel and inhumane. I can only hope that one day you will be in my shoes and suffer through the agony of having the person you love walk all over you. At that point maybe you'll finally understand what I'm saying to you. Someday you will look back and have great regret on how you handled this whole situation. I just wish you could see that things aren't always peachy keen in life and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Hopefully you'll get through that stage before one day you turn around and you are old and alone. On a side note, this may be the last post I send for awhile. I've been hanging out with this new girl from work fairly regularly, and am very intrigued at the direction it is taking me in. Good luck to you all, and just know that one day we will all get through this!
timchambo Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I didn't want to reply to her once she responded to my last email but I had to to finally get the point across. I feel like an a-hole for what I said, but she really needed to be put in her place. She responded this: I do love you. But you can think anything of me that you would like. Goodbye XXXXXXXX. That message hurt...especially since you slept with someone less than a month after we broke up. I wish we weren't leaving things this way but so be it. I was really pissed after a long meeting on Saturday and this was the last straw so I kinda went off the deep end. Interestingly enough it gave me some of the closure that I had been seeking for so long just by getting some things off of my chest that needed to be said. It goes as follows: Believe me, I didn't want to leave things this way either. But to call me out because I slept with someone else a month after we broke up is a bulls**t call. While I understand that it hurt your feelings (which it shouldn't because you left), it hails in comparison to the pain I was experiencing at that point in my life. You ripped out my heart and soul and stomped on it during the most vulnerable time in my life with little to no explanation or reasoning. The countless nights I lie awake wondering why you left took a physical and mental effect on my being to the point where I couldn't recognize myself anymore. At that point I was such an empty and numb person that being in the arms of someone else had little to no impact on my emotional state. To say that you still love me only makes me laugh at this point in time (because thats what you do when you love somebody, you break up with them). Frankly, it's just downright selfish. And to say that will always put my happiness first....HAHAHA! I guess thats why you left too, to make me happy. To continually string someone along and give them false hopes of one day making amends and getting back together is cruel and inhumane. I can only hope that one day you will be in my shoes and suffer through the agony of having the person you love walk all over you. At that point maybe you'll finally understand what I'm saying to you. Someday you will look back and have great regret on how you handled this whole situation. I just wish you could see that things aren't always peachy keen in life and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Hopefully you'll get through that stage before one day you turn around and you are old and alone. On a side note, this may be the last post I send for awhile. I've been hanging out with this new girl from work fairly regularly, and am very intrigued at the direction it is taking me in. Good luck to you all, and just know that one day we will all get through this! Wow amazingly entertaining thread. My ex also left me for another guy. So ya she cheated. Won't get into details they're well documented here anyways. I also had the whole stop contacting me email. It really is truly amazing how they can cheat, leave, the totally disregard their actions and follow up with some canned empty words. Not sure how long you guys were together but we were over 7. I wouldn't talk to a friend that way... It's like they really are just a stranger. The response I got was so similar to yours. I wanted to do what you did but decided against it. I hope they do regret their actions. It's hard to see that they will when they give you the false reasons for the break up after the fact.
Author TheSageMan Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 Here is where the story ends I suppose. I am grateful that she was finally up front with me instead of being vague and beating around the bush. I just wish she would have said this months ago instead of dragging it out. Her response is as follows: I apologize for not being clearer with my word choices. I do love you XXXXXX, but I am not in love with you. I did not leave without any explanation or reason as you so claimed. I had begged you to help me make things better for a number of years...something we both failed at achieving, and in the end the only thing I knew to do was face the reality of what we were in, and call a spade a spade. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it broke me. You are correct that I might have made the biggest mistake of my life....walking away from the greatest man I have ever known, but at this point I made my bed, and I will have to take whatever comes to me...whether it be bad or good. There is not one part of me that ever wanted to hurt you, and believe it or not it killed me to walk away from you. I was drowning, and I was losing myself in the process....if I had stayed I would have destroyed us both. You can hate me. That is your right. But I refuse to stop caring about you and wanting you to be happy, no matter how many nasty words you throw my way. At this point I will say goodbye XXXXXX. I will not be responding to your emails from this point forward, per your earlier request. I will always love you, and I will hope that someday we will cross paths again, and I will be able to win a smile from you, or a "hello", or anything else. My heart broke too. Don't ever forget that. Always, XXXXXX The last goodbye's the hardest one to say...so this is where the cowboy rides away.
Author TheSageMan Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 I left her with one sentence to think about so she never has the urge to contact me again to tell me she's getting married (like my friends ex did) or anything else. I would rather have my hands washed clean of it. "You are dead to me now, as I am to you"
Author TheSageMan Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 An update: Things are looking brighter. My job is stellar. I've met more people in the last month than I have in the last 3 years. Girls are actually calling me to take them out! It's really a welcome change. Things really do get better with time. My ex has reached out to me a couple of times but I have yet to give her any nod of attention. I am to the point were I delete any messages that are sent my way before reading them. I can't help that I do still think about her, but mainly I just want to tell her to eat a bowl of d**ks.
Author TheSageMan Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Its been nearly 2.5 months of NC. She sent me message today saying that she still thinks about me quite often, in addition to giving me updates on her family (I don't care about any of them anymore). It really didn't phase me other than thinking about her for a short period of time, but because this site is my therapist I felt the need to post. I think that it may be time for me to permanently delete/block her from email because she obviously doesn't get that I do not want to have anything to do with her ever again.
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 This girl is a lunatic. A dramatic lunatic. You tell her to stop responding and she keeps doing it - granted....you kept emailing her back with snarky BS but the fact that you've been NC this long and she still keeps in contact. What? Are you her fallback boy? Do not respond to her as it only makes you look desperate, block everything about her...number....email...Everything...and more importantly - don't send her a message that you're doing all of this - just do it.
0hpenelope Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I think that it may be time for me to permanently delete/block her from email because she obviously doesn't get that I do not want to have anything to do with her ever again. Since you don't want anything to do with her, I think this is a good idea too. I support this, Sage.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 good for you in staying strong and moving forward. she's proven herself a liar by saying she wouldn't contact again - then doing just what she said she wouldn't do. she wants you as her backup... you deserve way more than what she keeps offering when she throws crumbs your way.
rayne05us Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 WOW!!!! YOU'RE AWESOME!!! You sound like you're doing very well and you're happy ))
Author TheSageMan Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 WOW!!!! YOU'RE AWESOME!!! You sound like you're doing very well and you're happy )) I think the key is to finally realize that you are better off without them. It takes awhile to get to that stage but it will happen sooner or later. I know that she knows she f'd up and there is no turning back now.
rayne05us Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I'm doing the Mr. Miyagi "head nod" from Karate Kid right now ))) WOW!!! You're like so getting this!!!
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