tigressA Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Are you more or less likely to forgive a partner if they cheated on you? My boyfriend and I were discussing cheating the other day. I owned up, as I always do in a new relationship, to the fact that I had cheated on my LTR ex with a former FWB almost 3 years ago. The discussion got me thinking about forgiving infidelity. Personally, I wouldn't forgive someone for cheating on me after they did it even just one time--I would walk out the door and never look back. I wonder if this makes me seem unduly harsh because of my prior act. So, LSers, of those of you who have been unfaithful, how forgiving are you likely to be toward someone who had cheated on you?
NRG Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Are you more or less likely to forgive a partner if they cheated on you? My boyfriend and I were discussing cheating the other day. I owned up, as I always do in a new relationship, to the fact that I had cheated on my LTR ex with a former FWB almost 3 years ago. The discussion got me thinking about forgiving infidelity. Personally, I wouldn't forgive someone for cheating on me after they did it even just one time--I would walk out the door and never look back. I wonder if this makes me seem unduly harsh because of my prior act. So, LSers, of those of you who have been unfaithful, how forgiving are you likely to be toward someone who had cheated on you?What if it was cuddling?
NRG Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I am very forgiving. I could fogive most anything, if they are willing to work through it.
Author tigressA Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 What if it was cuddling? It depends on one's personal definition of cheating--how broad or narrow it is. This thread isn't about measuring what is cheating and what isn't. This is about forgiveness as a current or former cheater.
NRG Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 It depends on one's personal definition of cheating--how broad or narrow it is. This thread isn't about measuring what is cheating and what isn't. This is about forgiveness as a current or former cheater.I guess you are right. I was kind of wondering if you would forgive something like that.
PegNosePete Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 If you have a list of what you would and would not forgive, then you really need to think about the meaning of forgiveness. If someone does something that you call "forgivable" then you're not really forgiving them. You're simply categorizing and accepting their actions, either with or without consequences or changes. The true test of forgiveness is when someone does something that you do not class as forgivable. Can you forgive them? That is true forgiveness.
paleblue Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) i have really tried to be open to forgiving someone who cheats, who i was in a relationship with, but what it boils down too is it just never makes me feel good being with them after that. once the smoke cleared and i was back to my normal self, i just didnt feel like i could ever trust them the way i used too. it really sucks, because i wanted too, but i just couldnt anymore. as far as judging someone i was in a relationship with who cheated in the past, i guess i wouldnt really think too much about it if i had no reason to think about it. if it didnt really seem like a problem with them. if however they were constantly blabbing about all the times they did cheat in the past, then i would be cautious. Edited February 21, 2011 by paleblue
Author tigressA Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 When I found out my most recent ex had been cheating on me for pretty much the entire time we were together, I had already broken up with him weeks before. But if I had found out while we were together, I would've been out the door in an instant. It was ongoing, not a one-time thing like I had done, but I'm of the mindset that cheating is cheating, no matter how many times or how it was done--it's unforgivable to me, period. I can't imagine loving someone enough to forgive, and want to stay with them, knowing they've betrayed me and our relationship. I admire those who can. It takes a lot to forgive.
Crow9726 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 It's a 100% dealbreaker for me. I might be able to deal with someone who had cheated in a previous relationship...but it would take a very long time before I trusted her completely...if ever. I'm not near as forgiving at this point in my life as I may have been when I was younger.
PegNosePete Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I can't imagine loving someone enough to forgive, and want to stay with them Forgiving someone and staying with them are two totally different things. You can do either one, both, or neither. I choose to forgive my ex's actions (7 months on), but I would never take her back or even be her friend.
Author tigressA Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 It's a 100% dealbreaker for me. I might be able to deal with someone who had cheated in a previous relationship...but it would take a very long time before I trusted her completely...if ever. I'm not near as forgiving at this point in my life as I may have been when I was younger. It's perfectly understandable to be wary of someone who had cheated. I would be wary too. I honestly don't think I would want to be with someone who admitted to past infidelities. I don't expect to be given a free pass from anyone I tell about it, and I choose to be up-front with it once I'm dating someone exclusively. I feel like they should know this so they can know what I'm like at my worst (selfish, deceitful, calculating), and decide if they could handle that and trust me.
Author tigressA Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Forgiving someone and staying with them are two totally different things. You can do either one, both, or neither. I choose to forgive my ex's actions (7 months on), but I would never take her back or even be her friend. Yeah, you're right. I wrote as though they were essentially the same thing...I definitely wouldn't take someone back, or be their friend after they cheated. I could (and did) forgive them, though.
carhill Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Are you more or less likely to forgive a partner if they cheated on you? If voluntarily and proactively disclosed, I'd be more likely to work through it. If actively hidden and discovered/revealed, less likely. Forgiveness is independent of the work process and would be a part of my moving on process and/or reconciliation process
neveragain1 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 The discussion got me thinking about forgiving infidelity. Personally, I wouldn't forgive someone for cheating on me after they did it even just one time--I would walk out the door and never look back. I wonder if this makes me seem unduly harsh because of my prior act. dumping a cheater is never unduly harsh. but if you are one, and wouldn't stay with one yourself, it just would simply make you a hypocrite.
