Kate Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 I need some serious emotional advice. I am with a great guy. We stared off as friends who were physical, but I was comfortable because he was a good friend and not the type to take advantage of that. Things have progressed beautifully, and I think I have ruined everything. I have emotional issues in relationships. I had an emotionally abusive mother who made me feel awful my whole life. I think I have overcome a lot of that though...I have tall, beautiful, smart, life of the party...NOT the type of person you would EVER expect to feel like this deep down. I feel like I am hiding a deep dirty secret: I am sickeningly insecure in romantic relationships. I have falled head over heals for this guy because he is the best. Things are progressing slowly but greatly. We had not said "I love you" but he just left a relationship one month prior to dating me and they were togheter 4 years. My problem is this: For the 3rd time in 3 months, I have COMPLETELY overreacted to him. Last night I was drunk and I was hysterical because he wanted to stay with his friends to hang out. I insisted that he was sick of me and making me feel like a fool. He didn't do anything. I am leaving out a LOT of details, but basically it consisted of my running him in circles for hours, when all he wanted to do is sleep. One of the things he LIKED about us is that we were such good friends, everything was so easy...or so he thought. I can't handle rejection, can't afford therapy and don't know what to do. I feel that this 3rd episode could be the one where he kicks me to the curb. He has tried his best to be good to me but it's never enough for me. I always take things personally and can't get past the fact that it's not me....I am making a fool out of myself. I embarrased the **** out of myself and made myself look like a pathetic insecure fool. PLEASE help -- WHAT can I do to redeem myself? Is there anything? I don't even know what I was fighting over with him last night, other than the fact that I wanted him to hang out with me and he had other plans. Why the hell can't i handle that? HELP. I don't want to lose this and I fear I will. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 Q: Why the hell can't i handle that? A: I don't want to lose this and I fear I will. You took his desire to go out without you as rejection and overreacted. There is a lot of free counselling available through churches and clinics. You can also try some books (one suggestion below) but because of your past, you may need help to overcome your problems. If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Carl G. Hindy (Author) Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 I agree with trying to find the counseling, it is out there (no or low cost) if you look for it. And you might try telling your boyfriend what you have shared with us. It would probably help a lot if he knew what was really going on... and the out bursts wouldn't completely take him by surprise. I wish you tons of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Posted March 27, 2004 Author Share Posted March 27, 2004 thanks for the advice -- i will definitely look up that book. at least i know in my gut that I need some fixing. he is confused about our relationship, obviously because of my insecurities. in the meantime, when i can't get "help" right away, do you have any suggestions as to how to deal with this in my head? he is the best catch i have ever had. do you think that this last outburst did it for good? i am good at communicating with him and being honest....however i keep repeating the hard lesson of learning that my insecurities do not equal him being mean to me. how many times do i have to learn, though? is there ANYTHING i can say to him besides the truth? do you know anything about someone who is loved, but somehow it is never enough?? i can't lose this man. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 You have to use self-soothing. When you feel yourself starting to get worked up, take some deep breaths and remember to question your assumptions. Some people wear rubber bands and snap them to remind themselves of things. Others wear some sort of other reminder like a bracelet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 it's like i have no "gage" to decipher what i need, deserve, etc. all my life i have been told i was wrong...so i don't know when i am right, either!! most of the time, at least. how do i know if he should be giving me more attention? or if he is disrespecting me? or if i am rediculous? does anyone have any suggestions to use as sort of a measuring cup to know when to push it and when not to? i'm worried that if i just sit back and relax, and never say anything, i will NEVER get what i want!! i don't know how to communicate what i want effectively...it always turns into a huge thing that i later regret. like all day yesterday and last night. i am so confused. like how do i know if i am being "taken for" or just paranoid?????? Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Quick tips to cool off when you are flipping out: Write in a journal. Write everything that comes to mind as fast as you can, messy as it has to be, just scrach it out, all the anger/hate/rejection/insecurities. Then, when/if that has helped cool you off, write all the positive things about him, things you like about him, why you are even going through this to be with him. It helps....trust me. I used to have major emotional issues (we must have the same mother, egad!) until I took about 3 years off completely from dating men. That gave me time to build up my self-esteem, become MUCH more independant than I was, and also to read lots of relationship books to help me understand why I was doing the things I was when I was with a guy. I still write in a journal when the insecurities creep in. A good book to read during heated feelings: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus OR Mars and Venus on Dating.It explains a lot of things that men do that us women misinterpret as "rejecting us" and has helped me a lot. I