Is this rejection? Did I reject these women?

[Leeway Harris]

In the thread "Should I date woman I have low interest in?" the following exchange took place between tiger20 and MarlyStar:

 

But it's usually women who hold the rejection cards. They hold all the cards as to where the relationship is going & who they're going to reject. So a man's interest level is moot because when hold the cards on rejection. A man is always in the wrong for rejecting a woman.

 

So when a man and a woman have a great date and then she never hears from him again, that's not rejection?

 

Men have just as many rejection cards.

 

I have gone on a few first dates with women and never called again, even though the dates went pretty well by any standard.

 

Did I reject them? At the time, I didn't think of it that way at all. Usually, after the dates I'd consider myself undecided as to whether I'd go out with them again.

 

I'd give myself a little time to think about it, and eventually I'd figure "Well, I haven't called her, and she hasn't called me, so I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

 

Am I wrong? Was it all up to me? Am I totally responsible for these relationships-that-never-were? Was I the "rejector" in these situations?

[Ay Diesel T]

In the thread "Should I date woman I have low interest in?" the following exchange took place between tiger20 and MarlyStar:

 

 

 

 

 

I have gone on a few first dates with women and never called again, even though the dates went pretty well by any standard.

 

Did I reject them? At the time, I didn't think of it that way at all. Usually, after the dates I'd consider myself undecided as to whether I'd go out with them again.

 

I'd give myself a little time to think about it, and eventually I'd figure "Well, I haven't called her, and she hasn't called me, so I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

 

Am I wrong? Was it all up to me? Am I totally responsible for these relationships-that-never-were? Was I the "rejector" in these situations?

 

No, who ever that posted is a bitter biased buffoon.

 

Whatever reason something didn't work out is 50/50. It's not just one person's fault 100%.

 

Take me for example, a woman called me, I didn't rush to call her back, but managed to do so within an hour. She didn't pick up, I left a voicemail. Never got a response back. Was I rejected? Possibly. Was she rejected cause I didn't make anymore efforts to call her? She may think so.

 

It's perception. Will she be rejected if she manages to come into contact with me again? Possibly. Or I could be nice and make her work for my attention.

 

People just get sour when they don't get their way. I'm sour cause she didn't have the decency to at least contact me back and then reject me lol. I'm not even sour really, I just know how to treat her now. Like what she is, a ghost. And I don't believe in ghosts.

 

There's a couple women on here who won't agree with that, because they believe that a guy should continue to bark up a tree even though he's seeing no success. Or make that "extra" effort to make the women feel special and wanted. That's a load of crap. That shouldn't be forced through ridiculous push-pull middle school games. That should be earned through time spent with each other, and a grown liking of one another.

 

Women expect treatment that is earned, from the jump. So they may see it as rejection or that there's something wrong with the guy who didn't pursue them any further than the line where her maturity began to lack existence.

Edited February 22, 2011 by Ay Diesel T
bit of a rant lol, maaa baaaaaad

[fishtaco]

Huh? What's wrong with rejecting women? For that matter, what's wrong with any man/woman rejecting any man/woman. Oh, and what's wrong with any LGBT rejecting any LGBT?

 

The wrong is getting into a relationship that you don't want, or one that you already know is going to fail. If there's not enough interest, why continue?

[Mrlonelyone]

Take me for example, a woman called me, I didn't rush to call her back, but managed to do so within an hour. She didn't pick up, I left a voicemail. Never got a response back. Was I rejected? Possibly. Was she rejected cause I didn't make anymore efforts to call her? She may think so.

 

It's perception. Will she be rejected if she manages to come into contact with me again? Possibly. Or I could be nice and make her work for my attention.

 

I could not say that better. That should be the way things work.

 

The problem is that some people have taken to just "fading out" on someone and then "hoping that he/she will take the hint". Due to that practice which is all too common not calling a woman ever again can legitimately be taken as a rejection.

 

I do agree that too many women expect a man to chase them too much. That is probably the prime reason that some otherwise attractive, good women are single.

