P&R Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 How would you react if your boyfriend forbid you from hanging out with guy friends on a one on one basis? I was wondering this because I'm now in a new relationship, and this seems like something I should lay out. I don't care if she hangs out with other guys so long as it's with another friend. I'm considering not even making a rule about this because to me it just screams "jealous control freak" but a girl hanging out with another man by herself also seems like something dangerous to a relationship. (She doesn't really hang out with guys by herself from what I've seen)
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 How would you react if your boyfriend forbid you from hanging out with guy friends on a one on one basis? I was wondering this because I'm now in a new relationship, and this seems like something I should lay out. I don't care if she hangs out with other guys so long as it's with another friend. I'm considering not even making a rule about this because to me it just screams "jealous control freak" but a girl hanging out with another man by herself also seems like something dangerous to a relationship. (She doesn't really hang out with guys by herself from what I've seen) This isn't a rule you should have to lay out for her. She should do this naturally out of respect for your relationship. If she doesn't respect you or your relationship... then you KNOW she isn't a woman you can trust.
LittleTiger Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) This isn't a rule you should have to lay out for her. She should do this naturally out of respect for your relationship. If she doesn't respect you or your relationship... then you KNOW she isn't a woman you can trust. Hanging out with male friends is no different from hanging out with female friends - people are people - we're not defined by our genitalia! It has nothing whatsoever to do with trust or respect - unless she's fooling around or having sex with other men. If my bf forbid me to do anything, I would dump him on the spot. I'm a woman, not somebody's property. Edited February 21, 2011 by LittleTiger
Author P&R Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) Hanging out with male friends is no different from hanging out with female friends - people are people - we're not defined by our genitalia! It has nothing whatsoever to do with trust or respect - unless she's fooling around or having sex with other men. If my bf forbid me to do anything, I would dump him on the spot. I'm a woman, not somebody's property. Just to clarify I'd make the same rule for myself. The reason why I was thinking about this is she said to me that she had a crush on a guy friend for years. She even said she compared every single guy she dated to him. I also don't think it's proper for a man to hang out with a girl alone, or a girl to hang out with a guy alone while the guy or girl is in a relationship. That is just asking for trouble. Although I don't think I need to raise this issue. Edited February 21, 2011 by P&R
LittleTiger Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I also don't think it's proper for a man to hang out with a girl alone, or a girl to hang out with a guy alone while the guy or girl is in a relationship. That is just asking for trouble. It isn't asking for trouble unless the girl and guy in question are attracted to one another. It also isn't asking for trouble unless the girl is untrustworthy. You have to take each case individually. If the guy is 'interested' in your gf then that could be perceived as asking for trouble. If, on the hand, they've known each other for years as mates and there's no sexual interest on either side - I can't see how it's a problem.
Faded_x Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I think it depends on the other guy/girl. If I had been platonic friends with a guy for years and we always spent innocent time together alone, I wouldn't give that up if a guy I was in a new relationship with asked me to. I understand why a guy and girl hanging out together alone could be considered a bit inappropriate if one or both were in a relationship; but I think it depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my partner spending alone time with an ex, or someone he has a romantic/sexual history with. But if it were an old platonic friend, I don't think I have the right to dictate what he can and can't do there; just like I wouldn't appreciate him trying to stop me from doing the same.
sally4sara Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 How would you react if your boyfriend forbid you from hanging out with guy friends on a one on one basis? I was wondering this because I'm now in a new relationship, and this seems like something I should lay out. I don't care if she hangs out with other guys so long as it's with another friend. I'm considering not even making a rule about this because to me it just screams "jealous control freak" but a girl hanging out with another man by herself also seems like something dangerous to a relationship. (She doesn't really hang out with guys by herself from what I've seen) I'd drop him. If I wanted to cheat, I don't have to be someones "friend" to accomplish it. Its one thing to worry about your partner being in a dangerous situation. That's something different entirely. Your SO has a guy friend and you've seen him out being violent or creepy aggressive - I could see thinking it dangerous for someone you care about being alone with them. But that's not your worry is it? Oh no. You're only worry is about dangers to YOU. So what you're saying is you don't trust your partner or their level of integrity. To that I ask - why be with them at all? Why not choose someone you would trust in any situation? Why not be with someone AND trust their judgment rather than acting like they are a naive twit you have to monitor at all times? You gotta find a middle ground. If your GF was always off at some other guy's house just as much if not more, socializing alone with him she isn't prioritizing her time with you. But if you're being treated well and get the lion's share of her time and effort, you should chill out and not pitch a fit if she has a guy friend she hangs out with now and then. Get to know him; maybe he is cool and can be your friend too?
