bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 EXACTLY.....This is exactly how marriages stick together after any major disaster in the relationship (infidelity or otherwise). BOTH parties take blame for their contribution in what's happened. It's not always just ONE person's fault. There are those out there that are big enough people to admit "Hey, I was a shi&&y husband - or a bitchy wife - no wonder we got into the position we're in" Now for those Perfect Spouses who were cheated on...Obviously we're all very sorry that you were cheated on. But there are those out there that KNOW their role & what they did to bring the marriage down. I recognize the bolded statement is a dig at people who won't take responsibility for their spouses affair, so I will be presumptuous enough to speak for them. Contributing to the problems in the marriage aren't the same thing as contributing to the cheating and consequences that come from cheating. Cheating add to already bad marital problems by using the play ground mentality of "so in so did such and such to me first" :sick:That's crap and it will always be crap no matter how it is dressed up. You can put diamonds on a pile of crap. It will still look, smell and attract flies like a pile of crap. My imperfect role as a wife is all on me. But the mess of cheating and divorce are all his to own and wallow in. There are people in crappy marriages everyday who don't cheat but go on to divorce or fix their bad situations. It isn't easy but doable.
confusedinkansas Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I recognize the bolded statement is a dig at people who won't take responsibility Not a dig at all. I truly do feel bad for those that have been hit hard with this. I'm sure that there are folks out there that are good people & acted appropriately 100% of the time in their marriages. But since you brought it up - There are probably those out there that acted deplorible in their relationships & still stand by "I've Done Nothing Wrong" "There's Nothing Wrong With Our Marriage-or Me" - This was my husband's initial reaction when I tried to talk with him about our relationship. Cheating add to already bad marital problems by using the play ground mentality of "so in so did such and such to me first" :sick:That's crap and it will always be crap no matter how it is dressed up. You can put diamonds on a pile of crap. It will still look, smell and attract flies like a pile of crap. I agree with this. It's not a good "Solution" to an already bad situation. However, -in my situation-, the affair did help me keep my sanity. I'd have been on all kinds of drugs & probably checked into a mental hospital if I'd have tried to deal with my husbands issues - The affair gave me someone to have as a sounding board, an escape. But the mess of cheating and divorce are all his to own and wallow in. As all of us who have been there. We live with what we did every single day. Not an easy task & yes we did bring it on ourselves & it gets easier over time to forgive ourselves. Back to the main topic of Psychopaths........See, not exactly the thinking of someone that would be diagnosed as a psychopath....
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 EXACTLY.....This is exactly how marriages stick together after any major disaster in the relationship (infidelity or otherwise). BOTH parties take blame for their contribution in what's happened. It's not always just ONE person's fault. There are those out there that are big enough people to admit "Hey, I was a shi&&y husband - or a bitchy wife - no wonder we got into the position we're in" When someone cheats, yes it's just one person's fault. It's not both people's fault all the time regarding marital issues. Some spouses were actually being good to their selfish spouse and they still got cheated on. Now for those Perfect Spouses who were cheated on...Obviously we're all very sorry that you were cheated on. Then why keep saying it's still their fault for their spouse cheating? But there are those out there that KNOW their role & what they did to bring the marriage down. Nope. Regardless they didn't deserve to be cheated on.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 But since you brought it up - There are probably those out there that acted deplorible in their relationships & still stand by "I've Done Nothing Wrong" "There's Nothing Wrong With Our Marriage-or Me" - Then that spouse who has a problem should go to biased counseling, separation, or divorce. It's not rocket science. This was my husband's initial reaction when I tried to talk with him about our relationship. Did you try counseling, separation, or divorce? Nope. However, -in my situation-, the affair did help me keep my sanity. And you wonder why BSs are so "bitter.":rolleyes: I'd have been on all kinds of drugs & probably checked into a mental hospital if I'd have tried to deal with my husbands issues - The affair gave me someone to have as a sounding board, an escape. Divorce should've been your escape route, not lying and cheating on your husband. If you still think that was your sounding board maybe you should reconsider being married. As all of us who have been there. We live with what we did every single day. Not an easy task & yes we did bring it on ourselves & it gets easier over time to forgive ourselves. To forgive oneself for cheating everytime they cheat? That's more like justifying themselves everytime they cheat. Back to the main topic of Psychopaths........See, not exactly the thinking of someone that would be diagnosed as a psychopath.... Someone who cheats shows mental issues.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Having been a player prior to my marriage, I quickly wanted to get back into dating again. A month after our breakup I had an affair with the wife of an associate OM, my neighbor. For some reason this turned me on toward married women. I was shocked to find out how easy it was, once I turned my player skills toward married women. It came as a shock to find out how easy it was to seduce them. In this case I worked with them, and all I had to do was talk to them. They were starving for a man to talk to them and let them tell me about their lives. They were starving for a man to notice that they had changed the cut of the hair, etc. They were starving for attention, at home they saw their lives as a maid, who took care of the kids, cooked and cleaned house. While I had to woo a single woman, take her to dinner, movie or event. With MW all I had to do was pay attention to them, dance with, tell them how great they looked. Their husbands were so into their own lives, golf, race cars, it was easy for them to slip away on the weekend for a couple of hours hotel fun.
