Im lost....

[JOT713]

The last hang up………..

7 years ago, I met a woman online, “Misere”. She was a newlywed at the time, with two small children. I had just recently started experimenting with messenger at that time. I had just recently split up with the mother of my son and was dealing with some medical issues (laryngeal cancer). She was dealing with issues of her own as well. We were like two peas in a pot. We hit it off, chatted for a long some time before we actually even talked on the phone. We would fight and argue from time to time. I felt, something special for her, but not really and entirely understanding what it was exactly I felt, I kept it to myself. I don’t really remember the circumstances back then, but we stopped talking. I know the disagreement or fight was bad, because we stopped talking. She deleted her account, left no trace of her; it was almost as if she had fallen off the face of the earth. And although life went on, I always thought of her. Always remembered her no matter where I was in my life.

Sixteen months, sometime in August, through one of the networking forums; she found me. She had emailed me sometime in April and I had not noticed until August. When I saw her email, I froze. I was in disbelief and in total shock. The surprise was pleasant. I immediately opened her email and read it…a few times, before I actually went to view her profile. I remember the sensation I felt going through my body and the nervousness I felt as I replied to her. After that night, I logged in every day and every night in hopes of finding a response. After sometime, a few weeks it seemed, I finally saw she had logged on. I can’t help but feel that same emotion as I’m writing this; we logged on to messenger and started a conversation that left a huge imprint in my thoughts. It was as if all of the sudden, time had stopped but only for a few seconds. And it picked up, again, right there and at that moment. As if all those years had not passed us by. We agreed we would talk that night. I gave her my number and waited anxiously to hear her voice. We talked for hours. But those hours, felt like seconds. Before I knew it, it was time for me to go to the office. We continued communicating, phone calls, emails, text messages. A few things had changed in her life. But she still continued married to the same person. We talked about everything, we laughed, and we reminisced, and caught on to the time that had passed us by.

Our relationship, continued to grow and with the weeks, I shortly started to feel so much for her, again. I missed her when I didn’t hear her. I missed her at every moment. August passed us by, and by the end of September, I started to realize, that I was falling in love with her. By October, October 19th to be exact, I confessed my love to her. I never knew, I could fall in love the way I felt and fell for her. It was unexplainable. But, she reciprocated the feeling. My heart, never felt more alive than that day.

My life was not perfect, whose is. And during the few months that we started to talk, she explained to me how her relationship was with her husband. He had pretty much left her alone. She slept down stairs and he upstairs…in separate rooms. We continued, every night..If not on the phone then it was on messenger, always in contact communication with each other. I loved being able to tell her how much I loved her. How I needed her and missed her. We developed, I think and hope, trust in each other. Sometime in November, she asked me for help. As she had no employment, no support from her husband, and little help from her mother; she came to me asked if I could loan her some money. I was offended. I didn’t feel award. I just did it. Without expecting anything in return or thinking twice about it. It made me feel good, that she felt comfortable enough to seek me out when she needed the help. During this time, she was transitioning employment. Sometime in November, her husband starting coming around and things began getting somewhat complicated. Nonetheless, things continued and when she began working, things took a different toll. We would argue from time to time. Many times she would hang up on me and reject my calls after arguments. During those arguments, she would accuse me of lying to her because she felt I was with someone, When, all along I had been single and with no commitments to anyone. Of course, I would have my moments of temporary insanity. My jealousy and insecurities would kick in and they would take a life of its own. I remember her going out and a few occasions with some of her co workers and me disliking the thought of her going out. I figured, if I’m a man, and not going out and staying true to her why couldn’t she do the same. Before we knew it, Christmas came around. I went shopping for her. I bought her a snow glove with a heart inside of it and a key. Corny, I know. Her husband, in all his right, became extremely adamant in working things out with her. And many times, I felt myself losing her. Christmas Eve and Christmas day were hard. She spent those days with him and me, with my relatives. Christmas day, she told me the father of her children had proposed for them to have another baby. Things between her and I were rocky. Yet, I knew what I felt for her was real. I thought if she loves me and I love her why not be together. Before New Year’s came, I told her to leave her husband and move out with me, I asked her to marry me. That she was the one for me. The one I wanted to be with and live my life with. Of course, this was done via text as we weren’t able to communicate over the phone and still not able to see each other in person. She wasn’t ready and I had promised her not pressure her. She started spending more time with him. I remember her telling me how she would be with him watching TV with the kids. Giving him time and that just made me feel as if they were ripping my spine out. I know, I know I knew she was married. But still. The fact she had told me there was nothing between them and know this was going on made me feel uneasy. A few nights later, she told me she was going out with him. I literally went off the roof. And as she left with him I decided to get out of the house as well. I drove to the pier, and went for a drink. I sat at the bar of this place, listening to my IPOD, like a teenager, and ordered a drink. With my eyes watery, feeling despair, hurt. It was almost as if I was agonizing. She would text me on and off when she was able to get away to use the ladies room. I couldn’t understand why…why I could feel this way, knowing all along she was married, and this would and could happen. She told me she would me text me when she got home. But I never heard from her. I came home. Laid in the living room, wide awake until the early hours of the morning thinking the worse. The following morning, she told me she had stayed in the bathroom for hours, waiting for him to fall sleep because he would not leave her alone. New Year’s came. And I spent it…with her, on the phone. She continued working in place she was not very happy at. And I would try to comfort her with my words. I would send her flowers nearly every day. Hoping they would brighten her day and the sight of them would remind her of me. When her birthday came around, I went crazy; flowers, balloons, cake, wine. I think UPS and Fed ex had not delivered so many items for just one person in that place. I wanted to make her feel special. I wanted to make her feel the way she made me feel. And I would try to do things small things here and there. I remember, shortly before Valentine’s Day, I bought her a phone and purse. I just, wanted to spoil her. My insecurities and jealousy only made me possessive, impulsive; all those feelings would just play games with my mind. During that time, I was so eager to talk her as I had not heard from her all day. I called and called. Texted her with no response and of course, my thoughts only made me think she was her husband. I called her car phone as a last resort, not knowing her son was with her. And things went south from that moment. She was so upset, and with just cause, she felt I was “hunting her down”, which now, with time I realize I was. Later that evening, she decided to call things off with me and told me she was going to work things out with her husband. That she was going to go out. Drink and go to a hotel with him. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. I tried calling her through the night. I texted and emailed her with no response. Begging and pleading for her not to do that. She always told me how she had fallen out of love with him because of the things he had done to her. My despair and my hurt took over me.

