frenchangel Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 He has been going to therapy and his therapist told him the only way his marriage is going to work is if he gives it 100%. He says it has to work for the sake of the boys, for her, for him. At one time he did ask her for a divorce, thus going to counseling. We talked hours about our plans to be together. SO this isn't just an affair, we wanted to be together. What is stopping us is the distance of CA and OH. The children. He has said if even ONE of us had no children, it would be easy for us to be together. He would move to be with me if he didn't have children, or I would be able to move and be with him. I agreed. This is the same person that a week earlier said I was his soulmate, the love of his life, his wife, his forever aftermore, the best thing that ever happened to him. I could go on and on.... We were suppose to meet this Fall to be together physically for the first time which we both felt would end our wondering, our whatifs, any regrets or wishing we would have if we never were physically intimate together. I told him this Fall is my full circle, my closure to our wondering. So that I could either love him deeply or move on. He totally agreed with me. We were both looking forward to it. He has even said it is also a fear of his, falling deeper in love with me if we were to be intimate physically with each other. Then his birthday happened.... they fought for 3 of the 4 days they were together. I think deep down he blames his love for me as the wrench in his irritation with her during his birthday weekend. So now he has asked me for some distance,... ALOT of distance. Its hurtful and is killing me inside but I wonder if he is testing me a little to see if I truly love him. I know he is working on their marriage also so I wonder if he is trying to cut his emotions for me out so that he can focus on bringing that emotions to her. What should I do? I'm afraid if I tell him I can't do it that it will just prove to him that I am going to leave him (one of his fears he told me earlier was that I would leave him down the road thus part of the reason he is distant or withdraws from me sometimes). I'm afraid if I give up on him now, what if I miss out on the fact their relationship with all the counseling and hard work doesn't work out. I'm afraid that he could change his mind in the Fall and want to be with me if nothing else briefly for that week. What if I miss out on that by leaving him. I'm afraid if I tell him goodbye, I will die inside. So is it better to not just be a friend waiting for his every word? I want the opportunity to be able to meet him this Fall at least for lunch so that I can 'see' in person the man I feel deeply in love with. I think he is afraid to say yes or no because he is fearful if he does come see me that it will be impossible for him to not want more with me. I just need that closure. There are moments were he wants to chat with me and there are moments were he doesn't. So he is going through an emotional rollercoaster of his own. He does tell me he misses me and thinks about me. And this weekend even said 'I love you' and 'I miss you' without me having to be the one to say it first. What should I do?
Glutton4Punishment Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Just keep in mind French that as hard as it is for you right now, think how he feels. I am sure I will take flak for saying this, aside from the stereotypes of MM, they have feelings too. The feeling of being torn in two directions between two women that you love dearly is heart breaking. You have to keep in mind where his priority lies. While that may hurt you, to live behind the proverbial rose colored glasses is going to hurt you even worse in the end. It is only fair to his wife and to you if you can allow him the chance to see if his marriage can be salvaged. If he cannot decide then that should be answer enough for you. During this time you have to look out for you because he might not necessarily have your best interests at heart. Just keep an open mind and give him the space that he needs, it is cliche but if it was meant to be, it will. Keep things in perspective and take it one day at a time. Good luck and I wish you well.
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 It's over. Sorry..You have no choice to but to walk away. His reasons, whether he is telling you the truth or not, really doesn't matter..Bottomline is, he's chosing to stay with his whole family unit and you hoping and waiting in the wings that one day he'll change his mind is putting your own life on hold. It'll hurt and sorry for your pain, but from what you've said, his words may mean alot to you, but his actions are showing you what he wants. If you haven't already, seek out out a therapist, someone you can talk to and help you cope with this, to help you get strong so you can walk away. Though, I'm not sure if you want to do that? Seems you kind of want to hang onto this man and hope one day he chooses you.