neveragain1 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Not a dig at all. I truly do feel bad for those that have been hit hard with this. . oh bull. thats why you put that little dig in about being "Perfect Spouses"
neveragain1 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Why are all BS so moral, integrity filled and good. Surely some must DBags and lack integrity. I'm sure SOME do. As opposed to ALL cheaters.
jlola Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 My father is seriously crazy. He terrorized the family,beat us all, cheated on my mother numerous times with romantic and sexual affairs. One affair was with her best friend. He is SATAN. Seriously. But my mother never had an affair! And had she chosen to I would I lost all respect for her if that is how she chose to cope with a husband who was beyond deplorable. I would have had respect if she had chosen to LEAVE! That is what you do if your spouse is so horrible. And I still cannot wrap my head around why she has stayed with such a horrible human being. No one says you have to be a martyr and stay with a horrible spouse who disrespects you and treats you badly. So IF that' s what you choose to do, understand two wrongs do not make a right. Yeah, my spouse is horrible but I will stay and cheat so my marriage stays intact. Well, your spouse finds out your marriage may not stay intact. Now you have just added more drama and heartache to the whole situation. Not to mention having children now view youy wth disrespect. Is it really that worth it to hang in there in a bad marriage and cheat when the consequences are so much worse?
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Is it really that worth it to hang in there in a bad marriage and cheat when the consequences are so much worse? Really good question. You nailed it on the spot. These cheaters/OM/OW try to sound so civil and end up looking like fools. If the marriage is bad, get out of it and find someone better instead of risking folk's lives. But no, instead it's "I couldn't leave! If I left I would've lost everything! So I cheated for 2 years and got pregnant by OM to keep my sanity!"
StoneCold Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 My imperfect role as a wife is all on me. But the mess of cheating and divorce are all his to own and wallow in. There are people in crappy marriages everyday who don't cheat but go on to divorce or fix their bad situations. It isn't easy but doable. Ok correct me if I'm wrong but I take it that you were a poor wife because you were abusive? Assuming that, you really think that the fact that you were an abusive spouse had absolutely nothing to do with your divorce? Again.. I'm not clear on your situation but based on the way I understand it....I really dont know about your conclusions about whos responsible for your divorce
OWoman Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Why are all BS so moral, integrity filled and good. Surely some must DBags and lack integrity. My H's xW fits that bill - no integrity, though that was fine for her but not for anyone else...
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 My H's xW fits that bill - no integrity, though that was fine for her but not for anyone else... No morals because she got cheated on.
OWoman Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 No morals because she got cheated on. Maybe she got cheated on because she had no morals! She didn't consider it a problem when she had an A, driving her then-H to a nervous breakdown through the way she messed him around at the time. Yet when it happened to her, well, that wasn't quite so OK - because she was on the receiving end.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Maybe she got cheated on because she had no morals! Seems the ex who cheated on her had no morals either. She didn't consider it a problem when she had an A, driving her then-H to a nervous breakdown through the way she messed him around at the time. Yet when it happened to her, well, that wasn't quite so OK - because she was on the receiving end. Well her ex made himself look like a fool also. Instead of just divorcing after she cheated he participated in the same thing that damaged him, as if that makes the problems go away.
OWoman Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Well her ex made himself look like a fool also. Instead of just divorcing after she cheated he participated in the same thing that damaged him, as if that makes the problems go away. Different person. She cheated on her first H. Her second H returned the favour - the difference being that she'd made it clear from the outset that she wasn't big on marital fidelity, so he wasn't exactly betraying any expectation on her part.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Different person. She cheated on her first H. Her second H returned the favour - the difference being that she'd made it clear from the outset that she wasn't big on marital fidelity, so he wasn't exactly betraying any expectation on her part. So she wanted an open marriage? Story sounds worse with each piece of info you give me.
