East7 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Let me tell you which of the aunts had the affairs. The ones with the nicest husbands. The ones who I always thought to be selfish. My aunts with the a**whole husbands were the faithful ones. My mother who was getting none of her needs met by my cheating father never had an affair. I think most people who have affairs have above average naricissitic tendencies. it's all about THEM!!! takers onkly want what they cannot have. Thanks for illustrating my statements Also cheaters are often the one who dominate the relationship : the ones who make less efforts in the marriage and who want their spouse to be the one following and supporting them (Taker and Giver dynamics). Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Why did your mother stay with such an abusive man? to this day we all never know. Sheer stupidity? It must be. My father has NAP. He was also very physically abusive and verbally intimidating. But to his affair partners, he was gallant,sophisticated and perfect. People with narcissistic personalities tend to treat others outside immediate family very well. that is why the behavior is so confusing. I used to beg my mother to allow one of his mistresses to finally take him so they would finally get to see the "real person". Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks for illustrating my statements Also cheaters are often the one who dominate the relationship : the ones who make less efforts in the marriage and who want their spouse to be the one following and supporting them (Taker and Giver dynamics). True, my oldest sister(going on 5th marriage) married affair partner husband #2. both were married, both left spouse for each other. By the time they divorced a few years later they were BOTH telling the same story. Both cheated again on each other. Both were greedy, both were takers. The longer MP can carry out an affair behind partners back. The more they fall into taker catagory. Someone who accidentally gets involved but ends it quickly may have hope of being a person who just made a mistake. I sort of feel sorry for OW/OM who is single. They do not realize what they are getting into since cheaters can be very manipulative. Now two cheaters together I have no pity for. Karma will get them in the end. As for OWoman. If your husband was married to a nwoman with NPD I understand why the divorce. But why did he not leave if he was so unhappy? Like my mother it is beyond stupidity to stay with a person who has that personality disorder. You don't need an affair to convince you to leave. Their behavior is enough to make you RUN! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I don't think most people go into a relationship expecting to cheat. I don't think being a cheat requires being a sociopath. In my experience not cheating is about internal controls and less about external situations. With men, some guys have that internal control and just wont cheat, some guys don't have that control, but just never get an opportunity to cheat. When men do cheat it's their responsibility whether they want to accept that or not. Women seem to rarely have internal controls, it's primarily external. If the relationship is bad they cheat, if the situation is bad they cheat.... ect. It's the reason most women don't take responsibility for cheating. It's always the BF or Husbands fault... rarely is blame assigned to the female. Of course this is radically different in other countries.I agree with bnb. Don't generalize like this. I never cheated and will never cheat since I view it as sinking to bottom-feeding level. Internal controls are available to everyone. It's whether people look externally for another to emotionally support or complete what they lack inside. And many individuals have no idea what a healthy relationship entails since on an emotional level they absorbed what they were taught from observing their parents relationship or lack thereof. Some break out since they're not dependent solely on emotional decisions. Others never do, recreating the cycle of dysfunction since it's all they know so it's their comfort zone. In blaming women, aren't you doing the same victim thing that you accuse women of doing? Mirror, mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Well, I suppose there could be a situation where a guy's pants fell off and he tripped and stumbled and landed on top of a woman with her pants off... Skulking away to sneak around and f someone behind your spouse's back? NEVER right. What else isnt right? Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 What else isnt right? lying isn't right. Treating someone with disrespect isn't right whether you love them or not. The right thing to do is to stop being a coward and leave the marriage if you are so unhappy and your spouse is so bad. We are all adults here and adults in a free country are in chaarge of their behavior. They are in charge of their destiny. Noone can make you stay anywhere you don't want to or do anything you do not want to. A man or a woman crying they are stuck are just cake eaters searching for excuses and findind someone who actually falls for their cowardly excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 lying isn't right. Treating someone with disrespect isn't right whether you love them or not. The right thing to do is to stop being a coward and leave the marriage if you are so unhappy and your spouse is so bad. We are all adults here and adults in a free country are in chaarge of their behavior. They are in charge of their destiny. Noone can make you stay anywhere you don't want to or do anything you do not want to. A man or a woman crying they are stuck are just cake eaters searching for excuses and findind someone who actually falls for their cowardly excuses. Nicely said! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Fair.... But wouldnt you say that that really applies to just about any problem causing issue within a marriage? I mean thats why theres a problem right? One person made a decision despite what the other has to say or feel about it... - One person decides to forego sex (common) - One person decides to make major financial decisions without the other (common) - One person decides to shun/reject the other for whatever reason and refuses to let the other person know whats up. (common) and thats my point. It seems like people here make the cheater out to be the devil and the one cheated on could do no wrong. Maybe the one that was cheated on did their own fair share of questionable behaviour...How do you feel sorry for this person....how are they the "victim"? Yeah the person that cheated did something reprehensible..but so did the other person. Does it make it "right"?... no...but thats life...thats people...in the end of the day...when push comes to shove...when the **** hits the fan... people look out for their own neck. Thats everyone on this thread....in some way shape or form. its a mad world The things you listed are assumed that no discussion has taken