Are most cheaters sociopaths?

[neveragain1]

Exactly. Who wants to hang out with bad people? I'm not going down with someone if they want to be idiots.

 

yup. if a group of girls sees a couple of player bad boy jackasses, they probably aren't gonna be too jazzed about me either.

[silktricks]

So are you 2 saying that you'd never associate with anyone who has ever cheated? I'm not talking ongoing cheating, but someone who has cheated at some time in the past...???

[JaneyAmazed]

I don't know if it is holier than thou or just another way to dismiss those who don't want to be involved with people who are wanting to continue to cheat. I wouldn't dismiss a friend who cheated and then turned away from it. I have and will do it again if my friend insists on living in a state of cheating(long term affair partner) I am a supporter of healthy marriages and I don't believe in supporting anyone who is a third party in a marriage. Friends, family, or other. I have seen the results my whole life of affairs. If I can't trust you, respect you or support you...there is no reason for us to have a relationship at all.

 

I can love you and pray for you from a distance. My mom always said if you lay with dogs you are bound to get up with fleas. She told this to me in reference to a friend that I used to have was a into drugs heavily. I loved her but I couldn't trust her or the people she would bring around my children. For me the old wives' tale can apply to a number of things. My youngest brother brought his new girlfriend to Thanksgiving before he was divorced. He was instructed that she was welcome to stay for dinner, but would not be allowed to spend the night. He was pissed at my mom, but she stood her ground and they left. My mom said it wasn't proper to show that to her grand kids and I agree.

 

If you pull yourself together and you still want to be friends I am here. If not....I am good. Our friendship was just for the season that it existed.

 

 

This reminds me of a guy I dated before I was married. He got caught stealing a couple of times and I found out he was also selling drugs. When I confronted him about it, he said he was going to get "help" for his problem by joining the army. Then he needed my support and asked me to stay with him while he gets better. I told him to get better, then call me to see if I'm still available. It's only funny because it wasn't a serious relationship. We just dated a few times. I was not going down that road. Not long after that, I met my H and realized the difference in a real man and a boy.

[carhill]

I think it's reasonable for someone to have cheating in the past as a dealbreaker for a serious long-term relationship or marriage. Of course, those who cheat and never disclose nor are discovered are exempt from this dynamic, so I can see the advantages to discretion (not disclosing nor getting caught) and/or lying, as it widens one's field of potentials.

 

After reading the thread, I think I would align more with narcissism than sociopathy as being descriptive, especially wrt to serial cheating, in all but the most extreme of cases. How the person interacts socially in the wider sense (family/work/friends, etc.) would likely be determinative.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes. I said that before already. Is that a problem?

 

Unless these people have facial tattoos, I don't see how you'd know.

[carhill]

One potential is, if the person resided in an at-fault state, it's possible a docket could exist for divorce due to the fault of infidelity.

[carhill]

Also, surprisingly, most of the stories of infidelity which I've heard have come right out of the mouths of the people who did it. Most of those people happened to be women, some of whom have been anecdotes in my postings here. YMMV.

[wheelwright]

This is true CIF some of us do get past it. For better or worse...right?

 

I do understand that A's are dealbreakers to some people, others not. I don't have a problem with either stance.

 

This world is not all black or white to everyone.

 

I like what you say. This thread seemed so dark before this more mellow view.

 

I don't believe in the earlier posts which stated that some WSs decide to generalise and therefore absolve their guilt.

 

I just believe that comments which negatively condemn an other person's morality should be transferable and generalisable if they are are more than an anecdote.

 

It is easy to find fault - you may seem near perfect - but be careful the fault you find isn't something you are also guilty of. Go on, extrapolate.

 

Some things feel bad just because they happened to you. not because they are more bad than things you have done.

 

Anyway, judging others as opposed to understanding them is a recipe for conflict. So I guess the people here who do that are into the fight.

[Silly_Girl]

Well I have known them for a long time so I'd know if they did something wrong, thank you.

 

Excellent. Can you pass the tips on to those of us who've been cheated on? There's quite a few on this board and having known someone a long time didn't seem to stop us from being fooled. Even living in the same house and having regular sex together.

[ladydesigner]

I like what you say. This thread seemed so dark before this more mellow view.

 

I don't believe in the earlier posts which stated that some WSs decide to generalise and therefore absolve their guilt.

 

I just believe that comments which negatively condemn an other person's morality should be transferable and generalisable if they are are more than an anecdote.

 

It is easy to find fault - you may seem near perfect - but be careful the fault you find isn't something you are also guilty of. Go on, extrapolate.

 

Some things feel bad just because they happened to you. not because they are more bad than things you have done.

 

Anyway, judging others as opposed to understanding them is a recipe for conflict. So I guess the people here who do that are into the fight.

 

Thank You WW. I have always enjoyed and related to your posts.

 

It's a good thing we are still not living in the 1600's or we'd be burned at the stakes:D

 

Or even better wearing the Scarlett Letter.

[bentnotbroken]

I like what you say. This thread seemed so dark before this more mellow view.

 

I don't believe in the earlier posts which stated that some WSs decide to generalise and therefore absolve their guilt.

