Author P&R Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Tough bro. You know what you have to do. You either trust her, don't care, or leave her. Those are honestly the only ways you can handle this situation barring that you've already talked with her and she still decides to spend alone time with other men. Personally, I would not commit to a woman romantically or take seriously if she: 1. Had a bunch of male friends 2. Went through "tons" of men while she was dating 3. Spent alone time with other men while in a relationship. Not a big risk taker, especially not with my heart involved. Some people say it's insecure of me. I just think I'm playing it smart and safe. There's too many dishonest people in the world. Is she an honest person? How is she with other people? Does she lie often to other people? People close to her? She sounds young. Alot of young women (especially attractive ones) keep other men around as options, and throw the friend label on those men so it doesn't raise any flags to the main man of her interest. It's called being a player. It also doesn't help that most men will wait around on an attractive woman under the guise of being a "friend" until there's a moment where they can finally get with her. *Note the thread on these boards by that Kain guy. (Not a shot at him, but that's basically what he did, now he's asking when is a good time to make his true intentions known). The world is a ****ed up place. Sometimes you gotta have ****ed up views to make the safest decisions, and do what's best for you. She didn't spend any time alone with guy friends while we've been in a relationship and she doesn't normally hang out with guy friends by herself. However she's new too the whole relationship thing... I just want to make it known for future reference that it's not something that I like or appreciate.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 She didn't spend any time alone with guy friends while we've been in a relationship and she doesn't normally hang out with guy friends by herself. However she's new too the whole relationship thing... I just want to make it known for future reference that it's not something that I like or appreciate. So make it known - when it happens. Until then, just play it cool man. Be that cool guy that initially attracted her. Don't change **** up now that you've finally got her.
Author P&R Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 So make it known - when it happens. Until then, just play it cool man. Be that cool guy that initially attracted her. Don't change **** up now that you've finally got her. Also if it does happen... if she does hang out with guys by herself I'm even struggling whether or not I should say something. As other people mentioned it makes me sound like a jealous control freak.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 This is a pattern I'm seeing, not just from my guy friends but from my sisters guy friends, and in general what countless guys themselves have said on this forum. Again, it's a guy behaviour. If you can present me with examples of an attached woman willingly throwing herself to the wolves ( and I'm not talking about promiscuous women either) I will still counteract your argument and say only women capable of cheating and have done so in the past would raise alarms. If your girlfriend hasn't, why brand her with a scarlet letter? Also if it does happen... if she does hang out with guys by herself I'm even struggling whether or not I should say something. As other people mentioned it makes me sound like a jealous control freak. I would tell her to have a good night with her friend. There's a need to be paranoid but it's unnecessary to always carry that paranoia with you. Give them the amount of trust they deserve and they'll appreciate you for it.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Tough bro. You know what you have to do. You either trust her, don't care, or leave her. Those are honestly the only ways you can handle this situation barring that you've already talked with her and she still decides to spend alone time with other men. Personally, I would not commit to a woman romantically or take seriously if she: 1. Had a bunch of male friends 2. Went through "tons" of men while she was dating 3. Spent alone time with other men while in a relationship. Not a big risk taker, especially not with my heart involved. Some people say it's insecure of me. I just think I'm playing it smart and safe. There's too many dishonest people in the world. Is she an honest person? How is she with other people? Does she lie often to other people? People close to her? She sounds young. Alot of young women (especially attractive ones) keep other men around as options, and throw the friend label on those men so it doesn't raise any flags to the main man of her interest. It's called being a player. It also doesn't help that most men will wait around on an attractive woman under the guise of being a "friend" until there's a moment where they can finally get with her. *Note the thread on these boards by that Kain guy. (Not a shot at him, but that's basically what he did, now he's asking when is a good time to make his true intentions known). The world is a ****ed up place. Sometimes you gotta have ****ed up views to make the safest decisions, and do what's best for you. #s 1&3 don't make sense to me. #2 yes makes sense. If she went through tons of me it means she's playing around, can't commit, GIGS, or anything