Faded_x Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) How would you react if your boyfriend forbid you from hanging out with guy friends on a one on one basis? I forgot to mention this in my reply. I don't think ANYONE should forbid their partner from doing anything in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't respond well if my boyfriend forbade me to do something; and I think most others would feel the same. I wouldn't see anything wrong with talking about it; saying that it makes you uncomfortable, etc. But forbidding another adult from doing something is just ridiculous; you're in a relationship, not a parent/child role! I think it also depends on the frequency of them as well. If it's occasional, then ok. But an every day thing would be much too excessive. Edited February 21, 2011 by Faded_x
EasyHeart Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 We've had dozens of threads on this topic, and there's no easy answer. The big problem for the OP is his notion that he has some sort of power to set "rules" in the relationship. That should send any woman running for the hills.
kimflute26 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Ok, this is what you need to do. You need to TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. That doesn't mean laying out a rule for her to follow. Ask her where she stands with this issue, and once you find that out, you'll know whether you can be in agreement, or if a compromise can be made, or if you guys dont see eye to eye. I had this conversation with my boyfriend. Interestingly, my views are exactly the same as yours but my boyfriend was raised in a country where everyone is so open with each other (of all genders) and completely didnt get the idea that men and women shouldn't hang out alone as friends. He even used to go to the movies and out to dinner with a girl who had a boyfriend. He only saw her as a friend, and her boyfriend had no issue with it (but personally I see that situation as odd). We ended up agreeing that a person in a relationship should not spend time alone with the opposite sex, unless it is a very well established friendship, and EVEN THEN, it should only be occasionally. But I do not think it's appropriate to spend time alone with someone that is a new person (of the opposite sex) unless it's for a specific reason and if so, maybe a really quick rare lunch or something. Furthermore, I disagree with the argument that you must not trust your partner if you dont want them alone with the opposite sex. This isnt about TRUST. Hanging out with the opposite sex (more especially with a new person or with ANYONE on an excessive basis) does not look right to people around you, and does not show that you have respect for your relationship (concerning how things are perceived on the inside and outside). And more than that, who's to say you can control the OTHER PERSON'S feeling for your partner? What if that "friend" develops feelings (a not-so-uncommon situation) or what if your partner realizes that he or she is beginning to devote too much of themselves to the friendship? I just believe that you should be the number one guy or girl in your partner's life, and everything should be done to make that clear.
Nukulus Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 This just screams that you don't trust her. It's stupid. I'm a guy with several platonic female friends and I've only ever kissed one of them, and that was when we were drunk and she was single. We're great friends and hang out alone all the time, and none of us jump each others bones. Hell I don't even really flirt with my platonic females friends, and I think many of them are attractive. Anyway, you seem like a jealous control freak. She's with you. Either trust her or don't, and if you don't dump her.
Nukulus Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Ok, this is what you need to do. You need to TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. That doesn't mean laying out a rule for her to follow. Ask her where she stands with this issue, and once you find that out, you'll know whether you can be in agreement, or if a compromise can be made, or if you guys dont see eye to eye. I had this conversation with my boyfriend. Interestingly, my views are exactly the same as yours but my boyfriend was raised in a country where everyone is so open with each other (of all genders) and completely didnt get the idea that men and women shouldn't hang out alone as friends. He even used to go to the movies and out to dinner with a girl who had a boyfriend. He only saw her as a friend, and her boyfriend had no issue with it (but personally I see that situation as odd). We ended up agreeing that a person in a relationship should not spend time alone with the opposite sex, unless it is a very well established friendship, and EVEN THEN, it should only be occasionally. But I do not think it's appropriate to spend time alone with someone that is a new person (of the opposite sex) unless it's for a specific reason and if so, maybe a really quick rare lunch or something. Furthermore, I disagree with the argument that you must not trust your partner if you dont want them alone with the opposite sex. This isnt about TRUST. Hanging out with the opposite sex (more especially with a new person or with ANYONE on an excessive basis) does not look right to people around you, and does not show that you have respect for your relationship (concerning how things are perceived on the inside and outside). And more than that, who's to say you can control the OTHER PERSON'S feeling for your partner? What if that "friend" develops feelings (a not-so-uncommon situation) or what if your partner realizes that he or she is beginning to devote too much of themselves to the friendship? I just believe that you should be the number one guy or girl in your partner's life, and everything should be done to make that clear. I think this is hugely wrong. Friends are friends, and to be frank I don't think that it should matter whether your male/female or whatever. Seriously as an above poster said we're all people. Again if any person in a relationship want's to or is prone to cheating it'll happen whether they hang out alone with a friend of the opposite sex or not.