carrie999 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 He has been going to therapy and his therapist told him the only way his marriage is going to work is if he gives it 100%. He says it has to work for the sake of the boys, for her, for him. At one time he did ask her for a divorce, thus going to counseling. We talked hours about our plans to be together. SO this isn't just an affair, we wanted to be together. What is stopping us is the distance of CA and OH. The children. He has said if even ONE of us had no children, it would be easy for us to be together. He would move to be with me if he didn't have children, or I would be able to move and be with him. I agreed. This is the same person that a week earlier said I was his soulmate, the love of his life, his wife, his forever aftermore, the best thing that ever happened to him. I could go on and on.... We were suppose to meet this Fall to be together physically for the first time which we both felt would end our wondering, our whatifs, any regrets or wishing we would have if we never were physically intimate together. I told him this Fall is my full circle, my closure to our wondering. So that I could either love him deeply or move on. He totally agreed with me. We were both looking forward to it. He has even said it is also a fear of his, falling deeper in love with me if we were to be intimate physically with each other. Then his birthday happened.... they fought for 3 of the 4 days they were together. I think deep down he blames his love for me as the wrench in his irritation with her during his birthday weekend. So now he has asked me for some distance,... ALOT of distance. Its hurtful and is killing me inside but I wonder if he is testing me a little to see if I truly love him. I know he is working on their marriage also so I wonder if he is trying to cut his emotions for me out so that he can focus on bringing that emotions to her. What should I do? I'm afraid if I tell him I can't do it that it will just prove to him that I am going to leave him (one of his fears he told me earlier was that I would leave him down the road thus part of the reason he is distant or withdraws from me sometimes). I'm afraid if I give up on him now, what if I miss out on the fact their relationship with all the counseling and hard work doesn't work out. I'm afraid that he could change his mind in the Fall and want to be with me if nothing else briefly for that week. What if I miss out on that by leaving him. I'm afraid if I tell him goodbye, I will die inside. So is it better to not just be a friend waiting for his every word? I want the opportunity to be able to meet him this Fall at least for lunch so that I can 'see' in person the man I feel deeply in love with. I think he is afraid to say yes or no because he is fearful if he does come see me that it will be impossible for him to not want more with me. I just need that closure. There are moments were he wants to chat with me and there are moments were he doesn't. So he is going through an emotional rollercoaster of his own. He does tell me he misses me and thinks about me. And this weekend even said 'I love you' and 'I miss you' without me having to be the one to say it first. What should I do? I'm confused...is "this Fall" another bit of LS terminology that I have not learned? I'm surmising that its meaning is related to a different understanding or revealing something?
tami-chan Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I want the opportunity to be able to meet him this Fall at least for lunch so that I can 'see' in person the man I feel deeply in love with. I think he is afraid to say yes or no because he is fearful if he does come see me that it will be impossible for him to not want more with me. I just need that closure. FA...you have not met him in person? How long have you "known" him? You know you cannot make him want to meet you. He must want to meet you and vice versa. Start letting go...Tell yourself you are in love with an idea of him.
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 We were suppose to meet this Fall to be together physically for the first time which we both felt would end our wondering, our whatifs, any regrets or wishing we would have if we never were physically intimate together. So you've never met him face to face? All this has been online? Sorry I am abit confused here with how you've worded things.
Heather1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 That's a lot of pain & promises for never meeting?
tami-chan Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm confused...is "this Fall" another bit of LS terminology that I have not learned? I'm surmising that its meaning is related to a different understanding or revealing something? funny...!!!! what do you mean? is somebody obsessed with "fall" ?
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 FA...you have not met him in person? How long have you "known" him? You know you cannot make him want to meet you. He must want to meet you and vice versa. Start letting go...Tell yourself you are in love with an idea of him. Tami is right. You're inlove with the fantasy of who he is, who he showed he was..Online. I can understand him not wanting to throw away his marriage and whole life for someone he's never met face to face. WIth that said, he certainly has made you fall head over heels for him.. I think he was so in the wrong to tell you "you are his wife and soulmate" . Do you see that he really is in no position to tell you that, let alone make you promises, get your hopes up because he's married and has a wife, has kids.
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm confused...is "this Fall" another bit of LS terminology that I have not learned? I'm surmising that its meaning is related to a different understanding or revealing something? It is abit odd that FALL has been mentioned so many times, but seeing as this is a new poster, they probably don't know LS terminology, unless they've been lurking for a while. Anyway, I took it as some importance to the OP. Like a deadline. I've heard 'Spring' more than "Fall".
OWoman Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm confused...is "this Fall" another bit of LS terminology that I have not learned? I'm surmising that its meaning is related to a different understanding or revealing something? I think "fall" is American for Autumn.
Calli Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 FA - How do you know it's over? Well, if I'm reading your post correctly you have never met the MM in person? That would mean that it never even got started really. But, I know you can fall in love with someone online - I did too. We did meet and it was love at first sight and we had a 5 year relationship only for me to find out that he was married the entire time. So, while mine did not work it and was a disaster for me. You know this man is married. If I could give you a piece of advise it would be to let it go. He is married and is already back peddling on meeting you, perhaps because he could not get a trip away from the wife?? Please, please don't waste your life on a man that is married with children. I'm no expert but they usually don't just up and leave their wife and childen. Believe me, I know how much you must be hurting.