else you probably don't want to deal with. Really #1 its okay to have male friends, even a lot of them. As a gamer, and a kind of tomboyish person I tend to have more in common with males than females. I cultivate female friendships but its an aspect of my personality that is far different than my normal comfort zone. It's hard to go clothes shopping with guys though lol One of my best friends is a guy. He's happily married with a kid and we recently re-connected with facebook. I can't wait to drive and visit him and his family soon... he moved to my state shortly after I moved here. His W was originally from here which helps. And #3 is okay too. I have spent plenty of alone time with men while in a R. I was not deceitful about it... I didn't tell bf or H or whatever that I was going to do one thing and then spend time with the guy instead. I was very open and straightforward about my intentions. "Hey honey, so-and-so wants me to go show cars with him this weekend is that okay?" If bf/h didn't find it okay I would ask why. I would let any partner I was with meet every guy I would hang out with alone. Was there sexual tension in some "alone" situations? Yes... and one of them escalated pretty quick. Needless to say I left immediately and told bf at the time about what happened. I did not hang out with that guy alone again while I was still in a R with bf. So can it be tricky to navigate? Yes it can. Sometimes sexual tension is high and I will not lie about that. A woman might even get the "just this once" feeling. It is best ignored though, and if you feel the tension coming on its best to leave or diffuse the situation.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 You're wrong if you say this isn't about trust. The issue of trust is on him while the issue of respect is on her. He has to trust her that she's going to respect him when it comes to handling situations like this. I won't date someone that I can't trust. I and most other guys have no interest in being a policeman constantly having to watch for crap behavior. There is nothing wrong with a guy laying out relationship boundaries and some basic expectations. That isn't controlling... it's a basic right. Both men and women have a right to boundaries within a relationship. If she does not feel the need to respect those boundaries she isn't worth dating. When it comes to hanging 1 on 1 with male friends... that is very unacceptable under most circumstances. If you have a good BF that you care for... why do you need to hang out alone with other guys? To make your BF jealous? To get some extra male attention? What is this guy going to provide that a female friend cant? Again, it's a guy behaviour. If you can present me with examples of an attached woman willingly throwing herself to the wolves ( and I'm not talking about promiscuous women either) I will still counteract your argument and say only women capable of cheating and have done so in the past would raise alarms. If your girlfriend hasn't, why brand her with a scarlet letter? What separates it from a date besides initial expectations? I would tell her to have a good night with her friend. There's a need to be paranoid but it's unnecessary to always carry that paranoia with you. Give them the amount of trust they deserve and they'll appreciate you for it. The overall situation is inappropriate, only someone who is very selfish would engage in such behavior. Personally, I think it's done specifically to be emotionally manipulative.
sally4sara Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I won't date someone that I can't trust. I and most other guys have no interest in being a policeman constantly having to watch for crap behavior. There is nothing wrong with a guy laying out relationship boundaries and some basic expectations. That isn't controlling... it's a basic right. Both men and women have a right to boundaries within a relationship. If she does not feel the need to respect those boundaries she isn't worth dating. She isn't compatible with a guy who judges her guilty without a crime and he isn't compatible with a capable adult. It doesn't mean she isn't worth dating period. When it comes to hanging 1 on 1 with male friends... that is very unacceptable under most circumstances. If you have a good BF that you care for... why do you need to hang out alone with other guys? To make your BF jealous? To get some extra male attention? No and no, not if it is a real friendship. What is this guy going to provide that a female friend cant? A different perspective. Different information. Different personality. Same reasons why we don't stop forging friendships even among our own gender once we gain ONE friend. What separates it from a date besides initial expectations? Uhhh, you don't make out or have sex with them like you would with your SO. I think that bit is obvious or no one would be saying not all platonic friendships are fake. The overall situation is inappropriate, only someone who is very selfish would engage in such behavior. Personally, I think it's done specifically to be emotionally manipulative. Its not that people never act out in the way you're saying, I know it happens. But that isn't the kind of person you want to be with right? The relationship you can have with a person like that isn't going to be oh wow! the greatest most fulfilling pairing eva! till one day some friend comes along and ruins it. Friendships don't ruin relationships. Crappy people do. Incompatible people do.