Cee Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (She doesn't really hang out with guys by herself from what I've seen) I don't think it's necessary to make rules for problems that don't exist. If your girlfriend is untrustworthy and lies and cheats, you should make only one rule - that you should leave. You can't control your girlfriend. All you can do is show self-respect and not date such a woman. I think it's as simple as that.
collegeguy_24 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Honestly it depends on the situation. If she slept or dated any of them, then yeah, you can talk to her about it. Don't demand, that will just lead to a fight, but talk to her about it and tell her how you feel.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hanging out with male friends is no different from hanging out with female friends - people are people - we're not defined by our genitalia! It has nothing whatsoever to do with trust or respect - unless she's fooling around or having sex with other men. If my bf forbid me to do anything, I would dump him on the spot. I'm a woman, not somebody's property. There is nothing wrong with establishing relationship boundaries. It is not possible to become property of someone in any industrialized nation... so take a deep breath. That is literally something you do not need to worry about. In regards to opposite sex friends we are not talking about Eunuchs... we are talking about men. Men and women are not Asexual robots as you may imagine them to be in your head. Opposite sex friends are Ok in some settings and circumstances, but when you are in a relationship you must be respectful of your SO.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 This is about trust. Unless your gf have given you cause to be concerned, setting rules that " forbid" her from being with friends screams controlling.
Nukulus Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 There is nothing wrong with establishing relationship boundaries. It is not possible to become property of someone in any industrialized nation... so take a deep breath. That is literally something you do not need to worry about. In regards to opposite sex friends we are not talking about Eunuchs... we are talking about men. Men and women are not Asexual robots as you may imagine them to be in your head. Opposite sex friends are Ok in some settings and circumstances, but when you are in a relationship you must be respectful of your SO. Why should you be respectful of your SO's insecurity. Either you trust them or you don't. I don't see why a man or women should limit when, where, and what situation they can hang out with their friends that were most likely there long before the BF/GF came around. Obviously there are shady situations/people but that should be treated on a case by case basis. There shouldn't be a blanket statement like "you can't hang out with any guy friends unless your girlfriends are also there" If you say something like that then you deserve to be cheated on. Because you don't trust her, so what does it matter really.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Why should you be respectful of your SO's insecurity. Either you trust them or you don't. I don't see why a man or women should limit when, where, and what situation they can hang out with their friends that were most likely there long before the BF/GF came around. Obviously there are shady situations/people but that should be treated on a case by case basis. There shouldn't be a blanket statement like "you can't hang out with any guy friends unless your girlfriends are also there" If you say something like that then you deserve to be cheated on. Because you don't trust her, so what does it matter really. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. That's like saying she deserved to be physically abused. It's a crap statement. It isnt about trust or insecurity, it's about respect. If you don't respect your SO, then you have no business being in a relationship.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Nobody deserves to be cheated on. That's like saying she deserved to be physically abused. It's a crap statement. It isnt about trust or insecurity, it's about respect. If you don't respect your SO, then you have no business being in a relationship. You're wrong if you say this isn't about trust. The issue of trust is on him while the issue of respect is on her. He has to trust her that she's going to respect him when it comes to handling situations like this.
