Another Side of the Other Woman

[cville45]

I just happened across this site this morning, and I am glad I did. Reading various posts about being in love with a married man has helped me come to grips with feelings I have been struggling with over the past few weeks, and, even though all of you are strangers to me, I want to thank you for bringing to print many of the very same ideas I have had floating around in my head for weeks.

 

I am an educated, successful woman in her late 40s. I had been happily married to a wonderful man for 14 years until he died suddenly 9 years ago. I raised my two children through their teen years alone, and lost one of them when she died also suddenly shortly after high school graduation. By nature, I am a strong-willed, independent person and consider myself to be a survivor. Although it took some time for me to get over my personal tragedies, my optimistic outlook and determination lead me to believe that there must be something more waiting for me. I have been happy and even excited about the many possibilities in my future. More importantly, even though I do miss having romance from time to time (who doesn't?), I never felt like I needed a man in my life to make me complete.

 

Through it all, I have enjoyed the relationships I have with close friends. One of them is a married man. He and I have worked together for about 10 years, and I have always been comfortable talking with him about anything and everything. He never talked to me about his wife, though. He only talked about his grown children. I loved him the way I love my closest girlfriend. About a year ago, I went out with a small group of friends from work. He was part of the group. We were all drinking and having a great time, and some how, my MM and I ended up together that night. It just happened. Of course, the next day I felt guilty about it, realizing I had made a terrible mistake. I had never done anything like that before, and vowed I never would again. Knowing him as well as I thought I did, I thought we would talk about it the next time I saw him and would find he felt the same. I was wrong.

 

When we did talk about it, he confided that his feelings for me had grown much deeper than friendship over the years and that he was in love with me. I was shocked and intrigued. To make a long story short, today I find myself in the same predicament that many women have written about. I am in love with a married man, and I have heard all of the stories and all of the lines. He wants us to be together for the rest of our lives. He can't get me out of his mind. We are best friends. He can talk to me. I understand him. He does not love his wife. He enjoys being with me. And it goes on and on and on. Like many others, I knew this was wrong and I tried to break it off, but I kept getting pulled back by all of those emotions that get tangled up when you deeply care for someone and love takes a different direction. Unlike some others, though, I know what to do, and the threads I have read this morning have helped verify the things I know to be true.

 

I have made a terrible mistake. I have allowed something to happen that contradicts everything I believe in. Whatever his problems are with his marriage, he has a wife, and she is a thinking feeling human being. I have no right to get involved with another woman's husband unless and until they divorce. After all, although my own marriage was wonderful, that's not to say that we didn't have our share of problems. How would I feel if some other woman slept with my husband during more difficult times?

 

More importantly, I have put myself in position that is dangerous to my own emotional and mental well-being. For every day of excitement and happiness, there have been three days of misery and doubt. Not a very good ratio if you ask me. I find myself asking "Why do you want to torment yourself this way?" After all, there have been painful situations in my life over which I had no control. Why should I allow anything or anyone to hurt me when I can control it? Why would I want to sacrifice the inner peace I have found in my life and with myself as an individual for a relationship that only causes pain? For someone who is otherwise pretty intelligent, I have acted pretty stupid.

 

I have tried to talk to him about these feelings in the past, but he has always said and done just the right thing to make me reconsider. For too long, I have allowed him to control my emotions. Today, I don't completely understand why I allowed this to happen in my life. I certainly wasn't looking for anyone, and I've never felt desperate. Since I look much younger than my age and have kept in great shape, I don't have trouble meeting men and have dated from time to time whenever I felt like it. I never wanted anything serious to develop, though, because I did not want anyone complicating my life. After all, it took me years to straighten it out again. Now, I enjoy my independence and freedom. I have a very successful career, and I have wonderful friends and family. What I do know is this. It has to stop now, and it is up to me to stop it. I realize now that there is no reason to even try to talk to him about my feelings. The fact that we were once close friends has nothing to do with it. I will no longer sacrifice myself for someone who used to be a friend. A true friend would not allow me to be hurt. Will it be easy? NO!! Will I be better off in the end? YES!!

 

For any women out there who have found themselves in a similar situation, I would like to share with you a few reminders about things I had temporarily forgotten but know to be true.

 

1. NO ONE SHOULD CONTROL YOU. If you find that your mind is consumed with thoughts of him and waiting for the next time he can be free to be with you, you are not in control.