confusedinkansas Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 oh bull. thats why you put that little dig in about being "Perfect Spouses" You can cry Oh Bull all day long. You're reading WAY more into it. I do realize that there are still good people in this world that don't deserve what's delt to them. I do feel bad for them. Did you try counseling, separation, or divorce? Nope. Gee...mind read much? Not sure where you get the NOPE from..... Counseling - Yes. Didn't work. Too much hooie going on in the sessions. Bad counselor. Separation? YES...but it was 2 years later & had nothing to do with the infidelity. And...as I have said before. Divorce was not an option. I know it's hard for some of you to swallow - but there are folks out there that JUST CAN'T DIVORCE. NO MATTER WHAT! There are situations & reasons only the couple knows. Not for the general public or their friends to have knowledge of. I will still never understand here how it is that the CHEATER is ALWAYS & FOREVER (even YEARS after the affair happened) viewed as a horrible person who should be stoned. WE know what we did. WE are NOT horrible people. WE are good people, upstanding citizens, fathers & mothers etc. WE do get past this & are better for it ...........& sometimes....I know this will be a shock to some .....SO DO OUR SPOUSES. It happens people.
ladydesigner Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 You can cry Oh Bull all day long. You're reading WAY more into it. I do realize that there are still good people in this world that don't deserve what's delt to them. I do feel bad for them. Gee...mind read much? Not sure where you get the NOPE from..... Counseling - Yes. Didn't work. Too much hooie going on in the sessions. Bad counselor. Separation? YES...but it was 2 years later & had nothing to do with the infidelity. And...as I have said before. Divorce was not an option. I know it's hard for some of you to swallow - but there are folks out there that JUST CAN'T DIVORCE. NO MATTER WHAT! There are situations & reasons only the couple knows. Not for the general public or their friends to have knowledge of. I will still never understand here how it is that the CHEATER is ALWAYS & FOREVER (even YEARS after the affair happened) viewed as a horrible person who should be stoned. WE know what we did. WE are NOT horrible people. WE are good people, upstanding citizens, fathers & mothers etc. WE do get past this & are better for it ...........& sometimes....I know this will be a shock to some .....SO DO OUR SPOUSES. It happens people. This is true CIF some of us do get past it. For better or worse...right? I do understand that A's are dealbreakers to some people, others not. I don't have a problem with either stance. This world is not all black or white to everyone.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 You can cry Oh Bull all day long. You're reading WAY more into it. So are you. I do realize that there are still good people in this world that don't deserve what's delt to them. I do feel bad for them. Then why cheat at all? Gee...mind read much? Not sure where you get the NOPE from..... Counseling - Yes. Didn't work. Too much hooie going on in the sessions. Bad counselor. Separation? YES...but it was 2 years later & had nothing to do with the infidelity. And...as I have said before. Divorce was not an option. Divorce is an option. That's why it's called divorce. You weren't trapped so tightly that you had to cheat, or anyone else for that matter. I know it's hard for some of you to swallow - but there are folks out there that JUST CAN'T DIVORCE. NO MATTER WHAT! There are situations & reasons only the couple knows. Not for the general public or their friends to have knowledge of. Well we all know who "swallows." And it's not that they can't literally divorce, it's just that they refuse to. Nobody is trapped in a marriage unless they choose to be. I will still never understand here how it is that the CHEATER is ALWAYS & FOREVER (even YEARS after the affair happened) viewed as a horrible person who should be stoned. Who said anything about being stoned? Stop taking it out of context. WE know what we did. WE are NOT horrible people. WE are good people, upstanding citizens, fathers & mothers etc. Whether they're the richest and famous person on Earth, if they cheat that makes them bad and untrustworthy people. WE do get past this & are better for it ...........& sometimes....I know this will be a shock to some .....SO DO OUR SPOUSES. It happens people. Don't know if a cheater's spouse would believe that after they've been treated horribly, nor is it for better.
confusedinkansas Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Divorce is an option. That's why it's called divorce. You weren't trapped so tightly that you had to cheat, or anyone else for that matter. Since you don't know my situation - No, divorce was not an option. I don't recall ever saying I HAD to cheat. Whether they're the richest and famous person on Earth, if they cheat that makes them bad and untrustworthy people. And I see why some folks feel this way. It's not how everyone feels. Hell, Tiger Woods is a great man & amazing golfer. (just an example) He screwed around. Yep. I kinda wish he'd start screwing around again - at least he'd win a tournament again here & there. Folks like you that see the world as black & white PERIOD are the folks that scare me. There's too much gray around for tunnel vision.