Early that morning, after I had been texting her, she responded. I remember questioning her and asking if she had any kind of intimacy with him. I remember her responding and telling me he had fallen sleep and nothing had happened. But that she had full intention of going through with it. This was a day before Valentine’s Day 2009. My level of patience and tolerance with her were extreme. As extreme as my irrational behavior. After February, things got a little better for us. She left the office she was working at and sought out employment again. But for whatever the reason, we continued with arguments here and there. One night, a day before an interview, I worked the courage to ask her not to work and told her I would take care of her. I offered to give her the salary she was making at her previous employment, that way, she could stay have more times for her boys and of course, me. After much insistence from me, she agreed. And I began helping her financially. Many couldn’t understand why, why I would help someone who I had not been with, not even for a minute; financially. My response was that it was because I was in love with her. And I wanted to provide for her and take care of her. In the past, we had talked about her moving out. I told her I would get her a place and pay for the expenses. Finally, in mid may she gave in. This was after weeks of having arguments and fights with the father of her children. I honestly wanted to see her out of that place. I saw myself relocating to another state for her. I didn’t care were we went as long as I could be with her. Because things were getting somewhat difficult, and her husband had threatened to physically hurt her, her mother began spending the nights with her. She began looking for an apartment, something for her and her boys. But, everything she looked for was unavailable or not close enough to the school her children attended. Her mother suggested purchasing a house and with time, we reconsidered the idea of the apartment and thought of leasing a house. The plan was for me to move out there rent a place while she situated herself in the house and the children got used to seeing me around before moving in. This time, would also give us the time to “date” each other and get to know one another since our relationship had been through phone and computer. She finally found a house. One she liked. But, the only thing that did not set right with me was that this house was just a few blocks from where she resided with her husband. I remember the day she told me about the house. She wanted to have everything done that day. She emailed me the application. All I needed to do was sign and provide my financials. I don’t know if it was my insecurities or uncertainties with the location of house, but we got into an argument. I was at the office. I filled out the application in a very unprofessional way and had failed to submit the financial proof to her. The deadline she had set to provide the paperwork, passed us by because of me and my inability to properly explain to her why I did not want that house and instead. That was the day that things began to change for us. That night, we argued. She felt I had left her when she needed me the most. This, I feel, is when she lost respect for me. I tried explaining my reasons to her. But they weren’t good enough. She couldn’t understand how I could be okay with her being under the same roof with him but not a few blocks away. To this day, I still can’t explain it to her. However, after hours of a very emotional conversation, we patched things up and tried to move forward. I would give her extra money so she could take the kids out for pizza, go karts, anything to try to make up. A few weeks later, she told me she wanted to go out of town for a couple of days with the kids. I thought it was a good idea and I told her to plan it. A few days away not only turned into a week but also into a trip that included her mother and siblings, and me funding for them as well. Perhaps, I’m frugal, like she called me that night but since she wanted to go SA, a few hours away; I had anticipated giving her 2500 for the trip. I remember that night, it was bad. She told me she had anticipated at least and at minimum 3500 dollars from me. There came a moment, where I felt we were in a flea market, bargaining how much I would give her for the trip. We got into it, because I felt it was unfair for me to have to pay for her mother and siblings. After all, it was her and the boys I needed to make things up too. At a point, I suggested they took that trip in her mother’s vehicle, but that turned out to an insult. At the end, I gave in. Told her I would give her the 3500 dollars and would help her mother with half of the hotel rental. A few days later, I decided to head to the bank and deposit her some money so she could start booking the hotel. As I was in line at the bank, texting back and forward with her, I had mentioned I would deposit 2500 dollars and the rest before she left. She got upset. Irate at the fact that I was doing the deposit the way I was. She called things off with me. And even with her calling things off with me, I decided to deposit 500 dollars so that she would have some money. She was upset at what I had done. And I asked for her to explain to me how she could expect for me to deposit anymore after she was calling things off. Later that day, we talked. She told me she had talked to kid’s dad… and said that he would be requesting time off… to take that trip with them. I felt betrayed. Yes, I know.. Not once have I mentioned how this other man may have felt knowing or not, about the emotional involvement Misere and I were having. However, I went ahead, and told her to call him and tell him he was not going. I told her I would give her the money. And I did. But, still, being as stubborn as I am, I did not deposit the entire amount, instead, I deposited 3000. Called her from the parking lot at the bank, and told I would deposit the remaining 500 when I knew he was not going. I remember how upset that made her. To the point, that she told me that he was already working on getting the time off and that she would not tell him otherwise until I gave her the balance. Otherwise, she would leave on that trip with the money I gave her and take him with her. She had me on a timer…counting down the time before they closed the bank and as she wouldn’t budge neither did I. until finally she told me she would go with him. I remember telling her that if she did, I would call to tell him were that money came from, as he did not entirely know of my existence and was only suspicious. Her words, took such an effect on me that I lost all touch with reality, I stopped thinking and rationalizing. I threatened her with calling and texting him to tell him how I was the one providing her financial support. And the more she went into the detail about leaving with him on the trip, changing her number, and cutting off all ties with me I grew desperate to the point where I finally lost control and messaged him. Sending her all the messages I had sent him. Before I knew it, I had made the biggest mistake I could have. Not measuring the consequences of what my actions could have brought. Out of spite and anger I not only told him things that were true but also things that weren’t. After a few hours, her mother sent me a message asking me not to send Miserene’s husband messages. I had tainted her as a woman, instilling the worse doubt any person can put into a man. I called her mother. Explained everything to her at that time, her words did not seem biased. She told me how we were both wrong. And how a person’s words can have an effect on the actions of others. She explained to me how her daughter did not realize that. I knew what I had done was wrong. But it was too late to do anything about it. Except apologize, once again. But I wasn’t able too as Miserene had already blocked my calls and messages. I went on desperate drinking frenzy for a few days. I felt despair. I felt lost and ashamed of what I had done. We were able to move forward from this, of course after a few days and as expected things were not quite well. Later that week, since the trip she was originally going to take fell due to what I had done, she explained to me how her in-laws had planned a trip to SD and asked if it was ok for her and the kids to go. With everything I had done, I felt I was in no position to say no. As the date for the trip got closer, and with one day before leaving; she told me that during the trip she would not be communicating with me, 7 days of no communication. The very though, drove me up the wall. I felt like I was paying her to cease communication with me. Knowing or having an idea of where she would be, I decided to drive up to SD with a few friends, in hopes of finding her. But realistically speaking, this was like finding a needle in a hay stack. I received call from her during that time, we were in the same town… and I begged her.. Pleaded that she would tell me where she was staying. But she refused. I felt helpless and hopeless, perhaps the same way she felt when I didn’t pull through with the house. Sitting on a rock near the shore of the beach, I talked to her, and I began to cry, as she told me how much she loved me. How thankful she was to me for allowing her and her kids to take this trip. And told me, that knowing we were just minutes away, made her feel so much closer to me, made her love me even more. All I could do was just let tears roll off my eyes, they were tears filled with anger. Not being able to understand how she could be so contempt with knowing we were just minutes away and not disclose to me where she was. I was full of rage. The night ended…. She went to bed….and I looked for a hotel. Still, not letting go of the idea of finding her, I know…it may sound crazy..And well.. Pathetic as if I was a stalker, obsessed. Who knows. The next day she gave me hints and clues, unknowingly. Part of me wanted to know where she was so I could see her and other part of me to make sure she was there without the father of her kids. But not once did she budge. After asking around and calling every hotel I could possibly think off… I realized where she was. And went in search…with no luck. Still to this day I wonder if she was really there. As she was reluctant to show me pictures of the trip. July and September passed us by. I still continued to make plans with her, so we could pick up with the plans for the house. A few months back, before the trip, I had mentioned to her, that I had been feeling discomfort in my throat again. But we never discussed again thereafter. At times, she would ask me, if I would tell her the truth in the event that I was sick. And always I would tell her yes. In mid September, I came out of remission. I kept this to myself. Hid it from her up until early January. I didn’t want to tell her I was sick. I didn’t want her to feel that because of this, she would not be able to depend on me financially, emotionally or in any other way. I was scared; she would turn away from me, not wanting to deal with a sick person. So, I started my treatment in silence. Pretending to feel okay and lying to her about small things. But slowly, you could start to see that there was something wrong physically. I started losing my appetite, losing weight and getting depressed. We had planned to see each other on October 31st. But during an argument, she told me I was crazy if I thought she would see me. So I cancelled my flight out to her. And on that day, she was upset, because I was not there. I remember crying, telling her how much I needed her. I continued, being the same person with her… however, there were some things I had not told her. I had lied to her about communicating with her mother. This was something she had wanted to avoid. I sought her mother out, after the trip. I looked to her for advice to find some way to do things for her daughter. Who better than her mother, but that in itself was a mistake. My level of frustration was high. I was not able to perform to my highest capacity professionally, but how could I share this with her… when I wasn’t brave enough to tell her what was going on with me. November came and went. But it left with a bulletin: in which she told me she was giving me a deadline, to get the house. To get her out of there. We continued to fight and argue. Disrespecting each other, me; making threats against the father of her kids (I know…it was wrong). She found words that would rip the very existence of me. One night, during a fight, she told me how much she hated me. Told me she didn’t love me. And told me she wished I would die soon. With everything that was already going on. I did the stupidest thing any person could do, and without thinking… and just feeling hurt, ended up in the hospital. Perhaps I’m just unstable, mentally and emotionally. Throughout the time with her, the mistakes I made; I never denied responsibility and always gave a sincere apology. I know apologies don’t mend things and don’t mean anything when we make the mistakes consistently. I had lied to her about small things.. Wouldn’t admit the truth to her when she would confront me with it. Not because I’m a pathological liar as she would call me, but simply out of embarrassment. Because of all the things I did and the inactions I had, I placed myself in a situation where I was insulted, not every day. Every day was not bad. But there were days were I could not hold my ground and I would engage and follow her lead. Even after everything we had done, said, experienced, I still wanted to work things and be with her. And so, again, we embarked on the journey of finding a home. And during a fight, out of frustration or what it may be, she texted the father of her children and told him she was no longer in love with him. That she did not love him. And that she wanted to be with me. That she had no stopped communicating with me. That I continued to help her financially. I paid for her to stay at a hotel for a couple of days on and off since things were tense in her home. One day, she decided to talk to her husband’s sister. And laid all her cards over the table tearing and shredding all ties to his family. With everything that was happening, I decided that I needed to see her, in person, talk to her and tell her everything; so that we could move on. But I wasn’t sure if she would. So a few days before Christmas I decided to go to her…and drove and drove. I was so sure of myself. Full of courage and determination. But once I got there, I was not able to confront her. To see her. Show her how real I am. All the fear I had felt took over me. I know, I’m a coward. She knew I was going to drive to her. And she had told me she would request for a key to be given to me. This would have been the very first time we would have seen each other. I remember pulling into the parking lot, and not being able to move forward, instead. Why and how can fear take control of us this way? I can’t explain it. I broke her heart with this. She was devastated. Christmas Eve was worse, I nearly left ….drove back… and yet again we continued to argue. To cry. To feel hurt by each other. On Christmas day, after I had driven by her house and we had already made plans to see meet, with her kids…at a hotel.. I parked outside her house. Waived at her, and I remember seeing her standing there… the most beautiful woman my eyes had ever seen, I waived at her and drove away.. She later called me and asked what was going on. Said…I looked different. That it was not me…god! The feeling just hit me like bucket of cold water. She went off on me..again.. And of course, I did the same…I looked for the highway…and decided to head back home. After a few hours… she realized I was driving back home. She sent me a few text messages…that made me feel weak…out of breath…and we agreed…again… that I would drive back and we would meet. She told me not to worry …that everything would be ok. But something in me told me it wouldn’t. So I drove… to rent a hotel room for and the kids. I don’t know if it was the medication.. My nerves or my fears… But I ended up asking a lady to me the favor of booking the hotel room for me, offered her some cash.. As I stood outside hurling over some rocks. When Miserere got there… I never made it out of the car. We played marry go around in the parking lot. For nearly an hour. I asked her, to go into the hotel room and wait for me. So I could compose myself. But she refused. Until finally… she decided to get out of the car … but not before giving me a piece of her mind. Appearances aren’t important… but when you have dropped a considerable amount of weight… and your reflection shows a lack of good health..Then you worry. Especially since I had not been forthcoming about my health. She went into the hotel room… and I drove for a bit hoping to calm my nerves. And got a phone call …she left a message… telling me I was the woman who had paid for her room. Ugghhh….of all things. I explained to her what had happened when I got there. But still, being as stubborn as she is… she still wanted to believe otherwise. I guess she was right when she would tell me “don’t do bad things that seem good or good things that seem bad”. Still through all this time, my communication with her mother continued. She, as well as others repeatedly told me to leave her. But I didn’t. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. What I feel for her, is much stronger than anything I have ever felt for anyone. I drove back home. After everything she had told me, I honestly did not know how to walk/drive back to that hotel room. The whole way back home all I could do was just think of her. I called her early in the morning and all she could tell me was to tell her the truth that she would understand because she fell in love with the person I had been with her. Her words told and showed me nothing disbelief in the man I am. I wanted so much to turn back and go to her. But I just didn’t know how. Things after that were bad. Yet another thing I had done to her. By New Year’s Day, the father of her kids practically threw her out of the house. Not letting her take the kids. She called me. We talked and I repeatedly told her to go get a hotel room that I would wire her money so she could stay there and for her to pick up the kids. That night, after having a mixture of feelings; both courage and fear, I decided to tell her the truth without holding back. More than anything, she was upset with the news. Upset at the fact that I had not told her, her, the woman I wanted to spend my life with. I gave her my reasons, and she explained that all the time we had spent she had made it seem as if appearances where important to cover herself. I guess, I will never understand the vanity of woman, because to me, she’s simply perfect. She wanted to stay at a hotel, until we got the house. Renting a hotel room for a few weeks seems like a good idea. The only problem was that all banks were closed, as it was holiday new years. She felt I had sent her back packing with the kids. Back to the home she did not want to return. Again she called things off. She would ignore my calls and messages and whenever she responded. It was only to say hurtful things. We managed yet again to try and move past it. But things just weren’t working out right. I was adamant about not losing her. But things just continued to be against us. Her mother would advise me to find a house first. To let her cool down every time she would get upset. Before her birthday came around, more fights and arguments. Many of which I was blamed for, but in reality, they were all arguments based on the past yet she continued to blame me for them. I had made plans to fly out to see her and in a moment of anger, she told me she was going out with her friends that she would be going out to bar to find herself a real man. And told me to go off and hire myself a nurse to take care of me because she did not want to deal with me. That day, she had thrown the biggest tantrum ever, because I had not gone to the bank to deposit money. I didn’t fly in and she ended up having dinner with her boys. Valentine’s Day went down the drain as well. Again, my fault. I just can seem to understand. Perhaps I’m wrong. Somebody please tell me! I sent her flowers, she took and received them. I had placed the order a few days before Valentine’s Day. But as always, the fighting (I feel, both of our faults) continued. … And the same speech from her birthday. I called and texted her all day. Emailed her as well without a single response. Not one. Not until almost 11 o’clock. I sat in my living room thinking she was out with someone else. And she had told me she was. She blocked my calls that night after we exchanged words. A few days later, after my begging.. She unblocked me. A few more days later…again… blocked. Two nights ago, after some texting… I asked her if she could forgive me for everything I had done. And she told me she couldn’t. After taking some time to take that in. I texted her back, and asked her if she wanted to call things completely off. She told me no. It gave me some hope. But, and uneasy feeling still remained in me. Yesterday, we exchanged no more than 4 text messages. A few hours later, I realized she had blocked my calls and messages. I found my way and managed to call and leave her a message. Asking her why she was doing this. I know, after everything I have done, it’s not a question to ask. Later that day, she told me she has posted this situation on site. Where everyone told her to leave me, not to give me another chance, and that I had used her. She said all those words she received from strangers were what motivated her and she told me we should move on. It’s the worse feeling over, to know the person you love just wants to move on without you.