 

2. IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT. If he has filled your head with promises, and you have fallen for his stories, then you have no one to blame but yourself for even listening. If you find yourself sitting alone crying on a Saturday night because he's at home with his wife and not you, then you have no one to blame but yourself for staying home in the first place. No one twisted your arm to start this relationship. It it's hurting you now, no one is twisting your arm to get out.

 

3. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Do you love him? I'm sure you do. But more importantly, do you love yourself? If you don't then there is something more wrong in your life than this relationship. If you do love yourself, then prove it. You owe it to yourself. Show some self-respect. Protect yourself. You are better than this. You deserve more.

 

4. YOU ARE HUMAN. So you made a mistake? Correct it and move on. Don't continue to beat yourself up over it.

I constantly ask myself why it took me so long to figure it out. Many of you probably ask the same thing. Who knows? For me, I guess it was something new, unfamiliar, and unexpected. I wasn't thinking. I was naive. Whatever the case, I was wrong, and I am sorry for what I have put myself through all these months. I let myself be vulnerable, and I wasted valuable time. But I forgive myself, and I will move on.

 

I hope my story helps someone out there as your stories and ideas have helped me. I am glad I found this site this morning, and I will visit again soon. Good luck to all of you as you struggle in difficult relationships!!

[befuddled11]

That's a really great post....and that's coming from someone who despises infidelity and who doesn't have much sympathy for those involved in affairs.

 

I hope the many people here, who are the "OM" or "OW" will take your lessons and realizations to heart.

 

The one thing that really stood out in your post, as it does in many posts of this nature is.....the MM claims he "doesn't love his wife." So then what the freakin' hell is he doing living a lie with her? Of course I believe that most MM who give that lame excuse/justification for cheating are really just "saying that"..........but regardless of the sincerity of that proclamation, the question could be asked (or shouted to them), "then what the hell are you staying with her for?"

 

So have you asked your MM why he continues to apparently live a lie of a marriage, with a wife he claims to not love?

 

Let me guess...he's given you one of the most common canned responses:

 

-he's staying for the kids

-if he divorced her, she'd ruin him financially

-she's mentally unstable and he couldn't bare to ruin her life

-bla bla bla

 

So which excuse does he give YOU? Just curious.

[meanon]

I'm so glad that reading about others and their experiences has helped you gain some insight into what is happening to you.

 

I have put myself in position that is dangerous to my own emotional and mental well-being. For every day of excitement and happiness, there have been three days of misery and doubt. Not a very good ratio if you ask me.

 

If you had realised this would be the effect you would have acted differently. It's not stupidity, it's the hope that comes with love which makes us think it will protect us from the harsh realities of life. It doesn't.

 

I'm glad you've forgiven yourself - now you can get with enjoying the rest of your life. Good luck

[dkopp]

Absolutely inspiring post. Cville45, you are an enlightenment to this webstie.

[cville45]

Thanks for your response! His excuse for staying with his wife has been this. Although they don't really love each other anymore, they respect each other. She has a successful career and so does he. They each have their own circle of friends and don't go out much together. They don't talk much. They don't sleep in the same bed. In fact, they have separate rooms. I can honestly say, in all the years I've worked with him, I have never seen her at any of our work's social functions. He has always come alone. Most of the people at work don't even realize he's married. Since he can come and go as he pleases, he just never bothered going through the motions of divorce and didn't plan on it unless he had a reason to. According to him, that's me. Still, I see no indication that any definite action has been or ever will be taken toward divorce.

[Sundaymorning]

I agree with befuddled, i hate infidelity as much as i hate everything bad and evil in this world. But you are taking accountability for your own actions and in these kinds of situations, no one ever seems to. Please leave him and do whats best for you.

[cville45]

Please leave him and do whats best for you.

 

 

I truly believe in the saying "A mistake is only a mistake until it is corrected." I also believe that we learn from our mistakes. I am definitely leaving him because that IS what is best for me. It is also the only way I can correct the mistake I have made. Thanks for your response!

[Sundaymorning]

WE NEED TO HAVE A LOVESHACKER PARTY BECAUSE OF THIS ONE POST RIGHT HERE!!!!!

You are the very first person that I have read that took part in infidelity and declared it her fault and is MOVING ON!!!!!

 

[TigerEyes]

Originally posted by cville45

Whatever his problems are with his marriage, he has a wife, and she is a thinking feeling human being. I have no right to get involved with another woman's husband unless and until they divorce. After all, although my own marriage was wonderful, that's not to say that we didn't have our share of problems. How would I feel if some other woman slept with my husband during more difficult times?

