stodgy Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 My wife and I have been married for 9 years. She has 3 grown kids, I have 2. Last October we went to Fantasy Fest. FF is a place where people get wild, women run around topless and get their bodies painted and everyone gets drunk and has a good time. My wife's family is quite liberal and she shows them pictures from FF. My family is very conservative and would not approve, so I don't show them any pictures or talk about it at all. They know we went, but nothing else. I had eye surgery on Friday and late Thursday night before the surgery my wife posted a picture of me at FF on my Facebook wall. It wasn't a naughty picture, but I was wearing a toga and a boa and looked like I was getting wild and crazy. I didn't find out about it until yesterday (Sunday) and I was furious. In addition to my kids, the majority of my Facebook friends are business acquaintances and friends from high school that I haven't seen for years. I can tell by their postings that most of these people are very conservative. My first thought is that I had done something awful to my wife and she was upset with me and trying to get revenge. I talked to her about it and she said that she thought it was a cute picture and that I'm a fun person and that people needed to get to know the real me. She thinks I'm two faced because I don't want to let conservative people know the real me. I think I'm being considerate of other people's beliefs. In addition, I don't think pictures like this belong on Facebook. I especially don't want business associates to see them. I would never, ever consider posting pictures of her at FF on her FB wall, even if I knew she didn't care. I believe her intent was to embarrass me in front of my kids. She says that's not true, that she just thought the picture was cute. She says my kids think I'm an old stodgy and they need to know the truth. My questions is -- who's right? Am I two-faced, or is my desire to keep what we do in private private?
TigerCub Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I don't think its a question of being 2 faced. I go out and go crazy s**t sometimes with my friends, but would I post pics knowing that my bosses would see it? NO NO NO!!! There's a time & place to be seen as professional & there's a time and place to get crazy - Its not the same time & place though however, I don't think the pic you described is "bad", but I totally see your POV with regards to business associates seeing it. You feel its not the professional persona you want to project to them - I don't think that's 2 faced.
betsssssy Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 It doesn't matter why you choose to keep photos of yourself private, the bottom line is that it's your choice how you present yourself to your friends and loved ones. The problem is not your privacy preferences but her unwillingness to accept your boundaries in this arena. You guys have to find a way to work THAT out.
OWoman Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 My questions is -- who's right? Am I two-faced, or is my desire to keep what we do in private private? Neither is right, and both are. There is such a thing as TMI, and it's really important to consider the appropriateness of such things in their context. My H and I both post pix on FB, but if he is uncomfortable with anything I post there (or vice versa) I will untag him or remove the pic (depending on how uncomfortable he is). The same way I would not want to hear intimate details of my parents' sex lives or see photographs of my colleagues naked, you have obviously considered a boundary overstepped by this photograph being publicly posted, and that needs to be respected. However, if there are photographs of herself she is comfortable posting which do not infringe on your privacy, she should not feel censored from posting those. The "brand" she creates for herself on FB should be one she is comfortable with, and has considered the consequences of. It is not so much a question of being "two faced" IMO as it is of being sensitive to context.
yessy21 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 She was wrong for not asking and your are wrong for not letting people see the real you. so what if you went. If you come out as too conservative your boring. people ...(even conservative) dont like that. block the people from seeing the pictures. you can choose who can view and who cant.
asireen Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 You were correct in this case and your wife was wrong. In society where being politically correct is most of the times important, this could have an adverse effect on your career, work and society. Such activities are looked upon as being on the other side of the fence by many, therefore, best to keep it compartmentalized and share it only with those with same interests. On a personal note, I find it completely okay to visit such places, or nudie bars, or clothing optional beaches, or nudist resorts, etc. But it is best to keep that away from public knowledge.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I think only you have the right to determine if you want your friends/family to know the "real you." She should have checked with you before doing that and you do have the right to be upset by this. I would suggest talking to your wife about it and tell her you don't want pics posted on facebook and ask her never to do that again. Be respectful, but make your boundaries clear on this issue. If she loves you, she will respect them.
