Whyalwaysboris Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 So I posted this in another forum and would love another set of eyes. I'll try to give just the broad strokes of my current predicament. My gf broke up with me in October. There was a ton of passion, but we fought more than normal. I moved out at the end of month after 3 weeks of neither of us letting go. It was always a break up to get back together. She said she thought our best shot was to be apart for a while. I agreed. As much as it sucked. So we've had our ups and downs since. In December and into January, we started to grow closer. Christmas eve she gave me back the keys to our apartment. Her parents gave me a present. I spent a lot of time with her brother who was heading off to Afghanistan after the holidays. I had a hard time not poking holes in things, though. I can't really explain why. I just kept thinking she was setting me up to push me off the edge of the cliff. We spent the first two weeks in January together most nights for the most part. She had a big trip planned in mid-January and I spent the night before her departure over at her apartment. I went to get sushi while she packed. When I cam back, she popped open a bottle of wine. I stupidly drank a lot of it and fast. I popped open another one and inhaled that. She started talking about her friend waiting to be exclusive with a new flame until after they returned from this trip. With my defenses down, I asked if she was waiting to do the same. She responded in a mocking fashion saying she didn't think we'd be ready that soon. I then came back at her with a completely made up desire to put myself on an online dating site. I'd seen her profile on a similar site in November. That didn't help matters. She then said she didn't understand why we always took one step forward and two steps back. It's around this time I lost it. I said a lot of embarrassingly needy crap. I told her she didn't love me from the beginning. I told her if you love someone you make a committment to making it work. And with each word I dug a hole deeper and deeper for myself. About halfway through she came over to me, put my hand over my mouth, pushed me up against the couch, and said "shut up I love you". For whatever reason, I felt compelled to continue. I went on about some stuff that happened in the past. To which she said, she worried that I was really telling the truth because I was drunk. Then I gave her back the keys to the apartment. I took back an ipod I was lending her for her road trip. Lord knows what else I said. Oh, I told her I had made out with another girl. I told her it confused me. I told her it made me love her more. I'm a really loyal guy. This really saddened her. She cried. It was bad. I realized my mess near the end, but couldn't save it. She needed to try to sleep before her flight the next day. I said I thought the reconciliation would take a year now. She said, "don't put any timelines on it." I told her I was sorry I ruined it. She said, "we both did." I left feeling like I had just killed someone. I penned a rambling email apologizing. She didn't answer a few calls. I decided to let her have the trip, and figured I'd hear back from her when she returned. A few females friends including one in the middle of a break up of her own told me to send flowers. I sent them the last night of her trip. I heard nothing that night or the day after. On the day she returned home, I received an email. It was tersely worded. It said only, "the flowers were very beautiful. Thank you very much." I responded with you're welcome and resolved to let her make the next move. The next move came a week or so later. With a big snowstorm looming, she sent me an odd email offering to let me park in her lot as I had been during the other big snowstorms this winter. However, she began the email saying that I shouldn't take the email as her making an excuse to contact to me. She went on about how she knew how hard it was to be alone during the winter, but I should park there if I wanted. She closed by saying if I did so she didn't want any contact out of it. I responded over 24 hours later by simply saying I was thinking of her family as her brother went off to Afghanistan. I didn't acknowledge the no contact, but did say thanks for the offer. It seemed like an odd way to say I'm thinking of you. We're talking about a complicated girl here. She did ultimately respond to that email with a quick thank you for thinking of her brother. I did not respond. That weekend I received something more interesting from her while out eating lunch with a friend. The title of the email read "can you call me?" The body of the email read only I'm sorry and she left her phone number. I had been starting to heal after a few tough weeks. I laughed. She seemed to be cracking. I wasn't sure what to do with it, but just kept eating my meal. Fifteen minutes later I get another email. It said only, "sorry never mind. sorry forget you saw this." Now I'm confused. At least she's thinking of me, right? Since the parking email I had been moving on. The days after the two most recent emails I started to feel angry. I'd started to heal and feel more like myself, and now she was back in my head. Do I reach out or not? Valentine's Day was a few days after she wrote me. I ignored it altogether. It's been 5 weeks since I've seen her. By far the longest since we've known one another. I had sort of resolved to let her show her cards once more, at which point I'd break my silence. So far there's been nothing, and now I'm starting to wonder what my next move should be? I do still want her in my life. I do feel better now, like I have some control in this break up/reconciliation. Before I felt like I was at her mercy, and probably made myself too available to her. I gave her space, but answered when she called or wanted to meet etc. This radio silence is out of character for me. I do wonder if she's waiting for me to apologize more directly. She should know I'm sorry at this point. I sent the email and the voice mail the morning after. I sent the flowers. She knows I'm sorry. Basically I have no idea what to do next. She's back in my head after the two confusing emails, and I can't get her out. It feels like games for both of us, with neither person willing to blink first. Keep in mind I know I acted like a jackass that night. No one is arguing that. I'm just wondering where I go from here to get what I want. It does seem like she put the ball in my court with her email asking for a phone call, even though she retracted it moments later.