 

 

 

 

BRAVO!! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 

If only all other women, thinking of becoming involved with a married man, STOPPED AND THOUGHT ABOUT IT from this perspective, there would be a lot less HEARTBREAK, and much more honor to the sacred bond of marriage.

[thankful1]

The more I read, the more humbled, the more in awe I feel about my experience with MM.

 

I have no doubt that he is and has always been very happy with his wife and vice versa. The only promise he made to me and which he has strived to keep is illustrated in the following:

 

[font=arial]I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears.

But I can listen to you and together we will search for answer.

 

I can't change your past with all its heartache and pain,

or the future with its untold stories.

But I can be there now when you need me to care.

 

I can't keep your feet from stumbling. I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine.

 

Yet, I can share in your laughter.

 

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge.

I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.

 

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me. I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

 

I can't give you boundaries, which I have determined for you. But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.

 

I can't keep your heart from breaking or hurting. But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place.

 

I can't tell you who you are.

I can only love you and be your friend.[/font]

 

~by Caramel Kitty~

[cville45]

To Thankful1: Thanks for posting such a meaningful poem. I have printed a copy and will read it often.

 

To All of you: Thanks for reading my post and for your encouragement. Although it hasn't been easy to walk away from my MM, I am finding I feel so much better about myself now that I have. Oh I still find myself crying sometimes at night, but those nights are getting fewer and farther between. Sometimes a good cry does a world of good anyway. At least during the day, and especially at work, it feels good that I am no longer living a lie and constantly worrying that someone will find out. The best part, though, is that I have regained control over my life . . . something that I know I was losing when I was with him.

[thankful1]

You are welcome cville45.

 

I have broke up with MM so many times I have lost count. Last year I made the decision that no matter what my feelings were for him, I had to let go - that the ends did not justify the means.

 

It was not easy but after coming across the statement:

 

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with."

 

I was anxious as I wondered how would I manage without the friendship and inspiration of my best friend.

 

Eventually I carved out a life that did not include him in any way. For the most part I was content but after a three month break we got back together but this time it was different.

 

It marked a turning point for both of us as we realized that contrary to what we had anticipated the situation was not going to fade away - that we would eventually drift apart. It also forced MM to acknowledge to himself that what we had was more than just a friendship but also an affair.

 

Previous to this despite my telling him, he had always been in denial as to the true nature of our relationship and the risks he was taking. It was from then that the we started making a more determined effort to modify the way we related to each other.

 

Maintaining NC now has not been easy but much easier than in the past as we acknowledge the reality of the possibility of hurting others as well as ourselves if we continue as we were.

[TexasBlue]

Okay, I am new to this forum and yes I am the "other woman" as you all seem to put it, however, I'm not sure that I can see why the OW are considered to be evil and wrong. My MM showed up at my door professing that he was tired of living without love in his life. He told me that if his wife was suddenly gone, that he didn't feel there would be a void, and yes I believed him. In fact, I have believed a great deal of what he has had to say.

 

Thus, my question is this.....why is it that the OW or OM is condemned and/or ridiculed? Why is it that the OW or OM is labeled and identified as insecure, with low self-esteem or needy? How about the wives that everyone continues to mention stay with this man even after they know the affair has been ongoing for four years or more? Why continue to take him back? The kids....well the spouse doesn't lose the kids, parenting continues. The money....well finances are finances and when there is a means there is a way. Does she love him more than the OW and that makes her more secure and with higher self-esteem.

 

Yes, I'm frantic to find people in this world that do not condemn a considerate loving person for sharing their heart. We are taught to trust and believe in others, so why is it that we always take the easy road and condemn ?

[TigerEyes]

Originally posted by TexasBlue

Okay, I am new to this forum and yes I am the "other woman" as you all seem to put it, however, I'm not sure that I can see why the OW are considered to be evil and wrong. My MM showed up at my door professing that he was tired of living without love in his life. He told me that if his wife was suddenly gone, that he didn't feel there would be a void, and yes I believed him. In fact, I have believed a great deal of what he has had to say.

 

Thus, my question is this.....why is it that the OW or OM is condemned and/or ridiculed? Why is it that the OW or OM is labeled and identified as insecure, with low self-esteem or needy? How about the wives that everyone continues to mention stay with this man even after they know the affair has been ongoing for four years or more? Why continue to take him back? The kids....well the spouse doesn't lose the kids, parenting continues. The money....well finances are finances and when there is a means there is a way. Does she love him more than the OW and that makes her more secure and with higher self-esteem.