hoping2heal Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 My wife and I have been married for 9 years. She has 3 grown kids, I have 2. Last October we went to Fantasy Fest. FF is a place where people get wild, women run around topless and get their bodies painted and everyone gets drunk and has a good time. My wife's family is quite liberal and she shows them pictures from FF. My family is very conservative and would not approve, so I don't show them any pictures or talk about it at all. They know we went, but nothing else. I had eye surgery on Friday and late Thursday night before the surgery my wife posted a picture of me at FF on my Facebook wall. It wasn't a naughty picture, but I was wearing a toga and a boa and looked like I was getting wild and crazy. I didn't find out about it until yesterday (Sunday) and I was furious. In addition to my kids, the majority of my Facebook friends are business acquaintances and friends from high school that I haven't seen for years. I can tell by their postings that most of these people are very conservative. My first thought is that I had done something awful to my wife and she was upset with me and trying to get revenge. I talked to her about it and she said that she thought it was a cute picture and that I'm a fun person and that people needed to get to know the real me. She thinks I'm two faced because I don't want to let conservative people know the real me. I think I'm being considerate of other people's beliefs. In addition, I don't think pictures like this belong on Facebook. I especially don't want business associates to see them. I would never, ever consider posting pictures of her at FF on her FB wall, even if I knew she didn't care. I believe her intent was to embarrass me in front of my kids. She says that's not true, that she just thought the picture was cute. She says my kids think I'm an old stodgy and they need to know the truth. My questions is -- who's right? Am I two-faced, or is my desire to keep what we do in private private? To be honest, I dont quite understand why people feel the need to exploit themselves so much with the use of facebook. It would anger me too if business associates and such saw those things. However, I would not even HAVE business contacts on my facebook to begin with. As for people needing to know the real you, and being two faced..boy that really got me rolling my eyes. I am not going to post photos of me on facebook running around on Sundays in my Undies and dancing to old Madonna music just cause that is the real me. I dont feel the need to and I dont over expose myself via the internet. If anyone needs to know the real me, they can come to my damn house and know me, not through a computer screen. Give me a break! Anyhow, I side with you quite frankly. Those kinds of personal photos should not be aired online without consent.
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Just ask her not to tag you in any photos. She knows how you feel about this, she's wrong to have done what she did. I hope she apologizes to you.
xxoo Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I believe her intent was to embarrass me in front of my kids. She says that's not true, that she just thought the picture was cute. She says my kids think I'm an old stodgy and they need to know the truth. I believe she didn't mean to embarrass you (no mean intent). I believe she thought the photo of you was cute. But the real issue is in the bolded sentence. SHE thinks your kids need to know the "real you". She knows YOU do not want them seeing this side of you. She took advantage of a time when you would not immediately notice and pull it to "reveal" a side of you that she knows you wanted to keep private. She is wrong. She owes you an apology, and needs to accept and respect your boundaries regarding your image on facebook.
Author stodgy Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I believe she didn't mean to embarrass you (no mean intent). I believe she thought the photo of you was cute. I definitely believe that she thought the photo was cute, and I wish I could believe that didn't mean to embarrass me. However based on conversations we've had in the past I think her main intention was to embarrass me. There is no question in my mind but what she would have realized that I wouldn't approve of a picture like this being on FB. I wish I could just get over it, but this is just the latest of many things that bother me.
Author stodgy Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I would divorce her if I were you. I don't know quite how to take this. Are you being facetious or are you serious?
Moanin Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I'm very controlling of the photos (of me) that I allow on FB. My friends and relatives have posted pictures of me and I have asked them (nicely) to crop me out... My H knows better than to do that to me and at this point if he did post a photo of me without running it by me first, I know it would be only to hurt me or to make me look bad. You're wife wasn't very respectful of your feelings. Obviously after 9 years, she should know you well enough to know better.......