Author P&R Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Forbid is too strong of word... basically I want to say this is something I don't appreciate. And for the other people in this thread saying it's ok to hang out with a guy friend by yourself one on one... No it is not, it sends a bad message and is putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Likewise I don't think it would be ok for me to hang out with the opposite sex on a one on one basis. As for guy friends... most of my single guy friends who hang out with girls in a relationship are just waiting for a weakness to strike.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Depends on how much of a friend this guy really is. If you GF is attractive, alot of men are playing the friend role in hopes of getting close enough to score. Granted you don't know your GF enough, I can see why it's a minor red flag. My advice to you, is to tell yourself, who cares? Really, who cares man? If she cheats on you, who cares? Look at it this way, you've just flushed a giant turd. You'd be better off if she did cheat on you, at least you'll know that's one obstacle in your life taken out of the picture. Another way to look at it is this, can you get other women? If yes, then...who cares? There will be other women in your life. Hard to trust someone when they're acting suspect, so instead, just stop caring lol.
Author P&R Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Depends on how much of a friend this guy really is. If you GF is attractive, alot of men are playing the friend role in hopes of getting close enough to score. Granted you don't know your GF enough, I can see why it's a minor red flag. My advice to you, is to tell yourself, who cares? Really, who cares man? If she cheats on you, who cares? Look at it this way, you've just flushed a giant turd. You'd be better off if she did cheat on you, at least you'll know that's one obstacle in your life taken out of the picture. Another way to look at it is this, can you get other women? If yes, then...who cares? There will be other women in your life. Hard to trust someone when they're acting suspect, so instead, just stop caring lol. I've known her for awhile... we started off as friends. We dated for a bit too. Time alone with me is how she got attatched. I think a lot of men do find her attractive because while we were dating she went through TONS of men. She doesn't use online dating sites to find dates either. She is a relationship I cherish... not just as a romantically but as a friend.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Forbid is too strong of word... basically I want to say this is something I don't appreciate. And for the other people in this thread saying it's ok to hang out with a guy friend by yourself one on one... No it is not, it sends a bad message and is putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Likewise I don't think it would be ok for me to hang out with the opposite sex on a one on one basis. As for guy friends... most of my single guy friends who hang out with girls in a relationship are just waiting for a weakness to strike. You're using the behaviour of these " single' friends to judge others, which doesn't sound fair because everyone's different. Although behaviour usually dictate a pattern, it still doesn't do anyone justice to accuse them of " future" behavior. Just because my friends does it, I'm going to assume my future SO is going to do it?
Ay Diesel T Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I've known her for awhile... we started off as friends. We dated for a bit too. Time alone with me is how she got attatched. I think a lot of men do find her attractive because while we were dating she went through TONS of men. She doesn't use online dating sites to find dates either. She is a relationship I cherish... not just as a romantically but as a friend. Tough bro. You know what you have to do. You either trust her, don't care, or leave her. Those are honestly the only ways you can handle this situation barring that you've already talked with her and she still decides to spend alone time with other men. Personally, I would not commit to a woman romantically or take seriously if she: 1. Had a bunch of male friends 2. Went through "tons" of men while she was dating 3. Spent alone time with other men while in a relationship. Not a big risk taker, especially not with my heart involved. Some people say it's insecure of me. I just think I'm playing it smart and safe. There's too many dishonest people in the world. Is she an honest person? How is she with other people? Does she lie often to other people? People close to her? She sounds young. Alot of young women (especially attractive ones) keep other men around as options, and throw the friend label on those men so it doesn't raise any flags to the main man of her interest. It's called being a player. It also doesn't help that most men will wait around on an attractive woman under the guise of being a "friend" until there's a moment where they can finally get with her. *Note the thread on these boards by that Kain guy. (Not a shot at him, but that's basically what he did, now he's asking when is a good time to make his true intentions known). The world is a ****ed up place. Sometimes you gotta have ****ed up views to make the safest decisions, and do what's best for you.
Author P&R Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 You're using the behaviour of these " single' friends to judge others, which doesn't sound fair because everyone's different. Although behaviour usually dictate a pattern, it still doesn't do anyone justice to accuse them of " future" behavior. Just because my friends does it, I'm going to assume my future SO is going to do it? This is a pattern I'm seeing, not just from my guy friends but from my sisters guy friends, and in general what countless guys themselves have said on this forum.
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