I asked her to remove the block; I called her from another number. And she did. She finally stepped out of the house so we could talk. But every time I try to talk to her, she tells me it’s nothing new. That is the same thing said just reworded. We talked for a few hours. I heard nothing but insults and after a while I started to lose my temper and patience, cursing left and right. Not directed at her, but so much frustration builds up. In Christmas, we bought her two small children cell phones. One of them is on my plan. During those moments where she would block me, I made the poor decision of trying to contact her son to get to her. I texted him. Called him, asking him to have his mother call me. The kids know of me. They know I’m the one that helps their mom, pays their cell phone bills, cable…etc.

At a given point, I would take care of everything that belonged to her. The last two months, I have lost that drive. It’s not because she tells me the truth about the things I have done. There have been times that even when she’s been mad I have taken care of her bills. But lately, it hasn’t. I do feel bad. After all, I told her she could depend on me. Last night, I think..Was the last night we are going to talk. The more I asked her to forgive me and work things out with me, the more she turned me away and insulted me. She’s used my health against me with words. Degrading me. It got to a point last night… that when she told me I was just a pile of worthless bones, I sat, frozen and I told her to stop contacting me. Just out of nowhere I told her not to call me anymore. And I turned off my cell phone. I have not turned it back on since. It remains off. I’m scared to turn it on. I’m scared of what messages may come up on that screen. I know that I am in love with her. And even though ive told her not to contact me, I do not want things to be over. I’m tired of begging her. Of pleading with her. Of trying to figure out when “no” means yes. I’ve tried to understand how she wants me to show her actions when her words might show me she hates me. Even if it is in a moment of anger. I know I have not been perfect with her. I have been far from that. I let her down, I contacted her husband in a moment of despair and spite, fell threw on plans on a home with her, made friends with her mother; and made her feel betrayed, contacted her children. And I stopped being the man I once was with her.

So now I sit here in silence. Looking at time. Feeling empty. Lonely. Worthless. Wanting to hear her voice. Her words, telling me we can move past this. I know we both have said so many things, hurtful things. And I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do. She’s blocked my calls once again. I haven’t even tried contacting her in another way. I don’t know if I should let things be. Or find a way to her heart once again.

 

I had a voicemail..I finally heard it a few mins ago. “ It said, call me before I go home. If I go home. I won’t call you anymore. I know why im telling you you this.”

I wish, right now, I would of left the phone one. Taken her call. After hearing that voicemail. I decided to turn my phone on. As im writing this Im looking at the phone screen looking for messages to come up… my heart is beating hard and fast. Honestly, Im scared. And the first things I see come up is….” F u then!!!! Never again!!!!” ………………………. The messages continue to come in. She wanted to know if Still love her. And accused me, of being out with someone or talking/texting someone else. Told me that “this” was exactly what she needed to get over me. That stranger are right about me. I called her, a few minutes ago. Left her a voicemail… tried to call her again…but she had already changed her number.

 

………….im lost.

[hoping2heal]

The last hang up………..

7 years ago, I met a woman online, “Misere”. She was a newlywed at the time, with two small children. I had just recently started experimenting with messenger at that time. I had just recently split up with the mother of my son and was dealing with some medical issues (laryngeal cancer). She was dealing with issues of her own as well. We were like two peas in a pot. We hit it off, chatted for a long some time before we actually even talked on the phone. We would fight and argue from time to time. I felt, something special for her, but not really and entirely understanding what it was exactly I felt, I kept it to myself. I don’t really remember the circumstances back then, but we stopped talking. I know the disagreement or fight was bad, because we stopped talking. She deleted her account, left no trace of her; it was almost as if she had fallen off the face of the earth. And although life went on, I always thought of her. Always remembered her no matter where I was in my life.

Sixteen months, sometime in August, through one of the networking forums; she found me. She had emailed me sometime in April and I had not noticed until August. When I saw her email, I froze. I was in disbelief and in total shock. The surprise was pleasant. I immediately opened her email and read it…a few times, before I actually went to view her profile. I remember the sensation I felt going through my body and the nervousness I felt as I replied to her. After that night, I logged in every day and every night in hopes of finding a response. After sometime, a few weeks it seemed, I finally saw she had logged on. I can’t help but feel that same emotion as I’m writing this; we logged on to messenger and started a conversation that left a huge imprint in my thoughts. It was as if all of the sudden, time had stopped but only for a few seconds. And it picked up, again, right there and at that moment. As if all those years had not passed us by. We agreed we would talk that night. I gave her my number and waited anxiously to hear her voice. We talked for hours. But those hours, felt like seconds. Before I knew it, it was time for me to go to the office. We continued communicating, phone calls, emails, text messages. A few things had changed in her life. But she still continued married to the same person. We talked about everything, we laughed, and we reminisced, and caught on to the time that had passed us by.

Our relationship, continued to grow and with the weeks, I shortly started to feel so much for her, again. I missed her when I didn’t hear her. I missed her at every moment. August passed us by, and by the end of September, I started to realize, that I was falling in love with her. By October, October 19th to be exact, I confessed my love to her. I never knew, I could fall in love the way I felt and fell for her. It was unexplainable. But, she reciprocated the feeling. My heart, never felt more alive than that day.