 

Yes, I'm frantic to find people in this world that do not condemn a considerate loving person for sharing their heart. We are taught to trust and believe in others, so why is it that we always take the easy road and condemn ?

 

 

It's very simple...If he loves YOU, he'll divorce her.....otherwise he is using you, for sex or emotional needs.

 

I will never understand the OW point of view....because I respect marriage....'WE DO NOT TOUCH A MARRIED MAN'. It's immoral, it's wrong in the eyes of God....it is a sin.

 

No excuses, never.

 

Why does it never occur to the OW that if the man will LIE AND BETRAY his spouse, who he pledged his life to... to cheat...he'll do it TO you (the OW), as well....just a matter of time....

 

yes, parenting goes on....but have you ever seen a child who has been around their parents, where one parent is cheating? There is a void. They know something is wrong. They can't fix it when Mommy cries. They can't make Daddy come back home, and LATER when they are older...they are so angry at the parent who broke up their home because he/she couldn't stay faithful. Please don't be so naive about what it does to the children.

 

As for low self esteem of the OW...I don't know, and I don't care...I say she just doesn't have a good sense of right and wrong. Would she want some woman invading on her life, with her man? Or are you one of those OW who think if he's 'unhappy' it's ok...he's fair game. If so, that makes you naive about marriage. There is no marriage without it's ups and downs. Marriage is sacred.

 

What God has brought together, let NO MAN tear apart'

 

... but, as I said in a previous post/thread....The OW will ALWAYS have or find an excuse why cheating with a married man is acceptable for them.

That is why so many wives out there will suffer unspeakable pain.

 

I'm sorry if this seems tough...but, you will find that MOST women do not like the women out there prowling for their husbands. It's about respect. You don't take what is not yours.

 

ugh, this topic disgusts me...for all the heartbroken spouses out there who have been horribly betrayed, the children who have suffered, and the broken homes as a result...

 

Please, just find a man of your own and be happy.....leave other wives husbands alone! Respect yourself and them enough to do so! 'Just say NO'

[cville45]

Originally posted by TexasBlue

Thus, my question is this.....why is it that the OW or OM is condemned and/or ridiculed? Why is it that the OW or OM is labeled and identified as insecure, with low self-esteem or needy?

Yes, I'm frantic to find people in this world that do not condemn a considerate loving person for sharing their heart. We are taught to trust and believe in others, so why is it that we always take the easy road and condemn ?

 

Why does society condemn the OW/OM? My best guess is that it is simply easier to blame someone else when things go wrong in our lives. Do I agree with that? NO!! However, as I stated in an earlier post, I was once the OW until I realized the relationship I had was not good for me. Everytime I felt hurt because he couldn't be with me, I instinctively wanted to blame him. Whenever he talked about how rotten his marriage had become, he blamed her. And if his wife ever found out that her husband was cheating, she would immediately blame me. And so it goes . . . everyone is blaming everyone else for what has gone wrong in their lives. The truth is everyone is responsible for his/her actions and, as a result, must accept the consequences of such actions.

 

I knew I made a mistake for getting involved with a married man. I blame myself for that, and I corrected it and moved on. I personally don't care now nor did I ever care what other people think about me for being involved with him in the first place. I am more confident and secure in myself than that. What I think about myself is much more important to me than what someone who doesn't even know me might think or say. The fact that you are so bothered by what other people say makes me wonder about your own sense of security and self-worth.

[TigerEyes]

Originally posted by cville45 The truth is everyone is responsible for his/her actions and, as a result, must accept the consequences of such actions.

 

As long as what you are saying here ....doesn't imply that the wife is RESPONSIBLE for her husband cheating?

 

He is responsible for cheating. The OW is at blame for seeking a married man....

 

Yes I believe that. I will never change my mind about it. All she had to do was, say no, you're married....but the OW will always have an excuse why it's ok.

 

 

It is never ok. It's the lowest.

 

I would NEVER in a million years break up a marriage....never seek a married man, or cheat on someone else....

 

It's despicable! It is a SIN.

 

Sorry, but OW/OM have no morals if they date a married man....God forbid some woman comes after YOUR man one day! Then the shoe will surely be on the other foot.

 

Please ....find a healthy, mature relationship with a man that is yours.

[reachingskywards]

I’m not sure why there are people floating around this forum are saying things about being with a man who is in a committed relationship is ‘immoral’ or ‘the lowest’. I don’t think opinions like those go very far in helping any of us who are involved sort out our situation.