dispatch3d Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 This is all drama crap. If it's not currently a problem don't engage in it. Why you would actively seek things that are dramatic (do not hang out with other guys) is beyond me. If I was uncomfortable with a particular guy I would tell her and state the reasons. There is a balance to male/female relationships, and a lot of girls (or guys lol) do not fully understand/appreciate some stuff that should be done. In general I do not hang out with my female friends on a 1 on 1 basis. Usually only drink or do group events with them. I think of it like this - I don't hang out with "guy friends" on a 1 on 1 basis unless we are playing board games or something. Same deal, unless there is a planned event or reason for hanging out, it doesn't happen. edit: like a guy and girl going to a movie, is generally a date unless you are directly related. As an example .
Ay Diesel T Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Like I said, if the OP sees that his GF is an honest person, and if she brings it to his attention exactly what she's doing, and caring to check and see if it's okay with him - that is actually a good sign. Duckduckgoose had it right. , which also leads me to say her approach in the situation is extremely sexy. Totally feel the OP shouldn't "lay down" any boundaries until there is a need to. Even then I wouldn't consider it laying down boundaries, but rather letting your partner know what you're okay with. If she doesn't see eye to eye with you then that's obviously where you two are going to butt heads. Again though, it's very hard to make this black and white. As Duckduckgoose thoroughly displayed, there's always some in between **** which makes this question very hard to answer, and an endless tug of war. So all I can do is give my personal opinion as well as others, OP. If she's honest and upfront about what she's doing, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. Why worry about it now though? If it hasn't already happened? You're on a path of relationship destruction - I used to be you. Worrying about all the what ifs, and **** like that when it came to my GF and other guys. You know what happened? I ended up chasing her away. And she never looked back, probably some guy like the current me got a hold of her, while the past tense me was showing her all the reasons why she couldn't do what every young person wants to do, be free and live their life. When you're a confident guy and allow your girlfriend as much space as she wants, they usually tend to appreciate and care for you more. Nobody wants their life restricted by another person. There's been a couple times I almost got into fist fights with my father over **** like that. But it's hard to understand that when your heart is involved, cause I know you're just trying to protect yourself OP. Take it from me though, you're going about it wrong. Just be cool man. Don't trip until she gives you a reason to.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 She isn't compatible with a guy who judges her guilty without a crime and he isn't compatible with a capable adult. It doesn't mean she isn't worth dating period. If she can't handle her personal relationships and create reasonable boundaries with male friends... then she should not be dating anyone. Period. No and no, not if it is a real friendship. If it's an old pre-existing friendship, with no history of romantic encounters... it should easily transition. Going on 1 on 1 dates should not be required. If it is that means there are big issues. A different perspective. Different information. Different personality. Same reasons why we don't stop forging friendships even among our own gender once we gain ONE friend. I have lots of female friends. I am able to easily maintain those friendships without 1 on 1 playdates... because we are friends. That's how real friendships work. If the guy won't talk to you without you Uhhh, you don't make out or have sex with them like you would with your SO. I think that bit is obvious or no one would be saying not all platonic friendships are fake. I believe in platonic relationships... I have plenty. I don't date them. They stay platonic because I have boundaries with those women. I have no doubt that if I chose to cross some of those boundaries the friendship would move away from being platonic. What your saying is that the only thing that separates a male friend from your husband is that you don't kiss them or have sex with them? Otherwise all the emotions are the same? That seems silly to me. Bottom line. You should be capable of handling your own personal relationships. Part of that is having intelligent and acceptable boundaries. If you can't do that... you should not be dating whether you are a cheater or not. Its not that people never act out in the way you're saying, I know it happens. But that isn't the kind of person you want to be with right? The relationship you can have with a person like that isn't going to be oh wow! the greatest most fulfilling pairing eva! till one day some friend comes along and ruins it. Friendships don't ruin relationships. Crappy people do. Incompatible people do. Crappy people don't respect their relationships or their partners enough to draw boundaries. Good relationships can go down the tubes because of momentary stupidity. Who is more important to you... your friend... your husband?