 

I just believe that comments which negatively condemn an other person's morality should be transferable and generalisable if they are are more than an anecdote.

 

It is easy to find fault - you may seem near perfect - but be careful the fault you find isn't something you are also guilty of. Go on, extrapolate.

 

Some things feel bad just because they happened to you. not because they are more bad than things you have done.

 

Anyway, judging others as opposed to understanding them is a recipe for conflict. So I guess the people here who do that are into the fight.

 

 

I don't mind fighting for my beliefs and my right to state them. Just as others have the right to do what they did in deciding to have an affair by making judgements on the spouse the of their AP(she didn't really love him or he was abusive) and judgements on their own spouses for not doing what they need. You found fault with your own spouse and your AP spouse. Did either of you look at yourselves to figure out what you did/didn't do as good spouses?

 

So while you negatively condemned his wife...welcome to the other club.

[neveragain1]

So are you 2 saying that you'd never associate with anyone who has ever cheated? I'm not talking ongoing cheating, but someone who has cheated at some time in the past...???

 

pretty much, and if I did, I wouldn't be too thrilled about associating with them.

 

just like a woman here at work. I'll talk to her, be cordial, but I wouldn't really want to be part of a circle of friends she would be involved with. And if I was, and she was the only weak link, I would avoid interaction with her as much as possible.

[neveragain1]

Unless these people have facial tattoos, I don't see how you'd know.

 

its irrelevant if we know. its just the chance we have to take until we DO know.

[wheelwright]

I don't mind fighting for my beliefs and my right to state them. Just as others have the right to do what they did in deciding to have an affair by making judgements on the spouse the of their AP(she didn't really love him or he was abusive) and judgements on their own spouses for not doing what they need. You found fault with your own spouse and your AP spouse. Did either of you look at yourselves to figure out what you did/didn't do as good spouses?

 

So while you negatively condemned his wife...welcome to the other club.

 

I never negatively condemned xMOM's W. She did say to me, and I can quote,

 

'I don't love him. I never loved him. It was just right place right time'

 

But then after DDay she said to me

 

'I've always loved him. I don't care how f***** up you are, p*** off and leave us alone.'

 

I made my judgements on their M in good faith. I hear to this day there is no passion in their M nor ever was.

 

I also hear, and heard from him too, he 'thinks an awful lot of her'

 

I looked at me during the A. I saw myself as beautiful and attractive in a way I hadn't before. His eyes in mine. I have reflected on that and wondered if I must be evil to have those feelings.

 

I looked at him too.

 

I really don't like that we hurt people. But I felt and loved and f***** in a way I never knew happened IRL.

 

And I don't feel bad anymore, no matter what I hear or am told about how heinous the crimes of the WS. Because that little piece of love as real and raw and true as it was, is part of me. And I am glad it happened.

 

His BS was someone who could, at a certain point in their R, could say she didn't love her H.

 

And similarly he stated to my H he didn't love me.

 

I at least know how I felt. It doesn't change when people talk to me about fog or the way I am behaving badly or etc.

[pureinheart]

Are most AP's sociopaths? No. Are most bs's sociopaths? After this thread and others, I'm convinced they are.

Edited March 6, 2011 by pureinheart

[seren]

To label someone a sociopath, you would have to understand the traits sociopathic people display - from what I have read, worked with and studied, I see very few people on this site and IRl who are true sociopaths.

 

There are bits of the sociopathic personality in all of us, as in general headings, but when, or if you have spent some time with someone who is diagnosed as such, you would come away knowing the difference.

[bentnotbroken]

To label someone a sociopath, you would have to understand the traits sociopathic people display - from what I have read, worked with and studied, I see very few people on this site and IRl who are true sociopaths.

 

There are bits of the sociopathic personality in all of us, as in general headings, but when, or if you have spent some time with someone who is diagnosed as such, you would come away knowing the difference.

 

 

Excellent post.

[bentnotbroken]

I never negatively condemned xMOM's W. She did say to me, and I can quote,

 

'I don't love him. I never loved him. It was just right place right time'

 

But then after DDay she said to me

 

'I've always loved him. I don't care how f***** up you are, p*** off and leave us alone.'

 

I made my judgements on their M in good faith. I hear to this day there is no passion in their M nor ever was.

 

I also hear, and heard from him too, he 'thinks an awful lot of her'

 

I looked at me during the A. I saw myself as beautiful and attractive in a way I hadn't before. His eyes in mine. I have reflected on that and wondered if I must be evil to have those feelings.

 

I looked at him too.

 

I really don't like that we hurt people. But I felt and loved and f***** in a way I never knew happened IRL.

 

And I don't feel bad anymore, no matter what I hear or am told about how heinous the crimes of the WS. Because that little piece of love as real and raw and true as it was, is part of me. And I am glad it happened.

 

His BS was someone who could, at a certain point in their R, could say she didn't love her H.

 

And similarly he stated to my H he didn't love me.

 

I at least know how I felt. It doesn't change when people talk to me about fog or the way I am behaving badly or etc.

 

 

And I am sure judgements made about you were in the mind of the person making them in...made in "good faith". All comes down to what lens you are looking through. For you to even be entertaining "what you hear" is a little strange. But because you felt love for him it is okay right?

