SoMovinOn Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 If you don't already know my story, it's long and messy. Short version is, splitting with my W, but still living together for financial reasons. Plan was she had a couple of years to get a job, get it together so she can get out on her own. We generally still get along well and go out together on occasion. Things between us have been tense and awkward lately. She been hinting at things but not saying them. We needed to talk and clear the air. Tonight she sent me a text from work, asking if I wanted her to come home. Weird question... told her we needed to talk. When I told her I wanted to split, I meant it with the idea we'd get divorced. Turns out, she was thinking I wanted her to get out on her own and take some time to get herself together. .... and then, what? We move back in together and keep cruising along happily ever after? It just floors me... I can't imagine how she'd ever think anything like that. It's more than obvious we have nothing between us now. Then she went off on some weird and dumb tangents and she finally hit my breaking point (after years). I told her to get out now - tonight, tomorrow, next weekend... whatever the soonest possible was. She packed some stuff and left. ... came back a few hours later. Said she had nowhere to go. Damn. Just venting.
LittleTiger Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 When I told her I wanted to split, I meant it with the idea we'd get divorced. Turns out, she was thinking I wanted her to get out on her own and take some time to get herself together. .... and then, what? We move back in together and keep cruising along happily ever after? It just floors me... I can't imagine how she'd ever think anything like that. It's more than obvious we have nothing between us now. Are you still going out on 'dates' and having sex with her?
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Are you still going out on 'dates' and having sex with her? No dates... errands, and we might stop for dinner or lunch. More "hanging out" type thing now and then. No sex. I thought I made that clear to her as well, but she had been hinting at it again. I finally told her I was not interested in being a part of her group. ... and, I didn't tell her this part, but me & OW are "fully involved" now. I don't want to risk passing anything to her. Follow up to my original post. We talked the next day and it was much more reasoned and civil. Told her I'd stick to my original agreement of giving her time to get herself together. Still... I am increasingly unhappy with this arrangement. Hoping she will get out of here sooner rather than later.
LittleTiger Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 No dates... errands, and we might stop for dinner or lunch. More "hanging out" type thing now and then. No sex. I thought I made that clear to her as well, but she had been hinting at it again. I finally told her I was not interested in being a part of her group. ... and, I didn't tell her this part, but me & OW are "fully involved" now. I don't want to risk passing anything to her. Well, in my mind, you're still being dishonest with her. Not that you necessarily should feel obliged to be honest but this thread is complaining about mis-lack of-communication. If she's getting the wrong idea it's because you're not 'giving it to her straight'. Are you sure you're not trying to keep her as a fall-back option if you and OW don't work out - it's a pretty common scenario. Although you're not having sex (which is a step in the right direction) you say you're still 'hanging out' together. Do you not see how that, in itself, will be giving her the wrong message. You may still be in the same house but you're not exactly acting like a separated couple. There is a reason why people who separate go NC - it's because maintaining contact maintains the bond and makes it much harder for one or both parties to let go and move on. If you start living like you're properly separated and tell her you have someone else I think she'll probably start to get the message.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Well, in my mind, you're still being dishonest with her. Not that you necessarily should feel obliged to be honest but this thread is complaining about mis-lack of-communication. If she's getting the wrong idea it's because you're not 'giving it to her straight'. I can't imagine how you'd think I give it to her any less than straight up & honest. My communication with her is perfectly clear. ... she just goes into denial on whatever she doesn't like. She understood everything just fine until she got scared ****less about having to get out on her own and support herself. She hasn't found anyone else to take her in (or who she wants to move in with), so I "win" be default.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Oh yea it's miscommunication alright, but it's on your part. You're still cheating and you're blaming her for the problems going on in your marriage? You haven't a clue what's going on here, do you? I'm not cheating on her. Never have. There are no problems in our marriage. We don't have one. We are done. We're splitting up and getting divorced. ... because of *her* infidelity.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 So what's this about you and OW? OW is a married woman I am dating. I started dating her after STBXW & I "split" - as we agreed. STBXW dates. I date. She knows as much as she wants to know about OW. I know as much as I want to know about her dates. No cheating. No dishonesty or deceit. (between STBXW & I). We are separated, but living together, and living our own lives.