daphne Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I've had that happen. If anyone tried to set that kind of rule on me again, I'd walk. It was a one way street. I was unable to have male friends, however he still had lunch occasionally with his ex wife. On the other hand, I do tend to pare down hanging out with guys that I suspect like me more than a friend. As long as it's mutual. I don't hang out with exes either. It's just not kosher. Regardless, you can talk to her about how you feel but if you lay down rules she's likely to balk and think you're a control freak.
sally4sara Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I believe in platonic relationships... I have plenty. I don't date them. They stay platonic because I have boundaries with those women. I have no doubt that if I chose to cross some of those boundaries the friendship would move away from being platonic. Have more faith in yourself. If you have strong values concerning fidelity, I'm sure you could accomplish some one on one time now and then with a female friend without HAVING to cheat on your SO. But you know yourself better than I; maybe you're right and you have to have these restrictions in place to behave yourself. What your saying is that the only thing that separates a male friend from your husband is that you don't kiss them or have sex with them? Otherwise all the emotions are the same? That seems silly to me. No, that's what you are saying. You asked what makes it different and I used tangible reasons to answer your question rather than abstract, emotional, and impossible to evidence ones. Bottom line. You should be capable of handling your own personal relationships. Part of that is having intelligent and acceptable boundaries. If you can't do that... you should not be dating whether you are a cheater or not. I do handle my own personal relationships and have intelligent acceptable boundaries. They are just different ones than you have to adhere to because I can be around a male friend and not have to cheat. If you can't, I understand why it would be a bad choice for you to be alone with any woman you're not in a romantic relationship with. Who is more important to you... your friend... your husband? Of course my husband is more important. Part of how he became so important to me was he accepted me as I am and had faith in my judgment. My friends, his friends, they become OUR friends. He has never had to ask me to drop a friend. I'd never tolerate a situation getting messy and going unchecked long enough for him to be bothered enough to have to ask that of me. Someone trying to cause me relationship conflicts or attempting to break me off isn't a friend. They are someone I thought was a friend till I learned different and I have no problem with choosing all on my own to dust off a problematic fake friend. I also don't believe in such things as accidental cheating. That **** is the thin excuse of selfish and irresponsible over grown children.
fishtaco Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 OP - it's good that you aren't a hypocrite, but personally I'd consider that controlling behavior. But some people equate that with love and caring. So it's about what floats your boat, and hers. If it's a match, be controlling/loving toward each other as much as you want, as long as it makes both of you happy.