Stateandbroadway Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 "Whether they're the richest and famous person on Earth, if they cheat that makes them BAD AND UNTRUSTWORTHY people." -------------------------------------------------------- Do you ask every babysitter you have if they've ever cheated? Do you ask each interview you go on wether the person has ever cheated. I hope you do. Because you wouldnt want to leave your kids with...or do business with anyone that has ever had an afair or cheated becasue they are BAD BAD people who obviously cannot be trusted. That must also mean none of your friends has ever cheated. And if this is true, how many friends do you have, because that's statistically incredible. Not one friend? Of course not, because why would you be friends with someone who has cheated? Someone who would knowingly be friends with someone they would describe as a bad person...well that would just be odd...right? And if you do find out that one of your friends has cheated you do of course tell them how bad they are and promptly defriend them.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Since you don't know my situation - No, divorce was not an option. I do know your situation and you always had the option and still do. I don't recall ever saying I HAD to cheat. Yet I recall you saying that it was an escape route. And I see why some folks feel this way. It's not how everyone feels. Not how who feels? Hell, Tiger Woods is a great man & amazing golfer. (just an example) He screwed around. Yep. HAHAHA! It's an example alright. Dude made a fool of himself and he's still taking a butt-whipping from the media and he feel off his game. He is NOT a great man just because he made a lot of money and beat almost every golfer in the world. With everything he did he not only trashed his marriage, but destroyed it with an atomic bomb. We can go on and on about this man but he's anything but great. Hurting his wife and family. What should've been the most important things in his life besides some golf club and him having following his urges to "put it in the hole.":laugh: I kinda wish he'd start screwing around again - at least he'd win a tournament again here & there. What an immature statement and you're supposed to be an elder. But then again I can honestly see why you'd think that way, no offense. Folks like you that see the world as black & white PERIOD are the folks that scare me. There's too much gray around for tunnel vision. Cheaters, OM/OW, and other highly-selfish personnel scare me. And I like my "tiny little view". It's what's kept me from being an immature adult and a cheater.
Distant78 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 "Whether they're the richest and famous person on Earth, if they cheat that makes them BAD AND UNTRUSTWORTHY people." -------------------------------------------------------- Do you ask every babysitter you have if they've ever cheated? Do you ask each interview you go on wether the person has ever cheated. I hope you do. Because you wouldnt want to leave your kids with...or do business with anyone that has ever had an afair or cheated becasue they are BAD BAD people who obviously cannot be trusted. You're going into semantics. Of course I won't be able to know everyone who cheated or not. That must also mean none of your friends has ever cheated. You're right. And I've known them a long time to know this. And if this is true, how many friends do you have, because that's statistically incredible. Not one friend? Of course not, because why would you be friends with someone who has cheated? Someone who would knowingly be friends with someone they would describe as a bad person...well that would just be odd...right? Yes it would be odd and freaking crazy to be friends with a cheater. Why wouldn't it be? You damn right I chose my friends wisely and I don't regret it. And if you do find out that one of your friends has cheated you do of course tell them how bad they are and promptly defriend them. You are so right, and they know I would and vice versa.
Stateandbroadway Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I recognize the bolded statement is a dig at people who won't take responsibility for their spouses affair, so I will be presumptuous enough to speak for them. Contributing to the problems in the marriage aren't the same thing as contributing to the cheating and consequences that come from cheating. Cheating add to already bad marital problems by using the play ground mentality of "so in so did such and such to me first" :sick:That's crap and it will always be crap no matter how it is dressed up. You can put diamonds on a pile of crap. It will still look, smell and attract flies like a pile of crap. My imperfect role as a wife is all on me. But the mess of cheating and divorce are all his to own and wallow in. There are people in crappy marriages everyday who don't cheat but go on to divorce or fix their bad situations. It isn't easy but doable. In some cases...yes the spouse must admit their role in the enviornment they either helped to create...OR CREATED in the marriage to compel someone who I presumed loved them at one time to completely check out, escape from, seek comfort in someone else. Not everyone who has an affair is screwing from sun up to sun down. There are people who have had an affair that lasted months and slept with the person twice. Does that sound like it's about sex??? If so... that's alot of talking for two rolls in the hay. It's fine if it's a dealbreaker....but then tell the whole story. Explain why it is that someone who once loved you can't stand you or is trying to escape the relationship. What is it that drove them away from you. Human being are not robots, we are thinking and emotional beings. We respond to treatment and those responses may sometimes be dealbreakers, but it dosnt stop the fact that we are relating and responding to one another. For all the BS that say No one made you unzip your pants. It is a clear choice. That's fine. I understand the logic that get's someone to say that. But do those same people admit the CHOICE they made when they were berating, and verbally abusing their spouse. The choice they made to drive the family into financial ruin. They sat around and planned it , just like cheaters sat around and planned from the beggining to break their spouses heart. These are CHOICES on both sides. Or do the BS not see their behavior as a choice. Of course not. All of a sudden it become "imperfect" or a "shortcoming" or "no one is perfect." No you made hold hard choices. Hold yourself to the exact same standard that you hold cheaters to.
neveragain1 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 LOL, well based on the posts from the resident OM/OW, and cheaters here, I can now go back to the original question in the thread and anwer: yes, most cheaters are sociopaths. along with their apologists and accessories to the crime.
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