[Foolintherain]

A thread on Infidelity is obviously going to be a sounding board for those have been emotionally devastated.

 

I don't think it wise to label people or judge them. Thats just my opinion.

 

Its natural for some to carry the mental story of portraying themselves as a victim. If you watch your mind you may some actual enjoyment of the whole drama.

[WorldIsYours]

I never negatively condemned xMOM's W. She did say to me, and I can quote,

 

'I don't love him. I never loved him. It was just right place right time'

 

But then after DDay she said to me

 

'I've always loved him. I don't care how f***** up you are, p*** off and leave us alone.'

 

I made my judgements on their M in good faith. I hear to this day there is no passion in their M nor ever was.

 

I also hear, and heard from him too, he 'thinks an awful lot of her'

 

I looked at me during the A. I saw myself as beautiful and attractive in a way I hadn't before. His eyes in mine. I have reflected on that and wondered if I must be evil to have those feelings.

 

I looked at him too.

 

I really don't like that we hurt people. But I felt and loved and f***** in a way I never knew happened IRL.

 

And I don't feel bad anymore, no matter what I hear or am told about how heinous the crimes of the WS. Because that little piece of love as real and raw and true as it was, is part of me. And I am glad it happened.

 

His BS was someone who could, at a certain point in their R, could say she didn't love her H.

 

And similarly he stated to my H he didn't love me.

 

I at least know how I felt. It doesn't change when people talk to me about fog or the way I am behaving badly or etc.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting your husband with this line of thinking and behavior.

[neveragain1]

Are most AP's sociopaths? No. Are most bs's sociopaths? After this thread and others, I'm convinced they are.

 

do you even know the definition of a sociopath?

 

hey, if you want to call us that have been betrayed by people that don't care who they hurt sociopaths, fine by me. we know the truth

 

but most AP's ARE sociopaths by definition. they don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.

[BB07]

To label someone a sociopath, you would have to understand the traits sociopathic people display - from what I have read, worked with and studied, I see very few people on this site and IRl who are true sociopaths.

 

There are bits of the sociopathic personality in all of us, as in general headings, but when, or if you have spent some time with someone who is diagnosed as such, you would come away knowing the difference.

 

I think Seren got it right......the best definition and the most accurate.

[wheelwright]

And I am sure judgements made about you were in the mind of the person making them in...made in "good faith". All comes down to what lens you are looking through. For you to even be entertaining "what you hear" is a little strange. But because you felt love for him it is okay right?

 

TBH Bent I don't know a lot, so I am working on what I have.

 

Yes it's Ok to feel love and not feel bad about it. It took me a while on LS to work that out. Whatever the circumstances. Love is OK.

 

I have two lines about it. The passion and the diplomatic.

 

The passion says that there is no better love and that I deserve my share of the cake, since it was finally offered.

 

Since I finally loved without reservation, shouldn't it be that he loves me? That he wants that one thing.

 

The diplomatic says that wherever their hearts take them they have already decided their life path. That they have used me - surely they did when they worked out they wanted to stay with their BS?

 

Not nice to be used. Not easy to be the heartbroken other on someone's life's path.

 

Hey ho.

[dreamingoftigers]

TBH Bent I don't know a lot, so I am working on what I have.

 

Yes it's Ok to feel love and not feel bad about it. It took me a while on LS to work that out. Whatever the circumstances. Love is OK.

 

I have two lines about it. The passion and the diplomatic.

 

The passion says that there is no better love and that I deserve my share of the cake, since it was finally offered.

 

Since I finally loved without reservation, shouldn't it be that he loves me? That he wants that one thing.

 

The diplomatic says that wherever their hearts take them they have already

decided their life path. That they have used me - surely they did when they worked out they wanted to stay with their BS?

 

Not nice to be used. Not easy to be the heartbroken other on someone's life's path.

 

Hey ho.

 

Do not think that this is an attack in any way, shape, or form, but often it does sound like you relationships and feelings picked you up like great tides and swept you away.

 

Like somehow you got swept into a marriage, the feelings got swept from the marriage, a married OM swept you away, the feelings and experiences swept you away some more and they still do, and then dropped you back into the

relationship with your H. Which it appears that you are not as fond of, but that is where the tide took you.

 

A serious question: do you believe that your life and relationships were somewhat given to you, or decided for you in a way?

 

Of course let me know if details/timeline are wrong, I haven't resolutely followed your story, just posts here and there.

[WorldIsYours]

Do not think that this is an attack in any way, shape, or form, but often it does sound like you relationships and feelings picked you up like great tides and swept you away.

 

Like somehow you got swept into a marriage, the feelings got swept from the marriage, a married OM swept you away, the feelings and experiences swept you away some more and they still do, and then dropped you back into the

relationship with your H. Which it appears that you are not as fond of, but that is where the tide took you.

 

A serious question: do you believe that your life and relationships were somewhat given to you, or decided for you in a way?

 

Of course let me know if details/timeline are wrong, I haven't resolutely followed your story, just posts here and there.

 

She wasn't swept away by anything. She knew what she was doing. Nobody forced her.