Rose T Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Just my 2 cents, but you basically have two options, right? 1. Continue with NC. many people will advocate that on LS as it's primarily for you to heal, but it also might help her clear her ideas up and eventually reach out. 2. In this case, however, I might actually call her if I was you. It sounds like a bit of a mess with two confused people in the mix. Maybe you want to clarify once and for all if this is really over? I know some other posters will probably disagree but sometimes when things keep going round in circles it's worth speaking plainly. You could propose a meet up and if she declines, you know it's over but at least you tried.
Author Whyalwaysboris Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks for acknowledging mine is not the cookie cutter case. I also lol'ed at the "bit of a mess" line so thanks for that. I'm not sure I'd ever get the "it's over" verdict from her, so I'm not sure it's worth pushing that angle just yet. She'll just give me the "I'll always have hope" line and bust out the superlatives like "soulmate". She'll never entirely kill hope. I know her. If it were over I'm pretty darn sure she would've told me already, too. She's definitely confused. The question is how much? Waiting seems to be best for now at least. She's back in my head something fierce, though. The emails got to me. So many unanswered questions from so few words. I'm feeling like I need some resolution, but then I say to myself that my need for resolution and inability to go with the flow got me into this mess to begin with.
You Go Girl Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Ummm...ego much? Give it a break, it's overworked.
scrc1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 That was actually tough for me to read, it echoes my own deal in so many ways. There's obviously still a lot there. I wouldn't go all out on trying to put it back on track yet. It will be devastating if it doesn't pan out right away, you can't do it prematurely. Maybe send a hint of your own back, but don't read into it if you don't get anything out of it.
Author Whyalwaysboris Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Hey SCRC, I read your deal. Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, man. Sounds like you're the lawyer in training in your situation not your ex. My ex is a lawyer. Doesn't make things easier that's for sure. Seems like all we can do is wait. One female friend said my gal is confused and doesn't think she's supposed to be reaching out. She says I should. I'm honestly trying to clear my head a little. She suggested writing her a short note, which I may do sometime soon. I'm trying to learn from my earlier mistakes. I forced timetables in my head and made myself too available. Stay strong, buddy.
scrc1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks man. It's a tough deal, and while NC is the way to go, you have to pick your moments and respond at some point if it's what you really want. I'd say it's probably a bit soon for you yet, it's all too raw still. One thing I've learned is that rushing only puts it back further. We're pretty much in the exact same boat, timeframes and all. Keep your head up and try not to lose your mind.
Lil1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 It sounds like there is still love between the two of you, but in order for things to work out between you both you have to each be able to be happy independently. Sounds like there are too many issues that are preventing you both to just love each other without expecting too much from one another. Perhaps you should both sit down and really try to be friends to one another first before taking it to the next level. Next time she reaches out to you (and she will) suggest having a conversation in person and be honest with her but dont expect anything from her. Let your guard down and she will either reciprocate and you will both be able to have a meaningful relationship or she wont and you can move on. Making yourself vulnerable will show you whether she is truly worthy of your love, and you will feel better and be that much stronger in the end because you will have given it your best. Unconditional love begins with yourself. Good luck to you whyalwaysboris!
Author Whyalwaysboris Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Hey Lil, That's some outstanding advice. Thanks for taking the time to write that. That's basically what I've been trying to do. She did make me incredibly happy a lot of the time, so a lot of this is relearning how to be my oldself. I did hear from her today via email. She wrote saying that she had an update on her brother in afghanistan. She then wrote she wasn't sure if it was weird for her to share it. Seemed like she was testing me. Like if I didn't respond about her bro I must really be mad. I couldn't ignore it, but did wait 8 hours. Told her to go ahead and tell him I said hello when they spoke next. Nothing yet. I'm not giving her much yet. We shall see....