Carrot2000 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) I think "fall" is American for Autumn. Yes, in the context of this post "fall" means autumn. Don't y'all speak 'merican? Edited February 22, 2011 by Carrot2000
anne1707 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Don't y'all speak 'merican? No. Some of us actually speak English
fooled once Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) He has been going to therapy and his therapist told him the only way his marriage is going to work is if he gives it 100%. He says it has to work for the sake of the boys, for her, for him. At one time he did ask her for a divorce, thus going to counseling. We talked hours about our plans to be together. SO this isn't just an affair, we wanted to be together. What is stopping us is the distance of CA and OH. The children. He has said if even ONE of us had no children, it would be easy for us to be together. He would move to be with me if he didn't have children, or I would be able to move and be with him. I agreed. This is the same person that a week earlier said I was his soulmate, the love of his life, his wife, his forever aftermore, the best thing that ever happened to him. I could go on and on.... We were suppose to meet this Fall to be together physically for the first time which we both felt would end our wondering, our whatifs, any regrets or wishing we would have if we never were physically intimate together. I told him this Fall is my full circle, my closure to our wondering. So that I could either love him deeply or move on. He totally agreed with me. We were both looking forward to it. He has even said it is also a fear of his, falling deeper in love with me if we were to be intimate physically with each other. Then his birthday happened.... they fought for 3 of the 4 days they were together. I think deep down he blames his love for me as the wrench in his irritation with her during his birthday weekend. So now he has asked me for some distance,... ALOT of distance. Its hurtful and is killing me inside but I wonder if he is testing me a little to see if I truly love him. I know he is working on their marriage also so I wonder if he is trying to cut his emotions for me out so that he can focus on bringing that emotions to her. What should I do? I'm afraid if I tell him I can't do it that it will just prove to him that I am going to leave him (one of his fears he told me earlier was that I would leave him down the road thus part of the reason he is distant or withdraws from me sometimes). I'm afraid if I give up on him now, what if I miss out on the fact their relationship with all the counseling and hard work doesn't work out. I'm afraid that he could change his mind in the Fall and want to be with me if nothing else briefly for that week. What if I miss out on that by leaving him. I'm afraid if I tell him goodbye, I will die inside. So is it better to not just be a friend waiting for his every word? I want the opportunity to be able to meet him this Fall at least for lunch so that I can 'see' in person the man I feel deeply in love with. I think he is afraid to say yes or no because he is fearful if he does come see me that it will be impossible for him to not want more with me. I just need that closure. There are moments were he wants to chat with me and there are moments were he doesn't. So he is going through an emotional rollercoaster of his own. He does tell me he misses me and thinks about me. And this weekend even said 'I love you' and 'I miss you' without me having to be the one to say it first. What should I do? Many women in affairs believe it to more than it is. While you believe this is "love", I see it as fantasy. You two have never met. You feel "in love" with a personality on the computer. You don't even KNOW him. He may have habits you can't live with; he may have quirks that send you over the edge and are annoying. You two have never met - so how can you be in love with someone who you have never seen? How much online communication do you have since he is married? He is actually doing you a favor by telling you he needs to focus on his marriage 100%, per his therapist. He is showing you he isn't leaving by telling you this. I can promise you, you won't die. You had a life before him, you will have a life after him. And the fact remains there ARE children involved. Neither one of you would be worth much as a parent if you were willing to pick up and MOVE away from those children. Please don't blame the "kids" that you two aren't together. You aren't together because he is already committed to someone else; although if he is telling you he loves you, then he is a pretty crappy husband to his wife. He is letting you down easy. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He is choosing his marriage and his family. Walk away. I know it hurts. I have been there. So have many others here. Until he is no longer married, leave him alone. You seem to be way more invested than he is because he IS going to counseling to work on his marriage; not to get out of his marriage. The fact that you said you normally say "I love you" first was a HUGE red flag to me - beside the married with kids part. Hon, let it go. Move on. Mourn it and then go forward. Wish him well and I agree that you should look into some counseling for yourself. There is no fairy tale ending / happily ever after that is going to happen. It's over. Sorry..You have no choice to but to walk away. His reasons, whether he is telling you the truth or not, really doesn't matter..Bottomline is, he's chosing to stay with his whole family unit and you hoping and waiting in the wings that one day he'll change his mind is putting your own life on hold. It'll hurt and sorry for your pain, but from what you've said, his words may mean alot to you, but his actions are showing you what he wants. If you haven't already, seek out out a therapist, someone you can talk to and help you cope with this, to help you get strong so you can walk away. Though, I'm not sure if you want to do that? Seems you kind of want to hang onto this man and hope one day he chooses you. Agree Edited February 23, 2011 by fooled once
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