My life was not perfect, whose is. And during the few months that we started to talk, she explained to me how her relationship was with her husband. He had pretty much left her alone. She slept down stairs and he upstairs…in separate rooms. We continued, every night..If not on the phone then it was on messenger, always in contact communication with each other. I loved being able to tell her how much I loved her. How I needed her and missed her. We developed, I think and hope, trust in each other. Sometime in November, she asked me for help. As she had no employment, no support from her husband, and little help from her mother; she came to me asked if I could loan her some money. I was offended. I didn’t feel award. I just did it. Without expecting anything in return or thinking twice about it. It made me feel good, that she felt comfortable enough to seek me out when she needed the help. During this time, she was transitioning employment. Sometime in November, her husband starting coming around and things began getting somewhat complicated. Nonetheless, things continued and when she began working, things took a different toll. We would argue from time to time. Many times she would hang up on me and reject my calls after arguments. During those arguments, she would accuse me of lying to her because she felt I was with someone, When, all along I had been single and with no commitments to anyone. Of course, I would have my moments of temporary insanity. My jealousy and insecurities would kick in and they would take a life of its own. I remember her going out and a few occasions with some of her co workers and me disliking the thought of her going out. I figured, if I’m a man, and not going out and staying true to her why couldn’t she do the same. Before we knew it, Christmas came around. I went shopping for her. I bought her a snow glove with a heart inside of it and a key. Corny, I know. Her husband, in all his right, became extremely adamant in working things out with her. And many times, I felt myself losing her. Christmas Eve and Christmas day were hard. She spent those days with him and me, with my relatives. Christmas day, she told me the father of her children had proposed for them to have another baby. Things between her and I were rocky. Yet, I knew what I felt for her was real. I thought if she loves me and I love her why not be together. Before New Year’s came, I told her to leave her husband and move out with me, I asked her to marry me. That she was the one for me. The one I wanted to be with and live my life with. Of course, this was done via text as we weren’t able to communicate over the phone and still not able to see each other in person. She wasn’t ready and I had promised her not pressure her. She started spending more time with him. I remember her telling me how she would be with him watching TV with the kids. Giving him time and that just made me feel as if they were ripping my spine out. I know, I know I knew she was married. But still. The fact she had told me there was nothing between them and know this was going on made me feel uneasy. A few nights later, she told me she was going out with him. I literally went off the roof. And as she left with him I decided to get out of the house as well. I drove to the pier, and went for a drink. I sat at the bar of this place, listening to my IPOD, like a teenager, and ordered a drink. With my eyes watery, feeling despair, hurt. It was almost as if I was agonizing. She would text me on and off when she was able to get away to use the ladies room. I couldn’t understand why…why I could feel this way, knowing all along she was married, and this would and could happen. She told me she would me text me when she got home. But I never heard from her. I came home. Laid in the living room, wide awake until the early hours of the morning thinking the worse. The following morning, she told me she had stayed in the bathroom for hours, waiting for him to fall sleep because he would not leave her alone. New Year’s came. And I spent it…with her, on the phone. She continued working in place she was not very happy at. And I would try to comfort her with my words. I would send her flowers nearly every day. Hoping they would brighten her day and the sight of them would remind her of me. When her birthday came around, I went crazy; flowers, balloons, cake, wine. I think UPS and Fed ex had not delivered so many items for just one person in that place. I wanted to make her feel special. I wanted to make her feel the way she made me feel. And I would try to do things small things here and there. I remember, shortly before Valentine’s Day, I bought her a phone and purse. I just, wanted to spoil her. My insecurities and jealousy only made me possessive, impulsive; all those feelings would just play games with my mind. During that time, I was so eager to talk her as I had not heard from her all day. I called and called. Texted her with no response and of course, my thoughts only made me think she was her husband. I called her car phone as a last resort, not knowing her son was with her. And things went south from that moment. She was so upset, and with just cause, she felt I was “hunting her down”, which now, with time I realize I was. Later that evening, she decided to call things off with me and told me she was going to work things out with her husband. That she was going to go out. Drink and go to a hotel with him. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. I tried calling her through the night. I texted and emailed her with no response. Begging and pleading for her not to do that. She always told me how she had fallen out of love with him because of the things he had done to her. My despair and my hurt took over me.