[Ay Diesel T]

I could not say that better. That should be the way things work.

 

The problem is that some people have taken to just "fading out" on someone and then "hoping that he/she will take the hint". Due to that practice which is all too common not calling a woman ever again can legitimately be taken as a rejection.

 

I do agree that too many women expect a man to chase them too much. That is probably the prime reason that some otherwise attractive, good women are single.

 

Not only the chase, but too many expect things from the jump, things that should be earned not given. Pretty women let things go to their head, so in reality, they can just have what they what from the jump, cause suckers are out there giving it to them. Which brings me to the point I'm trying to make, the only way you'd be successful (if that's what you want to call it) with that woman is if you were a sucker.

 

Cats think their lack of success with these women is cause of them, no, it's cause that woman probably has some issues and a huge entitlement complex. And she probably isn't used to dealing with a man who has a spine.

 

These women also can't handle rejection. Even if it a mild and harmful rejection like "he didn't call me back". It's all about stroking their big ego, they could care less about the man who's doing it really.

 

It's pretty reasonable to expect rational behavior and maturity in the beginning though, no?

[SmileFace]

Yes, technically it is a rejection. However , how can you reject a rejector?

 

If these women didn't take the initiative of contacting you - I see that as an rejection as well. Who cares if they were waiting for you to contact them . No , silence in this case is technically a rejection on their end.

 

So two rejections - obviously cancels out to no rejections lol.

 

Unless you want to call up these said women and ask them if they were waiting for you to contact them. Well that will be one rejection on your side

 

Moral of the story

Two people go out - have mediocre date - neither contacts the other.

 

That is it - that is the moral

Edited February 22, 2011 by SmileFace

[Leeway Harris]

Huh? What's wrong with rejecting women? For that matter, what's wrong with any man/woman rejecting any man/woman. Oh, and what's wrong with any LGBT rejecting any LGBT?

Nothing's "wrong" with it, I was just wondering if I was realistic in my thinking.

 

If any of those women were thinking "I hope he calls me," then they probably see my behavior as rejection. But then, they didn't call me either, so...

 

I don't know. I guess some people would say the "rejection cards" were mine and mine alone to play, and others would say the opposite.

[GooseChaser]

Regardless of whose "fault" it was, the bottom line is that if neither person contacts the other, nothing will happen. Some women expect the man to call; that's just how it is. It depends on the person. Even when they don't call you, though, you always have the option to call them if you want to see them again.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself about it. It's all a learning experience. Maybe just chalk it up to low interest on both sides?

[Leeway Harris]

Regardless of whose "fault" it was, the bottom line is that if neither person contacts the other, nothing will happen. Some women expect the man to call; that's just how it is. It depends on the person. Even when they don't call you, though, you always have the option to call them if you want to see them again.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself about it. It's all a learning experience. Maybe just chalk it up to low interest on both sides?

I say again, I am not trying to figure out whose "fault" it was, and I'm not being hard on myself. The question was inspired by the "rejection cards" exchange quoted in the first post. "Fault" doesn't enter into it.

[GooseChaser]

I say again, I am not trying to figure out whose "fault" it was, and I'm not being hard on myself. The question was inspired by the "rejection cards" exchange quoted in the first post. "Fault" doesn't enter into it.

I wrote other stuff too, you know. If you read my post as a whole, maybe it will be more helpful.

[Leeway Harris]

I wrote other stuff too, you know. If you read my post as a whole, maybe it will be more helpful.

I did read your whole post, GooseChaser. I just got the impression that you and the other people responding were focusing more on the "blame" aspect. In the thread I quoted in the first post, there's a guy basically saying "I get rejected all the time because the dating world is biased in favor of women, they hold all the cards." Then another poster says that men who don't call again after having a great first date are "rejecting" women in their own way, maybe without even realizing that's what they're doing. That to reject somebody, you don't have to explicitly say "I reject you! Be gone!" So the implication is that it's not as unequal as some guys feel it is.