Author stodgy Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 You're wife wasn't very respectful of your feelings. Obviously after 9 years, she should know you well enough to know better....... She did know me well enough to know better -- she just didn't care. Plus she picked a time when she knew I wouldn't be on the computer for several days. After reading other posts I know my situation is very insignificant compared to the ones other people have, and I just need to get over it.
Author stodgy Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I know my wife's password to her gmail account, and I just looked at it out of curiosity. Here's an email she sent to her daughter. Check out his Facebook page. I added some photos and he doesn't know it. He just might kill me although he's having eye surgery tomorrow and won't know for a while. I got tired of his kids thinking he's just old stodgy dad. He loves to play that part.
Moanin Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Please don't let the other "posters" on here minimize your feelings. They are after all, YOUR feelings. I do wish the rude, unhelpful people on here would go away.......I know I would post more if they weren't here......most likely they're shut-ins with nothing better to do....
UnsureinSeattle Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 It comes down to the fact that Facebook can be and is viewed by employers- for that reason alone, you should be careful with what you put on there.
Moanin Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I know my wife's password to her gmail account, and I just looked at it out of curiosity. Here's an email she sent to her daughter. Yeah...after reading her email, she was just being mean. I guess you have to figure out why she would do this to you. Does she have some underlying anger issues with you? I think keeping your private world separate from your professional world is not only a good idea, but essential in order to maintain respect from your colleagues.
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I definitely believe that she thought the photo was cute, and I wish I could believe that didn't mean to embarrass me. However based on conversations we've had in the past I think her main intention was to embarrass me. There is no question in my mind but what she would have realized that I wouldn't approve of a picture like this being on FB. I wish I could just get over it, but this is just the latest of many things that bother me. Ask her how SHE would feel if you posted an awful, ugly picture of her online for everyone to see. or if you posted a picture of her boobs. Ask her how she'd feel. What else does she do, that bothers you? It take it there's more. Vent away, that's what this place is for. She did know me well enough to know better -- she just didn't care. Plus she picked a time when she knew I wouldn't be on the computer for several days. After reading other posts I know my situation is very insignificant compared to the ones other people have, and I just need to get over it. You're right, she doesn't care and the fact she waited until you were unable to use the computer is really calculated and mean. It's disrespecful and she needs to apologize to you. I know my wife's password to her gmail account, and I just looked at it out of curiosity. Here's an email she sent to her daughter. Check out his Facebook page. I added some photos and he doesn't know it. He just might kill me although he's having eye surgery tomorrow and won't know for a while. I got tired of his kids thinking he's just old stodgy dad. He loves to play that part. Fact that she did this when you had eye surgery is very low! What, did she plan on deleting them before you logged in again when you were feeling better? The part I bolded..Discuss this with her. She's got issues there and the way that's worded is intended to come off a certain way. Not cool at all.
mick123 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 It does not matter why you choose to take pictures of yourself private, the bottom line that it's your choice how you present yourself to your friends and loved ones. Issue of your privacy preferences, but he is unwilling to accept their limitations in this area. You guys have a way out is to find ways of working. __________________________________ appointment setting
lovelylove Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 This has nothing to do with the relationship aspect of the OP's thread... but here's what I do on facebook. You can control who sees pictures in the privacy settings. Henceforth anyone who posts any pictures (including you) - those pictures will remain private- visible only to you and whoever you select. I have three "sets" of friends. One I call Pix (they can see everything), Nopix (they can see wall posts, profile pictures, but not photos), and "other"- they can see, well, hardly anything, lol. You really have to be proactive about protecting your privacy. ANYONE can tag a picture, not even of you, and it will show up on your page if you don't take control of your settings. Go to album setting, select custom, etc etc etc.... As for your wife, I would forgive her, and change your settings. You just have different ideas about privacy. xoxoxoxo
Recommended Posts