Early that morning, after I had been texting her, she responded. I remember questioning her and asking if she had any kind of intimacy with him. I remember her responding and telling me he had fallen sleep and nothing had happened. But that she had full intention of going through with it. This was a day before Valentine’s Day 2009. My level of patience and tolerance with her were extreme. As extreme as my irrational behavior. After February, things got a little better for us. She left the office she was working at and sought out employment again. But for whatever the reason, we continued with arguments here and there. One night, a day before an interview, I worked the courage to ask her not to work and told her I would take care of her. I offered to give her the salary she was making at her previous employment, that way, she could stay have more times for her boys and of course, me. After much insistence from me, she agreed. And I began helping her financially. Many couldn’t understand why, why I would help someone who I had not been with, not even for a minute; financially. My response was that it was because I was in love with her. And I wanted to provide for her and take care of her. In the past, we had talked about her moving out. I told her I would get her a place and pay for the expenses. Finally, in mid may she gave in. This was after weeks of having arguments and fights with the father of her children. I honestly wanted to see her out of that place. I saw myself relocating to another state for her. I didn’t care were we went as long as I could be with her. Because things were getting somewhat difficult, and her husband had threatened to physically hurt her, her mother began spending the nights with her. She began looking for an apartment, something for her and her boys. But, everything she looked for was unavailable or not close enough to the school her children attended. Her mother suggested purchasing a house and with time, we reconsidered the idea of the apartment and thought of leasing a house. The plan was for me to move out there rent a place while she situated herself in the house and the children got used to seeing me around before moving in. This time, would also give us the time to “date” each other and get to know one another since our relationship had been through phone and computer. She finally found a house. One she liked. But, the only thing that did not set right with me was that this house was just a few blocks from where she resided with her husband. I remember the day she told me about the house. She wanted to have everything done that day. She emailed me the application. All I needed to do was sign and provide my financials. I don’t know if it was my insecurities or uncertainties with the location of house, but we got into an argument. I was at the office. I filled out the application in a very unprofessional way and had failed to submit the financial proof to her. The deadline she had set to provide the paperwork, passed us by because of me and my inability to properly explain to her why I did not want that house and instead. That was the day that things began to change for us. That night, we argued. She felt I had left her when she needed me the most. This, I feel, is when she lost respect for me. I tried explaining my reasons to her. But they weren’t good enough. She couldn’t understand how I could be okay with her being under the same roof with him but not a few blocks away. To this day, I still can’t explain it to her. However, after hours of a very emotional conversation, we patched things up and tried to move forward. I would give her extra money so she could take the kids out for pizza, go karts, anything to try to make up. A few weeks later, she told me she wanted to go out of town for a couple of days with the kids. I thought it was a good idea and I told her to plan it. A few days away not only turned into a week but also into a trip that included her mother and siblings, and me funding for them as well. Perhaps, I’m frugal, like she called me that night but since she wanted to go SA, a few hours away; I had anticipated giving her 2500 for the trip. I remember that night, it was bad. She told me she had anticipated at least and at minimum 3500 dollars from me. There came a moment, where I felt we were in a flea market, bargaining how much I would give her for the trip. We got into it, because I felt it was unfair for me to have to pay for her mother and siblings. After all, it was her and the boys I needed to make things up too. At a point, I suggested they took that trip in her mother’s vehicle, but that turned out to an insult. At the end, I gave in. Told her I would give her the 3500 dollars and would help her mother with half of the hotel rental. A few days later, I decided to head to the bank and deposit her some money so she could start booking the hotel. As I was in line at the bank, texting back and forward with her, I had mentioned I would deposit 2500 dollars and the rest before she left. She got upset. Irate at the fact that I was doing the deposit the way I was. She called things off with me. And even with her calling things off with me, I decided to deposit 500 dollars so that she would have some money. She was upset at what I had done. And I asked for her to explain to me how she could expect for me to deposit anymore after she was calling things off. Later that day, we talked. She told me she had talked to kid’s dad… and said that he would be requesting time off… to take that trip with them. I felt betrayed. Yes, I know.. Not once have I mentioned how this other man may have felt knowing or not, about the emotional involvement Misere and I were having. However, I went ahead, and told her to call him and tell him he was not going. I told her I would give her the money. And I did. But, still, being as stubborn as I am, I did not deposit the entire amount, instead, I deposited 3000. Called her from the parking lot at the bank, and told I would deposit the remaining 500 when I knew he was not going. I remember how upset that made her. To the point, that she told me that he was already working on getting the time off and that she would not tell him otherwise until I gave her the balance. Otherwise, she would leave on that trip with the money I gave her and take him with her. She had me on a timer…counting down the time before they closed the bank and as she wouldn’t budge neither did I. until finally she told me she would go with him. I remember telling her that if she did, I would call to tell him were that money came from, as he did not entirely know of my existence and was only suspicious. Her words, took such an effect on me that I lost all touch with reality, I stopped thinking and rationalizing. I threatened her with calling and texting him to tell him how I was the one providing her financial support. And the more she went into the detail about leaving with him on the trip, changing her number, and cutting off all ties with me I grew desperate to the point where I finally lost control and messaged him. Sending her all the messages I had sent him. Before I knew it, I had made the biggest mistake I could have. Not measuring the consequences of what my actions could have brought. Out of spite and anger I not only told him things that were true but also things that weren’t. After a few hours, her mother sent me a message asking me not to send Miserene’s husband messages. I had tainted her as a woman, instilling the worse doubt any person can put into a man. I called her mother. Explained everything to her at that time, her words did not seem biased. She told me how we were both wrong. And how a person’s words can have an effect on the actions of others. She explained to me how her daughter did not realize that. I knew what I had done was wrong. But it was too late to do anything about it. Except apologize, once again. But I wasn’t able too as Miserene had already blocked my calls and messages. I went on desperate drinking frenzy for a few days. I felt despair. I felt lost and ashamed of what I had done. We were able to move forward from this, of course after a few days and as expected things were not quite well. Later that week, since the trip she was originally going to take fell due to what I had done, she explained to me how her in-laws had planned a trip to SD and asked if it was ok for her and the kids to go. With everything I had done, I felt I was in no position to say no. As the date for the trip got closer, and with one day before leaving; she told me that during the trip she would not be communicating with me, 7 days of no communication. The very though, drove me up the wall. I felt like I was paying her to cease communication with me. Knowing or having an idea of where she would be, I decided to drive up to SD with a few friends, in hopes of finding her. But realistically speaking, this was like finding a needle in a hay stack. I received call from her during that time, we were in the same town… and I begged her.. Pleaded that she would tell me where she was staying. But she refused. I felt helpless and hopeless, perhaps the same way she felt when I didn’t pull through with the house. Sitting on a rock near the shore of the beach, I talked to her, and I began to cry, as she told me how much she loved me. How thankful she was to me for allowing her and her kids to take this trip. And told me, that knowing we were just minutes away, made her feel so much closer to me, made her love me even more. All I could do was just let tears roll off my eyes, they were tears filled with anger. Not being able to understand how she could be so contempt with knowing we were just minutes away and not disclose to me where she was. I was full of rage. The night ended…. She went to bed….and I looked for a hotel. Still, not letting go of the idea of finding her, I know…it may sound crazy..And well.. Pathetic as if I was a stalker, obsessed. Who knows. The next day she gave me hints and clues, unknowingly. Part of me wanted to know where she was so I could see her and other part of me to make sure she was there without the father of her kids. But not once did she budge. After asking around and calling every hotel I could possibly think off… I realized where she was. And went in search…with no luck. Still to this day I wonder if she was really there. As she was reluctant to show me pictures of the trip. July and September passed us by. I still continued to make plans with her, so we could pick up with the plans for the house. A few months back, before the trip, I had mentioned to her, that I had been feeling discomfort in my throat again. But we never discussed again thereafter. At times, she would ask me, if I would tell her the truth in the event that I was sick. And always I would tell her yes. In mid September, I came out of remission. I kept this to myself. Hid it from her up until early January. I didn’t want to tell her I was sick. I didn’t want her