Author P&R Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Like I said, if the OP sees that his GF is an honest person, and if she brings it to his attention exactly what she's doing, and caring to check and see if it's okay with him - that is actually a good sign. Duckduckgoose had it right. , which also leads me to say her approach in the situation is extremely sexy. Totally feel the OP shouldn't "lay down" any boundaries until there is a need to. Even then I wouldn't consider it laying down boundaries, but rather letting your partner know what you're okay with. If she doesn't see eye to eye with you then that's obviously where you two are going to butt heads. Again though, it's very hard to make this black and white. As Duckduckgoose thoroughly displayed, there's always some in between **** which makes this question very hard to answer, and an endless tug of war. So all I can do is give my personal opinion as well as others, OP. If she's honest and upfront about what she's doing, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. Why worry about it now though? If it hasn't already happened? You're on a path of relationship destruction - I used to be you. Worrying about all the what ifs, and **** like that when it came to my GF and other guys. You know what happened? I ended up chasing her away. And she never looked back, probably some guy like the current me got a hold of her, while the past tense me was showing her all the reasons why she couldn't do what every young person wants to do, be free and live their life. When you're a confident guy and allow your girlfriend as much space as she wants, they usually tend to appreciate and care for you more. Nobody wants their life restricted by another person. There's been a couple times I almost got into fist fights with my father over **** like that. But it's hard to understand that when your heart is involved, cause I know you're just trying to protect yourself OP. Take it from me though, you're going about it wrong. Just be cool man. Don't trip until she gives you a reason to. I see my SO as a honest person... maybe too honest but she is also naive to the feelings of the opposite sex. I tried to make it blatently clear that I like her. She couldn't see that and when I finally said that I liked her she was suprised. It turned out she also liked me. She is super friendly to everyone and that could be seen as flirting to many guys AND that could give them the "green light" so to speak. There are also serveral other instances... for example how she handled a breakup with a person she was dating. She told me specifically about this guy. She said he asked if they could still be friends and she told him they could. Now he's been calling her off the hook for 4 weeks. (she's been ignoring them) she admited that she handled this situation badly. I'm not jealous... I'm just not liking how I see her handle situations with men who have feelings for her. There are other examples too but I think I should stop here. I guess I should just learn to trust her judgement.
Author P&R Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 OP - it's good that you aren't a hypocrite, but personally I'd consider that controlling behavior. But some people equate that with love and caring. So it's about what floats your boat, and hers. If it's a match, be controlling/loving toward each other as much as you want, as long as it makes both of you happy. This is the problem I'm having... Try to hold a butterfly too tightly and you'll crush it, hold it to lightly and you'll let the butterfly fly away. This is how I look at relationships. To everyone I'm coming off as a control freak, jealous maniac, and I don't blame them for seeing me this way. I'm just trying to see what is acceptible here.
fishtaco Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 This is the problem I'm having... Try to hold a butterfly too tightly and you'll crush it, hold it to lightly and you'll let the butterfly fly away. This is how I look at relationships. To everyone I'm coming off as a control freak, jealous maniac, and I don't blame them for seeing me this way. I'm just trying to see what is acceptible here. It's about what's acceptable to her. We don't matter. I happen to think if she wants to fly away, then fly away. I rather be with someone that wants to be with me because she wants to, rather than because I was applying the "right amount of force" to hold her. Using your analogy, I want a butterfly that's flying around, but she chooses to fly around me. But that's just me, and I won't get what I want either, because relationships are about compromises. When the time comes, I'll have to have a discussion about this too. So I think you should talk to her. Come up with a line where both of you shouldn't cross and are comfortable with. Most likely it'll be a compromise. If you can't or she can't then it's a deal breaker.