place. It may not be a withdrawal without the other partner knowing. I can't assume that. Differences in sexual compatibility, frequency and or for like of a better word freakiness are all issues that lead to sexual problems. Not all are based on lack of sex. I would think that would be the same for money. We didn't agree on where the money should be invested. He said he made the money and I had no say. Yet he wanted a say in the money I made. Not that money was used without the other's knowledge. You believe the things you listed are common, I believe they are a part of some marriages not at all common. There are too many variables that we will never be privy to. We see the stereotypes portrayed in media, books, movies because frankly they are the ones that get the most attention. Conflict = public interest. But the one thing about cheating, it is done without the other person's knowledge at least 80% of the time. If the other spouse is aware, then it is probably more along the lines of an open marriage. My personal code of conduct(and a large number of people)find cheating reprehensible not just because the act of betrayal, but the lies, the gas lighting, bringing another into the spouse's life without the spouse's permission or knowledge. As long as you assume that there is a reason for a person to cheat, you will look for the person to aim that reason at, IMO. At some point in my life I probably have looked out for myself. That I can guarantee was before I made a commitment before my family and my God to remain faithful only to the person standing with me. That was before I brought children into this world. I don't know what shapes your personal belief system, but I don't automatically assume that the person who gets blown apart deserved it in some way or contributed to them having their lives blown apart. My life is intertwined with so many others, especially my children's, parents, and siblings...what did they do to have their lives blown apart. Yes, they are just considered collateral damage, but the damage is no less because they weren't the intended target. Why would I assume that Mr. Messy deserved for me to slap the taste buds out of his mouth? What could he possibly have done for me to do that to him? I am the responsible party. I made that horrible decision. I carried out that horrible action. I and I alone knew my thought process and didn't do anything to handle it the right way...the honorable way. I am sorry you feel as if a person who has been emotional abused by cheater, or possibly exposed to STD's, bunny boilers(female or male) or even the possibility of death some how did something that would equal that. I don't think people who cheat are the devil. Never have. But I don't respect the actions that have such devastating consequences for so many. Because MY belief is it is a choice that is made with each interaction with the AP. It isn't a one time mistake. It is emails, phone calls, texts, letters, trips, physical encounters (I used an "s" on the end of all those words). I live in an area that is pretty rural, low SES, and it isn't uncommon to see partners screwing around and it makes the news at least once a month where someone has gotten pissed off enough to take physical action...sometimes there is a death. No one can ever make me believe that just telling the truth and dealing with things like mature adults is worse than some one's life being destroyed by deception, any deception in particular cheating since this is the basis for you question. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) We are all adults here and adults in a free country are in chaarge of their behavior. They are in charge of their destiny. Noone can make you stay anywhere you don't want to or do anything you do not want to. A man or a woman crying they are stuck are just cake eaters searching for excuses and findind someone who actually falls for their cowardly excuses. So despite other issues you may have that may be positive about your marriage....you're going to wake up one day and say "see ya" because something is missing in your sex life ....and show up the next day (miraculously enough) in court and say... "yeah your honour....I'm leaving because I'm not getting enough sex"? (that'll be the look on the judge's face) ..... the divorce proceedings will be over in 16 minutes .... both sides happy with the terms the lawyers will say "hey dont worry about our fee...we work for free":eek::eek::eek: ("uh yeah hello mr devil...has hell frozen over?") and then off you go skipping down the road in search of penney whistles and moonpies? Edited February 22, 2011 by StoneCold Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 So despite other issues you may have that may be positive about your marriage....you're going to wake up one day and say "see ya" because something is missing in your sex life ....and show up the next day (miraculously enough) in court and say... "yeah your honour....I'm leaving because I'm not getting enough sex"? (that'll be the look on the judge's face) ..... the divorce proceedings will be over in 16 minutes .... both sides happy with the terms the lawyers will say "hey dont worry about our fee...we work for free":eek::eek::eek: ("uh yeah hello mr devil...has hell frozen over?") and then off you go skipping down the road in search of penney whistles and moonpies? Come on SC, can't we disagree without going this route? Leaving isn't ideal. But can you imagine what might really happen if both partners are given the same opportunities? I mean what is wrong with adults manning up so to speak. Honey I have an attraction to (tom, dick or harry)(amy, becky or lolita) and I am not really sexually satisfied with our sex life. Is there a way we can work through this or I am going to do it, you have the same option. I think marriage should be renegotiated when the terms don't work for either or both parents. But that negotiation can't take place if both partners don't have all the info. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain1 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Are most cheaters sociopaths? Oh, I think most are. not all of them. all being POS yes sociopaths? almost. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 You believe the things you listed are common, I believe they are a part of some marriages not at all common. Do you know what the divorce rate is and the two top reasons for divorce? I am sorry you feel as if a person who has been emotional abused by cheater, or possibly exposed to STD's, bunny boilers(female or male) or even the possibility of death some how did something that would equal that. I don't think people who cheat are the devil. Life isnt about "equal"...never has been... its about actions and reactions..thats it Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Come on SC, can't we disagree without going this route? Sorry bent i couldnt help it.... the poster doesnt have to agree but they are being a little unrealistic especially when making a blanket statement like that. But can you imagine what might really happen if both partners are given the same opportunities? I mean what is wrong with adults manning up so to speak. Honey I have an attraction to (tom, dick or harry)(amy, becky or lolita) and I am not really sexually satisfied with our sex life. Is there a way we can work through this or I am going to do it, you have the same option. I dont know what could happen... nobody does...but if that move blows up in your face your toast...and most likely it will blow up...now you're "guilty" before you even did anything. People dont like to dabble with what they dont know I think marriage should be renegotiated when the terms don't work for either or both parents. But that negotiation can't take place if both partners don't have all the info. Oh I agree... the negotiation also cant take place if one partner just isnt willing...info or not. See bent I think you just arent recognizing that it could also be a possibility that the partner does have all the info but simply chooses to ignore it. You give people too much credit. Edited February 22, 2011 by StoneCold Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Do you know what the divorce rate is and the two top reasons for divorce? Life isnt about "equal"...never has been... its about actions and reactions..thats it I have actually studied this particular issue(it is an ongoing thing I want to learn about the patterns based on regions) . Yes, I do know the reasons mainly listed for divorce, sex and money. But those are each broken down into categories with varying degrees. Most weren't for with holding, they included some of things I mentioned in my previous posts. You are absolutely correct life isn't about equal, but it is about how all our actions not only effect others, but ourselves. We don't live in a vacuum so those actions effect every aspect of our lives. There has to be someone who is willing step up in a marriage or end it. As I said before divorce isn't ideal but sometimes the option for the partner who is not in agreement with an offensive action is much more human than cheating. Some BS will choose to remain with their spouses, some will have their own affairs, some will walk and never look back no matter the positive aspects that existed in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Sorry bent i couldnt help it.... the poster doesnt have to agree but they are being a little unrealistic especially when making a blanket statement like that. I dont know what could happen... nobody does...but if that move blows up in your face your toast...and most likely it will blow up...now you're "guilty" before you even did anything. People dont like to dabble with what they dont know Oh I agree... the negotiation also cant take place if one partner just isnt willing...info or not. See bent I think you just arent recognizing that it could also be a possibility that the partner does have all the info but simply chooses to ignore it. You give people too much credit. I have never been accused of that on here:laugh: it may be true. But maybe you give them too little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 I know this is a bit off topic but is the fact that I rolled my eyes at some of the misogyny here a sign I am truly getting better? I agree that female cheaters are masters at blame shifting but you can't generalize a whole gender as being untrustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I know this is a bit off topic but is the fact that I rolled my eyes at some of the misogyny here a sign I am truly getting better? I agree that female cheaters are masters at blame shifting but you can't generalize a whole gender as being untrustworthy. Woggle I love you:love::love:like a brother of course. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I know this is a bit off topic but is the fact that I rolled my eyes at some of the misogyny here a sign I am truly getting better? I agree that female cheaters are masters at blame shifting but you can't generalize a whole gender as being untrustworthy.Well said, Woggle! And yes, I think you are getting better. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I But maybe you give them too little. How did I know you were going to say that? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Thanks for illustrating my statements Also cheaters are often the one who dominate the relationship : the ones who make less efforts in the marriage and who want their spouse to be the one following and supporting them (Taker and Giver dynamics). Ahhhh, thank you for this. When we first started attending MC, (and I have too admit I could not shut up) my H, and fWS, complained ad nauseum about what HE believed was lacking in our marriage. (And I kept waking out of sessions, enraged, which truly wasn't helpful, KWIM?) It was simply all my fault. The MC then asked him, what H was contributing to the M? Did he do A. B. C. D. to make it better? Of course not!:mad: So he learned the invaluable lesson that while he thought he wasn't getting enough from the marriage, he really wasn't giving enough to the marriage. Imagine that? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 How did I know you were going to say that? You are psychic or maybe you own a crystal ball. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 lying isn't right. Treating someone with disrespect isn't right whether you love them or not. The right thing to do is to stop being a coward and leave the marriage if you are so unhappy and your spouse is so bad. We are all adults here and adults in a free country are in chaarge of their behavior. They are in charge of their destiny. Noone can make you stay anywhere you don't want to or do anything you do not want to. A man or a woman crying they are stuck are just cake eaters searching for excuses and findind someone who actually falls for their cowardly excuses. jlola, thanks for this! Sociopathic? No! Narcissistic? Yeah. Cowardly? Oh, most definitely! And it takes two! Plus a lot of drama to ratchet up the drama! Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Sociopaths?.... So he learned the invaluable lesson that while he thought he wasn't getting enough from the marriage, he really wasn't giving enough to the marriage. Imagine that? Thanks for illustrating my statements Also cheaters are often the one who dominate the relationship : the ones who make less efforts in the marriage and who want their spouse to be the one following and supporting them (Taker and Giver dynamics). Looks like cheaters arent the only ones who come up with half baked excuses as to why they cheat... Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 You are psychic or maybe you own a crystal ball. lol... then that would make me like many "characters" around here....god forbid Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 lol... then that would make me like many "characters" around here....god forbid Characters we are:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
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