to feel that because of this, she would not be able to depend on me financially, emotionally or in any other way. I was scared; she would turn away from me, not wanting to deal with a sick person. So, I started my treatment in silence. Pretending to feel okay and lying to her about small things. But slowly, you could start to see that there was something wrong physically. I started losing my appetite, losing weight and getting depressed. We had planned to see each other on October 31st. But during an argument, she told me I was crazy if I thought she would see me. So I cancelled my flight out to her. And on that day, she was upset, because I was not there. I remember crying, telling her how much I needed her. I continued, being the same person with her… however, there were some things I had not told her. I had lied to her about communicating with her mother. This was something she had wanted to avoid. I sought her mother out, after the trip. I looked to her for advice to find some way to do things for her daughter. Who better than her mother, but that in itself was a mistake. My level of frustration was high. I was not able to perform to my highest capacity professionally, but how could I share this with her… when I wasn’t brave enough to tell her what was going on with me. November came and went. But it left with a bulletin: in which she told me she was giving me a deadline, to get the house. To get her out of there. We continued to fight and argue. Disrespecting each other, me; making threats against the father of her kids (I know…it was wrong). She found words that would rip the very existence of me. One night, during a fight, she told me how much she hated me. Told me she didn’t love me. And told me she wished I would die soon. With everything that was already going on. I did the stupidest thing any person could do, and without thinking… and just feeling hurt, ended up in the hospital. Perhaps I’m just unstable, mentally and emotionally. Throughout the time with her, the mistakes I made; I never denied responsibility and always gave a sincere apology. I know apologies don’t mend things and don’t mean anything when we make the mistakes consistently. I had lied to her about small things.. Wouldn’t admit the truth to her when she would confront me with it. Not because I’m a pathological liar as she would call me, but simply out of embarrassment. Because of all the things I did and the inactions I had, I placed myself in a situation where I was insulted, not every day. Every day was not bad. But there were days were I could not hold my ground and I would engage and follow her lead. Even after everything we had done, said, experienced, I still wanted to work things and be with her. And so, again, we embarked on the journey of finding a home. And during a fight, out of frustration or what it may be, she texted the father of her children and told him she was no longer in love with him. That she did not love him. And that she wanted to be with me. That she had no stopped communicating with me. That I continued to help her financially. I paid for her to stay at a hotel for a couple of days on and off since things were tense in her home. One day, she decided to talk to her husband’s sister. And laid all her cards over the table tearing and shredding all ties to his family. With everything that was happening, I decided that I needed to see her, in person, talk to her and tell her everything; so that we could move on. But I wasn’t sure if she would. So a few days before Christmas I decided to go to her…and drove and drove. I was so sure of myself. Full of courage and determination. But once I got there, I was not able to confront her. To see her. Show her how real I am. All the fear I had felt took over me. I know, I’m a coward. She knew I was going to drive to her. And she had told me she would request for a key to be given to me. This would have been the very first time we would have seen each other. I remember pulling into the parking lot, and not being able to move forward, instead. Why and how can fear take control of us this way? I can’t explain it. I broke her heart with this. She was devastated. Christmas Eve was worse, I nearly left ….drove back… and yet again we continued to argue. To cry. To feel hurt by each other. On Christmas day, after I had driven by her house and we had already made plans to see meet, with her kids…at a hotel.. I parked outside her house. Waived at her, and I remember seeing her standing there… the most beautiful woman my eyes had ever seen, I waived at her and drove away.. She later called me and asked what was going on. Said…I looked different. That it was not me…god! The feeling just hit me like bucket of cold water. She went off on me..again.. And of course, I did the same…I looked for the highway…and decided to head back home. After a few hours… she realized I was driving back home. She sent me a few text messages…that made me feel weak…out of breath…and we agreed…again… that I would drive back and we would meet. She told me not to worry …that everything would be ok. But something in me told me it wouldn’t. So I drove… to rent a hotel room for and the kids. I don’t know if it was the medication.. My nerves or my fears… But I ended up asking a lady to me the favor of booking the hotel room for me, offered her some cash.. As I stood outside hurling over some rocks. When Miserere got there… I never made it out of the car. We played marry go around in the parking lot. For nearly an hour. I asked her, to go into the hotel room and wait for me. So I could compose myself. But she refused. Until finally… she decided to get out of the car … but not before giving me a piece of her mind. Appearances aren’t important… but when you have dropped a considerable amount of weight… and your reflection shows a lack of good health..Then you worry. Especially since I had not been forthcoming about my health. She went into the hotel room… and I drove for a bit hoping to calm my nerves. And got a phone call …she left a message… telling me I was the woman who had paid for her room. Ugghhh….of all things. I explained to her what had happened when I got there. But still, being as stubborn as she is… she still wanted to believe otherwise. I guess she was right when she would tell me “don’t do bad things that seem good or good things that seem bad”. Still through all this time, my communication with her mother continued. She, as well as others repeatedly told me to leave her. But I didn’t. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. What I feel for her, is much stronger than anything I have ever felt for anyone. I drove back home. After everything she had told me, I honestly did not know how to walk/drive back to that hotel room. The whole way back home all I could do was just think of her. I called her early in the morning and all she could tell me was to tell her the truth that she would understand because she fell in love with the person I had been with her. Her words told and showed me nothing disbelief in the man I am. I wanted so much to turn back and go to her. But I just didn’t know how. Things after that were bad. Yet another thing I had done to her. By New Year’s Day, the father of her kids practically threw her out of the house. Not letting her take the kids. She called me. We talked and I repeatedly told her to go get a hotel room that I would wire her money so she could stay there and for her to pick up the kids. That night, after having a mixture of feelings; both courage and fear, I decided to tell her the truth without holding back. More than anything, she was upset with the news. Upset at the fact that I had not told her, her, the woman I wanted to spend my life with. I gave her my reasons, and she explained that all the time we had spent she had made it seem as if appearances where important to cover herself. I guess, I will never understand the vanity of woman, because to me, she’s simply perfect. She wanted to stay at a hotel, until we got the house. Renting a hotel room for a few weeks seems like a good idea. The only problem was that all banks were closed, as it was holiday new years. She felt I had sent her back packing with the kids. Back to the home she did not want to return. Again she called things off. She would ignore my calls and messages and whenever she responded. It was only to say hurtful things. We managed yet again to try and move past it. But things just weren’t working out right. I was adamant about not losing her. But things just continued to be against us. Her mother would advise me to find a house first. To let her cool down every time she would get upset. Before her birthday came around, more fights and arguments. Many of which I was blamed for, but in reality, they were all arguments based on the past yet she continued to blame me for them. I had made plans to fly out to see her and in a moment of anger, she told me she was going out with her friends that she would be going out to bar to find herself a real man. And told me to go off and hire myself a nurse to take care of me because she did not want to deal with me. That day, she had thrown the biggest tantrum ever, because I had not gone to the bank to deposit money. I didn’t fly in and she ended up having dinner with her boys. Valentine’s Day went down the drain as well. Again, my fault. I just can seem to understand. Perhaps I’m wrong. Somebody please tell me! I sent her flowers, she took and received them. I had placed the order a few days before Valentine’s Day. But as always, the fighting (I feel, both of our faults) continued. … And the same speech from her birthday. I called and texted her all day. Emailed her as well without a single response. Not one. Not until almost 11 o’clock. I sat in my living room thinking she was out with someone else. And she had told me she was. She blocked my calls that night after we exchanged words. A few days later, after my begging.. She unblocked me. A few more days later…again… blocked. Two nights ago, after some texting… I asked her if she could forgive me for everything I had done. And she told me she couldn’t. After taking some time to take that in. I texted her back, and asked her if she wanted to call things completely off. She told me no. It gave me some hope. But, and uneasy feeling still remained in me. Yesterday, we exchanged no more than 4 text messages. A few hours later, I realized she had blocked my calls and messages. I found my way and managed to call and leave her a message. Asking her why she was doing this. I know, after everything I have done, it’s not a question to ask. Later that day, she told me she has posted this situation on site. Where everyone told her to leave me, not to give me another chance, and that I had used her. She said all those words she received from strangers were what motivated her and she told me we should move on. It’s the worse feeling over, to know the person you love just wants to move on without you.