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I see my SO as a honest person... maybe too honest but she is also naive to the feelings of the opposite sex. I tried to make it blatently clear that I like her. She couldn't see that and when I finally said that I liked her she was suprised. It turned out she also liked me. She is super friendly to everyone and that could be seen as flirting to many guys AND that could give them the "green light" so to speak. There are also serveral other instances... for example how she handled a breakup with a person she was dating. She told me specifically about this guy. She said he asked if they could still be friends and she told him they could. Now he's been calling her off the hook for 4 weeks. (she's been ignoring them) she admited that she handled this situation badly. I'm not jealous... I'm just not liking how I see her handle situations with men who have feelings for her. There are other examples too but I think I should stop here. I guess I should just learn to trust her judgement. I see where you're coming from, my ex was that way. Guys at her job would buy her candy, ask her out to lunch, put things over my face in our pictures she put up at her cubicle. At the time, I tried to tell her that these guys weren't trying to be friendly co-workers, they were trying to make moves but she didn't want to hear it. She also told me that she doesn't have to tell them she's taken. Looking back on it, I don't know why I stayed with her. Guess I was too far in. Your GF may not be such a huge bitch like my ex was, but the idea is still there. I honestly think, that deep down, somebody WOULD KNOW if someone has a thing for them. That's basic instinct. Even animals know what's up. She probably likes the attention a bit, deep down inside. But you have to approach this situation in a careful way. Which is why I said, don't trip until something happens. Stop stressing the what-ifs, it'll drive you crazy. Maintain your cool, and just wait until she does something that doesn't sit right with you. Then you calmly explain to her why that's an issue for you. If she isn't seeing it, bro, it sounds harsh - but you gotta do what's best for you, especially when your heart is involved. Don't let all these posters guilt trip you bro. Just like mine, that's their personal opinion. Only reason I'm making this effort is cause I used to be like you, and if you don't work on it now, you'll only end up worse off than you are now - alone. ****, you just may end up alone. But it's about finding YOU. **** what all these other people have to say, you came here and asked for help, and these people are throwing around labels. Keep in mind that some of them are here for situations that are way more ridiculous than yours. You are NOT wrong for how you feel. But your approach is a bit on the controlling side, at least that's probably how a woman would see it. Just tone it down a notch that's all. You gotta remember, that when you tell your woman you don't like that she's around guys, all she's going to hear is "Baby, I don't trust you." And that's an argument you can't win, cause it's kind of true. What are these other guys going to do that your GF won't condone? Rape her? But at the same time, women are emotional, and lol, easily persuaded - trust me. All it takes is one suave smooth talking guy to work her over for a couple of days, maybe weeks, and she'll let him slip in a kiss or feel or two because naturally, she'll be attracted to him. And that's what worries you isn't it? Your GF may be a bit oblivious, but she isn't a rock man. She'll know these guys might like her. But she's a woman. And women don't like to tackle issues head on for fear of "hurting" these said guys. Instead they stay quiet, act like the issue isn't present, and that it'll magically go away (LOL). This is just all food for thought. Bottom line, wait until something pops off then calmly talk to her about it. If she isn't seeing where you're coming from bro, sorry to say, but your heart is involved and if she isn't understanding then it's a risk, gamble with your emotions from then on out if you'd like. I wouldn't. In the meanwhile, work on these mild insecurities. Do you work out? Are you an attractive guy? What do you think these guys might have over you? Be honest. My insecurities were money, and physical attractiveness. Two of which I didn't quite have on point at the time. Now I have both, and I'm good. Ironically, the money was cause of my gold digging ex. Self evaluation is key to self-preservation and improvement. Be honest with yourself.
Author P&R Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the response Disel. How do I tone it down if it becomes an issue? This girl is one that likes to try to ignore problems, in fact she prides herself on being able to dodge situations/ignore problems. Another thing she does is she tries too hard to make everyone happy. You described her to a tee.. She is a very nice person and doesn't enjoy hurting other people. She is also oblivious and sometimes ends up leading on poor guys unintentionally, like for example that guy she broke up with who is calling her non-stop. She said she wasn't very clear. I like that aspect about her, in fact I love it that she's so nice and friendly but on the other hand it gives other guys a wrong message. I was thinking if she see's one guy (by herself) on a consistant basis then it's time we had a talk.... Which she doesn't, luckily. Edited February 22, 2011 by P&R
Titania22 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 How would you react if your boyfriend forbid you from hanging out with guy friends on a one on one basis? I would laugh out loud. Then we would have an enlightening discussion (enlightening for him that is). Not because of the guy friends, but rather over the word FORBID.
Author P&R Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I would laugh out loud. Then we would have an enlightening discussion (enlightening for him that is). Not because of the guy friends, but rather over the word FORBID. You made me smile Titania hahaha
Titania22 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 You made me smile Titania hahaha You're welcome P&R. I haven't read the whole thread. It was the first thing I thought when I read the initial post.
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