 

I certainly don’t see myself as being immoral. I am a strong educated and successful woman. I have come here for support and understanding so I can face the difficult decisions that I am looking at. I have always been more than faithful in my relationships. I never ever thought I would end up with someone who is also attached. And I couldn’t understand anyone who did… but I have a far better understanding now.

 

I really appreciate and admire the way that cville45 can articulate what has happened for her. And I admire her strength and courage for making tough decisions. I’ve also printed out her post to help give me strength.

 

Personally, I have thought long and hard about my MMs wife and his kids. I’ve told him I wouldn’t give him any advice re: his marriage as that’s something he has to sort out himself. I’ve also said that I’m not going to be used as a instrument for him to get out of his marriage. If he wants to leave then he can do it without me.

 

I am trying to do the right thing and have come here for support while I end the relationship. I also know that I’ve made a mistake… but having moral putdowns thrown at me doesn’t actually help and in fact turns me off being here.

[cville45]

Originally posted by reachingskywards

I am trying to do the right thing and have come here for support while I end the relationship. I also know that I’ve made a mistake… but having moral putdowns thrown at me doesn’t actually help and in fact turns me off being here.

 

A very wise person once told me "You have no right to criticize anyone else unless you, yourself, are perfect." Since I know I am nowhere near perfect, I try not to judge others. Likewise, since no one else I know is near perfect, I try not to let their negative criticisms affect me too much. After all, who knows better what is going on inside of me than me? My advice to you is to ignore the moral putdowns. Instead, keep your focus on what you know to be true for you.

 

Yes, you are a sinner, but then so am I and so is everyone else in one way or another. But you already know that, and so does God, and those are the only two you need to worry about right now. Forgive yourself and keep doing your best to make things right again, and He will forgive you too.

 

I give you a lot of credit for realizing you have made a mistake, and I applaud you for trying to do the right thing by ending the relationship. I am glad you have found my earlier posts helpful, and I hope you realize that for every one out there who casts stones, there are two more who will try to understand and offer help.

[Arabess]

ONLY because I promised...THIS would be a perfect farewell post. Just sent it myself after the lying bastard came home from the war: It's no fakery.....it's the real deal.

 

Our relationship failure had NOTHING to do with you being gone for 13 months. Hell, I would've waited 13 years for you. The bottom line was...your body bag...should that have occurred...belonged to someone else. NOT ME...the one who loved you. And the one you promised yourself to.

 

This is the deal ....YOU LIED. You aren't a Hero or a great guy....you are a LIAR. I'm sure you will use this skill to your advantage and lie to yourself even now. It seems as though this is what you've done in the past to convince yourself that it is somehow okay to represent yourself one way when truthfully that is incorrect.

 

I had a wonderful friend tell me one time, while I struggled with bitterness....that hate isn't the opposite of love. The opposite of love is indifference.

 

With all that was within me....I wanted the end result of indifference. I wanted to not hate you....but to no longer love you enough to care either way. I have accomplished that result.

 

You were mean and cruel as far as what you did to my heart. You should be so ashamed of yourself.

 

I have made it my personal mission for ALL women who believe men like you....to be aware that you mean nothing you say. You may have feelings.....but obviously no spine to accompany those feelings. Your promises.....much like you love....is empty and MOOT.

 

Maybe this was all fun and sex to you.....but it wasn't to me. I believed you and loved you with ALL of my heart.....with ALL that was within me. And it ALL proved to be a joke and a part of a cruel statistic.

 

I debated myself to ever tell you what I found out to be true. Maybe dying into oblivion would have been better. I'm not that kind of person though. I'm much stronger and better than you will ever be. I'm sorry for your wife and family. If I was less of a person, they would also know what less of a person you really are.

In the end though, I am more of a person. I understand why your wife hates you and refuses to sleep with you or live with you. I wouldn't sleep with you or live with you for anything either. Intimacy requires respect......and I have NONE for you or your kind.

 

I will continue to help women out of their hopeless state......and only wish someone would've helped me out of mine before you broke my heart in a million pieces. You represent the scum of the earth. Live with your own lies and may cyber sex fill all your fantasies.

 

NEVER contact me again or the hard copy nude pics of you in my possession will accompany your wife to divorce court.

 

Never yours again,

I can't even sign my name to this...it's all too painful and I am sorry I even fell for a ****ER**** such as yourself.

 

Oh yeah....keep in mind this will be posted on every forum I am a member of. It's MY WAY of helping those who believe the foolish lies of men like you. I HOPE it doesn't compromise you or OH GAWD DAMMIT.....your wife may run across it. The thought of me causing you pain is so hard for me.