I asked her to remove the block; I called her from another number. And she did. She finally stepped out of the house so we could talk. But every time I try to talk to her, she tells me it’s nothing new. That is the same thing said just reworded. We talked for a few hours. I heard nothing but insults and after a while I started to lose my temper and patience, cursing left and right. Not directed at her, but so much frustration builds up. In Christmas, we bought her two small children cell phones. One of them is on my plan. During those moments where she would block me, I made the poor decision of trying to contact her son to get to her. I texted him. Called him, asking him to have his mother call me. The kids know of me. They know I’m the one that helps their mom, pays their cell phone bills, cable…etc.

At a given point, I would take care of everything that belonged to her. The last two months, I have lost that drive. It’s not because she tells me the truth about the things I have done. There have been times that even when she’s been mad I have taken care of her bills. But lately, it hasn’t. I do feel bad. After all, I told her she could depend on me. Last night, I think..Was the last night we are going to talk. The more I asked her to forgive me and work things out with me, the more she turned me away and insulted me. She’s used my health against me with words. Degrading me. It got to a point last night… that when she told me I was just a pile of worthless bones, I sat, frozen and I told her to stop contacting me. Just out of nowhere I told her not to call me anymore. And I turned off my cell phone. I have not turned it back on since. It remains off. I’m scared to turn it on. I’m scared of what messages may come up on that screen. I know that I am in love with her. And even though ive told her not to contact me, I do not want things to be over. I’m tired of begging her. Of pleading with her. Of trying to figure out when “no” means yes. I’ve tried to understand how she wants me to show her actions when her words might show me she hates me. Even if it is in a moment of anger. I know I have not been perfect with her. I have been far from that. I let her down, I contacted her husband in a moment of despair and spite, fell threw on plans on a home with her, made friends with her mother; and made her feel betrayed, contacted her children. And I stopped being the man I once was with her.

So now I sit here in silence. Looking at time. Feeling empty. Lonely. Worthless. Wanting to hear her voice. Her words, telling me we can move past this. I know we both have said so many things, hurtful things. And I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do. She’s blocked my calls once again. I haven’t even tried contacting her in another way. I don’t know if I should let things be. Or find a way to her heart once again.

 

I had a voicemail..I finally heard it a few mins ago. “ It said, call me before I go home. If I go home. I won’t call you anymore. I know why im telling you you this.”

I wish, right now, I would of left the phone one. Taken her call. After hearing that voicemail. I decided to turn my phone on. As im writing this Im looking at the phone screen looking for messages to come up… my heart is beating hard and fast. Honestly, Im scared. And the first things I see come up is….” F u then!!!! Never again!!!!” ………………………. The messages continue to come in. She wanted to know if Still love her. And accused me, of being out with someone or talking/texting someone else. Told me that “this” was exactly what she needed to get over me. That stranger are right about me. I called her, a few minutes ago. Left her a voicemail… tried to call her again…but she had already changed her number.

 

………….im lost.

 

Wow. That was some wall of text.

I am not sure I will ever quite understand the dynamic of those who chose to get into affairs. I mean, it kind of seems like shooting yourself in the foot. Most people want to protect themselves from emotional wounds and damage, people who decide to get attatched to an already married person..I mean is that a masochist complex or what..I dont know, it is just asking to have things end badly.

 

Here is the thing, this relationship is completely toxic for you and you most likely on some level were conned. Stop giving money to someone who is so obviously using you and playing you for an idiot. If you want a relationship, form one with someone who is not going to turn your life into an episode of Days of Our Lives. Relationships can still be exciting, fun, and enjoyable without people playing marring psychological games with one another and injecting a ***** ton of drama into the mix.