am currently in an awesome relationship and it feels SO GOOD not to be flipping out any longer over situations. Also, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love" is a good one to help you keep focused on what is going RIGHT in your relationship which can help push away the pettiniess of not getting your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 thank you -- i do keep a journal, and have been writing in it. i am very independent with everything else i do, and that is why men are very attracted to me...however at about the 3 month mark, i start to go nuts. i suppose i have to focus on the fact that my guy is a good guy all around, not about my stupid needs. unless he is totally invading my space, i need to blow it off. it doesn't help though when i am overly-emotional and he is poker-faced emotional ... he just doesn't need any help with it. maybe he is too stable?? this is why i am attracted to him. by the way, i thought i had FINALLY found a relationship where i was mature, wouldn't flip out, etc. but it is also difficult timing -- he JUST broke up with a girlfriend who he was with for 4 years, about one month prior to dating me. and, we were friend for 3 years and i even gave him helpful relationship advice during his last relationship! i'm sure he is taken by suprise at my actions...and scared...they were totally irrational...but i am angry and upset because i just feel like i am putting out more emotion than he is...and i am beating him to things, instead. have you felt ever that no matter how great the guy, it JUST WASN'T ENOUGH? Like no matter what they did, it never made you feel satisfied? I don't get it -- in all other aspects of my life i am so strong, smart and stable! relationships are my ONLY pitfall in this respect...please, help, any other advice?? what about your mother? how much did you learn from that aspect of your life? my mother is an emotional wreck, undiagnosed bipolar/manic depressive. i am the clown, always seeing the light, making people laugh, witty, smart, driven...all things opposite to her -- until i get into a relationship. also i have another question: i haven't heard from him since the huge embarassing blowout that occurred friday night into sat. morning...and he worked all day yesterrday...do you think i should even answer the phone if it is him?? it seems to me i need to do some serious thinking about my own issues until i talk to him again. i also shouldn't have to spill my guts about everything to him, though he knows first hand about my mom and that it kills me...and can't believe i haven't gone crazy...except now i have! anyhow, maybe i should just stay low-key and not return his calls, if / when he does? do you have any experience with an extremely stable man who you love, and were friends with before, and you have flipped out on like this? if so, what was his reaction after about the 3rd or 4th time you did it?? do you think that there is any hope he will stick around?? please, i appreciate your advice so much. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Have you apologized - profusely - for the blowout? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 no, not yet -- i think it best i WAIT for him to contact me...that means i am respecting his space after the blowout...in fact, i missed his call about 45 min. ago. i don't want to call him back though, not to play a game or be mean, but he should not feel in any way that i am living only for this relationship. i would like to wait for him to contact me again -- and when he does, apologize for my actions, and note that there are a few things going on under the surface which is the only reason it even happened. then i will ask to meet in person. over the phone is not a good thing. i am just SO scared he wants to call it quits with me. he has not come from a psycho upbringing where things like this were totally normal and happened all the time. sometimes i forget that the rest of the world does not operate on a hysterical level. i'm telling you, i have been SOOOO level headed with him in the past, this may be such a shock and scare for him that he doesn't know what to do. i'm sure that he just contacted me to be polite and that deep down he hopes i don't call back...for a few days...what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 just a good observation: Many people unknowingly enter relationships in an effort to balance themselves. The thinking might be "I am so emotional, I need someone who can even that part of me out" and therefore, select a partner who is exactly the opposite. Later, the emotional person begins to feel empty inside dealing with the overly controlled, non-emotional partner who is unable to respond to his or her emotional needs. And the non-emotionally responsive partner winds up exhausted trying to cope with the emotional ups-and-downs. The very thing that attracted these two people in the beginning becomes the source of problems later in the relationship and the cause of heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 no, not yet -- i think it best i WAIT for him to contact me...that means i am respecting his space after the blowout...in fact, i missed his call about 45 min. ago. i don't want to call him back though, not to play a game or be mean, but he should not feel in any way that i am living only for this relationship. i would like to wait for him to contact me again -- and when he does, apologize for my actions, 1. You were in the wrong and should have apologized immediately. This is not playing games, it's basic decency. 2. You not calling him in the first place and now not calling him back IS playing games. You were wrong to blow up at him and you need to rectify that fast. If he had posted to say that he had a gf that did what you did, we'd tell him to dump her, particularly if she didn't even apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 here i go again...thinking i am not playing games, when, in effect, i am. i need to communicate immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
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