LittleTiger Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 SMO, you know my opinion of the way you have conducted this break up. You've chosen the longest, most painful route (for your wife) that there is. My exH and I tried the same thing - trust me, it doesn't work. You can tell her until you're blue in the face that you want out, but while you are still 'hanging out' with her and until she knows you're 'fully involved' with someone else, you are keeping her attached to you and she won't let go. You're kidding yourself if you think you're being honest. What's stopping you from telling her that you and OW are 'fully involved'? I do understand that you feel you don't owe her anything but, I'm sorry, if you want your wife to stop misunderstanding you have to stop giving her mixed signals. You say one thing and you do something else. Your wife is wearing ear plugs and she can't hear you. Lay your cards on the table - face up - so she can 'see' the marriage is over.
trippi1432 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I have to fully agree with LT on this one, reading your other threads in the infidelity section I would have to say that this is one screwed up situation that has been created. If the marriage is over and you have been totally clear on that, then dates lead to sex eventually and she should be fully expecting that as well as you...seems to me that not everything has been on the up and up. In the meantime, does your OMW's husband know that you and his wife are more than just friends yet. There's a whole lot of questionable acts going on between two couple's here, no wonder things are confusing. What a mess.
What_Next Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Boy do I ever agree, in fact I was right there. Short version, my marriage was crumbling underneath my feet and I was too stupid to see it. Wife eventually cheated. I discovered it and was hell bent on leaving her, we "seperated" but still lived together (we had put a 60 day notice on our current place), I started to "date" while still living with her and my child. I did it right in the open, with no hiding or deceit, but it was the single stupidest thing I've EVER done. The hurt that I caused to my wife, my child and myself was massive! Eventually I wised up, broke it off with the OW (who should have NEVER came near me) and I am now in the process of reconciling, but the damage that was done by BOTH of us is immense. Once you move out and put things to rest with your STBX, then and ONLY then is it time to date and involve third party.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 You've chosen the longest, most painful route (for your wife) that there is. If finances would allow it, I'd be out of here in a minute. If I could pay this place off, pay off all the bills, I'd tell her she can stay here and keep everything. You're kidding yourself if you think you're being honest. What's stopping you from telling her that you and OW are 'fully involved'? Early in our split, we would talk very openly about our dates. She had more to talk about, because she has been dating a number of different men. We both found that level of openness to be a bit too... weird, awkward... so we decided to keep it at -I know she's dating, she knows I'm dating-, and we don't discuss any of the details. We pick up enough from living together to have a general idea of what each other is doing. If either were to ask the other a question or for specifics, we'd answer honestly. ... and we have done so on a couple of occasions. I do understand that you feel you don't owe her anything but, I'm sorry, if you want your wife to stop misunderstanding you have to stop giving her mixed signals. You say one thing and you do something else. I had the unfortunate experience of getting to sit in with her with her shrink this afternoon. She had a severe mental breakdown and I had indications she was contemplating suicide. She had quit going to her shrink. I came home, dressed her, dragged her to her shrink (pretty much literally). She was afraid he'd want to put her into inpatient care (he did want to). She asked me to come in to his office with her. He and I also had a private discussion outside of her presence. I learned some things. This is not about miscommunication. It's not about mixed signals. I am very clear with her. It's about denial. She married me because she thought I would save her from herself. She idolizes me. She was lost when my dad died and I became depressed and couldn't be the savior she needed me to be. Now that she has shopped for other saviors and come up with nothing, she's decided I am her best hope. I am not. I can't fix her. I'm not trained for that. She needs a professional who can help her learn how to save herself. She needs to quit drinking. She needs to keep going to her appointments. She needs to be on meds. She probably needs some amount of inpatient care. Your wife is wearing ear plugs and she can't hear you. Lay your cards on the table - face up - so she can 'see' the marriage is over. I tiptoe around things at times in an effort to avoid her putting a bullet in her head. I don't think that's such a bad idea.