kaygato Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Here's my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264293/ This was our first relationship ever for both my ex and I. Because of that and because of regret over the how and why things ended, I think this is going to take me awhile to fully get over. My ex already has moved on. 3 weeks after the last breakup he got a new girlfriend. I started NC about 3-4 days before I saw his relationship status change on facebook. Now I avoid his facebook as well. Anyway, my question is, how will I know if I'm ready to move on? He was a great boyfriend and I don't really believe he's 100% over me, but that could just be wishful thinking. I think part of it is because I'm so stubborn, but I wouldn't turn down a second chance for us if it "felt right", despite the way he strung me along for 3 months. I guess it's because I'm able to look at the big picture now and see we did need to break up at the time. I'm wondering if it's fair to get into a new relationship even when you know you're not completely over your ex. Thing is, I don't know if I ever will be. I guess I'm the type of person who would prefer to wait awhile before dating someone new (like 6 months-a year), but ever since I heard about my ex my opinion has changed. Would it be fair if I was honest about not being completely over my ex? I don't have anyone yet that I'm interested in specifically, but I'm quite lonely. I also feel super lame when I think about my ex with his new girl and get all angry. Am I just stupposed to sit around with this anger for months until it goes away? Basically, just wondering about the ethics of a rebound relationship.
wmrjw82 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 This isn't always the case but they usually say it takes about 1/2 the length of your relationship to "get over" your ex. Now, i've known plenty of people that were both over it before and after this time period but it really depends on the people involved. It's just kind of a saying but something also to keep in mind. In the end, you just kinda "know" when its time. At first you dread the thought of ever being with someone else. Then you begin to think that "on down the road" it could be a possibility. Then all of a sudden you've met someone and you look back on these times and wonder how you ever felt that way in the beginning. It's a process and it varies from person to person. You will know when it's time. I promise you that.
Call Me Al Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 For me at the end of my last relationship, I knew I was over it when I really stopped thinking about her. It just happened one day, and I found her not creeping into my thoughts. Right now it seems hard (I know it is for me with my current situation) but you do eventually get past it.
Author kaygato Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Honestly, right now I don't even want him back. I want the "old" him back. The guy who said he loved me and would never hurt me on purpose. I'm just so tired of all this anger. I know it's natural, but I don't like feeling angry with him. I guess I'd rather miss him or not feel anything at all. This was an ldr so I don't even see him on a day-to-day basis but I'm just so consumed by anger every day over him being with this girl. It's almost like an anger/anxiety feeling. I really hate it. At this point I know that any new relationship with someone would only be an escape for how I'm feeling, and that doesn't seem healthy to me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just wish these feelings would go away.
Author kaygato Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I just want someone to love me again. I miss the love, the physical closeness, the intimacy, the talking... I think I might just move on when I find someone I'm interested in. I can't deal with pining over someone who's moved on to someone else. My ex won't be coming back anytime soon...I'm certain about that. If we ever do get back together it'll be after months or years. I can't wait around for him like that. Is it bad that I don't want to get over him though? I don't want my feelings to die. I don't want to grow to resent him. I'll just find someone new when the oppurtunity presents itself.
D78 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Has it been only a month since you broke up? I know it's difficult to go from being loved to not, but don't let his relationship status dictate your actions. It's your life now, and he doesn't deserve your thoughts (and, yeah, I know it's impossible to not think of him right now, especially if it's only been a month, but this is your goal). Hooking up with someone else is not going to take away the fact that you feel bad about him. And it is less likely to lead to a fulfilling relationship, because you're not over your ex. It definitely won't hurt to take some time to love yourself again. Good luck.
Author kaygato Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks D78, I actually do agree with you. I actually realized just a little while ago that I can let him go. I haven't been able to do that until now. This relationship has helped me to realize the extent of how much I desire control of my surroundings...I can never just go with the flow. Now this is something I'm committed to working on, because I see that that attitude really hurt me after we first broke up. I couldn't handle the loss of control, begged him back, and we ended up breaking up again twice more. Looking back I can see that things were already to the point of no return when he broke up with me the first time. I honestly don't want my ex back anymore...so I guess getting into a rebound relationship just because he did would just be stupid. I wouldn't rule out giving him one last try in the future, but I don't want him now. He's changed from the guy I first met and fell for, and I don't like the guy he has become. This break up has really taken a toll on me emotionally. I also was not in a good place when the relationship ended...so I've been through a lot lately. I'm taking a break from boyfriends and dating for a while, I think. I do need time to love myself again. A year of enjoying the single life would not be such abad idea.