[GooseChaser]

I did read your whole post, GooseChaser. I just got the impression that you and the other people responding were focusing more on the "blame" aspect. In the thread I quoted in the first post, there's a guy basically saying "I get rejected all the time because the dating world is biased in favor of women, they hold all the cards." Then another poster says that men who don't call again after having a great first date are "rejecting" women in their own way, maybe without even realizing that's what they're doing. That to reject somebody, you don't have to explicitly say "I reject you! Be gone!" So the implication is that it's not as unequal as some guys feel it is.

I agree that both men and women are rejected. It doesn't need to be stated explicitly. I've had my fair share of rejections, myself. I'll go ahead and post about a few of my experiences.

 

I have been rejected directly and explicitly once, when I pursued a guy. (He had actually been a good friend and even given me green lights in the then-recent past... but it's a long, messed-up story. x]) It really doesn't just happen to men. It happens to anyone who pursues. Men just directly pursue more, so maybe the rejections they get are more obvious.

 

I have also been rejected subtly a few times. On a few occasions, with guys I met through online dating, I went on a date or two, and a few days later after the last date with the guy I found their Facebook relationship status set to "in a relationship"... and of course, it wasn't referring to me. I never heard another word from them. (Let me tell you, that stings.)

 

Also, just today, I was "rejected" when a guy in my class to whom I sent signals of interest ignored my signals and instead pursued another cute classmate. He showed no interest in talking to me, preferring to talk to her, and asked her today for her full name so he could add her on Facebook. This was a clear rejection toward me, because it shows that he has little to no interest in me. One could argue that I wasn't direct enough with my interest and maybe he didn't notice. However, I believe I saw signs that my signals were noticed, and after the Facebook exchange today, the girl was clearly scoping for my reaction. Anyway, even if he didn't think of it as a rejection and categorized me as a back-up option, I will not accept any future advances from him. I'm no longer interested.

 

With one guy, also met through online dating, he and I also went on a few dates, and it just ended because neither of us called the other. I don't know what would have happened if I had worked to keep it going, but after those dates I just didn't think things would work out. He was eight years older than me, a long drive from my home, and didn't seem like he was interested in anything serious.

 

In my opinion, there are many ways to reject someone romantically. It comes in many forms. It can be a loud, public humiliation; a tactful, private refusal; or in between. It can be done simply by ignoring an interested person. When we break up with someone, that is also a form of rejection.

 

Rejection is a part of life, and we can't change that, but what we can change is our mind-set regarding rejection. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is tough to go through. However, we don't have to let it get us down (well, at least for overly-extended periods). It helps to approach it from a positive perspective. One could think of it as the rejecter doing him or her a favor. I mean, really-- we all want to find someone who really likes us. When someone eliminates themselves from our choices, it frees us to meet someone else who is really into us. There's a world of opportunity out there. Rejection can even be a motivating factor to improve ourselves. That's my view on it.

[GooseChaser]

You said that you didn't intend to reject the women when you didn't call them. However, I'd say that if they view it as a rejection, for them it will be. Simple as that. Really, there's no way to know what they were thinking in that regard, so we can only speculate. They may have also had low interest or decided they weren't ready for a relationship for whatever reason (being too busy, wanting to be single for the time being, etc.).

 

As I said earlier, I think some women-- not all-- expect the man to call or set up a future date, or they will take it as a rejection. Some of these aforementioned women will start to share the responsibility for things like this as the relationship becomes more established, while others will still want you to be the one to call. A good question to ask yourself is, which are you looking for? If you don't mind whether you are the caller most of the time or not, then go for it. If you want someone who is willing to do some calling, look for that.

 

EDIT: To clarify about paragraph 4 of my previous post (#12), I didn't just send signals today. I had been showing interest throughout this spring semester. I was just re-reading my post and realized it could be misinterpreted. Sorry for any confusion.

Edited February 23, 2011 by GooseChaser

[Stung]

Simple answer: yes. Many, albeit not all, women who have gone on a date with a man will expect him to make the next move, the followup call. If that doesn't happen, those women perceive themselves as being rejected.