carhill Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 OP, in your case you had sexual relations with another partner whilst in a LTR. 'Cheating' is a blanket term for a wide range of behaviors and inappropriate attachments. In your assertion, cheating appears to be dealt with in black and white terms. Can you clarify and/or allow for more gray or is the stolen kiss or flirtation garnering the same reaction as the full-on undisclosed PA? I'm passing no judgment, rather reflecting upon the vast gray of what 'cheating' is and how it could impact one. For example I know for sure that many a MW who've shared intimate details of their lives, including sexual details of their marriages, flirted sexually, shown physical and verbal affection, didn't and don't think they've 'cheated'. Why? Because people define it *for themselves* differently. If they don't believe it is cheating, it isn't, for them. Their partner might disagree, if disclosed. I might disagree, as the recipient. That matters not, to them. 'You must've misunderstood' is the most common line I've heard. Yup. I must've. Perhaps this experience, and MC, is why I have the perspective I do. Whether it's healthy or not only time will tell. All that said, I think having a relationship where no one cheats in any form or fashion is far healthier than dealing with the 'gray', whatever level it is.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 It's perfectly understandable to be wary of someone who had cheated. I would be wary too. I honestly don't think I would want to be with someone who admitted to past infidelities. I don't expect to be given a free pass from anyone I tell about it, and I choose to be up-front with it once I'm dating someone exclusively. I feel like they should know this so they can know what I'm like at my worst (selfish, deceitful, calculating), and decide if they could handle that and trust me. By being upfront and honest about past cheating... that would give me the impression that she has grown since that experience.
neveragain1 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 It's perfectly understandable to be wary of someone who had cheated. I would be wary too. I honestly don't think I would want to be with someone who admitted to past infidelities. I don't expect to be given a free pass from anyone I tell about it, and I choose to be up-front with it once I'm dating someone exclusively. I feel like they should know this so they can know what I'm like at my worst (selfish, deceitful, calculating), and decide if they could handle that and trust me. ok, so don't you think that being with someone that has cheated also would be a good match for you? or would you tell them that you have cheated, they then say, "thats ok, its in the past, I cheated to", then you end up dumping the relationship? you are ok with that double standard?
Author tigressA Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) ok, so don't you think that being with someone that has cheated also would be a good match for you? or would you tell them that you have cheated, they then say, "thats ok, its in the past, I cheated to", then you end up dumping the relationship? you are ok with that double standard? No, I'm not "okay" with that double standard. I realize it's hypocritical of me to say that I would be really hesitant about being with someone who had cheated before. It really depends on the situation...if it had been recent, like within the year, an ongoing affair (more than one occasion within the same relationship), or if cheating had occurred in multiple prior relationships, I would be highly unlikely to continue dating that person. In my experience I've noticed that it's less likely for someone whose history included an ongoing affair and/or serial cheating to choose to remain faithful to anyone. Edited February 21, 2011 by tigressA
neveragain1 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 No, I'm not "okay" with that double standard. I realize it's hypocritical of me to say that I would be really hesitant about being with someone who had cheated before. It really depends on the situation...if it had been recent, like within the year, an ongoing affair (more than one occasion within the same relationship), or if cheating had occurred in multiple prior relationships, I would be highly unlikely to continue dating that person. In my experience I've noticed that it's less likely for someone whose history included an ongoing affair and/or serial cheating to choose to remain faithful to anyone. but that would include you as well, ongoing affaiar/serial cheating or not. cheating is cheating. maybe you should stay away from committed relationships. then you won't have to worry about the double standard.
PegNosePete Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I realize it's hypocritical of me to say that I would be really hesitant about being with someone who had cheated before. Actually... it's not hypocritical. A hypocrite is someone who makes a pretense of having virtues or beliefs that they do not actually have. You make no pretense that you have never cheated. You are up-front about your standards. Therefore you do not fit the definition of a hypocrite. You also understand and accept that people you date may be hesitant about being with you because of your past, therefore you do not hold others to different standards than yourself. From wikipedia: "an alcoholic's advocating temperance, for example, would not be considered an act of hypocrisy so long as the alcoholic made no pretense of constant sobriety"
notagame Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 but that would include you as well, ongoing affaiar/serial cheating or not. cheating is cheating. maybe you should stay away from committed relationships. then you won't have to worry about the double standard. I strongly agree.
neveragain1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Actually... it's not hypocritical. A hypocrite is someone who makes a pretense of having virtues or beliefs that they do not actually have. mincing words I suppose, its widely accepted that if one would be a cheater, but then dissapprove of it in someone else, I call it hypocritical. but at the very least, in whatever opinion, if its not hypocritical, it IS a double standard.
neveragain1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 You also understand and accept that people you date may be hesitant about being with you because of your past, therefore you do not hold others to different standards than yourself. yes, she does. she expects, or at the very least hopes, that someone will give her a chance that she herself wouldn't be willing to give of someone else in the same situation.
animation Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Both me and my girlfriend have cheated in past relationships, we both told each other pretty early on, I'd admitted it to my ex however she didn't admit it to hers, which made me a little worried, but I believe the past is the past. I think if they openly told me they had cheated at the first moment possible, it would be easier to forgive them. However if I had found out from other means I don't think I could.
heartshaped Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Forgiveness is always granted. More for my sake than theirs, I've walked around with a chip on my shoulder before and wouldn't go back to that for anyone. Reconciliation would depend upon the situation- what caused them to cheat, how long we had been together, how emotionally I was invested, and of course, the level of deception.
Recommended Posts