flow15 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Kaygato, I think your situation is very similar to mine. I don't think I've read your original story, but from what I've seen in this post and others I feel our situations are very similar. My ex too broke up with me like 4 times, and everytime I tried to convince him to come back, because I too couldn't handle the loss of control. I realize now also that I should never have gone back to him after the first time he ended it. I too feel like he's a completely different person, I miss the person he was before, the guy who also told me he loved me so much and said he'd never hurt me. The person he is now, I hardly recognize. So I guess as much as I want the old him back, I don't want my ex back because I know he's not the same person anymore or at least not the person I fell in love with. My ex also ended it about a month ago now, and he's moved on. I went on a date the other day but I'm just not ready, I kept comparing the guy to my ex and after the date, I just kept thinking about my ex even more. So DON'T get into a rebound relationship whatever you do, it will make you feel so much worse, you will know when you are ready to date... but definitely enjoy your single life for now and make the most of it. I too feel so angry now, angry at myself for letting myself go back to him and let him hurt me time and time again, and angry at him for treating me this way after he told me he'd never hurt me... How are you dealing with your anger? And also, how are you working on dealing with your control issues? I didn't realise it til now, but maybe I have the same problem
Sugarkane Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 My ex dumped me out of the blue and basically pulled the rug from under me. And just to add salt into the wound he was callous aswell. I had a really hard time after the breakup. I rebounded and I don't recommed it at all. You'll still feel bad about your ex and rebounding made me feel even worse.
willpower Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 . I guess I'm the type of person who would prefer to wait awhile before dating someone new (like 6 months-a year), but ever since I heard about my ex my opinion has changed. Basically, just wondering about the ethics of a rebound relationship. I was actually very comfortable being 'broken' from my ex until she told me she was dating someone. Since then its messed up my head to the point that I pushed myself to go out and go dating. I'm pretty sure if I knew she was still single I'd actually be much better than I am now, it really kicks a whole bunch of new emotions in when you know they are with someone else. I wouldn't say don't date as it did help take my mind off, but I'm not one to settle with a partner easily and being with other people has reminded my why I liked my ex. 4 months on now and I'm almost ready, but still not quite there. If your curious then get back out there!
Author kaygato Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 My ex is really insecure about women. He's been rejected a lot in the past and I honestly feel like his ego needs to have some kind of female attention going on. When we started having issues towards the end of our relationship he got really mad at me (I admit that I wasn't perfect at all) and pretty much decided it'd be easier to look for female attention elsewhere. The thing that really gets to me is why he has to jump into a full-blown relationship 3 weeks after we break up? I feel like that is a little desperate on his part. And it of course bothers me with the whole facebook update and everything. It's like he has to show off to everyone and throw it in my face "look I have a girlfriend!". Then all his friends commented on it like "nice going!" "aww that's so great" and bla bla bla. I mean, what the hell? I want to try and be friendly towards him after this, but that'll suck if he talks about his new gf. I'll have to pretend I don't care and be happy for him. Maybe he won't want to talk about it though...just like when he broke up with me the last time and said "I don't want a relationship right now" which was obviously a total lie. I just don't get why people do this. One thing I've learned from my relationship with him is to not jump into a bf/gf relationship instantly with someone. Obviously, his ego can't handle the idea of being single for more than a couple weeks!
flow15 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Was that your ex's excuse for breaking up with you? That he didn't want a relationship? That was my ex's excuse. I think you should just remain NC, it will help you heal quicker. It's not fun talking to an ex when he already has a girlfriend, it will probably be too painful for you. Also maybe you should remove him from facebook?? I don't think your ex's new relationship will last that long so don't worry, the fact that he's just jumped into it so quickly. Also if he can't be alone for long, then he probably doesn't like this new girl all that much. You are sooo much better off without him! I cut contact with my ex when he ended it... well he hasn't exactly tried to contact me since, we've both just sort of left eachother alone. Edited February 22, 2011 by flow15
Author kaygato Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Was that your ex's excuse for breaking up with you? That he didn't want a relationship? That was my ex's excuse. I think you should just remain NC, it will help you heal quicker. It's not fun talking to an ex when he already has a girlfriend, it will probably be too painful for you. Also maybe you should remove him from facebook?? I don't think your ex's new relationship will last that long so don't worry, the fact that he's just jumped into it so quickly. Also if he can't be alone for long, then he probably doesn't like this new girl all that much. You are sooo much better off without him! I cut contact with my ex when he ended it... well he hasn't exactly tried to contact me since, we've both just sort of left eachother alone. I don't know...thankfully, I won't be seeing him much at all considering this was an ldr. The summer might pose a problem as I'm bound to run into him since I started attending his church with my mutual friend that introduced us. I have absolutely no desire to contact him at all. I don't even want him back anymore, although I did sort of leave the door open for the future. I do think you're right Flow, no contact is what will be best for me. I don't want to be mean and ignore him till he gets it, but if he ever does try and contact me (which he hasn't since I last contacted him) I'll just politely tell him I think it would be best if we didn't contact each other for a while. I think right now he has it in the back of his mind that when he wants me I'll be at his beck and call, and as that's not really true anymore I don't want to give off that impression. I don't think I can honestly handle being friendly with him much while he's dating his new gf. I could do it, but it would be uneccessary hurt and pain for me. Until he's single again, I don't want to talk with him at all.
Author kaygato Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I de-friended him on facebook the last time we broke up. But I got weak a little while later and looked at his page (his privacy settings have it so anyone can see most of his stuff) and saw his relationship status change. I don't think I'll have trouble not looking at his page anymore since it has caused me so much pain the last time. I might friend him again later on just because I feel like it's a little petty that I de-friended him, but I'll just make sure to not look him up on fb anymore.
Recommended Posts