Author Whyalwaysboris Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 So this situation broke some on Wednesday. Hopefully, this can provide a cautionary tale for the people wondering about the efficacy of no contact. I'll attempt to keep this short for you guys. As I mentioned, Tues night I did get an email from her stating that she had an update on her brother. I responded late that night. I awoke that morning to an email saying simply, "Phone or email?" I responded back quickly that email works. What followed was her trying her damnedest over the course of several emails to get me on phone. The excuse was always the complicated nature of her brother's assignment, but what I already knew became obvious as the morning dragged on. She wanted to have a larger discussion about us. As I waited longer and longer to respond, she'd add more. She asked if I was humoring her. She said if I was seeing someone she understood that she understood. Then she went on to explain that this is the reason she had reached out a week or so earlier and then pulled it back. She wanted to talk about her brother, but wasn't sure if it was "ok or what my deal was." I tried to respond in as lighthearted and fun a tone as possible. I did write that I'd been enjoying my time alone, to which she said she'd gotten her answer from me and would move on. I followed with a short honest email saying I'd been working on myself and wanted to talk when ready. She hit back by detailing her brother's extremely dangerous new assignment in Afghanistan, and then said we didn't need to talk. I got the cliche I wish you all the happiness in the world good luck email. Lovely. Now I couldn't not acknowledge this. I dug out her work phone # (I had deleted it) and called her. I laid it all out there. Told her that I'd been making a number of changes with a new therapist and new doctor to get at a few issues that had plagued me. I told her I'd been doing well, but didn't want to F anything up by reaching out too soon. She cried a number of times. She felt stupid for overreacting the way she had. I said what I had to say and ducked back into work. Early that evening I got an email. In it she basically said that I sounded great and that she was sorry she pushed things. She's not doing great. She's a mess about her brother, me, and work hasn't been helping in general. She said she's missed me terribly, but is still very angry. She'd wanted to rush things back with me because she said I was the only person other than her parents that understood what she's going through with her brother. Not talking to me during this time has killed her. She came to conclusion that she needed more space. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I felt like I had gotten played. She spent the better part of a month wondering if I had moved on. By overreacting, she got me to show some of my cards. She said over the phone that she'd been so confused about things she just wanted to know if she should be mourning us not letting hope dangle out there. I told her to have faith to which she agreed. I did call her later that night, only to express that I hadn't like the way things had gone down. She was incredibly honest. Maybe some people here can take this for what it's worth. She said she figured if I still wanted to be in it I'd have contacted her on Valentine's Day. She said she almost contacted me on a few weeks back to see if I'd go with her to a big NBA she had tickets to. She said she had been on some dates and came home crying every time that they weren't me. She wanted to call me after each one to talk to me. It was an emotional call. We hung up agreeing to continue things the way we had not talking. She's clearly nowhere near letting go, but is dealing with a lot of emotion with her brother right now. I have an emotional voice mail from her where she basically says I love you 100 times, but states she doesn't know her ass from her elbow right now and can't be with me the right way. She barely has time to touch on us, and knows rushing back would be a disaster. Now looking back I honestly have no idea how I could have gotten out of this spot. I was always very close with her brother and wanted to know his status. So continuing no contact by ignoring this subject would not have really been possible. My one regret is not being more clear. For the first time in a long time, I saw her in the down position since the break up and a part of me certainly enjoyed seeing her sweat. I probably relished this role too much. I should've just said I'm working on things and the no contact has really helped me find myself again. If I'm honest with myself, I know she probably would have drawn more out of me but I didn't need to play word games. She never really took no for an answer, and neither did I for that matter. Nonetheless all the emotions flood back for sure. I feel all right today, a full day later. At first it really bugged me, but break ups sure do make people act in odd ways so I've forgiven the incident. Anyway, I don't think I had much of a way around what happened, but I would say that there's definitely something to this don't accept crumbs during no contact philosophy. I'm a softy, though, and needed to hear about her brother. Ignoring it would have wrecked any chances I had for the future. It was her testing me to see if I had really checked out. Anyway, so much for keeping this short.
Rose T Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Oh, man. Sounds like some of the tortured email exchanges I had with my ex after he left. I know you feel opened up again here but your ex is clearly in a mess. She wants you for an emotional crutch though, right? Which is not the same as a loving relationship. I've had so much of this, "I love you, I screwed up, I miss you... BUT we're not together any more and it should probably stay that way" and it really ****s with your head. At the end of the day, when all they're giving you is words, you have to look at their actions. In your case, she ALMOST offered you NBA tickets, she ALMOST contacted you every time she went on a crap date (WTF?) she ALMOST wants to be with you but actually she wants space. It's all you can do for now. NC this time needs to be about your healing and your future. Good luck and grow with this.
Author Whyalwaysboris Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Oh, man. Sounds like some of the tortured email exchanges I had with my ex after he left. I know you feel opened up again here but your ex is clearly in a mess. She wants you for an emotional crutch though, right? Which is not the same as a loving relationship. I've had so much of this, "I love you, I screwed up, I miss you... BUT we're not together any more and it should probably stay that way" and it really ****s with your head. At the end of the day, when all they're giving you is words, you have to look at their actions. In your case, she ALMOST offered you NBA tickets, she ALMOST contacted you every time she went on a crap date (WTF?) she ALMOST wants to be with you but actually she wants space. It's all you can do for now. NC this time needs to be about your healing and your future. Good luck and grow with this. There's definitely a big hint of truth in what you're saying. To be fair I told her I almost called her on Valentine's Day. I told her I had bought he a gift before I lost my cool that night. I told her I've almost sent her so many emails. So the same goes for me here, even though I told her I need space etc. Also, to her credit she didn't go the emotional crutch route. She acknowledged doing this before messed up our chances at reconciliation. She told me what was going on with her brother, but after acknowledging more space as the only answer did not push it any further. Even though you can tell she knows I can calm her down during a period where her mind is racing with so many horrendous possibilities. Totally agree on NC and healing. Thanks.
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