For all you know, she was never married or never had children. I have seen this happen first hand. My Mom had a close friend who was involved with a man for years, literally years..the only difference is he really WAS married and she never knew it, but he got quite a hefty amount of cash upards of 25K out of her by the time things were said and done and she found out the truth. I think things finally ended after 4 years.

 

He did not have a lot of money and he just used her, well they both did. It was probably the most twisted story I ever heard of from someone I knew IRL, the wife knew what the husband was doing, they BOTH were just scamming this lady. It was bloody nuts. My moms friend was so damaged by that she uprooted and moved away and God only knows where she is now. She has money to spare so can just immobilize at point.

 

Either way, you got used for money, that does not mean her husband knows or yada yada yada but you got used for money, that is what it all boils down too. You need to cut this woman loose and this situation loose.

[JOT713]

She really is married. And there really are kids involved. I know there is many fish out at sea... but the only person I truly care about is her. I decided to write this on here...in hopes of getting some feed back I suppose. Or maybe out of spite, because she told me she had done the same. I feel totally and completely lost. Never, had I given myself emotionally to a woman like I did with her. And with the same token, I dont think I had ever hurt for someone like this. I dont want to loose her. Maybe Im an idiot. But, maybe this all of it is my fault. Like she says. I wrote things... that I know dont make me look good.... But I didnt want to say things just to my convenience.... How do you let go? How do you give up when your heart and mind just doesnt want to let go and still hopes for hope.

[hoping2heal]

She really is married. And there really are kids involved. I know there is many fish out at sea... but the only person I truly care about is her. I decided to write this on here...in hopes of getting some feed back I suppose. Or maybe out of spite, because she told me she had done the same. I feel totally and completely lost. Never, had I given myself emotionally to a woman like I did with her. And with the same token, I dont think I had ever hurt for someone like this. I dont want to loose her. Maybe Im an idiot. But, maybe this all of it is my fault. Like she says. I wrote things... that I know dont make me look good.... But I didnt want to say things just to my convenience.... How do you let go? How do you give up when your heart and mind just doesnt want to let go and still hopes for hope.

 

Op, you mention that you have never cared for others like her. Have you had other serious RS in the past or is this the first time you have been quote on quote in love. You seem to have a lot of money at your disposal. Is that from employment or something like a trust fund.

[JOT713]

I had never truly fallen in love the way I have with her. I have had serious RS in the past. But this time it was different. I own a company and am co owner of another.

[hoping2heal]

I had never truly fallen in love the way I have with her. I have had serious RS in the past. But this time it was different. I own a company and am co owner of another.

 

Okay, so you are capable of having a functional relationship. The reason I asked wether you were the earner of your money or not, is because if you have earned all that money by employment that tells me you at least have some good sense in your head if you are able to at least be employed. Now that I am learning you have a company, if it is successful it would require some intelligence and logical thinking.

 

You may not WANT to let go of this woman, but she is married. She is in a marriage and the relationship you two have, has caused you a lot of stress and anguish. I dont know what your previous RS was like, maybe it is was not all that good. Maybe you were not that close, maybe that is why you would think a tilmultous situation like this is worthwhile.

 

Were you close in your last relationship

[JOT713]

My last relationship, was complicated. As every other i have had. But yes, at some point we were close. We had a daughter, unfortunately, things did not work out.

 

I am not trying to make myself out to be the victim in this story. And I know that I made many mistakes, not once..or twice, but with all the came along the way, I know that do love her. Her marriage is over. I mean, she still lives under the same roof with the father of her children. We both have suffered in this. All I want, really, is to move forward, but with her.

 

I know she loves me. All this time, everything we have been through. I know its my fault, the way things are right now. But after last night. After turning off my phone to avoid any insults, she changed her number today.

The only thing I have left, is to try to call the cell phone i bought for her son. But with my luck she will probably turn the kids phones off.

 

Sometimes we find love in places, we never thought imaginable.

[Lucky_One]

JOT, seriously, you need to find a therapist. You REALLY need to talk with a professional about this.

 

From that huge long story that I struggled through, you met up with a user online. She might be married, she might have kids, she might have a mom, but at the end of the day, she has milked you for thousands of dollars and used like a Bounty paper towel.

 

From her standpoint, I would be freaked out if I went to some hotel and the hotel told me that a woman had paid for my room (which is weird as heck anyway, if you want the truth, and really illogical, as hotels ask for ID, even if you pay cash) instead of the man I was expecting. As such, if you called my kids phone, I would toss the phone and consider taking out a restraining order on you.

 

But honestly, that is me, and she is her. And she and I are obviously way different people, as I wouldn't dream of 1) meeting some stranger from the internet in a hotel room 2) accept a "salary" from some stranger and 3) exposing my children to the same.

 

But really, truly, I think that seeking some professional help for this situation would be best for you. I don't think that LS is the best place for you to get help with this issue.

 

Good luck.

[madjac74]

Well after skimming through all that (In the future try paragraphs) all I see is two selfish people who probably deserve the misery they are caught up in. Maybe you guys should put your own desires aside and think about the kids and husband who are being cheated. I mean what kind of woman would meet a guy at a hotel with her kids especially when she is still married? What are you doing to those kids or do you guys really care? Any mom that would do that is basically the lowest form of smegma.

[hoping2heal]

My last relationship, was complicated. As every other i have had. But yes, at some point we were close. We had a daughter, unfortunately, things did not work out.

 

I am not trying to make myself out to be the victim in this story. And I know that I made many mistakes, not once..or twice, but with all the came along the way, I know that do love her. Her marriage is over. I mean, she still lives under the same roof with the father of her children. We both have suffered in this. All I want, really, is to move forward, but with her.

 

I know she loves me. All this time, everything we have been through. I know its my fault, the way things are right now. But after last night. After turning off my phone to avoid any insults, she changed her number today.

The only thing I have left, is to try to call the cell phone i bought for her son. But with my luck she will probably turn the kids phones off.

 

Sometimes we find love in places, we never thought imaginable.

 

Yes, sometimes we find love in places we never thought imaginable, and sometimes we get into dysfunctional relationships and do things in the name of what we think is love, that we never thought imaginable.

 

What you have described is a total mess. You mentioned all your relationships are complicated. For some reason you seek a high level of dysfunction in your relationships. I would suggest some individual counseling to try and sort out why you seek these kind of situations. There is some reason why you are drawn to this and you are not alone, but it is self destructive.

 

Are you just totally reluctant to accept the possibility that this is a self destructive and damaging situation..I mean you bought a cell phone for her son..how on earth does that get explained to the son that some man, who is not his dad, buys him things and calls for his mom. Not only are the two of you in this havoc, now innocent children are being brought into it. Are any of the adults in this situation capable of putting their own desires aside for two minutes to consider how children will be affected negatively here or what.

[JOT713]

My previous relationship was a mess, she was a few years younger than I. ( sorry for replying late...its been a hard day)

 

I know I stooped low when contacting the kids. She made everyone aware of our relationship. The kids know about me. Perhaps, it is disfunctional. I dont know what to do. I guess there is not much to do anymore. After all this, yesterday and today; I decided it would be best to take a trip and take some time. What ever that time will bring...I ll just let it come.

 

Thank you very much for your observations and your words.

 

Thank you