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Dude both of you are not dating. You're cheating, especially you messing around with a married woman so like LT said, you're choosing a painful route. Dude. Both of us are dating. She is dating a number of men. I am dating a married woman. I am not cheating on my wife. We are no longer in a committed relationship.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I have to fully agree with LT on this one, reading your other threads in the infidelity section I would have to say that this is one screwed up situation that has been created. No way in hell I'd disagree with that. It's screwy enough that my OW is angry with me right now, because I chose my wife over her. She and I were supposed to meet for a smoke break this afternoon. 15 minutes of bliss, standing outside her office, not touching each other or acting like we like each other very much, smoking a cigarette. ... and I canceled that just because my wife was suicidal. If the marriage is over and you have been totally clear on that, then dates lead to sex eventually and she should be fully expecting that as well as you...seems to me that not everything has been on the up and up. In what way? I don't think either of us thinks the other is not sexually involved with the people we date. In the meantime, does your OMW's husband know that you and his wife are more than just friends yet. Yeah. We have him pitch in for the hotel room where we meet for lunch. Seriously? What kind of question is that? I think the BS not knowing is a key component of an A.
LittleTiger Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 This is not about miscommunication. It's not about mixed signals. I am very clear with her. Ok, well if that's what her therapist says then this thread is no longer relevant........though I still think that your situation is very 'screwed up' and if she's as unhealthy as you say then your situation is definitely contributing to her confusion.
Owl Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 If her therapist is aware of her comments/threats to take her own life, then perhaps you need to ask him/her to take that serioiusly and see if your wife can get full time medical attention? You've clearly stated she wants/needs more than you can provide. Then ensure that SOMEONE can provide it (even if it's in-patient therapy), and remove yourself from the situation. You're not responsible for keeping her happy/etc... It's not fair to you to be "held prisoner" by her if you've very, very clearly spelled things out that it's over.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 ...and you're messing with a MARRIED WOMAN. Good job Captain Obvious Man! You can stand proudly with your cape flapping in the wind after having decoded my subtle clue that the married woman I am dating is married. For your next trick, lets see if you can figure out what all that white stuff is on the ground after a SNOW storm!
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 If her therapist is aware of her comments/threats to take her own life, then perhaps you need to ask him/her to take that serioiusly and see if your wife can get full time medical attention? He did/does take that very seriously. He wanted her in inpatient care immediately. She was very afraid of that. The problem is, if I took her to the ER, they would ask if she intended to hurt herself. If she said no, they'd send her home. So... with assurances from her that she had no genuine thoughts of hurting herself, and several other stipulations, she was allowed to come home. She has to go back on Monday at which time he and she will come up with a care plan that better suits her situation now that he is better aware of her needs. (She was keeping things from him) You're not responsible for keeping her happy/etc... It's not fair to you to be "held prisoner" by her if you've very, very clearly spelled things out that it's over. I have no doubt at least some of this is an intentional ploy to pull me back in. If I felt trapped before, I feel even more so now.
Distant78 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Good job Captain Obvious Man! You can stand proudly with your cape flapping in the wind after having decoded my subtle clue that the married woman I am dating is married. For your next trick, lets see if you can figure out what all that white stuff is on the ground after a SNOW storm! He does have a point. Instead of being sarcastic you should probably quit with this destruction you got going on here. You're playing with fire by doing this.
Author SoMovinOn Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 He does have a point. Instead of being sarcastic you should probably quit with this destruction you got going on here. You're playing with fire by doing this. His point was to point out that the married woman I am dating is married. Something like that deserves sarcasm. It offers no help. He wasn't even saying anything.
Distant78 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 His point was to point out that the married woman I am dating is married. Something like that deserves sarcasm. It offers no help. He wasn't even saying anything. Something like that really doesn't deserve sarcasm. That's a cause for someone getting hurt or even worse, killed. He was saying something. But you're right, messing with a married woman indeed doesn't help your own situation.
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